PRESENT TIME
"Private Bainbridge had just come off guard duty. He’d stood there for hours, plenty of people watching, nothing apparently wrong. He came off duty and within minutes was nearly dead from a wound in his stomach, but there was no weapon. Where did it go? Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to consider this: a murderer who can walk through walls, a weapon that can vanish – but in all of this there is only one element which can be said to be truly remarkable. Would anyone like to make a guess?" Sherlock asked the guests and they fidget and look at each other. "Come on, come on, there is actually an element of Q and A to all of this." He clears his throat but the guests still remain silent. "Scotland Yard." He called. "Have you got a theory?" He asked, but Lestrade stares at him blankly. "Yeah, you. You’re a detective – broadly speaking. Got a theory?"
"Er, um, if the, uh, if the, if-if-if, if the blade was, er, propelled through the, um...grating in the air vent ... maybe a-a ballista or a – or a – or a catapult. Erm, somebody tiny could-could crawl in there. So, yeah, we’re loo... we’re looking for a-a-a-a dwarf." Lestrade stuttered but managed to say.
You rolled your eyes in his opinion. Really? A dwarf?
"Brilliant." Sherlock said sarcastically but it doesn't sound sarcasm.
"Really?" Greg thought he's right.
"No." You said sharply.
Greg sighs and lowers his head.
"Next!" Sherlocm said, looking round the place again.
"He stabbed himself." you heard Tom whispering to Molly, so you decided to.. "Sherlock, I think you should ask Molly's fiancé." you said, smirking to Molly who's glaring daggers on you. Tom looks round, wide-eyed.
"Tom." Sherlock called. Grimacing, Tom slowly stands up. "Got a theory?" Sherlock asked.
Tom sways nervously from foot to foot for a moment. "Um ... attempted suicide, with a blade made of compacted blood and bone; broke after piercing his abdomen ... like a meat ... dagger."
A couple of the guests snigger. You can see in Molly’s face is a picture of disbelief. She may be reconsidering her marriage options and you can't stop chuckling.
"A meat dagger." Sherlock said sharply.
"Yes." Tom answered awkwardly.
Whispering through gritted teeth, Molly said, "Sit. Down."
Sherlock said No and Tom slowly sits.
Sherlock continues, "There was one feature, and only one feature, of interest in the whole of this baffling case, and quite frankly it was the usual. John Watson – who, while me and (y/n) were trying to solve the murder, instead saved a life. There are mysteries worth solving and stories worth telling." He looks down at John. "The best and bravest man we know – and on top of that he actually knows how to do stuff." John lowers his head and chuckles with embarrassment. "... except wedding planning and serviettes – he’s rubbish at those."
"True!" John said and the guests laugh.
"The case itself remains the most ingenious and brilliantly-planned murder – or attempted murder – We’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter; the most perfect locked-room mystery of which we were aware. However, I’m not just here to praise John – I’m also here to embarrass him, so let’s move on to some ..."
"No-no, wait, so how was it ... how was it done?" Lestrade interrupted.
"How was what done?"
"The stabbing."
Sherlock looks on your side and looks down awkwardly for a few moments, then raises his head. "I’m afraid I don’t know. We didn’t solve that one. That’s ... It can happen sometimes. It’s very ... very disappointing." He looks reflective for a second, then takes a breath and looks out to the guests again. "Embarrassment leads me on to the stag night. Of course there’s hours of material here, but I’ve cut it down to the really good bits."
FLASHBACK
You're on your flat when you decided to drink a whole bottle of wine by yourself tonight. You know that tonight is the stag night that Sherlock prepared for John and of course you can't come.
Sipping your last glass of wine you heard someone outside, Mrs. Hudson is talking with someone. Drunk, you stand up and walk slowly out of your flat to see who is she talking to.
"Ah, Hudders. What time is it?" you heard a mans voice as you open your door.
"You guys have only been gone two hours." Mrs. Hudson answered. You walk towards them to see Sherlock and John passed out at the bottom of the staircase.
"A-are yu-you two drunk????" You said, leaning on the side. Mrs. Hudson jumped a little because of your sudden appearance.
"(y/n)! You're drunk!" Mrs. Hudson blurt out.
"Shhhhh... don't shout. The neighbors will hear you." you said.
Later on, you, John and Sherlock are now in the living room of 221B. The three of you are playing Rizla Game.
You can see in John's paper written is "Madonna" and in Sherlock's paper is "Sherlock Holmes" you can't see yours of course but it's your name.
John peers at you, apparently trying to keep his eyes open. "Am I a vegetable?"
You holding a glass of whiskey in one hand, points at him, "You, or the thing?"
He sniggers, "Funny!"
"Thank you. A-hm-hm." You answered, forcing your eyes to open.
"Come on."
"No, you’re not a vegetable."
"It’s your go." Sherlock said to you.
You picks up your own glass and drink, "Errr ... am I human?"
"Sometimes." Sherlock answered.
"Can’t have ‘sometimes.’ Has to be, um ..."
You struggles to pull yourself up a little in your seat.
"Yes, you’re human." he puts down his glass and slumps back in his seat.
Still finishing your previous sentence, you said, "... ‘yes’ or ‘no.’" then you realize he already answered you, "... Okay. Your turn."
"And am I a man?" Sherlock asked leaning to John.
"Yep."
"Tall?"
John holds his hands wide. "Not as tall as people think."
"Hmm. Nice?"
"Ish."
"Clever?"
"I’d say so." John said, you lean and pointed Sherlock's paper, "Him? Clever? I do-don't think s-so."
"Shhhh. You're not supposed to interrupt us." John sush you.
"You would?" Sherlock asked.
John chuckles.
"Mmm, am I important?"
"To s-some people."
"Do people ..." Sherlock said as he makes vague air-quotes around the word "... like me?"
John is reaching for his glass but not picking it up, "Er, no, they don’t. You tend to rub ’em up the wrong way."
"Okay."
You and John sniggers. Sherlock slumps back in his chair and then leans forward again. "Am I the current King of England?"
You almost choke on you drink when you heard him, "We- we have a king?"
"Are you ...? You know we don’t have a king?" John crackles in his laughter.
"Don’t we?"
"No." He chuckles again briefly.
Sherlock sits back, "Your go."
"Am I a woman?" John asked. You look at him for a second, then snorts laughter. "What?"
"Yes. Yes you are."
"Am I ... pretty?" He said pointing his Rizla. "This."
"Err ... Er, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models." You answered.
"Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?" John asked again. You squinted your eyes, leaning closer.
"I don't know. I don't know who you're supposed to be." You said.
"You picked the name!" John shouted.
"I picked it random from the papers." You answered. "So I am human." you turn to Sherlock. "Am I a man or a woman?"
"A woman, beautiful woman." He answered as he takes a sip of his drink.
"Do I like tea?"
"Yes yes.. uhuh.."
"AHA!" you shouted. You stand up and point your index finger at Sherlock. "I'm Mrs. Hudson. He he he"
John burst out laughing, you frown at him and look back at Sherlock, "Wrong?"
Before they can answer, someone knocks on the open door, "Ooh-ooh!" You know who she is. You and the boys look round at her. She is standing in the doorway with a young woman who is wearing a nurse’s outfit with a cardigan over it. "Client!"
"Hallo." You and John said in unison.
"Hallo!" Sherlock said simultaneously, waving at the woman.
Mrs Hudson turns to go back down the stairs. "Come on." you said as you gesturing the woman to enter the room.
"Which one of you is Sherlock Holmes?"
Smiling broadly at her, you and John raises your hand and slowly points up towards the words on Sherlock’s Rizla then Sherlock grins widely at her.
"Uhm, I'll be back, go talk t-to her.. just.. just getting my coat... o-okay?" you said to Sherlock who's now sitting on the sofa and beside him is John. "An-and you..? What's your name again? Te-- Tessa! Yes! You go talk to them." You said as you walk out of the flat.