to: weston.maguire@baderu.com
from: cassandra.belford@baderu.com
subject: (no subject)
sent: April 17, 2017 at 3:53am
Weston,
Pray tell, for what should I forgive you?
You listed a few things that you feel bad about in your last email. The senseless violence, for me having to read about what happened between you and the man to assaulted me, having to see him again, and getting Simon involved.
That's four different apologies, so why don't we try to tackle them one at a time.
1. You apologized to me for getting into a fight.
I'm confused about that one. I don't own you, and who you choose to hit or not hit really doesn't affect me. I don't have anything invested in your ability to stay out of trouble or find it. Honestly, I don't care that you were in a fight. Sure, it would have been anticlimactic for you to lose your opportunity in Edmonton over something so impulsive, but at the end of the day, you get to fight, or not fight, with whomever you choose.
It was evenly matched, was it not? And from what I understand, violence is an important part of hockey. Sure, those altercations are generally confined to the ice, but who am I to tell you about athletics? It's well established that it isn't my field.
2. You also told me that you're sorry if reading about the encounter was painful for me.
Reading about what happened between you and Doug wasn't fun. But it was slightly more fun than writing the last email I sent you. I'd actually gathered most of the story for myself based on Lena's retelling, what I knew about you, and my own context. I wasn't surprised.
I'd always assumed that Doug didn't think much of, or about, what happened at that party. I knew he'd write it off as nothing but casual sex. You told me very little I hadn't already guessed, so the apology is unnecessary.
3. You're sorry about my having to see Doug.
See above.
Sure, it was a bit of a shock, but I often saw him, my nameless nightmare, around campus in my freshman year. Kingston isn't very big, and so yeah, sometimes he'd pass me on the street or I'd see him on the bus. Whatever. I got used to dealing with the baggage that came from seeing him a long time ago. And yes, there was a time I felt like I couldn't live in my skin, and that I didn't really belong to myself anymore. It wasn't great, but it got easier.
It wasn't any harder to see his face, bloody as it was, than it was to think about it. So, you can cross that apology off your list as well.
4. You wrote that you're sorry that Simon needed to intervene on your behalf.
That one isn't my apology to accept or reject. The one who deserves it is Simon, and Simon probably doesn't want it. As you're aware, Simon isn't exactly against you on this.
You apologized at the station, and you apologized in your emails... but for all the wrong things.
I don't think you're getting it. The apology I deserve, the fifth thing that was missing from your email, is very different from anything you've given me.
I'll make this really fucking easy for you:
Cassie, I had no right to contact Doug, seek him out or have a conversation surrounding the events of this terrible thing that happened to you. It was inexcusable for me to reopen old wounds as I did, and I shouldn't have inserted myself in something so deeply personal. What happened to you is yours, and not mine. I was completely out of line for making it about me.
Seriously, Weston, what the fuck were you thinking?
I trusted you with something that I was under no obligation to share. I was vulnerable, and I thought it was okay, because it was you, and I thought you respected me. And maybe that was a mistake on my part, but what you did is on you.
Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to write you that email? How awful I felt for giving you that burden, and how scared I was that it would change the way you thought about me? But it didn't end up mattering how I felt about any of it; it mattered how you felt, and you were angry.
What you did was selfish. You acted on your emotions.
I don't know what you were thinking. Did you think I'd be moved? Or grateful? Was I supposed to fall to my knees, my problems fixed because you physically damaged the person who damaged me? I don't know if you noticed, but I'm hardly a trembling victim looking for a hero.
But you like being the best and the biggest, and I guess you couldn't resist. I know you've been looking for ways to claim exceptionality, to be more than just another college athlete, and you found it. You're the guy who kicked the shit out of Doug Hodge, who bested him. A knight in shining hockey equipment. You're so special.
I thought you knew better. I thought you knew me better. What happened to me had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. It was up to me to decide if, and how, Doug was punished. You took that choice away, you made decisions you had no business making... and it's fucking unfair.
Seriously, I think you need to ask yourself why you went after him. It wasn't for me. I know with absolute certainty that I didn't ask you to do that. Did you think it would bring you and I together? That isn't how it works.
I liked you, you know. A lot. I wasn't ready to be with you, but I really wanted to get to a place where I could be enough.
I had this completely childish idea of us reconnecting, someday. I thought I'd email you, and you'd be surprised, but you would write back. We would rebuild our friendship, and I would work on myself. You would live your life and keep telling me about it. We'd both date other people, figure ourselves out, you know? Then, when I was ready and if you were available, I'd show up to one of your games in Edmonton or wherever you end up and ask you out again.
I don't give a shit about Doug, but I hate that you took this away from me. I never needed you to fight for me, or to fix me, and I don't like that you decided to wear the label of hero without my input. You are better than your actions. How could you not know that hurting him wouldn't change anything?
I think we're done, Weston. Our work together has ended. I thank you for your writing over the last few months and extend sincere well wishes for your endeavours in Edmonton.
Most sincerely,
Cassandra Belford
. . .
Texts sent April 17, 2017 at 4:16pm
Simon Idzik: Hey Wes, it's Simon. Cass gave me your number. It looks like there's going to be a restraining order against you but no formal charges.
Weston Maguire: What the fuck?
Weston Maguire: I know she's angry, but she took out a restraining order?
Simon Idzik: No!
Simon Idzik: Of course she didn't. Not Cassie. Doug.
Simon Idzik: You both just need to stay away from each other. Okay?
Weston Maguire: I leave for Edmonton tomorrow, so it'll be hard for me to do any damage from that distance.
Simon Idzik: You're still going?
Weston Maguire: Yeah. My parents want me out there as soon as possible, before I do something else to get the offer withdrawn.
Weston Maguire: They're pretty pissed about the fight.
Weston Maguire: No chance that Cass will forgive me and show up at the airport, huh?
Simon Idzik: Don't hold your breath.
Weston Maguire: I figured.
Simon Idzik: She's stubborn.
Simon Idzik: She doesn't get why you did it, you know? Just like we don't get why she didn't tell the police the whole story.
Simon Idzik: I get why you did it. But that's because you and I are in the same boat.
Simon Idzik: See, I know how it feels to be unable to protect someone I care about.
Simon Idzik: It isn't like that for Cass. She's the one who gets hurt, not the one who watches.
Weston Maguire: She thinks it was about pride or something. She thinks I went after him to prove myself, or to get her back.
Simon Idzik: I don't think she really believes that---she's pissed, not stupid.
Simon Idzik: She might never see it your way (or mine) but she'll come around eventually.
Weston Maguire: Ha. Don't hold your breath.
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Faith xx