play habit & the truth untold & smile flower on repeat for this chapter
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"hello?" jihoon answered the call.
"hi, this is seoul hospital. are you mr. lee? lee jihoon?"
"yes, this is lee jihoon."
"i'm sorry for your loss, mr lee."
"no, it's alright. why did you call me?"
"we have just found something under mr. kwon's bed. it seems like it's for you from mr. kwon."
"o-oh, i'll be right there." his voice cracked.
soonyoung had left something behind for jihoon. of course. soonyoung being the kind and thoughtful one had something for the impatient and cold jihoon.
even when he was gone.
gone forever.
never able to see his smile, his 10 hour 10 minute eyes, his dancing.
never able to feel his warmth, his smooth skin, his lips.
never able to hold his hand.
never able to see him ever again.
because he was gone from this world.
in a better place.
jihoon grabbed his car keys and drove off to seoul hospital. he was crying. again. tears welled up in his eyes, making his vision blurry.
after what seemed like forever, jihoon arrived at seoul hospital. he parked his car and went into the air-conditioned building.
that hospital smell.
that air-condition sound.
that hospital.
he remembered again.
"where's kwon soonyoung? which ward?" jihoon rushed into the hospital and shrieked, "where is he? i need to see him now!"
"calm down, sir. what was his name again?" the nurse behind the counter stood up and tried to calm jihoon down.
"his name is kwon soonyoung! where is he?" jihoon replied. he was in his studio recording his new song when he received a call from seoul hospital.
"kwon soonyoung... ah! ward 317."
"thank you!"
jihoon ran to the lift and spammed the button but the lift was way too slow. jihoon sprinted to the staircase and started climbing to the third floor.
when he reached the third floor, he was wet from perspiration and panting heavily. but he didn't care he needed to see his soonyoungie.
jihoon looked left and right while walking forwards, looking for ward 317. he finally found ward 317 but it was empty. there was a nurse outside holding a clipboard.
"where's kwon soonyoung?" jihoon screamed.
"s-sir! calm down! please keep your volume down! there are other patients resting here!"
"i just want to know where kwon soonyoung is!" jihoon sobbed as he covered his face with his hands.
"mr. kwon is currently in surgery. he had attempted to kill himself by drowning. a witness called the ambulance and he was brought to the hospital. we had also found scars and marks of cuts on other places of his body." the nurse informed.
jihoon was stunned and flabbergasted. soonyoung tried to kill himself? soonyoung had cut himself? but why?
just then, everything came rushing back. all their fights, all of jihoon's hurtful words.
"i'm sorry, soonyoung," jihoon wept. he regretted everything. he hated everything. but it was too late. he couldn't change anything.
hours and hours passed, jihoon sat on the seat outside soonyoung's ward. he couldn't stop crying. the tears just kept on coming.
"mr. lee jihoon?"
jihoon looked up and saw a male with a white coat on.
"y-yes, that's me," jihoon voice cracked.
"we did our best-" the doctor said but jihoon didn't hear the rest. he knew what the doctor was going to say. he didn't want to hear it. he didn't want to believe it. he felt like the whole world was crashing down on him.
jihoon ignored the doctor and rushed into the surgery room.
there lied soonyoung,
lips blue,
eyes closed,
not moving,
not smiling,
face pale,
and lifeless.
jihoon rushed to soonyoung's side and kneeled next to him.
jihoon hugged him but soonyoung was cold.
"soonyoung! soonyoung! hug me back please! like how you always do! please!" jihoon cried.
but soonyoung didn't move.
jihoon cried and cried, eyes red and puffy. he didn't care he just wanted his soonyoungie back.
he wanted his soonyoungie to hug him back and tell him everything was fine and okay.
he wanted his soonyoungie to kiss his forehead and tell him he was alive and fine.
he wanted his soonyoungie to bring him out to dates again.
he wanted his soonyoungie to cuddle with him.
he wanted his soonyoungie to hold his hand and pet his head.
he wanted his soonyoungie back.
but his soonyoungie was gone.
gone forever.
jihoon shook his head as a tear rolled down his cheek. he wiped it off and took a deep breath.
he cleared his thoughts and walked towards the customer service counter(?).
"hi, i-i'm lee jihoon. t-the hospital called me to collect s-something from k-kwon soonyoung." jihoon stammered.
"ah, yes. here." the nurse sitting behimd the counter pulled out something and put it on the counter.
it was a box.
a metal tin to be exact.
it had a piece of paper that said, 'for lee jihoon <3' with soonyoung's handwriting, on the cover of the tin.
jihoon couldn't help but break down in tears. he didn't deserve soonyoung. soonyoung even put a heart next to his name.
"mr. lee, are you okay?" the nurse asked.
"i-i'm fine," jihoon croaked out as he thanked the nurse and brought the metal tin with him.
jihoon sat in his car with the metal tin in his lap. jihoon took a deep breath and opened it. there were sealed envelopes inside the tin. jihoon picked them up. there were eleven in total and they were numbered. jihoon opened the first one.
dear jihoonie,
hey jihoonie~ if you're reading this, i'm probably gone from this world. don'y cry jihoonie, i love you. i don't want to see you sad and crying. as i'm writing this, you're writing lyrics for your new song! i'm so proud of you jihoonie! you're so smart! i'm sorry jihoonie if i disturbed you! i hope you drink that hot chocolate i made! and i hope you know i love you! <3
love,
soonyoungie
jihoon's eyes became glassy. he remembered he threw away the drink. jihoon screamed and shouted. why did he throw the drink away? he pulled his hair in frustration and sighed. he picked up the second letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i'm currently crying and writing this. i'm sorry if you missed part of your show, jihoonie. i just wanted a puppy, sorry if i was a burden to you. i hope you weren't that cold just now. take care of yourself when i'm not around, jihoonie. i love you <3
love,
soonyoungie
jihoon felt the tears welling up in his eyes become heavier. he remembered not caring about soonyoung and just watching his show. jihoon picked up the third letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i'm sorry if i disturbed you again, jihoonie. i'm such a burden, i'm sorry. i'll help you put your cup in the sink the next time. but remember to put your cup inside the sink when i'm not around anymore. i love you <3
love,
soonyoungie
jihoon felt the tears accumulate at his eyes and slowly a tear rolled down. jihoon bit his lip as he picked up the fourth letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i'm sorry if i played my show too loud. i didn't think it was that loud though. i know i'm a burden, jihoonie, i'm sorry. i still love you <3
love,
soonyoungie
p.s. i miss your hugs
"i miss your hugs too, soonyoungie!" jihoon sobbed. more tears rolled down his cheek as he picked up the fifth letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i'm sorry if you didn't want to sit down. i thought i sprained my ankle. i just wanted to sit down and rest a while. it's okay jihoonie! i knew you needed to hurry home and write your song. i love you <3
love,
soonyoungie
jihoon wiped his tears and sniffed. he hated himself. how could he? he neglected soonyoung so much yet soonyoung still loved him. jihoon picked up the sixth letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i'm sorry, jihoonie. i thought you were stressed. i just wanted to let you destress and go ice skate for a while. didn't think you would get angry at me haha... it's okay we can go another time! remember to take breaks when you're tired okay? don't overwork yourself.
love,
soonyoungie
jihoon clenched his fists and punched himself. why was he so self-centred? how could he get angry at soonyoung? jihoon closed his eyes and took a shaky deep breath. he picked up the seventh letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i thought you were hungry. i guess you were busy again. sometimes i wish you would make time for me. it's okay jihoonie. i know your competition's coming. i love you <3
love,
soonyoungie
jihoon grabbed his thigh as his nails dug into his skin and flesh. he hated himself. how he wished he could turn back time.
jihoon picked up the eighth letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i'm sorry if i'm not good enough. i think you were drunk though? maybe you thought seungcheol-hyung was me? it's fine. that's what you probably thought. i still love you jihoonie <3
love,
soonyoungie
jihoon froze. he remembered that night with seungcheol-hyung. jihoon yelled and shrieked. soonyoung saw them. jihoon slapped himself over and over again. he wasn't drunk at all that night. and he definitely didn't think seungcheol-hyung was soonyoung.
jihoon hated himself. how could he be so heartless?
jihoon picked up the ninth letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
do you hate me? i'm so sorry if i disturbed your driving. i know you need concentration to drive. i'm sorry i won't be so loud and noisy again. i love you <3
love,
soonyoungie
jihoon wailed and wailed. his nose was running and the salty tears went into his mouth. jihoon gulped as he picked up the tenth letter and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i'm sorry. i have to leave you. the voices. they're in my head. and they won't stop. i don't know how to stop them. i think there's only one way. listen jihoonie, i love you so much. i want you to wear the ring inside the tin. wherever you go wear the ring. please never forget me. do you still love me jihoonie? sometimes i wonder that. haha. i'm sorry jihoonie. i'm sorry for not being good enough, for being such a burden, for being a clingy bitch, for being annoying, for not being like seungcheol-hyung and for everything. i'm sorry i have to leave you forever, jihoonie. never forget me jihoonie. i love you. i love you so much words can't describe how i feel about you.
with lots and lots of love,
soonyoungie
droplets of salty tears rolled down jihoon's cheeks like beads from a broken necklace. jihoon picked up the ring and slid it on his finger. there was a picture of him and soonyoung, happy. there was one letter left. jihoon picked it up and opened it.
dear jihoonie,
i love you so much
your boyfriend,
soonyoungie
jihoon couldn't hold it all in anymore. he slammed his head onto the door. he took soonyoung for granted and cause him so much pain yet soonyoung still loved him. jihoon couldn't believe it. he drove soonyoung to kill himself.
soonyoung's gone.
gone forever.
wherever jihoon went, everything would remind him of soonyoung. everything was nostalgic. jihoon couldn't live like that, living in grief every single day. it would be like torture. he needed to forget but he couldn't. it would be impossible.
jihoon wanted to join soonyoung.
"i love you too, soonyoung." jihoon whispered and smiled.
jihoon drove his car into a lamp post. the lamp post mostly hit the driver side of the car. jihoon's legs were crushed and his left arm was dislocated. jihoon's head was bleeding profusely as blood oozed out.
"soonyoungie! i'm coming to meet you!" jihoon smiled and closed his eyes.
jihoon felt his soul leave his body.
he was going to meet his soonyoungie again.
~ e n d ~
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a/n: yo i'm sORRY THIS WAS BAD SKJDKD and i kinda procrastinated alot oof idk if i shd make an alternate ending but uh yEET