After our walk to the peak and back (we ended up staying and watching it in silence for a while. It was wonderful, but then we got hungry and realized we didn't have any snacks with us), everything between the four of us was much more peaceful.
We got back home, made some lunch for us, and ate and talked together happily. It was great.
Until we decided to play a game of Monopoly.
"Ha! I got Boardwalk!" Jake says, laughing maniacally. Gavin and I just rolled our eyes, but Holly looked like she might cry. To put it nicely, she was failing miserably -- she had four properties, all of which were from the first half of the board, and she had had to mortgage all of them earlier in the game to pay taxes to either Gavin or Jake. I wasn't doing too great, either, but at least my amount of money, including my buildings, was in the green.
It was Holly's turn, and she winced as she shook the dice and threw them. She go t a seven, and from where her piece was on the board, she landed on Boardwalk.
"Fifty dollars, m'lady," Jake said to her, smirking.
"I don't have fifty dollars, ya butt," she says, standing up. "I give up. I'm bankrupt."
"Guess it's just us three now," Jake says, laughing again.
Important note: Jake becomes the most evil, dishonest, lying and stealing little butt on this earth when he plays board games -- especially when he's winning like this. Really, the game is just between Gavin and Jake now, unless one of them will be mentally retarded enough to give me all of their properties or something. The only good thing I have right now is a Monopoly on the red properties and Park Place -- my other properties kind of suck., especially compared to Jake and Gavin's battle over the greens and yellows.
I look over at Holly, who's now sitting on the breakfast bar in the kitchen, dangling her feet back and forth over the counter. She seriously looks like she might cry, but that's only because Jake's being mean and everything. Jake doesn't even notice, which infuriates me and seems to make here even sadder than she already was. I don't point it out to him, wanting him to kind of look like a jerk since he's being one, but send Holly an apologetic look. She smiles tightly, but then goes back to look out the window at the lake, ignoring the rest of us.
The three of us play for a while, which ends and becomes two when Jake buys my orange property, giving him another Monopoly, and he puts hotels on his light purple and I land on it. I don't lost all of my money, but I'm bored of playing, so I quit, and leave the game to Jake and Gavin.
"Hey," I say, joining Holly, who has since moved from the counter to the porch. "You okay?"
"Not really," she says. "I... Jake an I kind of had a fight last night. It wasn't a huge deal or anything, but... I don't know," she says, breaking down and hugging me. I awkwardly tap her back, trying not to seem too mean when I pull out of the hug. She's obviously been crying out here by herself, and it hasn't really stopped.
"What did you fight about? I mean, you guys were kind of picture perfect."
"I... he wanted to... you know, move the relationship along. I told him I wasn't ready, and we got in the whole 'you would if you loved me' fight, and it was really bad. I told him to go do a certain something to himself, and he told me I was quite a few things, and I ended up cussing him out and going to bed. That's why I was already asleep when you got back from... where were you last night, anyway?" "Can you promise not to tell anyone?" I ask, looking at her. She nods quickly, sitting cross-legged on a log.
"I won't tell," she says, smiling a little. "What were you doing?"
"You know that guy, James? You know, my ex that I met again at Walmart a couple weeks ago?"
"Yeah, so? What's up wit him? I mean, you can't talk to him or anything -- there's no phone service out here."
"Um... actually, I found a spot where I can get like two bars if I stand on my tiptoes. I'll show you later, but that's not the point. I've been talking to him a lot, but I know that if I got back together with him, Jake would be really pissed at him and me, and so would my parents. They don't trust him. Not after how he broke up wit me..."
"How did he--"
"He kind of cheated, alright? And he texted me first and everything, saying it was over, but he didn't officially end it -- you know, like on Facebook and stuff -- until a couple days later. We had this huge fight at school, and I ended up going home for the day... it was bad. Really bad. But that's not the point. He's apologized. I believe him. It's so much better now. But... Jake would still be really mad at him for going anywhere near me and for me being supposedly 'stupid' enough to trust him again. It's a risk, I know, but... I want to take it. I know what could happen in the end, I've gone through it before."
"Yeah, but do you really want to go through all that again? I mean, I know, it's not one-hundred percent definite, but... can you see yourself marrying him, or at least having a long relationship that 's worth all the pain when it ends?"
"I don't know," I say. "That's what I'm still trying to decide. I don't know. But the only way I can know that is if I try and go through it, right?"
"I guess," Holly says. "Ugh... I 'm so mad at your brother, though. I've told him before that I'm not ready to do that, you know?"
"Yeah. That's what not I've heard from Gavin."
"Oh my gosh, seriously? I'm going to kill both of the," she says, standing up and heading for the porch door. I grab her shirt, pulling her back. She glares at me. "What, do you believe that?"
"Well... what do you think he said?"
"That I'm a slutty whore. Partially true, yes-- I kind of was one sophomore and junior year. But I've changed. I've grown up. I... I don't want to have sex again because I want to save it for someone really, really special. And don't get me wrong, your brother is really great, just..."
"You want to be sure, and you don't want to do it at all if he's pressuring you into it," I finish. She nods, glaring again through the window at Gavin. This time, eh sees her, and immediately cowers a little bit. Either they can hear our conversation or they can only guess what we're talking about, and either way, it scares the crap out of them.
"I get it," I say. "I... James and I didn't do anything like that, but we'd gotten pretty close a few times. You know, before we broke up. But... yeah. I get it. I'm kind of timid and everything about even kissing a guy now."
"Exactly," she says. "Once you've been screwed over... excuse the pun, but... yeah. Once that's happens enough times... you realize you want the next time to be with someone amazing and special and that your really love."
"Yeah," I say. "You get it. Now, if only they did, our lives would be a million times easier," I say, nodding my head towards the living room, where it seems that Jake just had to mortgage a Boardwalk. Gavin's laughing like Jake was earlier, and Holly and I can't help but smile.
Even if boys are going to be boys, it's still pretty funny to watch even if they are extremely annoying and stupid.
-.-.-.-
"Holly told me about your little fight," I say, looking at Jake. Once again, we're having a bonfire, and it's just the four of us kids outside. My mom hasn't been seen much all day, and when I did see her, she looked pretty upset. I'm a little worried about her, but not enough to let it get into my thoughts too much. Gavin and Holly are, respectively, getting more wood from inside and walking along the beach right now.
"Oh, crap," he says. "What did she say?"
"That she's not ready, Jake. You have to respect that. She's not ready."
"That's not what I've heard," he says. "I've seen her before and stuff. You know, at parties. She's always got a guy wrapped around her finger, and it's never the same one for too long. She's kind of a whore."
"She told me that already, Jake. She's changed. Really."
"Whatever," he says. "Apparently, I'm just not good enough for her to be slut with."
"Jake, it's not like that," I say, glaring at him. "She was serious. We talked while Gavin as kicking your butt at Monopoly, and she almost started crying. She wasn't lying. She really, really likes you, and she just wants to wait and make sure she doesn't screw it up or make a mistake o get hurt again. She's sick of guys hurting her, and I honestly don't blame her."
"Well, it's all her fault for being a stupid little slut, isn't it?"
"Partially, yes, but she's realized that--"
"Jess, I don't care! Just leave me alone, alright? I don't want to fix this. She's a whore. She doesn't deserve a good relationship!"
He's yelling now, and I can tell from the look on Holly's face that she heard every word of it. She comes running up the steps, but Jake just goes inside and slams the door after yelling, "We're through, Holly!"
"Oh my gosh, I'm going to kill him for you as soon as we get home," I say. "I'd do it out here, but I don't have the internet resources to make it look like an accident."
Holly doesn't say anything. Gavin has since come over, and sat back down, but he hasn't said a word. He's been pretty quiet all night, actually, but that's normal. She starts crying, and he comes over and puts his arm on his sister's shoulder, rubbing her back. I lay my head on her other shoulder, wrapping my arms around her waist in a hug. I turn around to see Jake looking at the three of us through the window, his face showing regret, anger, irritation, and sadness. It's all of those, but he kind of just looks like he might cry, which is one thing my brother never does. He hasn't cried since he was six and dislocated his shoulder while wrestling with another kid at school. He's gotten pretty close a couple times, but he's never actually cried.
Until now. I watch a tear roll down his face until he notices me watching and turns away. I'm not sure who to go comfort, since Holly's now full on bawling and she's the one got hurt with out it being her fault, so I kind of just sit there, awkwardly hugging Holly.
After Gavin and I get Holly to bed at her request (she's still crying when I turn off the light), we go back out to the campfire.
"That really sucks," I say, looking at him. "You know, Jake and your sister."
"Yeah. It does," he says, laying down on one of the hammocks and looking up at the sky. "I knew it was going to happen, though. I could tell. It was either going to be a fight here or after we left, or when they decided to break up because your brother was going to college. They weren't going to last."
"I know, but... he's being a douche."
"Yeah, but that's his problem and Holly's, not anyone else's. It's not our fault, so it's not our problem."
"I still feel bad," I say, laying down in the hammock next to his and swinging it while I watch the stars. "They were really cute together, even if it did cause me to almost puke up my dinner a couple times."
"Yeah, I guess," he says, laughing a little. "Hey... can I ask you something?"
"Gavin, I'm really sorry, but I'm not--"
"No, it's not that. I'm over that. Well, getting there, at least. I heard about your ex-boyfriend, and... sorry. That's got to suck. And I sort of overheard you and Holly talking earlier, and... are you talking to him again?"
"Yeah, but not seriously. Not like it was before. We're just flirting and stuff, at least for now. We'll see how it really is when I get back home, I guess."
"Why do you like him so much? I mean, not to sound like I was eavesdropping or anything, but I heard you say that he cheated on you."
"Yeah, he did. We were young and dumb then."
"It was a few months ago!"
"Yeah, so?" I challenge, turning my head towards him. "He's changed. I've changed. It's my relationship. I can decide whether or not I want to take that risk for myself, Gavin. I know I'm playing with fire here, but... it's kind of fun, and it's crazy and wild and I know I'm probably going to get hurt in the end, but for now... it's not hurting me."
"I know, Jess, I just... you deserve way better than that type of guy."
"No, I don't," I say. "I'm a terrible sister, a terrible daughter, and I kiss way too many boys. That's exactly what I deserve. On top of that, I'm an absolutely crappy friend to anyone who isn't stupid a shallow, and--"
Gavin crashes his lips onto mine. It takes a second or two for me to totally register what's happening, but once I do, I don't push him away. I kiss him back, actually, and I'm really not sure why. My heart races and he eventually pulls away from the kiss. When he does, we open our eyes and I'm pretty sure that if my face is as red as I think Gavin's is (I'm too embarrassed to look at him), I look like a cherry with a face and dark blonde hair instead of a green stem.
"You deserve a guy who's going to kiss you like that and surprise you, and not even think about kissing other girls like that. You deserve a guy who's going to make sure you're okay, even if he's not. You deserve a guy who's going to at least try for everything he's worth to make it all okay if life isn't going so great. You deserve a guy who's going to forgive you instead of fight with you over little things. You deserve a guy... you deserve a guy better than he is," Gavin says, looking me in the eye. I manage to look at him after he finishes, and I can tell that he meant it and is hoping I believe it. "It doesn't have to be me, but that's alright. Just... someone who would never even think of hurting you, even on accident, and who would apologize profusely if he did. Someone who would really, really care about you, and... yeah," he finishes, never breaking our eye contact even though his face is so red I think it might turn blood red.
"No, I don't, Gavin. I don't deserve any of that. I'm stupid, and annoying, and loud, and--"
"Shh," he says, planting a finger on my lips to silence me. "Don't say anything like that, because it's not true. You've been lying to yourself for so long that you actually believe that he's the best you can do."
"No, he is the best I can do. That's not what I believe or think; that's what I know."
"Then how come I think you're so smart, and funny, and outgoing, and pretty, and crazy but fun to be with, and loud but great to be around? How come other people still care, then, Jessica?"
"You know, honestly, Gavin, I don't really know. They're probably all just too nice. Like you. You're so nice that you just overlook all of my flaws and make me out to be a perfect person when I'm a complete opposite of that. I'm not perfect, so don't pretend that I am. I'm kind of... average."
I watch Gavin's optimism and hope drain in that moment after I finish talking, and he looks the same as he always does -- bored, indifferent. "Well," he says, his voice now soft and shy, "if you don't believe that you deserve better, who else can, right?" He sits up in the hammock, facing away from me. "I just... I thought if... I could get you to believe how great you really, truly, are... you would ditch that guy, but... I don't know now. I don't know anything. Just... never mind. I was being stupid."
"No, you weren't," I say. "I... that's just not what I see in me. Maybe you see me differently. I don't know anything. You're the smart one. You're the funny one. You're kind of handsome and everything, too. There is nothing wrong with you. It's just me."
"That's the problem. You think you're worthless, but Jess... you're anything but. You're alluring, and bizarre but hilarious, and gorgeous, and..."
"Got some big words there?" I ask, feeling my face turn red at his compliments. "I mean, it's not a bad use of them, but... yeah."
"I guess," he says, turning towards me and smiling at me. "I'm sorry I kissed you, though, that was... inappropriate."
"It's fine," I say, moving to the other hammock and sitting next to him. "And... you're right. I'll talk to James and break up with him when we get home or next time I have phone service."
"Good," he says, smiling tightly at me.
"You could kiss me again, you know," I say.
He smiles and crashes his lips into mine, and this time they lock together perfectly. He brushes my hair out of my face and puts one hand on the back of my neck and other around my waist, bringing us closer together.
I don't remember the last time I kissed someone and it felt this right, but all I know is that feeling this right is the best feeling ever.