Chapter Twenty-Four: Burning Desire: Danny
The burning desire to find Angeline grew stronger as the days wore on. Despite that and the still dreary mood that hung around the orphanage like mist, things were looking up. Kids were healing, and the walls and floors were being fixed. Ethan was much better – happier and more like his cute troublesome self – but the longing to see his mother would never leave him. He wasn’t as much of a handful as he used to be, though, maybe because everyone was acting so glum and snappy, or maybe because Angeline wasn’t there to make him feel better when he got yelled at.
I had nothing better to do, because I enjoyed nothing more, and because he needed more company than before, I played blocks and did puzzles with Ethan for hours on end. He loved them and I think he loved being with me. But there was nothing like being with my son – I loved it. The mere sight of him was like sunshine in these grey days. He brought me joy, brought me away from my worries and troubles for a few hours.
It was the same every day: wake up to see Ethan beside me in Angeline’s spot, sucking his thumb and drooling; eat breakfast with the others – who were slowly recovering – go upstairs and do puzzles; play make-believe and Play-Doh for a few hours. Then while Ethan took a nap in his mother’s place in bed, I worried about Ang while pacing the room. If I was lucky, Dr. Blu came to visit. He looked much older, more withered, with the recent battles with claws as well as with wounds. He mostly talked about how everyone was on the mend and soon we’d be able to go out and give the dead the respectful burial they deserve. After that, Blu left, Ethan would wake, and we’d go to lunch.
But instead of going back to playing, I took Ethan to training. He loved it and I could tell by the way he was nothing but giggles when it was done. I tried to keep myself hidden during the sessions, standing out in the hall, watching Ethan from the window in the door. It wouldn’t be fair to the other children – even with their small brains, bad memories, and short attention spans – if I was there, helping Ethan. They’d be jealous. They would want help and advice, too, because they would feel left out. The poor kids – they were four or five years old and without their parents. I myself remember feeling lost without knowing my mother or father, not even knowing what their faces looked like.
So I stood there every single day, peeking through the window, my eyes glued to my son’s excited face. To see him happy was breaking my heart. But it was only me. Even with him at the best minutes of the day, I couldn’t help feeling my spirits fall. How could he carry on not knowing of his mother was alive or not? Angeline could be halfway across the world by now, her neck on a noose…
There were few other people coming down the hall when I was watched Ethan. If one happened to come limping down, I knew they shook their head in pity. They knew how much I missed Angeline. I was now a single father. I had nothing to lose but my sanity and my son.
Where was my angel?
One day, after lunch, we were sitting on the floor in our room. Ethan was on my lap as we watched a kid show on television – something called Dora – but I was only half listening. Part of me was staring mindlessly at the screen while the other part was seeing Angeline. I only snapped out of this strange trance when an angel appeared on the screen, with a white dress and gold wings. My heart thud a million miles an hour and my nerves snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore!
I shut the TV off, ignoring Ethan’s whining protests, picked him up, and stormed down to the elevator. Angeline’s angel form and the angel on television were all I could see. The elevator rose slowly, seeming to only make me angrier. I couldn’t take this – I was only fooling myself, thinking life could go on without Angeline. I just couldn’t not stay here, couldn’t not let her fend for herself all alone. I couldn’t take it!
My sanity was pouring out of me like the blood that drained from a wound. Ethan was twisted in my grip, looking forward. He was tense, and I couldn’t blame him. When the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened to the smell of the infirmary – sickness, sweat, despair – Ethan stiffened further ad buried his face in my shoulder. He didn’t like the infirmary – it was where he spent his dark days, when his mother just got abducted and his father frightened him. But I kept going, having a good hold on him.
I barged in on Dr. Blu, who was doing some sort of operation on someone. I didn’t care. His back was to me.
“How much longer?” I demanded loudly. Blu’s hands stopped moving and he lifted the course blue blanket over his patient’s face. “How much longer, Blu? How long are you going to make me wait before I can go find her?”
I heard footsteps and soft voices, then Kendall and Veronica’s reflections in the glass above Blu’s head. They were holding hands. But the doctor didn’t face me.
“Do you expect me to sit around like everything’s normal?” I snarled. Ethan whimpered. “All of you are acting like everything’s wonderful! But it’s not! Do you know what it’s like to have someone you love to the ends of the earth, lose her, find her, and lose her again?! I don’t even know if she’s alive!”
Blu turned halfway, pulling down the rubber face mask off his mouth. He didn’t look t me when he whispered, “You are scaring your child.”
Still glaring at him, I gently set Ethan down, hoping he’d go to his uncle, but he just clung to my leg. “You can’t keep me trapped here forever, Blu, you know you can’t. No one is taking action. I can’t just sit back!”
“Where are you going to go?” Blu snapped suddenly. I made no intention of any expression but anger, but Ethan flinched and held on tighter to my leg. Blu glared at me, annoyed. “Where would you go, Daniel? Search the skies to see if she’s there?”
“I can’t ignore this! Why are you?”
“You know I’m not! You can’t just take off! Then what would you son do?” Blu’s gaze flickered to Ethan and I couldn’t help but sigh. The fire inside me died. He was so innocent and already lost his mother.
A few minutes passed before someone one spoke. It was Veronica. “Well, someone’s got to find her!”
Blu and I looked at her; she stared back unflinchingly. Then Blu looked at me and shrugged, a defeated expression on his old face. But I spoke first, my voice full of desperation. “I have to go,” I insisted. “She’s my girlfriend.”
Veronica sighed irritably – she didn’t like that Angeline and I were only boyfriend and girlfriend with a son and nothing more – and walked in between Blu and I. Kendall wheeled himself in further but stayed out of the conversation. Ethan went over to him and demanded in a whimper to sit on his uncle’s lap. “If you go, Danny,” she began in her annoyed tone, “and you, by some miracle, find her, she’ll give you away instantly.”
“Ang’s not that stupid,” I growled, but Blu almost cut me off.
“If she does or not, you shouldn’t go, Daniel,” he said gravely. “It would but everyone in danger. The objective would be to get her and get out as quickly as possible, yes? I’m afraid that if you fetched her, that wouldn’t be the case.”
Of course he was right, but I was too proud to admit it out loud. “Then who goes, Doc? A gang of underage kids – already wounded?” I was slowly getting angrier. Fear brought fury, and with fury came pain and regret, but I couldn’t control my temper, especially if my angel was on the line.
Blu’s eyes narrowed and Veronica huffed. “Don’t be smart, Daniel,” the doctor warned. “But besides the fact, I don’t know.” He sighed. “I agree you should go” – hope sparked in my heart – “just you wouldn’t be the person to retrieve Angeline.” My hopes died like water poured on fire.
“What?!” I gaped, furious. “I can go, but I have to stand back while someone else gets her?” I spun to face Kendall. Ethan was sprawled across his lap, who, believe it or not, was sleeping. “Is that even fair?” When he shrugged, on a neutral side, I turned to Blu. “Come on, Doc, you seriously believe Ang would give me away?”
“No,” he replied firmly, giving me a stern look. “But what I’m saying is that you’d waste time. If, say, you found her in a dungeon. When you get her, you’d talk while unchaining her, yes? Then you would let her cry, if not for a second, on your shoulder, right? You would be wasting the precious time you have to get away – possibly if you took along others, they would have more time to become weaker. Now do you understand?” Blu asked with a penetrating stare – but there was also concern.
I didn’t ask the terrible question. I hated the question, and in my mind, the words were coated in blood and poison. I didn’t even want to think it, much less know the answer. But I let his words sink in. Yes, I understood. Yes, I agree – even if I didn’t get to save my lover, I could take revenge on the people who stole her. No, I don’t want to go through with it – No, Angeline and I wouldn’t waste time, no matter how much we longed to be in each other’s arms. We would have to be reunited with our son, our lives would be at stake as well as almost everyone’s, and we weren’t born yesterday. We’d spent maybe twenty-five years fighting, plus, I had training here, and Miss Sadie herself told me what to do in the situation. It gave me a pang – like a thorn in the skin – to remember her, then imagine her in a coffin soon, being buried under the cold dirt.
Bottom line: I had to decide. Do I keep arguing until I achieve my goal, or do I agree with Blu and let someone else save my beloved angel?
I looked at Dr. Blu. “Fine, I’ll do it your way.”