I woke up the next morning feeling like I had just won the lottery. My heart was thumping with giddiness and pure exhilaration. I was acting like a drunken fool but really, who cares?
Usually, I would wake up with a groan, cursing how I couldn't laze around like other teenagers during the holidays. Instead, I had to wake up and rush about for the next event that father will bring me to.
Today, though, I woke up with a smile on my face -literally- and I skipped around my room, choosing my outfits for the day. I could feel the sense of settlement between Derrick and I and had a strong feeling that our early morning meetings would soon be a routine.
Or maybe I'm being biased only own fantasies.
Humming a random tune to myself, I picked out a blue dress with a sweetheart neckline and twirled around with it, laughter bubbling within me. I felt like I was one of those sickeningly sweet Disney princesses and that thought reminded me of how Derrick had decidedly to nickname me Belle.
If a beast was as good looking as him, then Oxford dictionary needs a new definition.
I scanned around my wardrobe for shoes to match my dress and the black pumps at the end of the shelf caught my eye. The color would match perfectly with black lace that lined the waist of my dress. Nodding my head in agreement, I plucked them out of the wardrobe and strode out to my room.
The minute I placed the dress and the shoes on my bed, I staggered a few steps back in utter shock as my mind registered my actions. My eyes widened as I came to a realization.
It was the dress.
How could I have not noticed?
Cautiously, my fingers lightly grazed the material and I flipped it over, my eyes scanning the designer label frantically. My heart stopped for a moment as I threw the dress away from my hands, as if it was the most unholy thing I've ever seen. Shaking my head, I beat myself up mentally for not realizing. My eyes filled with tears as my memories engulfed me whole.
"That actually looks good on you," he complimented, feigning a surprised expression as if he couldn't imagine that anything would look good on me. Rolling my eyes, I whacked him the end of my purse and muttered a sarcastic thank you. He yelped in pain and gave a glare, but I saw the teasing spark in his green eyes.
"I should report you for domestic abuse, Ray. Seriously, this has to be at least the tenth time you hit me today."
"Suck it up and be a man," I said dismissively. He poked his tongue out childishly at me in return. I walked past him and he trailed along behind and suddenly I felt the back of my dress being yanked.
"Hey!" I heard him trying to read the designer label on the dress.
"Lilac Rose. What a stupid name. Who would even name their daughter that? If I had a name like, I would just crawl in a cave and hide there," he rattled off. I smacked him on the head and he opened his mouth, probably to talk about my domestic abuse on him before I cut him off.
"It's not a real name and by the way, that's a guy." He looked horrified at my statement and muttered something about how these people like that make men sound bad.
I chuckled at his pout and cooed at him like a baby. He huffed and folded his arms which made me laugh even harder. Next thing I knew, my palms made contact with the hard tiles and my face was inches away from the floor. I glared at his laughing form, feeling unsatisfied.
"I hate you," I muttered.
I snapped back to reality and realized that I had been crying. That I still was crying. I picked up the dress and gripped it tightly between my fingers, now full on sobbing.
Those were my last words to him.
I hate you.
My last words to him were the opposite of what I felt for him. Never in my life had I felt hatred for him and every single time I thought of him, those words pulled me down. They drown me in a sea of painful memories, those that I never want to relive.
Yet, here I am, hunched in the corner of my room, not even bothered to stop crying.
That's the thing about anchors. They either kept you in place or they pull you down to them.
I hugged the dress to my chest as I curled up in to a ball at the end of the bed. I lost him and every time I try to forget him, he's there at the corner of my mind, waiting to pounce the minute I'm alone. He haunted my thoughts and my heart has been battered to shreds all because of him. But I won't take it back. I don't regret having him in my life.
He was the only one who ever made me feel alive.
My sobs calmed down to occasional sniffles and my tears were no longer pouring out of my eyes. My breathing became more regulated as I picked my phone and texted my mother, saying that I wasn't feeling well. She replied almost immediately, telling me that I could skip today's event and that I should rest.
My hand fell limp on the floor and I sighed. There was a throbbing pain in my heart but somehow, I felt numb. Like poison seeping diffusing in water, all these negative thoughts that I should keep hidden slithered to my conscience. I was trapped by my own mind and once again, I was a victim of myself.
My palms were balled into fists and I felt my nails digging into my skin, marking crescents. The rest of my body was limp, powerless and unable to fight the monster I was facing.
Me.
It was like somehow deep inside me, I refused to let myself bounce back and forget. Because forgetting meant that I didn't have to deal with these painful emotions within me, yet at the same time, forgetting meant that I couldn't experience the tingles that I felt every time I thought about him.
Forgetting him was like pouring water over a rock; he would disintegrate before me.
So I stayed there, on the wooden floor, staring blankly at the now crumpled dress. I remembered that today was the day he left.
Just like that, he left, leaving me with absolutely nothing. For two whole weeks, he was gone, wiped out the face of earth and left no hint -not even to me- about his whereabouts.
I spent Christmas with a fake smile on my face and hollowed eyes to match.
He had wrecked and destroyed in the worst ways possible and yet, I couldn't fathom the thought of hating him.
After what felt like hours, I slowly regained my sense and ability to actually think. I slowly stretched my legs, feeling the aching muscles protest after being in the same position for so long. Standing up, I stretched myself to loosen up my muscles. It was painful, but I just sucked it up and got ready to clean the mess that's me.
I picked up the dress and smoothen it out, ignoring the prickles of pain shooting inside me. I hesitated for a brief moment before picking up a hanger and hanged it at the back of my wardrobe, disappointed but glad that I wasn't strong enough to throw it out. Almost robotically, I started cleaning up my room.
I felt nothing and yet at the same time I felt everything.
Making my way to bathroom, I slung my towel over my shoulder and started up the bath. I stripped myself bare and sink myself under the bubbles. I skimmed my fingers at the edge of the tub, feeling the slick wetness on my skin sliding across the porcelain.
The bubbles reminded of the foam mustache that Derrick and I kept doing yesterday and my mood perked up. He was such a goofball and a sweetheart that it annoyed me how people isolated him because of his family.
Guilt occasionally prickled me whenever I thought of that as I once did the exact same. I judged him based on something he didn't do and it was unfair that he had to pay the price of someone else's mistakes.
I thought about how he seemed to avoid me in public during daytime and I wondered if my doubt of him being embarrassed of me is true. You may think that anyone would love to be seen with me, being Mayor's daughter and all -which is probably true, but they usually want something as I've said-, but there's something different about him. His actions and the way his body language spoke showed all signs of embarrassment and the only reason I could come up with was that he knew I was way out of his league. I had had that thought since yesterday and it was prickling my conscience once again, slowly making me fall into the trap of thoughts.
I abruptly stood up from the tub and walked towards my shower to rinse myself off. Letting the stream of water trail down my skin, I took a deep breath and let myself relish at the refreshing feel.
"This has to stop, Ray. You have to forget. Only then you can move on," my conscience chastised myself. It was true. The longer I dwelled upon it and the longer I let it linger in my head, it will slowly eat me up and I will be nothing but an echo of myself.
I stepped out of the shower, placing a determined smile on my face. Even if I was not okay right now, at least pretending to be will push out these thoughts. Wrapping the towel around my body, I picked up my phone and called up my mother.
"Ray? Are you okay, honey?" mother immediately asked the minute I picked up the phone, concern in her tone.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm feeling much better now so I was thinking I could make it for the high tea."
She was silent for a while before her voice gently spoke up.
"Honey, are you sure you want to come? If you're still feeling not at par, it's fine. Missing one high tea is not going to harm anyone."
I bit my lip and held in a sigh. I had a feeling she knew that I was affected by the date today. Unlike father, she didn't avoid the fact that today was a hard day, especially for me.
"I'm fine, really. The more I dwell on it, the harder it would feel, right?" I said vaguely, not wanting to test the waters like she did. She sighed and reluctantly told me to get dressed. Bidding her goodbye, I picked up a red halter dress from my wardrobe. Turning on my playlist, I hummed along the tune as I changed, determined to make the best of the day.
-
I tapped my foot against the tiled of my room nervously, unsure if I was making the right decision. When my alarm rang at one forty-five in the morning, the thought of going to the café didn't seem a good idea after all. Derrick and I went our separate ways without affirming that we would see one another today. I was all dressed up to go and my coat was in hands, but I was too scared to face the truth.
What if he wasn't there? Then what will I do?
"You will order a cup of coffee, finish it, leave and never come back there during ungodly hours of the morning. Things will finally go back to normal."
I'm starting to think that my conscience is very spiteful and bitter even though it has a point, except for the fact that normality is slowly fitting these early morning meetings into its schedule.
Oh, to hell with it. If he doesn't turn up, I'll have a cup of coffee to nurse my broken heart. It's a win-win situation.
"These thoughts I have in the early mornings are poison, I swear. They're making me do things I shouldn't."
Snapping out of my reverie, I picked up my phone and gave my reflection a firm nod. I had half a mind to march all the way to the café, just so that I don't run back to my bed and hide there like a coward I was.
I tried my best to seem confident as I walked down the road, snow crunching beneath me. There was nobody around, -who would be? It's near two in the morning- but I needed to seem like I was confident for myself.
Fake it until you believe right?
Right.
As I pushed heard the tinkling bell when I pushed the door open, my eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment. I really didn't want to open them to an empty café. I forced my eyelids apart and my heart stopped.
I saw him hunched over the back booth that we sat yesterday, picking up his coffee. He threw it at the nearby bin with a little more force than necessary. I would have been confused at his seemingly angry mood if it were not for the fact that my whole body was so close to doing a happy dance right there.
He turned around and for a short moment, I saw a scowl on his face before his eyes caught mine. Shock registered on his features, as if he didn't believe I was here.
"Ray," he breathed out in disbelief. He took a few steps towards me, disbelief still painted over his face.
"I-I'm sorry that I was l-late. I got caught up in the house and I don't know if I was going to see you here, so I was pretty unsur-" I let out a gasp when I felt two arms wrap themselves around me, engulfing me in a hug.
I stayed still for a while, unsure of how to react, but oh god, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't need that hug. My arms wrapped around his torso and I leaned in towards him, making his grip around me tighter. The smell of detergent and soap invaded my senses and I instinctively tightened my hold on him. I felt his chin on my forehead and his hands playing with my hair, whispering in my ear, telling me that it will all be okay.
I waited for the tightness in my throat or for my eyes to start tearing up, but I didn't. For the first time, the thought of him didn't make me want to cry my heart out. All I felt is Derrick's concern and care for me.
And at that moment, while I was in his arms and he was whispering at me, everything felt like it would be okay.
Once I loosened my grip on his shirt, he untangled his arms from me and gave me a soft smile. I nodded my head at him, signaling that I was okay. We stood by each other, feeling slightly awkward. It felt like we were jumping at different labels.
We weren't friends, but we're not strangers nor are we lovers. We were somewhat in between all those three. I knew things about him that only a friend or a girlfriend would, and yet there were so many things that I didn't know about him, making me equally a stranger as I am a friend to him.
Suddenly remembering that we were in public, and the fact that he had been embarrassed to be seen with me made me turn around towards the counter. I sighed in relief since the barista was nowhere to be seen.
At that thought, I chastised myself for being okay with the fact that we were meeting each other in secret.
Deciding to opt out of coffee, this time, we both made our way to the booth that he was at before. We both kept silent, unsure if we should just address the elephant in the room or act as though it never happened.
"Hey, you know the dress Mrs. Gallagher was wearing yesterday? Well, I saw Mrs. Dormis wearing the same exact one today. How much do you wanna bet that they're probably gonna hate one another for that?"
I looked up to see a playful twinkle in his eyes, yet at the same time, I saw the lingering pain within it.
"Huh, I wouldn't be surprised if the partnership that both their husbands had been planning to accomplish is going to fail miserably."
He let out a laugh and we continued on talking.
Some part of me was glad that we could revert back to conversations like we had the past two days, but at the same time, I was also disappointed that he didn't want to address what had happened. It felt like he was doing it all over again.
Except this time, I had to endure the pain with plastering a smile on my face, as we debated about the Gallagher's and Dormis' fate.
Throughout the whole conversation, we kept it light and humorous, teasing one another occasionally. I couldn't ignore that I felt annoyed that I was following his lead like a lost puppy. He was taking the lead of this messed up friendship we had and I can't believe I was okay with it. It bugged me how much control he had over me and my emotions because my attention was slowly centering towards him.
I was falling for him, hook, line and sinker.
It was like I was with him all over again, except this time, I was aware of how deep I've gone in.
We wrapped around three in the morning, as per usual. I gave him a small smile as I made my way to the door. My feet halted to stop though, when I heard him speak up.
"Ray?"
I turned around to face him, gracing him with a small happy smile. Raising an eyebrow at him, I beckoned him to continue. He strode up to me until held the door open, letting in the harsh wind. I held onto my hat as I stared at him, feeling confused.
"Don't pretend, at least not with me. You're like open book to me; your eyes give away everything. I'm friends with Belle, not the brick wall everyone calls Rayla Evans."
-
A/N tell me your thoughts and comment what you like or don't like about this chapter kays? I'm gonna cut this short bc I'm hiding under my covers hoping my phone light won't catch my parent's eye oops. Love you!