It's official, I was nervous, I mean I have had so many conversations with Chris and I knew I could talk to him about anything, so why was I pacing and feeling like I was about to have a panic attack.
I had wanted to tell him about the whole proposal; I didn't want him to think I was keeping things from him. But I was most nervous about telling him how I felt, but even though I was pacing I kept glancing over at him to see his reaction.
After the words he proposed left my lips, I felt so much better to get it out in the open but when he said congratulations, I almost died. I mean it was Chris and he was generally happy for me about everything but couldn't he tell that I was struggling with something; he normally could read me so well but for some reason he was either off his game or just wasn't paying attention.
I stood staring down at him as he looked up at me and I wanted to shake him, or scream at him and ask what does he mean by congratulation; maybe my mother was wrong, maybe the fact that Chris genuinely cared about me is what she saw and not love, maybe I was making too much of this whole thing and maybe I needed to give Eric another shot.
I was definitely confused and didn't know what to do at this point, I decided that I needed to sit down and think, possibly even pray; "dear God, show me what to do, I am confused and I want to make the right decision, I want to take the path that you have chosen for me, please God, help me."
I felt a tear roll down the corner of my eye and I quickly wiped it away, I was silently thanking God that I was wearing sun glasses or else Chris would have seen how broken I was. The atmosphere shifted and it no longer felt peaceful and nice, but uncomfortable.
I could sense that he wanted to say something else but I didn't know what, I was silently hoping for time to go back and for him to say don't marry him, or I love you or be with me, something, anything other than congratulations.
I felt like he was telling me go ahead be with Eric because it doesn't matter to me, we are just friends and that's all we will ever be. Maybe he was really into the girl he had started dating; it then dawned on me that I never asked him how things were going between them.
Boy did I feel like an idiot, other than that first night and him telling me he went on a date after we left church followed by the diner, we never spoke about it again. Granted I was kidnapped and all that but still it's like I didn't care about what happened in his life.
"Umm Chris, you never told me how things were going between you and the girl you had started seeing."
"Oh you mean Lily, she is great and things are good between us, we hang out, talk get to know each other. She is a pretty amazing young lady."
I watched him as he spoke of her and he had a smile on his face, the stressed expression it once held was gone. I was right he was falling for this girl and here I was about to tell him I loved him and he has feelings for someone else. Boy was I stupid but I decided to be happy for Chris, he deserved some happiness after being single for so long, I was sad that I couldn't be the one to give him that happiness though.
We left the beach and chatted on the way back home, and that night we went to dinner with my family, my mom kept smiling at me and looking back and forth between us. I was trying to tell her to quit it but it was no use, eventually I decided to head to the ladies room to clear my head.
Of course my mom followed me, "Simone, what's going on did you tell Chris how you feel?"
I sighed and lifted my head to look at her and immediately tears welled up in my eyes and my mom step forward and hugged me.
"What happened baby, what's wrong?"
"He said congratulation mom, he said that when I told him Eric proposed, before I could tell him more that is what he said to me. After that I couldn't tell him how I felt because it didn't seem to matter"
"What do you mean it doesn't matter, you have to tell him child."
'I can't mom, I think he has feelings for this girl he just started dating, I don't want to cause any disruptions in his life, I care about him too much to do that."
I pulled away from my mother and went to the sink to splash some water on my face, if I cried too much my eyes would become puffy and that would be too noticeable. Then my brother and Chris would start asking what was wrong.
"Simone, listen to me, life is too short, anything can happen today or tomorrow, and you really don't know how he feels about this other girl so just tell him how you feel and leave the rest to God. If you guys are meant to be together, then nothing will keep you apart."
I knew my mom was right but I was feeling so broken and depressed by the whole thing that I couldn't deal with it right now. I shook my head so that she would stop talking about it; she walked over to me, rubbed my back then headed out the door.
When I felt like my emotions were under control I headed back to the table, Chris leaned over and touched my hand gently which made me flinch a little, "is everything ok Sisi?"
I was still a little shaky so I smiled brightly at him, nodded my head and patted his hand which was still resting on my other hand.
When we got home he asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him, but I told him I was a bit tired and would go to bed early, I changed my clothes, took a warm shower, climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep.
The next day I woke, my eyes were a little swollen so I didn't come out of my room, my mom did stop in to check on me, she brought me something to eat and then told me she would take Chris out to run errands with her to give me some space to think.
I read my Bible, prayed and had started feeling better, I had noticed that once I spent time with God my whole outlook would change and so would the situation. I got dressed then headed to the backyard which was my favorite place to be.
I climbed into the hammock and swayed peacefully with my eyes closed; my day was turning around and I was feeling like myself again. I talked to God as I laid there and spilled my heart out, I knew He was already aware of the situation but it felt good just to talk.
"Tell him."
I sprang up at the sound of the voice and looked around but there was no one there, yet still I didn't feel afraid, I knew exactly who was speaking, I had heard that voice not so long ago but this time I was more accepting of it.
I decided since no one was home and there was nothing else to distract me, I would call Kate to make sure she was doing alright, I had not really had a chance to speak with her since arriving, I mean we would text each other but I had not heard from her once yesterday and I was getting nervous.
The phone rang out twice, "Oh Simone I am so glad you called, I was just about to call you."
Kate sounded a little excited and anxious, "is everything ok Kate, what's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong at all Simone; they finally caught Nick and Mr. Smith."
"Oh that's wonderful news, do you know how they caught them, I am so relieved that it's finally over."
"Yes, I do actually; they caught Nick chasing me out of our apartment..."
"WHAT!" I screamed, jumping up suddenly and forgetting I was on the hammock; I nearly fell off before swinging my legs on either side to regain my balance.
"Calm down Simone, I am fine, he got into the apartment again while I was on the phone with Eddie, Chris' detective friend and I got this urge to turn around, when I did, I saw him coming down the hall quietly, I screamed and ran for the door, but the police were on their way over to return my purse and came off the elevator at the right time."
"Oh my goodness, you must have been terrified, I am sorry I wasn't there with you, are you positive that you are alright?"
"I was really scared, and yes I am fine now, besides if you were here we might have both been in danger so I am glad you were not. Besides I stayed at my parent's house, I am still here, but now that the shock has worn off I will be heading back home soon."
"Oh, alright then, so how did they find Mr. Smith?"
"Well I remembered a conversation I had with Patrick, then I remembered overhearing Mr. Smith and some of his men talking about hiding places and I pieced it together, but I more believe God planted the idea in my head, I called Eddie, he checked out the lead, it just so happens that Mr. Smith's hideout was two doors down from the precinct."
"No, you're kidding, that is crazy and gutsy to hide out that close to the people after you."
"Well what better way than to hide in plain sight, which is what I remembered he said. It would have worked too if I had not called and told Eddie to keep a watchful eye."
"Wow, well it's finally over and done with and we can move on with our lives, without having to look over our shoulders, what a relief, most importantly I am glad that you are safe, oh by the way how is Patrick doing."
"I am glad we can put it behind us too, oh he is doing so much better, getting stronger every day, they take him for walks and put him through physical therapy, he is even in better spirits now."
"Hmm sounds like you two have been spending a lot of time together girl."
"Well I still go see him daily, and we talk about our lives, past and present, I have been talking to him about God and the church and I was stunned at how much he knew the Bible, he even seems interested in going."
"Oh that is wonderful news, but I am hearing more to it in your voice than just a friendly visit, what's up?"
"Well to be honest with you, I started spending time with him because I felt bad that he almost died because of me; now the more time I spend with him the more I care about him and I realized that he has always cared for me that is why he risked his life, plus I am getting to know a different side of him and he is really a great person."
"Awe honey I am so happy for you, you like him. It's about time you like someone, but my gosh how crazy that you are falling for the guy who helped kidnap you, I guess if you two stay together you can tell your kids how he stole your heart among other things."
We both busted out laughing and I was so happy to hear her laugh again; she smile and chuckled but she never really laughed anymore, not since we were rescued and now that her heart was filled and her mind at ease, he spirit was happy again.
I climbed off the hammock and went over to sit on a bench beneath the large oak tree, the breeze was blowing gently and the fragrance of my mother's flowers danced around me lightly and I couldn't help but take in a deep breath.
"Well enough about me, what's going on with you and your family, how are things going?"
"Things are great, I was so overwhelmed by how much they had missed me and welcomed me back with open arms, especially my brother. His wife is beautiful and very sweet and she told me how much he had missed me and that she was glad I was home again as well."
"That was nice of her, I am glad things are working out, how is Chris, I am sure he is getting along with everyone, he is such a great guy."
"Yeah he loves my family and they love him, match made in heaven." I sighed and slouched down on the bench.
"Hey, what was that?"
"What was what?"
"The way you spoke about Chris was kind of strange, even you voice was pitchy, what's going on, and you know you can tell me anything."
"Oh Kate, I love him." I blurted it out, because I needed someone to talk to who knew me and Chris.
"Yeah I know that, so what's the problem?"
"No, I mean I am in love with him, but I am afraid he doesn't feel the same, I am determined to tell him so but my heart may just be crushed. Plus there is still Eric and I have yet to give him an answer, I know I told him I would tell him when I got back, but I really don't want to marry him."
I started crying again, tears flowing down my face like a stream that had no end, I was confused and a little heartbroken by Chris' reaction yesterday and now although I wanted to tell him, I didn't see how I could.
"Like I said I know you love him, it's written across your face, and if you believe he doesn't feel the same girl; then you are blind, I was just waiting for one of you to make the first move and get it over with."
"You mean you knew, why didn't you say something?"
"Well mainly because I had a feeling that you were not aware of your own feelings and I didn't want to push you, I figured you would get there on your own. So be the strong, smart, independent and courageous woman I know and tell him how you feel, everything else will work out; I really believe that."
"It so good to talk to you Kate, you know me so well and I am thankful for your advice, I believe you are right, I think even God wants me to tell him, but it doesn't lessen the fear and nervousness I still feel."
"Listen sweetie, you will be fine, it's Chris after all and the two of you could always talk about anything so just take a few deep breaths and come clean with him."
I was about to respond again when my mom stuck her head out the door and said that they were back, after she went back inside, Chris came out all smiles. I told Kate I had to go and thanks for the advice and that I loved her.
When Chris sat down next to me he asked if I was feeling better and I told him yes, he then told me about the day he had with my mom and how much fun she was. I in turn told him about what happened with Kate, that both men are finally behind bars and that I believed she was falling for Patrick.
We chatted excitedly for a few more moments about everything that has happened and how glad he is that we are both safe and those men are gone. All the while I was trying to wrap my head around how I would tell him how I felt. I decided there was no better time than the present.
I took a few deep breaths just as Kate had suggested earlier, "Chris I need to tell you something."
I guess I looked really serious because he looked worried, "Is everything ok Sisi?"
"Not right now but I hope it will be; all I ask is that you just listen and not interrupt me please."
He nodded his agreement and I took hold of his hands, "yesterday when we were at the beach and I told you about Eric, I wasn't telling you because I wanted to marry him, I was telling you because you're my best friend and I wanted you to know. Then when you said congratulations, I felt so crushed because what I wanted you to say was, well anything other than that."
I had my eyes fixed on his as I spoke and when I mentioned Eric and the proposal he looked sad, but by the time I got to the end he seemed a little confused.
I continued on, "I have prayed, talk to my mom, to Kate and listened to my heart and it has been telling me that I can't be with Eric, because I am deeply, in love with you, and although it scares me to tell you this, I have decided that no matter how you feel towards me, I would accept it and move forward with my life."
Although I was watching him, I couldn't tell what he was thinking now, he seemed at peace, so again I continued, "I realized how much I loved you when I was kidnapped and the one person that kept coming to my mind was you, I had decided that I would tell you how I felt because we never know what tomorrow holds, but your reaction yesterday threw me off, and I couldn't tell you anymore, then when I asked about the girl you were seeing, I realized that you cared about her and ..."
"Ok Simone, I know you told me not to interrupt you but, I can't let you go any further with what you were about to say, yes I care about Lily a great deal, she was a good support to me when you went missing, but I have been totally and hopelessly in love with you, from the moment I laid eyes on you the first day we met. I was battling telling you how I felt for a long time, but I didn't want to ruin your happiness and just when I had built up the nerve, you tell me about the proposal and I thought you would want me to be happy for you."
"Oh Chris I do want you to be happy for me, but I want us to be happy together, more than anything."
I was on the brink of crying and when he pulled me into his arms and placed a gently kiss on my lips I was done for, the tears flowed and my heart rate picked up; I felt like I was home.
Genesis 2:18 ~ ~Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him."
I was feeling happy and giddy but then Eric's face flashed before me, and I pulled away from Chris, oh dear now I was cheating. I had to talk to Eric and I didn't want to hurt him. We have to work something out.
I left Chris sitting there and ran to the house and straight to my room, I pulled out my phone and called the airline, I needed to see Eric and fast.
***************************************************************************************************
Please Vote and comment if you like it, would really appreciate it, thanks again guys, all the best and happy reading