I was the bad guy? For a couple of minutes I just sat there in bewildered silence unable to do or say anything other than blink in confusion.
Of all the worst case scenarios I'd imagined when it came to a revelation of Matt's and my relationship this was not one that I'd imagined. I'd been working with endless permutations of the 'Matt and Caitie break up – Caitie's heart is broken – everyone says it serves her right for latching on to their heartbroken bestfriend/brother-in-law/brother/son/father in his time of need' or the 'Matt and Caitie break-up – Caitie's heart is broken – everyone pities her because Matt is so out of her league and she should have realised she was the human equivalent of an emotional Kleenex' scenarios. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that it was the 'Matt and Caitie breakup – Matt's heart is broken – everyone hates Caitie because she's a heartless wench who was just using poor emotionally vulnerable Matt' scenario that would play out.
How on earth had that happened? Matt was heartbroken?
As I sat and stewed in confusion I could feel my blood heating and my so-called redheaded temper rising. "Really? Matt's heartbroken is he? Why would you even think that?" I asked in an ice-cold voice.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Steph asked incredulously. "The guy's in love with you Caitlin, of course he's heartbroken! Have you gone crazy? I've never thought you were stupid but now I'm not so sure. I don't remember anyone dropping you on your head when you were a baby."
"No Steph, I'm not crazy nor am I fucking stupid!" I bit out furiously. "I don't understand what's going on here. Seriously, is something afoot at the Circle-K? Because I feel like I'm in some other dimension of time and space!" I stood up and began to pace. My queasy stomach and pounding head protested but it was better than staying put and punching Steph.
"Huh?" Steph asked brow furrowed.
"What I'm saying is, if he's so in love with me why the fuck has he never told me?" I gripped the back of the sofa and leaned in toward her. I'd just like to clarify that those were angry tears in my eyes not the tears of a heartbroken sap.
Understanding dawned in Steph's eyes. "Oh, shit."
"Oh shit indeed," I sniffed.
"But you love him right?" Steph stood up and making her way into the kitchen began to rummage through Henry's cupboards.
"Of course I bloody love him, you'd have to be blind, or stupid or have a heart of stone not to love him!" I flopped hopelessly into the space Steph had vacated on the sofa. My hangover just didn't have the energy for me to continue pacing like a caged animal.
Steph straightened up and cleared her throat, "Ahem."
"Sorry Steph, uh, Brian's amazing too," I said and Steph very kindly didn't call me out on my blatant lack of sincerity. She held up a couple of weird looking beakers and flasks and said, "Crap. I've seen this shit on Instagram. It's one of those hipster coffee maker thingies. Any idea of how the fucking thing works? You're hungover, I'm tired. I need a damn coffee!"
I gave her an apologetic look, "Tea's my thing. NASA gave me clearance to use Matt's coffee maker but for anything else you're on your own. Sorry."
"For the love of god," Steph huffed, "I am not equipped to deal with this without coffee. I thought this was going to be simple. Get in here, berate you into going back to the man who loves you, go for brunch. Boom. Done." She produced a jar of instant coffee that had her shuddering. "But noooooo, that's all too hard. Apparently Matt has been a dickhead." With a shout of triumph she produced a bottle of Kahlua and a carton of milk. "This'll have to do. Alcoholic iced-coffee for me, hair of the dog for you."
If I hadn't known Steph all my life I'd have thought that her unconventional MacGyvering of the coffee crisis was down to Brian's influence but I knew her far better than that.
"So," Steph said sitting down beside me and handing me a coffee mug filled with some awful concoction, "Matt hasn't told you he loves you."
I shook my head sadly. "I don't think that he does though Steph. He likes me but I think I'm just convenient."
"Bullshit," she said as she took a satisfied swig from her coffee mug. "I've seen the way he looks at you. He's in love with you. Caitie, Kelly and I might have given you shit when we were younger but you're an amazing girl. Why the hell wouldn't Matt be in love with you?"
"Because I'm not Val," I answered sadly.
"Fuck," Steph said. We both tilted our heads back against the sofa cushions, stretched our legs out onto the coffee table and stared at the ceiling as if it held all the answers in the universe.
"Ladies," Henry said as he sat down beside us. He reached out and taking the mug from Steph's hand he took a speculative sip. He raised his eyebrows. "Interesting."
"Cute pj's," Steph said as she took in Henry's skull covered flannel pyjama pants.
"Thanks," he said as he handed her mug back and then took mine, "Shit, this is either going to wreck me for days or completely cure me," he took another sip and then continued, "You're both idiots you know."
"Who is?" I frowned at him.
"You and Matt, you and Steph, Brian and Steph. Take your pick at this point. You're all just running around making assumptions." Henry stretched his legs out and mirrored Steph's and my contemplative position on the sofa. The three of us sat in silence passing the mugs of Kahlua back and forth.
We all jumped when the doorbell rang.
"Who's that?" I asked Henry.
"The cavalry," he grinned jumping up and heading for the front door.
Michelle was not impressed when she took in my bedraggled state.
"Hell, it's worse than I thought," she gave a long-suffering sigh and dropped her enormous handbag to the floor beside the sofa. "Okay, you need to get home to my ex-husband before he does some kind of irreparable damage to my son," she said focusing on Steph. Wow, I'd always thought that Brian was a responsible parent, clearly Steph felt the same way judging by the look of confusion on her face.
"Matt's not doing well with all of this on top of still having whatever disease his kids gave him and it has Brian on edge," Michelle offered by way of explanation.
Steph laid a hand on my forearm, "Do you want me to stay? I will if you need me to." Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. Steph loved Baby Gates almost like her own, she considered Michelle to be one of her best friends and she was utterly besotted with Brian yet she was offering to stay with me if I wanted her to over and above the needs of what was, for all intents and purposes, her own family. Michelle was here even though her sister's widower was struggling and the father of her own child was not dealing well with the situation. Henry and Byron had taken me in and cared for me when I was having a stupid breakdown over my boyfriend doing something nice for me. My heart cracked in my chest. I'd never thought that my temporary life in California would gift me with friends that would offer me that level of support. Not when my best friends back home had found me too needy at the worst time of my life.
"Go Steph, it's fine. Henry's here if Michelle decides it's appropriate to cut a bitch," I said with an attempt at levity.
Henry removed the coffee mug from Steph's hand and swirled the contents before asking, "How many of these have you had?"
Steph stood up jamming her hand in to her pocket in search of her car keys. "Didn't even finish the first one. Right then, I'm off. Caitie call me if you need anything, you're more than welcome to come stay with Brian and me." Michelle frowned at her and Steph gave her a hard look. "She probably won't tell you Michelle, but I will, that dickhead you call a brother-in-law hasn't even told her he loves her." Steph followed Henry to the front door.
I felt the colour drain from my cheeks, although considering my hangover there hadn't been a lot there to start with.
Michelle sat down elegantly on the edge of the coffee table. Sometimes I couldn't get over how much she looked like Val.
The compassionate look Michelle gave me had my insides twisting with shame. "Is this why you've been avoiding me? Because you and Matt are a couple?"
I couldn't make eye contact with her. "I'm so sorry Michelle."
She made a sound between a snort and a laugh and said, "Why the hell are you apologising to me? I'm not the one you left worried and frantic."
"But...Matt and Val..." I stammered flabbergasted.
"Caitie, Val's dead. She's not coming back. I don't think that just because Matt and Val had something amazing together that he should just shut himself off from any and all romantic relationships for the rest of his life." Michelle focused on me and I couldn't help but meet her gaze.
"You don't?" How on earth had I gotten such a skewed perspective on how people would react to there being a Matt and me?
Michelle gave me a rueful smile. "Did you not just hear me tell my ex-husband's girlfriend to go help him care for my child? I'm not that petty, life's too short for us to be miserable. Caitie, Val was my twin, I know that she would want Matt to be happy and you make him happy. Except when you freak out and run away from him. Then you just make him fucking miserable and judging by the state you're in you make yourself pretty miserable as well."
Breaking eye contact with Michelle for a moment I caught a quick glimpse of Henry poking his head through the doorway, he gave me a thumbs up before he slid into a seat at the dining table across the room.
"You're right. I do make myself miserable but maybe it's better for me to miserable now rather than later. Michelle I've been where Matt is. How can he possibly be ready for a long term relationship so soon? It'll all end eventually and then where will I be? Heartbroken that's where," I choked on a sob, "Steph says he loves me but if he does why hasn't he told me so?"
Michelle made a soft noise of sympathy but her words were surprisingly direct, "Because he's a man and they're inherently dickheads." She gave an unapologetic shrug in response to Henry's scoffing noises. "Caitie I'm going to tell you a few things about Matt. He's the married guy. He's just happier when he's with someone. I don't mean that he'd settle for just anyone, I just mean that he's the guy who finds a girl and just knows it's right and when it is he just stops there. Why look at fifteen different options when you already know you've found the right one? He found Val and they had decades together. Who does that these days? Matt does and I guarantee you that even if he is a bonehead who hasn't told you how much you mean to him he wants what he had with Val with you. If you'll let him."
I swallowed. Hard. Was that what I was to Matt? The one he chose? The one he wanted? I didn't know what to say, didn't know what I wanted to say. Michelle reached over and patted my knee, it could have been condescending but I took it in the spirit she so clearly intended, comfort. She reached across and grabbed her bag before standing up and saying, "I'll let you think about what I've just said but don't think too hard. That's obviously what you've been doing for weeks now and if you'd just stopped worrying about what the rest of us thought and focused on what Matt was telling you without words, the idiot, you'd have saved yourself a lot of stress and what appears to be a pretty brutal hangover. See you soon." With a wave to Henry Michelle sailed out the door.
"Well," Henry spoke up, "I guess she told you." I resisted the urge to flip him off. "Not that she said anything I didn't want to. She's right you know, I never really thought about it to be honest. Matt is the married guy. Even that night you evicted the groupie from hell. His heart wasn't really in it, she took him down like a lion on a limping gazelle. If his plan had been to fuck his way free of grief he could have done it and if he had he sure as hell wouldn't be shitting where he sleeps." I raised my eyebrows at him, I understood his point but I didn't know whether to feel flattered or furious. "If you know what I mean. No offence," Henry said sheepishly and pinched the bridge of his nose.
Byron appeared in the doorway, "What have I missed?" Seriously? The guy had slept through all that? I looked at Henry who just shrugged as if to say 'the guy likes his sleep'. "Henry my darling, you look like shit on a stick and Caitie you look like death warmed up. Let me cook you both some breakfast and then you, Caitie, can go reclaim your man."
I gaped at him.
"What? Just because you couldn't see me doesn't mean I didn't have my ear to the wall!"