They say war is hell, but, darling, true
hell begins when the battle ends and you're
the only one whose hands still drip red.
- the real war rages in your heart; it always has | j.s.
***
I can't go in.
The door is closed in front of me, blocking my access, but it's not the wood that prevents me from entering. My forehead leans forward, pressing against the frame as I take in the sound.
Orion's cries can be heard.
Faint.
Muffled.
Maybe he had a pillow pressed to his cheek, but I knew better.
Judging but the layer of skin I had seen him wear this morning, it was probably bloody knuckles that were clenched down tight in his teeth while he cried.
I should go in.
I should go in.
The knob stares in front of me, waiting.
I can hear you...don't you know I can hear you? Aren't you aware that the pack house, if they listened in closely and tried to find the noise that bothered them, can hear you?
I can't show my pain in such a way. Maybe they whisper about it, confused and curious.
Why is he crying...didn't she win?
Blinded by misery.
I can't go in.
I have no right to. Orion's sobs don't die down. They only become worse. They only become more filled with pain. I had no right to comfort him when I was the one who had inflicted such pain on him in the first place.
***
"Alpha Theon can be scheduled to visit within the next week. He's been asking again and we've held him off for too long now."
Henry taps his foot against the floor, staring at me silently.
The question hangs in the air, but I move past it.
"We have the reports from the other packs that we sent warriors too. Also the shipment of herbs and their progress in growth."
Henry still is silent.
I want to ignore it. I want him to also.
"Soraya...should you be...resting?"
"They made me stay in the clinic for two days and left me three days in the pack house. You know already Henry. I sent you the report of my-,"
"I don't mean physically..."
He stops, clearing his throat, "I guess a week is enough for you."
Ignore.
I ignore the meaning behind his words and push past whatever they implied.
"Is there any word from Mattock's pack about a challenge to honor his name?"
"None...I don't think any of the brothers were close. His...mate is too distressed to issue one and their child is only three..."
Ignore.
The burning sensation within my chest can't be pushed aside. It's something that won't go away now. I've decided it's my own hellfire- swallowed when I brought down personal damnation upon my soul.
"If a challenge is issued, I'm ready."
I raise my hand, feeling the familiar sensation of claws coming- stretching from my fingers as nail elongate to something violent.
Henry's eyes widen.
"That's odd...Katie had to wait at least several months before um...after..."
Henry and I both look away at the same time.
"Daisy informed me that that's only the case if you complete the full term of carrying."
There is a small silence in the room before Henry breaks it.
He's done what I finally wanted of him.
Ignore.
Move on.
Please. Please.
If it never happened. Then I don't have to add that to my growing list of nightmares.
***
It's strange how one event can make your life change. Never to go back to the way it was.
I was aware of this fact.
There are several key moments in my own when I had to change my personality- morph into something different because one event- one happening- altered the path I was on.
Life can never go back to how it was.
But I had no one to blame but myself.
I had nothing to blame but me. Me for believing I could change my own life, into something easy. Something soft. Something good.
I should have known better.
Soft things break. They shatter in your hand.
They are fragile.
Weak.
Life can never go back to how it was.
"How is Orion feeling?"
I vaguely know the she-wolf in front of me. She was on my wall. Her picture was there. I knew her name. Her random outburst, while I made my way to the training grounds, thew me off.
Valery. She eyes me curiously, waiting for my answer.
Does she know? But how would she know? Maybe she had passed by the pack house, maybe rumors were spreading...
"Orion told us he would be out for a couple of weeks from the nursery....Henry told us he wasn't feeling well. Oh!"
She pulls something from her bag.
I freeze when I see the child like drawings in her hands.
"The pups made get well soon cards for him!"
I don't want them. I don't want to touch that.
She clears her throat, uncomfortably holding them now.
"Do you know when he might be back? The pups miss him."
It hits me then with a tremendous weight, the reality of what Orion had been doing. When he left the pack house, when he said goodbye- he wasn't going to them.
Where was he going?
The woods.
I should have known that he would revert back to his wolf. I should have known that he would regress into something less, into an animal of little feeling who did not want to care about any such sorrow except survival.
"Orion probably won't be back for a while."
Her face falls.
"Oh...? Is he oka-,"
"I need him to act like a Luna. Not playing with children pretending to be one himself. I'm having him take on his duty to the pack."
And just like that her face switches. It hardens at my words, morphing into something uncaring, distrustful.
She probably was expecting the same kind oddity from me as they saw in Orion. Now a 180 in personality.
"He's not sick is he."
I laugh. It sounds forced to my ears, but she gives into it.
"The children love him! He likes being around them...Alpha... I don't mean to speak out of hand but with all due respect, the role of a Luna should be to also guide the chil-,"
"I will decide what that role is. I will make that call for him."
"You're taking away something he needs!"
The air leaves me. For a second I can't breathe.
She glares at me, still holding those scribbled drawings.
I see the top one at a glance.
It looked like a crude description of a boy and wolf playing together.
"I know."
Her face drops into surprise at my whispered confession.
I can hold it in. I can maintain that image that she will see me as.
Pushing back my shoulders, I look down at her, seeing my own icy stare reflected back in her wide eyes.
"Don't talk to Orion unless he approaches you. You shouldn't address your Luna in such a casual manner."
I put my back to her, ignoring the strangled noise of surprise.
"Wait...the cards..."
I can't turn back around. My mask is already shattered. The burning sensation that is constantly there in my chest is spreading to the rest of my body. My head, my arms- my eyes.
Instead I spit out over my shoulder, "Throw it away."