I returned to his chamber later that night to help him get ready for bed. I don't understand how a grown man needed help undressing and getting tucked in bed every night. His tendency for clinginess annoys me incredibly and I let him know of my annoyance by grunting and hissing endlessly.
I told him once he does it on purpose and he made no admission to such a thing. What're you talking about? He crooned while I scowled at him in return.
Tonight, he didn't tease me, he made no suggestive noises, he made no attempt of being childish. He was quiet, and so was I. This piercing silence exploded and screamed at both of us.
I straightened to my height, dropping what I was doing and poured my eyes softly into his. "What's the matter?"
"Li He told me he spoke to you about my offer." He murmured with aching tenderness.
"Oh, that." I tried sounding casual. "Was it true?"
Bravely, my hands tugged on the outer layer of his robe, by his chest, pulling him a bit closer, hinting my desire for him. He smiled, his eyes glinted with suggestive delight.
"I want to make it official before I send you away."
"Before you get married to someone else, you mean?"
I hated myself for saying it, it came out of nowhere, and I didn't mean to bring it up the way I did. I have not anticipated showing my mellow dramatic tendency this evening. But the thought of him getting married to another woman had been hovering in my mind all afternoon, and I could not hold back this ache that's been piercing my chest. I needed to let it out, let him hear it, so he knows that it's bothering me as much as he probably doesn't want to hear it.
I ruined what could've been a romantic night. I pushed away. "I think, I'm fine working as your servant for the rest of my life, that way there's no expectation, no heartache, no pain...no loneliness."
He let out a long sigh. "I want to take care of you, Hui. I want to give you what you deserve. I want to lay beside you in bed, and sleep beside you every night. I want to make love to you, and have children with you. My engagement had been arranged since I was young. I don't feel for her the way I feel about you." He sucked a steadying breath. "Why are you so stubborn?!"
"Because your world is different from mine. We're heaven and earth. You have people worship and bow their heads to you while I bow my head even to the filthiest people there is. I'm never going to get used, understand, or belong to your world."
"What do you mean? You don't have to do anything, you literally just have to be by my side, that's it." He argued.
"No! I can't and don't force me to agree with you! Li He is not in charge of me, you and him can't decide for me."
"But you are my property and there's no escaping me. Either way, Hui...you're in the palm of my hand and your fate lies with what I decide to do with you. I love you, I will marry you instead of her if it's up to me! But there are powerful people around me that will not let this happen. My father will have you killed, do you even realize that?!" Frustration swelled his voice. "Please, stop this!"
"I love you, too." I broke into a smile. "Sorry for being dramatic, I didn't mean what I said." Even though I did, I want to protect myself, my feelings, but I'm too weak. I wanted to experience a romantic relationship with him. I wanted to know what it's like, to taste him, to love him, and get his love in return and all these things going on in my mind - clashing with each other is driving me insane.
He's getting married...soon, his wife is going to have all the rights to him. Even if he took me as a concubine, it'll never be the same. I will forever yearn to be a wife I'm never good enough.
"Come here." He said and yanked me to his chest. "No wonder Li He is so stressed out all the time, you are a handful."
I pressed my cheeks on his chest.
"So?" He asked. "Do I hear, yes?"
I hesitated. "How do you make that stuff official anyway?"
"I'm not sure, but this is my first time." He moaned, his voice plunged into a seductive tease.
"Oh, is that how it's done?" I teased him back and he giggled - excited. I giggled with him.
"Stay the night." He purred. "Be with me."
I exhaled and pressed my head harder on his chest without saying anything.