April 19
Tayja
I roll onto my back again so I can stare up at the wide-open sky. It's so beautiful out here. The air is a little chilly, but I'm warm lying in the sun wearing the jacket Ryan bought me. The sky is the purest blue I think I've ever seen. The snow-capped mountains in the distance are picturesque. Thick forest borders both sides of the river, full of black spruce trees that look like very tall, skinny Christmas trees. The sounds of rushing water and forest life drift to my ears.
"Giving up so soon?" Ryan asks, a rare grin tugging at the left side of his mouth.
"I think the fish made their preferences clear," I say, shifting my gaze to the fish Ryan has caught. When I finally managed to catch one, Ryan said it was too small and that I had to throw it back. "Besides, I don't want to clean out fish guts." I make a face.
"I'd do that for you if you find it so offensive."
I smile at him. He looks back at the river.
"Do you ever go swimming?" I ask.
He turns to look at me. "Here?" he asks, blue eyes wide.
"Yeah?" I say, confused and frustratingly, a little flustered by those mesmerizing blue eyes.
"This is a glacier-fed river. You'd probably freeze to death before you made it to the other side," he says.
"Oh."
"Don't fall in," he says.
Ryan returns his attention to his fishing rod and me to the scenery. Out here, I feel a sense of peace and calm that I haven't felt in a long time. I remember what Ryan told me last week, that everyone on Earth thinks I'm dead. My demise was announced on the news. No one will be looking for me anymore. I might actually be safe now.
That realization has taken a very long time to sink in. Even though the men hunting me down must have given up now, the nightmares won't go away. I don't know if they ever will. But at least I'll never have to live one of those nightmares ever again. I'm safe now. I don't have to be afraid anymore.
I close my eyes as I begin to hum a song that comes to mind. It's a tune written for a lyrical poem penned long ago about a river in Scotland the poet loved. It was one of the first songs I learned to play on the guitar back in elementary school. I've always been better at playing music than singing, but after humming a few bars of the melody, I can't resist singing the opening lines.
Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes,
Flow gently, sweet river, the theme of my lays;
My Mary's asleep by thy murmuring stream,
Flow gently, sweet Afton, disturb not her dream.
I open my eyes again to see Ryan looking at me, his eyes a little wide.
"You have a good voice," he says.
I can already feel myself blushing. "I'm not that great. My sister though, she's..."
I stop talking as I remember the last time I heard my little sister's voice. She wasn't singing. She was screaming. I sit up and hug my knees to my chest. I feel tears sting in my eyes. A strong, gentle hand comes to rest on my shoulder. I bury my face in my arms and sob once. Twice. Three times. I take deep breaths until I can breathe normally without my throat closing up.
"I'm sorry," I say.
"It's OK," says Ryan.
With the memory of my sister's death so fresh in my mind, I suddenly realize just how open and exposed I am here. There is the forest to my back and across the river, but to each side, I can see quite a long distance to the next bend in the river. Even with the gun at my side, I long for the safety and security of the cabin.
"Can we go home now?"
Ryan frowns at me slightly. "If you're cold, I can start a fire."
"No, it's not that," I say, aware that I'm hugging myself tighter.
Ryan doesn't say anything, but he looks a little disappointed as he packs up the fishing gear. Once he's finished, he leads me to the cabin in silence.
~~~
"Have you ever owned a dog?"
I look up from my puzzle spread across the kitchen table.
"Yeah. Sparky. He was a big fluffy golden retriever. Why?"
Ryan is standing in the kitchen preparing the fish he caught.
"Did you like him?"
"Did I like him? Of course I liked him! My parents bought him for my fifth birthday. I helped train him and gave him walks every day and taught him tricks. He slept in my bed. The day we had to put him down was..." I stop. I was about to say the worst day of my life, but that's not true anymore. "The second worst day of my life," I finish. "How could you ask if I LIKED him?"
Ryan shrugs. "Sorry. Didn't know if you were more of a cat person."
I snort. "No way. Besides, I'm allergic to cats." I feel a little guilty for blowing up at Ryan. He didn't know how much Sparky meant to me. "Have you ever owned a dog?"
He shakes his head. "Mom doesn't like anything that drools, or sheds, or makes loud noises, or makes messes."
"I bet she loved children." I immediately clap my hands over my mouth, realizing too late that the callous remark was being spoken aloud.
Ryan laughs. "She hired people to take care of us until we were 'tolerable' as she put it."
I grimace. "That sounds awful."
"I did try to sneak a dog into the house once. I made it a week before she found out and took it away."
"Have you thought about getting a dog now?"
Ryan glances up at me and his eyes narrow slightly.
"I don't really know how to take care of a dog or train it. The temperatures get pretty extreme up here. If it ran away and got lost..." he trails off.
I look down, disappointed. The emotion fades quickly when I fit the last edge pieces together to finish the border. Smiling at my progress, I slide the puzzle to the unused side of the table as Ryan carries the dinner he's prepared to the table. I help him set the table.
"I've never really been much of a fan of fish, but this is actually pretty good," I say.
"Neither was I. I had to learn how best to prepare it as a means of survival. Rainbow trout isn't my favorite, but pretty soon the salmon migration will start. I'll be spending a lot of time out by the river then. Resupply deliveries can get really delayed during winter. I preserve fish I catch during summer so I won't run out of food in winter. That's an experience I don't wish to repeat."
I frown. "That sounds ominous."
"I wasn't really prepared for my first winter here. I didn't starve, but there were moments when it looked like a possibility. Fortunately, there was a warmer, clear day at just the right time. The helicopter was able to make it here."
"But couldn't you just go to a store? There have to be people living somewhere near here."
"There are a few towns to the south. But the snow was too deep, daylight was too short, and it was much too cold for travel."
"What would you have done if the delivery hadn't come?"
"I don't like to think about it. I just make sure that I'll never run out of food again."
"What about me? Will you have enough food for two people to survive the winter here?"
"Are you expecting to be here in winter?"
I look down. The thought of starvation in this cabin is terrifying, but the thought of leaving is distinctly more so.
"How long do you intend to stay here?" he asks.
"Ideally, until everyone forgets I ever existed."
Ryan emits a small chuckle. "I suppose we're both here for the same purpose, then."
I frown. "I suppose we are."