I wake up on Sunday morning to get ready for church with Ethan. I wonder what I should wear. I've been to churches that are really casual, and some where people wear fancy clothes.
I send a quick text to Ethan: What should I wear?
His instant reply: Clothes
Me: Duh! Dressy or casual?
Ethan: Dressy casual.
Me: You're no help at all.
Ethan: I'm wearing khakis and a button down shirt.
Me: Thank you.
He arrives at 9:20 AM in his sporty little Volkswagen, which I've come to love. When I climb into the passenger seat yet again, and he closes the door, I inhale the scent, loving that it smells like him. He grabs my hand as we drive back towards Lansing.
I'm pleasantly surprised when we arrive at his church. I wouldn't describe it as a mega church exactly, but the sanctuary is like a small auditorium. I can hear the music playing as Ethan guides me in. We find his family and sit down, but I intentionally avoid eye contact with Jessica. That whole situation still feels kind of awkward because she's made no attempt to apologize to me whatsoever. But at least now I know that Ethan really loves me and that her attempts at intimidation won't sway me again.
The place reminds me of my dad's church, although the service isn't quite as boisterous. People still sing and raise their hands on occasion, and I even sing along with one song I remember from when I was younger. I follow Ethan's lead during the service, and I sneak a few peeks at him when he has his hands raised. What strikes me is how sincere his face is, with his eyes closed, singing like he really means it. To be honest, the expression on his face reminds me of how he looks at me. I wonder how he can experience God on such a personal level. How does he have so much confidence that God loves him?
After the service, Ethan's father invites me to their home for brunch, which is a Sunday tradition for them. On the way to his house I express my concern about Jessica. "It doesn't seem like she likes me very much," I tell him.
He sighs. "I told you she has issues. I'm sure she'll be on her best behavior because I told her in no uncertain terms that I'm more than serious about you. I think she's starting to understand that you make me happy."
"Thanks," I say, squeezing his hand. After he pulls into his driveway, I place my hand on his cheek, turning his face towards me. "You make me happy, too," I tell him, confirming it with a kiss.
Brunch is fairly pleasant, and Jessica doesn't say anything particularly mean or hateful. She mostly avoids me and any kind of conversation with me, which I can handle for now. The other girls want to talk my ear off about the wedding.
The afternoon is hot and stuffy and still. Even in the air-conditioned fortress of Ethan's house, it starts to feel stifling.
The twins come running in, screeching, "Ethan, will you take us swimming? Please, big brother!" They giggle and goof around with him, pleading shamelessly.
He looks at them and then at me, and I can tell they're convincing him. "Do you want to go swimming?" He asks.
Swimming. There's an idea. The summer is almost gone, and I haven't been swimming yet.
"I don't have a waterproof leg," I remind him.
"Ethan has a swimming leg!" Annie yells.
He turns to me and says, "I'll go without mine if you go without yours."
"Where do we swim?" I ask, kind of interested since I enjoy the water. But my apprehension overshadows my interest since I've not yet had my full body on display since my accident.
"There's a small community pool just a few blocks away," he says.
"I don't have a swimsuit either," I tell him, probably making it sound like I'm trying to get out of it, but I'm just nervous.
"You can borrow one of mine," Tanya tells me. She's only twelve and I laugh a little at the idea, but we are actually pretty close to the same size. The Broadwell women are pretty tall. Even the twins are just a hair shorter than me.
I take a deep breath and agree. "Okay."
I follow Tanya to her room and she hands me a pretty aqua colored one piece maillot with just a little plunge in the neckline. I gratefully take it to the bathroom to put it on under my clothes, which sounds easier than it is. I usually take off my leg to get dressed and undressed, so I do that first. Then I strip down to my birthday suit and put on the swim suit. So far so good. But I want to know how others are going to see me, so I stand up on my left leg and hop a little over to see myself in the full-length mirror. I'm used to the view, but I'm anxious about how others will see me. Will they be grossed out or tell me that I should cover up the monstrosity of my missing leg? I know it makes people uncomfortable, but I haven't quite figured out how to put them at ease. I mean, it's not my responsibility to make them feel comfortable around me, but I want to help in the process if I can. I guess I don't want people feeling sorry for me, since I've done enough of that for the last six months to last me a lifetime. I decide to put on my best face, have fun with Ethan and his siblings, and let people think whatever they want to about me and my one and a half leg.
Besides, Ethan is missing his, too, so I won't be the only one.
I put my leg back on, and then the swim cover that Tanya had lent me as well, and then I put on my left shoe; my right leg already has the shoe attached. I wasn't planning on swimming or I would have thought to bring some tennis shoes, but the dressy ones will have to do.
We walk to the pool since it's so close. It's odd to see Ethan in his swim trunks because I've only ever seen him wear pants. His prosthesis isn't as obvious as mine is, but I know he's still a bit self-conscious about it.
I help Annie and Amy to put on sunscreen because they're the fairest. Tanya can handle her own, obviously, and Zachary has already jumped into the pool. Jessica didn't come along, which is a bit of a relief, to be honest.
"Okay, chief, how do we do this?" I ask Ethan and he just chuckles. "I don't want to get my good shoes wet."
He sizes up the situation for a few moments. Then he pulls up a patio chair, right next to the edge of the pool and motions for me to sit down. I take off my left shoe first, then my right leg. It still seems funny to me from time to time that I can take off my leg like a piece of clothing. I haven't gotten too many stares yet, and the place is packed. They haven't seen the freak show yet. At least with Ethan, we'll be a freak show together.
"Now," Ethan says, "Can you stand up on your left leg and sit down on the edge of the pool?"
It doesn't seem like it will be that hard, but I'm often surprised by things that take a little more planning than they used to. It's easy enough to stand up on one leg, but to lower myself to the ground is tricky. Ethan grasps my waist while I lower myself down, and voila, I'm on the edge of the pool. And yes, now people are staring at my missing leg, especially children.
Ethan, in turn, tugs off his prosthetic leg and leans it against mine by the patio chair. It's kind of a funny sight, to be honest, to see both of our legs propped there, side by side. Then he sits down next to me and pulls off his t-shirt. I see for the first time that he's quite muscular and toned. He slips off the edge into the water, and then grabs me by the hips to pull me in as well. Easy as pie.
I realize that it's much easier to get around in the pool, which should have occurred to me before. My arms are strong, and I don't lose my balance like I would on land. Soon Ethan is playing around with his sisters, chasing them, tossing them into the water, splashing them, while I float and paddle around them, watching the display.
His smile is so genuine and his laugh is contagious. I marvel at the closeness of his family after all they've been through. I'm sure that their grief brought them together in a healing way. Still, occasionally I wonder how Ethan can be so joyful all the time.
Then it dawns on me. It's a choice. He told me that after he wasted so much time feeling sorry for himself about his mom's death, he decided to snap out of it and get back to living his life. He did it to honor her, and to make the most out of his life. He didn't just come out of it one day and feel like it was all better. I've seen him cry over her, and I know it will never be all better. But he chooses daily to see the good in everything, to cherish what he has and to live in the moment.
I'm going to learn so much from him.
As we quickly progress towards September, I grow a little anxious about returning to classes. I'm not exactly sure why. Ethan told me that he would re-arrange his schedule for a while so that he could take me to classes and pick me up, as I'm not allowed to drive on my own yet. My parents can also take me in when their schedules allow. But I'll be happy with Ethan driving me.
Sam returns at the end of her internship much wiser and more experienced, but still the same wacky best friend I've always had. She decides not to move back into the dorms and to live with her parents to save on expenses. I'm relieved by this because it would have made it harder on me if she moved back into the dorms without me. I'm not ready to be out "on my own" yet, so staying with my parents for now makes the most sense.
In September, my therapists and doctors are planning to fit me for a permanent prosthetic now that my stump is a bit more permanently shaped and toughened up. The prospect excites me, believe it or not, especially with the idea of getting one with a microprocessor knee, which will make walking much easier and more normal. I'm lucky because my parents have incredible insurance and I'm young so that makes me much more eligible for a high-tech limb.
On the first day of classes for Michigan State, I'm just a little nervous. I decide to wear shorts just so I can get used to the stares from others. But I also want it to be obvious if I walk kind of funny. I think that many people know about my accident, but on a campus of 50,000 students, most people won't know who I am or what I've been through.
Ethan gives me a pep talk in the parking lot before my first class. "You're beautiful, you know that?"
"Um, thanks, but that's not going to help me through classes today."
"You're still the same you, the same hard-working, no-nonsense go-getter. You're going to do great." He kisses me and watches while I walk into the building.
I'm surprised that it turns out pretty well, and uneventful at that. A few people glance, one or two of them stare outright, but for the most part, it doesn't feel much different than before. Once that hurdle is crossed, I literally feel like I'm back on track. I think back to how discouraged I was after my accident, and I can't believe I've come this far.
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