Trigger Warning: This Chapter Contains References to Physical Abuse and Sexual Trauma
I remembered one day back in ninth grade. It was so clearly set in my mind, I'm sure I could never forget it. One night, Troy had come in. He touched me, kissed me, beat me. Whatever his heart desired, and I was his little pleasure machine. It was the usual stuff, and I reacted the usual way. Going to school, hiding my bruises with a large sweatshirt. Hiding my scars with knee socks and boots. No one got to see the marks on my ankles and my thighs and my arms. No one got to see the deep, permanent gashes right below my breasts.
I went to school that day. Sweatshirt. Knee socks. Boots. This time, though, I had a scarf. To hide his finger-shaped bruises on my neck. He hadn't been careful that night. He told me he got too "carried away." He told me I was just too beautiful, and that he didn't have a choice. Then he threatened to kill me if I didn't cover those bruises.
So I tried. But no amount of makeup could fix them. The foundation was too light, and the bruises were far too dark. So I went to school with a scarf that day. Fortunately for me, it was January. And scarves weren't all that uncommon.
Later that day, I went over to Jax's house. We were having dinner with his family. Maya was there, and Milo, and Norah and Richard and Chloe. And, of course, Jax. Things were going perfectly. I was able to hide my bruises, and I hid my pain just a bit better. Later that night, Milo, Maya, Jax and I gathered in the home theater to watch a movie. It was hot in there, much too hot for a wool scarf. But it was also dark in there.
I thought - just this once - that'd it be okay to uncover the bruises. The lights were dimmed, and the giant TV screen was the only thing shining on us. But Maya was beside me. And even back then, she didn't have the capability of being quiet.
"Whoa, Alyssa, what's on your neck?" she asked, much too loudly. I remember the way my stomach sank. I had given myself away.
Troy was going to kill me.
"It's...it's nothing," I said quickly, grabbing my scarf again.
"Yes it is...oh my gosh...Alyssa is that a hickie?" Maya had asked, eyes wide. Jax was on my other side, and of course, that caught his attention. He glanced over, and saw the bruise on the other side of my neck.
"Alyssa, who gave you a hickie?" Milo piped up. "Was it Ryan Thompson? Did you guys get back together?"
"No...no...it's not a hickie...it's just...it's a..." I stammered, trying to find an excuse in that messed up brain of mine.
"A bruise," Jax had finished for me. My stomach tightened.
"N-no," I tried to say, but I was too bad at lying to him.
"Lis," his voice softened. "I know a bruise when I see one. What happened?" He was speaking only to me now, not to Milo or Maya, who had both exhausted their interest and were refocused on the movie.
"It's nothing, Jax."
"It looks like something a person left behind," he continued, a knowing tone in his voice. "You can tell me, Lis. Did something happen?" I was quiet for a while. Until, finally...
"No, Jax. It was nothing. I just...I fell on the ground, my neck hit something on the floor." It was a stupid lie. A stupid lie that we both knew was stupid. Jax knew better than to buy that. But the more he asked, the more I denied it. Until finally - eventually - I forced him to drop it.
Back then, I could keep Jax from finding out about Troy. But this time, I knew, as I drove away...I knew that I couldn't.
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Jax: Hey, where are you?
That text was sent almost two hours ago. I've been driving around since then, trying to avoid everything. Trying to dry my tears. I knew I'd have to face Jax today. I couldn't get out of seeing him. If I tried, he'd come over to my house. He couldn't do that. And if I ignored him, well...
Since that first text, I had gotten three more during the course of these two hours.
Jax: Hello?
Jax: I'm starting to worry that you actually tried to speed and went off the road. Text me back.
Jax: I'm serious. I'm worried. Can you please reply?
Then I got five missed calls from Jax. I even got two from Maya, which meant that Jax had contacted her and told her that he couldn't reach me. I was going to text my mom and tell her not to go back to the house, but I knew that Troy wouldn't be there by the time she got back. He wouldn't return to our house for a while, at least. Because he'd be worried that I called the cops. There was no point in scaring my mom. Plus, he made it pretty clear which one of us he wanted.
At least it bought me some time.
Then I got one last text. My most recent one, and the reason that I was heading to the Maxwell Mansion right now.
Jax: I'm going to call the police, Lis, if you don't respond soon.
I scrambled to text him back after that. No. He couldn't do that.
Me: Be there in ten.
This time, at least, that was true.
I was pulling into Jax's driveway, then. My red, blotchy face had nearly cleared up from bawling for the past couple of hours. Of course, Jax would be able to tell I was sobbing, anyway. But I'd come up with some sort of explanation. It didn't matter.
To my surprise, Jax was in the doorway when I pulled up, leaning against the frame. His eyes closely followed my car as it parked, and then they met mine. Something changed in those ocean blues.
Yup, he knew that I had been crying.
I stepped out of the car. I couldn't look at him directly. I don't know if that's because of the shame I felt for making him worry, or because of the shame I felt for not telling him about Troy, or because of the shame I felt just by being in Troy's presence. But I knew that I wasn't ready to talk about this.
Jax didn't say anything to me as I walked up the front steps. It was ridiculous, but I couldn't help but feel like he knew. Somehow, he knew everything. And he was repulsed by me, just like I always feared he would be.
I wordlessly stepped passed him and into the giant foyer. I heard the door click behind me as he shut it. Then I went still, my back to him.
Silence.
"Are you going to tell me what happened to you?" he finally asked, voice calm and even, but laced with frustration. I fought back more tears. I was a piece of trash, for making him sit here and worry about me. I should've at least texted him, and told him I went for a drive or something. But I hadn't been thinking clearly.
At the time, I only wanted to get away.
Even now, I couldn't find the words to say. So I didn't say anything.
"Come on, Lis. I've been sitting here, freaking out with every passing minute. I thought something happened to you, and maybe you were hurt somewhere. That's freaking scary, Lis. So you better tell me what's going on. Now."
He was mad. And he had every right to be. But I couldn't bring myself to even look at him. He was so good to me. He was there for me, always. I cared about him. What am I even saying? I loved him.
And that's why I couldn't bear to give him a part of me that I was certain no one could love.
I folded my arms.
"I'm sorry." Shoot. Did that tiny, pitiful voice belong to me?
Jax cursed under his breath. Then he came up behind and me, and slowly placed his hands on my arms.
"Shit. You're shaking," he said softly. He was right. I was shivering all over, and I hadn't even realized it. "Come on." He guided me away from the door, and up a flight of stairs. I knew where we were going, and yet I felt the need to rely on Jax to get me there. I hated this feeling. Like I was completely and utterly useless.
I made it to the library in one piece, amazingly. I came to rest on the sofa in the very center of the room, and Jax came and sat beside me. He was watching me very carefully. I knew he was measuring just how much damage had been done. But I'm sure that if he looked in my eyes, he could see it all.
So I turned my face away.
He sighed and leaned forward.
"I really did think you got in an accident or something," he spoke into the silence. "You really scared me."
"I know," I whispered.
"You're still scaring me." More silence filled the void between us.
"I know," I repeated.
"Please, Lis, just tell me what happened. You seemed fine today. I didn't think anything was wrong," Jax continued. This time, I did look at him. He didn't deserve a cold shoulder. He didn't do a thing wrong. He was sitting here, patiently waiting for my response while he was internally freaking out.
I didn't deserve him.
"Jax, there's something I have to tell you," I said. He stared at me for a moment, taking it in. Then he nodded. One single, distinctive gesture.
"Okay," he finally said, but I could hear the slight edge to his voice. He was nervous, and I shouldn't prolong the anticipation. He's already had to wait for me enough today. But I didn't know where to start. There was so much I've been keeping from him. This huge, looming cloud that amassed itself over our friendships for years. And he had no idea just how deep and dark this all was.
But I had to tell him. It was time to shed some light on this obscure darkness that I've been hiding from him. He deserved the truth, and no matter what happened afterward...
Well.
He deserved the truth anyway.
I cleared my throat, trying to get past the lump that was doing its best to keep me quiet. It's time.
"Jax..." I began. I took a deep breath. I could already feel the tears trying to make an appearance, but I forced them back. I had to get through this. "Do you remember that night I called you...because...because my mom kicked Troy...out?" He stared at me, confusion evident in his eyes even as he nodded again.
"Yes," he said. He didn't understand why that mattered right now. He couldn't. But soon he'd figure it out, and the pieces would fit together.
And I was absolutely terrified for that moment to come.
"You asked me...if h-he hurt me," I began. I swallowed. I knew what I had to say. And I didn't want to say it. I wanted to swallow those words, and keep them locked away. I never wanted Jax to have to hear them. It's time. "And I lied to you."
I expected the silence, and I was ready for it when it came. Jax went tense. His body became so still, that it was like he wasn't even alive anymore. I couldn't look at him for long.
"What?" he whispered harshly, even though he knew just what I meant. He just didn't want to believe it.
"Jax, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I said. A tear escaped, despite my best efforts. His jaw was set, and his hands curled into fists.
"He...he hurt you?" he said, his eyes flashing to mine. I looked away again.
"Y-yes."
"He hit you?" Jax continued. This time, all I could muster was a wordless nod. Jax's eyes darted away, and he turned his head to face one of the bookshelves. "W-when did he start...?" I could tell he was struggling to stay calm. The fury was gripping his body with an intensity I could feel. I hated it.
"After he lost his job," I breathed. Another tear. This was becoming impossible to bear. But I wasn't finished. I couldn't be finished yet, no matter how badly I wanted to be. "But Jax...th-there's more." His gaze snapped to meet mine. I knew he was angry, but this was the first time I saw the pain in his eyes. It killed me.
It really, really killed me.
"There's more?" he repeated, incredulous. His head fell into his hands, and he shook it slowly. "How could there possibly be more." It wasn't a question. It was a plea. I'm sorry, Jax, I'm so, so sorry.
"He u-used to come into my room...at night...a-and..." I couldn't finish. I couldn't say it. These words, these feelings, these memories...they inundated me with things that I hated. I hated this part of me. I hated me because of this part. "He used to t-touch me. A-and k-kiss me..."
I broke. Shattered. Like glass. I sunk down from the couch. Shrunk away from Jax. I curled up on the floor.
I couldn't hold myself together anymore.
For a while, my pathetic, frail sobs were the only sounds that echoed through the library. I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes. I knew what I'd see. Disgust. I was disgusting. I let Troy do those things to me...it was pathetic.
Suddenly, I felt a shadow cast over me.
"L-Lis," he said. His voice was shaky. "Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you! Why didn't you tell me?" There it was. The anger. The betrayal. I was petrified by the very thought of what would happen. What I knew would happen. Jax wouldn't want me anymore. The last time I kept something so big from him, it nearly destroyed our friendship. But this time...these were years of lying to his face.
Years of another man using me for his pleasure.
How could Jax ever forgive me for that?
"Answer me, Alyssa," he continued. "Please."
More silence. I couldn't get my mouth to frame the words. All I could see was Troy, now. Ruining my life, even when he wasn't here.
"I was scared," I finally managed to bite out. "I was scared he'd h-hurt you, and I'd l-l-lose you." And then I buried my face in my hands and choked back more sobs. I struggled to get oxygen into my starving lungs. It was like my own body was punishing me. And I deserved it.
"We could have gone to the police," he said, but I could hear the tightness in his voice. He would've gone to the police, I was sure. But he also would've taken things into his own hands. He would've tried to murder Troy.
"N-no. He'd still get us," I whimpered.
I had to force myself to look at Jax this time. Even though I was scared of what I'd see. Even though I had a feeling that I knew what was there.
I had to see how much I hurt him.
Sure enough, he looked...horrible. The horror in his eyes was unmistakable. His hair was mussed from how much he'd run a hand through it, something he only did when he was flirting or frustrated. Obviously, only the second one applied here. He was staring at me. There was so much anger and hurt in those eyes, those ocean blue eyes...
And then he slammed his fist on the coffee table. I flinched and looked away again. I couldn't stop the screech from exiting my lips. Stupid, stupid Alyssa. Jax wouldn't hurt me. Even after I tore him apart, I knew he wouldn't. But all I could think about was Troy slamming the wall.
And Troy getting closer.
And Troy grabbing me.
And tying me.
And touching me.
I yanked my knees up to my chest and tossed my head down. I cried. I couldn't breathe. My chest was closing in, my lungs were giving up. My heart was racing, trying to get away from me.
"I'm sorry, Jax, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I choked, murmuring those same words over and over again. I imagined Troy, at my house, once again. Waiting for me when I got home. He was back. Troy had returned. And now I've driven away the one person who made me feel safe. Stupid, stupid Alyssa.
"Alyssa." His voice was suddenly much closer. I fought off another scream and tightened my arms around my knees, hugging myself. "Lis, hey." He spoke softer now. The anger was still there. That much was clear. But it was in check. I could tell just by his voice.
"I must be a monster to you," I finally said. And there it was. The truth. A huge, enormous, colossal truth. I was a monster. I was disgusting. Violated. Corrupted. I was a piece of garbage. Useless and unusable. He couldn't want me. Not after this.
But then--in a moment--he was right beside me. Sitting on the floor. Pulling me into his arms.
"You're not a monster," he whispered, drawing me close. I couldn't help it. I cried harder. He wrapped his strong arms around my timid, shaking body. His lips were in my hair as he crooned, "I couldn't ever see you that way. And I couldn't ever hate you for what he did to you."
No. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't deserve this.
"J-J-Jax...how can you t-touch me?" I asked harshly. "How can you touch me knowing what I've done?" I tried to pull away, even though I didn't want to. This wasn't right. I longed to be in Jax's arms, but I couldn't let him pity me like this. He was too kind a soul to leave me, but he needed to. I didn't want him touching me because he felt bad...not after he knew.
But Jax didn't let me go. Instead, he held me in tighter. And then he was placing his hands on either side of my head, and forcing me to look at him. I looked for the horror. The disgust. But to my utter surprise, it wasn't there. His eyes were blazing with a passion that I hadn't seen in a very long time. They shown with an emotion I couldn't identify, or label, but somehow, I felt what it was. I felt it by the way he held me.
"No, Lissy," he said firmly. "What happened to you is not your fault, do you hear me?" His eyes were bright with unshed tears, and the sentiment of that alone was grabbing at my heart. Jax very rarely cried.
"B-but you're...angry," I whispered. That much, at least, I knew to be true.
"I am angry," he said. "I'm angry that you didn't tell me. And I'm angry that this ever happened to you. I'm angry that I didn't see it before." He took a deep breath, and I could tell he was trying to reign in his fury again. "But this doesn't change how I see you. I...I love you."
My heart stopped. He loved me? He loved me? After all this...this mess...
He loved...me?
"W-what?" I gasped, because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Somehow, Jax managed some sort of small, weak smile.
"I've always loved you, Lis. And I still do. Nothing has changed, okay? The only thing that's changed is that I'm gonna take care of you this time," he said. His gentle fingers swiped at my many, many tears. And then he leaned in, and pressed the sweetest, most beautiful kiss I had ever imagined right on the tip of my nose. "Trust me this time, Lis." And then I was pressing my face into his shirt, letting him dry my tears as he held me in a crushing embrace. And I didn't want him to let go.
That was the last thing I wanted.
"J-Jax?" I cried. He stroked my hair and kissed my cheek.
"What?"
"I saw him today." My final secret. That Troy was back. Jax went still for a moment. His hand stopped moving. I could feel his muscles working. They were tense.
He swallowed, and then one of his hands came to rest on my head again, and held it against his neck.
"Don't worry. I won't let him hurt you ever again."