Includes Trans!Lachlan
I just did this cause I'm feeling dysphoric as hell and I have nothing better to do with my life and need to somehow rant about how I'm feeling without kinda outing myself. Woo! Dysphoria, you. are. a. bitch. Seriously. I identify as non-binary but my outward appearance is very feminine (there isn't much of a choice) as dysphoria is very common for me because I don't look like how I identify.
Lachlan's P.O.V.
I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. Everything ached and I just wanted to remove my body and float away, like it didn't exist and I could pretend that my body wasn't my own.
I was lying on my bed, curled up into a fetal position with a pillow over my head and tears in my eyes. It was going to be a bad day, a really bad day.
As much as I wanted to keep my binder on I knew I couldn't as it hurt my chest too much and honestly, I couldn't be bothered to put it on, no matter how much it might help my dysphoria. After 4 and a half years on testosterone I still got really bad days and nothing seemed to help, at least nothing that I could do without dire consequences.
No one really knew. Simon and Vikk both knew, Vikk knew me before I started testosterone and Simon, being my boyfriend, had figured it out a long time ago when he saw my binder. But other than that, no one knew at all and I planned to keep it that way.
I flinched when the door opened, not expecting anyone to come in. I just wanted to be alone at that point and wasn't really up for any visitors.
"Lach-" I interrupted.
"No." I heard a sigh from Simon, who I knew it was.
"Lachlan I know you feel like crap but the other guys want to see you. Please?"
"Nuh-uh. I don't even want to see me." I heard a tiny oh.
"Oh god baby, I didn't know. I thought you were sick." I shook my head at first but then shrugged. I did feel a bit nauseous and didn't want to move. "Do you want to cuddle?"
I paused and then reached out my arms under my covers, not being able to see him. He crawled onto the bed and pulled me into his chest, kicking up the edge of the blanket so he could wiggle under it next to me, one hand on my back, rubbing soothing patterns up and down.
I groaned, burying my head under Simon's chin and tilting it back so I was looking up.
"Is it that bad Lachy?" Nodding, I closed my eyes. I knew that when I woke up I was still going to be dysphoric but I hoped to God that when I did, it was better than now.
Curling in on myself, I closed my eyes. I didn't want to be alive right then and I wanted to drift away, pretending that nothing mattered for now. I felt Simon move around me so I was pulled even closer, his nose in my hair on the top of my head and his hands encompassing my waist.
"Why does this always happen...???" I whined miserably, my hands curling into fists on Simon's t-shirt. He kissed the top of my forehead gently.
"I know you hate it, I know that we try to do everything about it that we can but it's going to happen and I don't think we're going to be able to stop it. There are things that can help, but God knows that'll take ages. You're still you, no matter how you view yourself."
I knew he was talking about top-surgery, which we had both mentioned in passing but nothing had ever been confirmed or denied. Legally my name was Lachlan, it was changed 5 and a bit years ago but my gender was still legally female; gender being a lot harder to change legally than your name. But we were getting there.
"You're still Lachlan, you're still my beautiful boyfriend no matter what your brain tells you or you think. Sometimes, it's gonna happen and I'm going to be there when it does." I smiled, dropping my head into his chest. He always made me feel better about myself, no matter how down I was.
"You're beautiful, you're an amazing boyfriend and an amazing person and you're so, so special to me."
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"Lachy? You awake hun?" I mumbled something in return, squirming around for a few seconds. "I'll take that as a no."
A few minutes later Simon poked me again.
"We gotta get up baby, it's almost noon."
"Don't care." My voice was slurred with sleep, my eyes still refusing to open.
I whined as Simon pulled away from me, taking half of the covers with him and falling to the floor with a thud. I heard him stand and then start to get dressed, his wardrobe opening and shutting a few times before he crawled back onto the bed.
"Are you feeling better this morning?" I sighed but in all honesty, I did feel better. I still didn't want to get up, I still felt like crap but it wasn't as bad as the disaster of yesterday.
"I guess... still feel like crap though." I felt his hand on my back, his cold fingers making me jolt and yelp.
"No! You asshole Simon!" I fell from the bed with a thud, scowling over the edge of the blankets.
"Come on, breakfast. You didn't have dinner last night and if I know you, I know that you need to eat. Now come on!" He was still grinning at me, which meant he was joking.
He pulled me to my feet, taking my hand and dragging me down the stairs, into the kitchen where I could hear the chattering of several others. Simon, his hand still in mine, looked back up at me and smiled.
"You look amazing okay, no matter what you think. You look like you." I smiled at him, squeezing his hand back. And with that we both pattered into the kitchen.
Vikk, Josh and JJ were all in the kitchen, eating a late breakfast with several empty mugs of coffee on the counter in front of them. Vikk nodded at me as we walked in, pushing a full and steaming mug towards me with his lips turned up in a smile with happy eyes.
"Good to see you up, there's bread on the bench if you want toast." I slipped into the seat beside him, desperate to avoid Josh and JJ's eyes because I knew they were staring at me.
They didn't know about me of course, only about Simon's relationship with me and they were fine with that but I couldn't tell them. I was only just becoming used to the support and I didn't want to destroy that by telling them about everything else. The only reason they didn't know was because I was passing so well, as I had been unusually tall for a girl and, thankfully, never very curvy at all.
Simon headed for the toaster and placed 4 slices in, 2 for each of us and then slid into the only remaining seat, which meant that we were separated by two seats, filled by Vikk and JJ.
There was silence for a few minutes, only broken by people quietly sipping from mugs and the tapping of Josh and JJ scrolling through their phones before the popping of the toaster startled up into moving. Simon buttered the toast and sent a plate sliding across the bench towards me, winking before sitting back in his seat.
There was silence again as we ate and eventually, after both JJ and Josh finished their coffee, they slipped from the kitchen and out of earshot. I sighed happily, as it was a lot less tense once they left.
"Did you take your T shot last night Lachy?" Vikk piped up around a mouthful of coffee and I shook my head.
"I forgot... I'll take it after breakfast. I wasn't having the greatest time last night." He nodded.
"That's okay, you have bad days." I placed my face against the table, closing my eyes for a few seconds.
"Dysphoria is a bitch."
Part 2
Lachlan's P.O.V.
"Do you really think I should tell them?" Simon, squeezing my shoulder and massaging the back of my hand gently, nodded.
"Trust me Lachlan, they won't mind. They've never known any different, it won't change anything about how they see you."
The two of us were curled up on Simon's bed, my head on his chest and Simon's hand resting on my chest, hiding it from view. I wasn't wearing my binder, I had had it on for 4 hours already that day and wanted a break before I dealt with having it on for the rest of the day.
While I was with the other Sidemen I had to have my binder on for longer than I was used to because I wasn't out to any of the others beside Vikk and Simon, and at home the only times I had to have it on was when I filmed videos or went out. Other than that I was normally free to have it off and I wasn't used to it.
Vikk, a phone in hand, was sitting cross legged on Simon's gaming chair with his head slanted to the side. He was almost half asleep, having been up for almost 24 hours by that point, having competed in a Fortnite tournament just a few hours earlier.
"How would I tell them?" I tilted my head back so I could look up at Simon, my brow furrowed. Coming out wasn't exactly an easy process and I knew I couldn't go up to them like 'yo I'm trans', it didn't work like that.
(Seriously if you've never had to come out to someone before you are soooo goddamn lucky. It's so nervewracking, like, am I going to lose a friend right now? What if they don't accept me? Cause you automatically think the worst because once you've seen the worst you can't forget it)
"However you want to. I know you're not the sit down, have a big and serious talk sort of person but I know you wouldn't want to do it through jokes... so I'm not sure."
I was thinking. I could do a video or a note. That might be the easiest way, as then I wouldn't have to face them in person and get asked questions that I didn't think about earlier. I would go over conversations in my head but once I got around to actually having the conversation, I panicked.
"I don't know if I can do it... it was bad enough coming out to you two but I can't it over again." Simon's hand continued running through my hair, comforting me as best he could.
He knew some of the struggles of coming out, having come out to a lot of people as gay himself, but he didn't know how hard it was to come out as transgender. As someone who had come out as both, I knew that people were far more likely to react badly to someone being transgender than someone being gay. I knew. And it was scary.
"You don't have to you know, it's completely your decision. I'm not trying to make you come out, I know how scary it is but I know these boys. They will accept you." I sighed.
"I know, but no matter how much you tell me that, there's still doubts." I felt his nose on the top of my head, nuzzling around in my hair.
"There's always going to be doubts Lachlan and we can't stop them." His hand was still curling around my hair and tracing patterns into my scalp. I sighed.
"I'll give it a go. It might take me a while though."
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I was panicking. I was meant to tell them tonight but I didn't think I could go through with it. All I was feeling was anxiety and Simon knew it too, as he was sitting beside me with his hand wrapped around mine and he was the only thing stopping me from completely flipping out and panicking.
I was sitting with my eyes closed, focusing on keeping my breathing even and not passing out, although I was verging on that border as my heart rate rose and fell. Simon just kept squeezing my hand, in silence as he knew that speaking wasn't going to help in any way.
Vikk was downstairs, keeping the others occupied until I felt I was ready but I didn't know if I would ever be ready, considering the state I was in.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" I shook my head miserably.
"No, this is honestly scarier than coming out to my parents." My parents had known for a long time, perhaps even before I did, and although it took some time for them to come around to the fact that their daughter wasn't their daughter anymore but eventually things worked out. They even help to pay for my testosterone shots at the start before YouTube kicked off.
Simon just squeezed my hand tighter. He knew that it would take a while for me to come around, if ever.
It was another 15 minutes before I spoke up again. I had slowly been preparing myself to go downstairs, and I was finally ready.
"I'm ready." Simon turned my head so I was looking right at him.
"And I'll be right beside you the whole time. No matter what happens, I'll always support you." I smiled to myself.
"Let's go then."
I swung my legs over the side of my bed and Simon followed closed behind me, his hand still in mine and steadying me whenever I stumbled and closed my eyes, nerves still running rife around my body. Anxiety was welling up inside me, but I knew I had to do it. There was no better time than now.
Just before we entered the living room Simon stopped me.
"I love you okay Lachy, no matter what happens next okay." I squeezed his hand.
"Thanks Si."
And with that, we both walked into the living room.
All three of them were sat on the couch, Josh and JJ both playing some shooting game while Vikk watched on from behind them. Neither of them looked up as the two of us came in but Vikk did, smiling reassuringly before pulling the controllers out of Josh's and JJ's hands.
"Oi! Vi- oh hey guys. Vikk give the controllers back!" He shook his head.
"No, we need to talk. You can have them back later." Josh sighed but turned and faced the two of us, doing a double take when he saw how tense I was.
"What-? What's happened?" Simon shook his head.
"Nothing happened, it's just we need to talk. It won't take long." He nodded, pulling some of the cushions off the couch and motioning for Simon and I to sit down next to him.
I curled into Simon's side, my head buried into his neck and my eyes purposely fixed on the ground, avoiding the others. I could hear both JJ and Josh shifting around, obviously very confused about what was happening.
"Lachlan?" Simon whispered into my ear, but all I could do was shake my head. I knew he got the message. I couldn't do it.
"Do you want me to tell them?" I paused for a second, considering my options. I could tell them, but I knew that would never happen. I could just not tell them at all but they would want to know, especially as we had gotten this far. Or Simon could tell them. In my terms, it was the best option.
I nodded.
I heard Simon take in another deep breath, before finally speaking.
"Lachlan is trans." There was a pause and I felt the air tighten around me, closing in on my throat and almost choking me. The tension was thick, like glue in the air.
It was almost a solid 10 seconds before anyone else spoke, although it felt like years for me, my breathing slowing to almost nothing. I was on the verge of tears, not knowing what the others thought and my mind automatically thought the worst was coming.
Josh spoke first.
"O-okay?" My heart broke when he stuttered and my chin hit my chest. He spoke again. "This really doesn't matter? You're still you, that's all that matters."
JJ was next.
"Dude, you're still Lachlan, this doesn't matter. I don't give a shit what you were born as, as long as you're comfortable as you. That's all that matters." Slowly I lifted my head back up, struggling to make eye contact because I was still so terrified.
"It's fine Lachlan, I told you it would be." I just closed my eyes, leaning my head into Simon's chest, exhausted. Emotions took a toll on me, especially anxiety and with panic attacks a common occurrence in my life I was often tired and emotionally drained and just wanted to sleep.
"You're done now aren't you?" I nodded, curling my feet up onto the couch and I kept my eyes closed, going lax against Simon with relief. It was okay. Everything was going to be okay.
"You can sleep if you want to Lachy, it's okay." My head just stayed buried in Simon's side, the top of my head pushed right underneath his chin and one of my hands curled around his t-shirt.
"But-" I jolted at his sudden speech. "You have to take your binder off. You know you can't sleep in it."
"Nooooo" I groaned out, shifting myself so I was buried even further into his arms. "Can't be bothered." My voice was muffled, but he could still hear me.
"I don't care if you're not bothered." He was laughing, and I could hear JJ's questioning voice in the background. "This is for your health, it's important."
I snorted. It wasn't long ago when I didn't care about my health at all and I would wear my binder for 12 hours or longer sometimes, just to ward off the discomfort and dysphoria that came along with it.
When Vikk found out about it he made it his job to check up on me every few hours, to make sure I was sleeping, eating, taking my medication and not hurting myself by wearing my binder for too long. At first it was annoying but after a while I started to look forward to his check-ins, especially as I lived alone and my friends couldn't exactly come around every day. Although Jay, Elliot and Billy tried to come around as much as they could, they still had jobs and lives of their own and couldn't keep an eye on me all the time.
And Vikk kept at it for years. He checked in on me every day no matter where in the world he was, every four or 5 hours except when he was asleep, he would text and ask how I was. It kept me alive, because I knew that someone cared for me and my health.
When I first came to England and I was introduced to Simon, it was like we clicked. He was like Vikk in so many ways, always checking up on me and making sure that I was okay and he picked up that I was different almost at once.
He saw through my body language, the way I slumped my shoulders to bunch my shirt around my chest and hide it, the way I avoided eyes contact with anyone, especially those who were taller than me, the way that I tried to make my voice deeper, despite the fact that it was already deep when I first met him.
He saw me on the days when I was the worst, down with dysphoria and depression or digging my fingers into my wrist to ground me when I was disassociating. He comforted me when I couldn't go to Vikk, and it was from there that I opened up to him and told him everything.
We got together after almost 2 years of talking online and small visits when I went to England and it went from there, officially announcing it to the rest of the Sidemen 4 months after Simon asked me to be his boyfriend.
I sighed.
"Fine..." Simon took my hand and pulled me from the couch, smiling around at the others before pulling me out into the hallway and up to his room, where I could finally sleep.
"Sleep well Lachy!" I heard Vikk yell from the living room before I was pulled out of earshot and into Simon's room. He pulled my shirt over my head and helped me struggle out of my binder, throwing it, discarded, onto the floor.
"Okay, now you can sleep." I sighed happily and threw my arms around Simon, curling into him as we both laid onto the bed with the duvet over our heads.
"Sleep tight Lachy, now you know it's okay." I smiled to myself. I spoke in a tiny voice, which I only used around Simon and maybe Vikk because I trusted them so much.
"I will."