Shawn
I called out to Joanna as she walked through the door. It didn't keep her from leaving, though. I even jumped up and ran to stop her, but before my hand hit the handle, I stopped myself. I really needed to think things through before we talked. I'd messed up badly and god knows I could end up making things worse if I said something stupid.
After making myself a cup of coffee, I called my mom.
"Hey, it's me," I said.
"Are you and Joanna on your way?"
"Actually, no. Something's happened and she's not coming. I'm going to leave in a little while."
"Shawn, what's wrong?" my mom asked, the worry evident in her voice.
Fuck. I really hated having to tell her.
"She called off the wedding. I'll tell you all about it when I get there. I don't want the kids to know, though. Okay?"
My mom was quiet for a second. "Maybe you shouldn't come today."
"What do you mean?"
"Stay there and fight for her. Whatever happened is probably repairable. You have to try," she said.
"I don't know. I'm not sure what I can do or say to make things better while her emotions are so high. I think we both need a little time apart to think. I know I have some thinking to do. Plus, Sunday is Easter. I have to be there in the morning for Grace and Nolan. I have their Easter baskets."
"Okay. It's your call. I'll see you when you get here and we'll talk. Drive safely," she said.
I finished my coffee and ate a granola bar. I grabbed the plastic crate with the kids' Easter stuff and went down to my car.
The entire drive, I thought about what Joanna had said. I was mortified when she'd told me I said Mallory's name in my sleep. I had no idea. That had to hurt her, even if she knew it was unintentional. It looked like Mallory was who I wanted sexually, given when I said her name. Truthfully, though, Joanna was who I wanted when I had those kind of thoughts awake. Why was my subconscious betraying me?
Joanna felt like she was a substitute. She felt secondary to Mallory. Had I been giving her signals to indicate I felt that way? Was I that much of an asshole? Apparently I was if she felt that way. I hated myself for that.
I knew I'd given Brooke that message, and I still regretted treating her that way. But Joanna? I loved her. Maybe I did sometimes see her as a replacement. One reason I loved her so much was that she'd fulfill my children's need for a mother figure. Isn't that what a replacement does? Fuck. Had I made this that obvious? Was I wrong to want her to be a part of their lives because they needed a mom? It wasn't the only reason I wanted to marry her, though. It wasn't even the main reason. I wanted to marry her because I loved her. Jesus, I loved her so goddamned much. Had I not made that clear?
These questions ran through my brain, but I had no answers. I'd been avoiding asking myself the big question since I'd fallen for Jo. It was time, though. For the last hour of the drive, I finally let myself be honest about that question.
And I finally gave myself an answer.
I got to the house and found out that my mom had done me the favor of fibbing to my kids so that I wouldn't have to. She told them that Joanna was spending Easter with her family. This was probably true; I assumed she'd go to her parents' house tomorrow.
We spent the afternoon coloring Easter eggs. Aaliyah and Alec were there to add to the fun time. I did a surprisingly good job of acting like my heart wasn't breaking.
When Joanna ended things, I didn't let myself fall apart. Maybe it was nuts, but I felt that if I didn't act like things were over, then maybe there was still hope. I was definitely going to fight for her. If that didn't work, then I'd let my emotions out. Yes, I knew this was obviously a form of denial.
My dad and I cooked dinner, which was some traditional Portuguese food. I'd told him I wanted to learn some of the recipes of his culture, so this was a start. Joanna was supposed to be learning with me, since we always cooked together. I missed having her next to me in the kitchen. I missed her voice. I missed the way we'd look at each other when we were with family. We could say everything we wanted to with one look. And yet, I hadn't said verbally what I needed to when she'd asked. I'd been such an idiot.
After dinner, we sat at the dining room table and played board games until the kids got sleepy.
"I hope the Easter Bunny remembers that I like white chocolate," Grace said as we walked up the stairs for the bedtime routine.
"And that I like regular chocolate!" Nolan chimed in.
"That bunny is pretty smart. I'm sure you'll get treats you like," I said.
"Will Joanna come on Monday?" Nolan asked once we got to his room.
"I'm not sure, buddy."
"She promised me she'd teach me how to do a headstand against the wall this week," Grace said, "so I know she'll come."
A terrible feeling of dread took over me. My kids would be crushed if Joanna and I really did break up. They loved her so much and couldn't wait for her to live with us. They talked about it all the time. If we broke up, this was another huge loss for them. They'd be in as much pain as I would.
After the kiddos were tucked in and sung and read to, I went downstairs. My dad had lit the fire pit, so I joined everyone outside after grabbing a glass of red wine.
"So what happened?" my mom asked.
I told them everything, which wasn't easy to do. I didn't give the exact circumstance of when I'd called Joanna Mallory's name, though. I just said it was in my sleep.
When I was done, my sister spoke first.
"Is she wrong, Shawn? Is she always going to come in second to Mallory? Because if that's the case, then I understand where she's coming from. Maybe you're not ready to remarry. Maybe Joanna is right to get out now."
"I'm always going to love Mallory-" I started.
"Stop!" my mom said loudly, cutting me off. "I've heard you say those words a million times. We all know it's true. But for god's sake, this is why Joanna ended your engagement! Could you maybe think of her feelings for a second?"
"If you'd let me finish," I said, "I was going to say that the love I have for Joanna now is stronger than my love for Mallory. Jo is here and with me, making me happy every day of my life. Mallory is gone. So even though I'll always love Mal, it's not the same love. Loving someone who is actually part of your life, and who can love you back, is real love."
"So Joanna was wrong? Why didn't you tell her?" my mom asked, clearly frustrated with me.
"I hadn't admitted it to myself. I've been afraid to. Plus, I need to do something first."
~~~~~~
Easter morning was wonderful. It was warm enough that we could hold the egg hunt outside. I'd told Gracie to make sure she let Nolan find eggs, too. It turned out he was better at it. I had to whisper to him to hold back so that his big sister could find her share.
Both children were thrilled with their big baskets full of candy. The Easter Bunny got all the favorite treats correct, which was somewhat miraculous given how particular each child's tastes were.
Aaliyah and Alec cooked breakfast. After we'd eaten, my dad took Grace and Nolan outside to play on the big wooden swing-set.
"I'm going to run out," I told my mom, who was sitting alone in the family room reading a book. "I might be gone awhile."
"You okay?" she asked.
"I hope to be soon," I said.
I went out to my car and noticed that Aaliyah and Alec's car was gone. Had they gone back to Ottawa without saying goodbye? That seemed unlikely, but the morning had been pretty crazy. They might have said they were leaving, and I'd missed it.
I drove a different route than I usually took. I ended up at the garden cemetery where Mallory's ashes were buried. I found her marker and sat in front of it on the fresh spring grass, placing the Easter tulips that I'd bought from a roadside stand to the side of the simple stone.
"Mallory, it's been a while," I said.
We hadn't visited her in over six months.
"I know this is more for me than for you, because you're gone, but I need to tell you something."
I took a deep breath. "I'm in love and I'm going to get married. At least I hope I am. I fucked up, which probably wouldn't surprise you. I did that once or twice in our relationship, eh?"
Reaching out to the stone, I ran a finger over her name. Mallory Mendes.
"So if I can make things right, I'm going to marry Joanna. You'd love her, Mal. You really would. She's incredible. Jo's a kindergarten teacher and she adores our children. They love her, too. She's already family. She's smart and beautiful and so kind." I choked back my tears. "And she makes me so happy. I went a long time not being completely happy. There was this huge hole inside me after you died. She filled that hole. She made me a complete person again."
I wiped the tears off my face with the sleeve of my shirt.
"I need to let go of you now. I need to be able to give Joanna the love she deserves. I can't do that if I keep clinging to what we had. I know you understood this before you died. You tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen then. I'm listening now. I'll always love you, but you're gone and Joanna is here. I'm letting go of you so that I can give Joanna all of my heart."
I stood up but didn't leave. I stared at the marker a few more minutes. "Thank you, Mallory Mendes, for everything you gave me. And thank you for setting me free now."
And then I walked away.