Alas, her feelings have finally caught up wit her.
Before they were running behind her, stepping on her heels, grabbing her by her shirt tail, pulling on the ends of her hair—they were irritating and present, but now they have captivated her. She's caught in their net—their frisky little webbing that is nearly impossible to detract herself from. She was once free as a bird, and now, here she is, the senseless fly stuck in the web.
Somewhere along the line, she had learned to admire Toby Cavanaugh. His annoying, irritating, aspects have somehow developed into something positive. Like, for example, his undying persistence at the whole law school thing. He's pretty unpractical, sure, but also widely ambitious and caring. He has been the only person to ever push her towards her dreams. Caleb thought being a lawyer was her dream, not that she blamed him. Aria was too wrapped up in her own dreams to take notice, and Hanna was too unfocused to really see her dread of law.
Except that wasn't the only thing. If that was the only thing, she wouldn't feel anything. No, it was everything else combined—the things she understood, and the things she did not. It was him, simply. It was just he in himself, and there was no way of pin pointing it. It was just him. He was annoying sometimes, and too serious in some ways; occasionally judgmental, but even in those instances, she liked him. And it wasn't how she liked Caleb, or anyone for that matter, it was all messy and intense, and nonsensical, but meaningful at the same time. It made no sense.
And maybe she felt this all before, too. Maybe if she had let herself think about it, she would have pondered upon these thoughts ages ago. But she is just now ready to accept them. But accepting them is completely different than voicing them aloud.
Maybe it is more than acceptance, maybe it is about that four letter word that is widely overused by teenagers and pop culture movies—that word that she has always been afraid to use because of its power; its definition; its meaning. Everything about it is just so fragile. L-o-v-e is fragile. It's easily broken. It's like a new born baby—to be handled with care. It is necessary to be gentle with it, or it will break. It will break, and you're heart will break with it. Love is a fragile, flimsy thing, just waiting to be broken—waiting to fall apart. That's why Spencer stays away from it. She isn't gentle enough to handle the emotion. Her edges are sharp, her hands are shaky—she always ends up screwing up in relationships.
But love isn't something you can control. It just happens. It roots up from yourself, and once that happens, it's your job to nurture it. Sometimes people let it wilt—they ignore it until it falls apart, making themselves a little less whole—taking life from their soul.
She isn't sure why this feeling has rooted up from her. They've had sex before? Why did this one bring forth an epiphany?
She had ended up persuading him into coming back with her, and from there, everything just got really slow. Not slow in a sluggish way, but more of a sensual way. It was graceful, somewhat. Unlike all the other times, which were much more rushed and messy. It seemed perfect, almost. And then he ended up falling asleep beside her.
It wasn't the first time, but like all the other times, it wasn't on purpose. He was just lying there, about to leave when his eyes shut. Spencer didn't have the heart to wake him up.
She hasn't been sleeping well the last couple weeks. Ever since her father's passing she has been suffering a wide load of insomnia. She's exhausted, but her mind is too strung up on the world to rest.
Most nights she just lies awake, thinking of the reasons on why her father would sign the DNR papers. Or she thinks about law school. It is kind of morbid, but since her father's passing, she has felt almost free. Like, she could do whatever she wanted to do because her father would not be there to condemn it. Sure, there's her mother. But her mother has always somewhat been more understanding of these types of things. Maybe she could do something other than law. People change their majors all the time, right?
Those thoughts only come up in her most deepest exhaust. It is such a far off dream. She has already put so much into her law degree, she can't quit now. She isn't a quitter.
Well, except in the fields of relationships. She usually quits those, but only because she knows the end is coming, and she does not want to wait around to be told, "it's not you, it's me," or "I just need to focus on me right now." She refuses to stand for the bull shit.
Why would being with Toby be any different than any other guy?
She has so many issues that are in need of solving. Her relationships with people always end in turmoil. She needs to get herself together before engaging in a relationship, but her heart doesn't quite grasp that.
She'll just have to end it with him. The sex, that is. It just isn't going to work out. If she keeps doing this, her feelings will only continue to grow. She needs to put them out—extinguish the fire between them.
...
She doesn't recall falling asleep, but she guesses somewhere between her thoughts of Toby and her father (weird combination) her mind finally placated.
Toby isn't beside her anymore, which isn't shocking. It's what they do. It would be weird if he was still here.
But he did leave a note, which all in itself is peculiar. They never leave notes. They both understand the meanings of what this is.
She scoops it off the pillow, and rubs the tired from her eyes before reading.
Sorry I fell asleep.
- T
She crinkles the note in her hands, eyeing it strangely. Weird.
She throws it down, and groans. This is the last time he'll ever fall asleep at her apartment.
She finds her phone and opens up the group chat from Hanna.
It's Hanna's bachelorette party tonight. They are supposed to get pedicures and manicures done before going shopping at the local mall for their outfits for the night, then head to this hotel out in New York, which is about two hours away. Hanna is getting a male stripper, and also a female one because she wants Emily to have fun (and Hanna has always been a little bi-curious, anyways.) And Caleb is okay with this all because he is going to the strip club.
A pang of irrational jealousy hits her at the thought. Toby is going to be there, obviously.
Caleb told her all about it (even though she didn't ask.) They were going to get stoned first. Spencer recalls Toby and Caleb getting high a couple times throughout high school, but Spencer thought Caleb had left his stoner days behind.
Noel probably offered it to him. Noel is an old friend of Caleb—of everyone, really. He went out with Aria back in high school. He was always the provider in high school, and she doesn't doubt things have changed. Noel probably would have been part of the wedding if he didn't live in New York. But fear not, he is coming back for the bachelor party, and wedding. Spencer actually doesn't doubt that Noel was the one to suggest the strip club. He's always been a partier.
She wishes Hanna and Caleb were a little less carefree. Then she wouldn't have to deal with this jealousy that growls inside her.
It doesn't matter. She is ending this. Right now. She is ending this right now.
It isn't inhumane to do it over the phone, right? They weren't actually dating. It was just sex. It will be less formal this way. It won't be as awkward. It will be casual. Casual's good. It's probably better to do it right now, before tonight that is. Now, Toby can do whatever he pleases and not feel guilty, or feeling like he can't do anything in order to be loyal. Or maybe those thoughts never crossed his mind...
She waits for him to pick up, getting a nervous, anxious, feeling in her chest.
"Hey," he picks up.
"Hey."
"What's up? Sorry I fell asleep last night...I was exhausted."
"No, that's totally fine," she assures him. The line is quiet for a moment. "Are you excited for tonight?" she asks. She doesn't know why she asked it. Maybe she is just trying to prolong this moment of closure.
"Um, I don't know. I guess," he sounds unenthused. "I kind of feel like I'm just going to be baby sitting Caleb, ya know? He's probably going to way too far."
"Yeah, Hanna probably will too..." she sighs. She hadn't even really thought about it. Emily will probably take care of it though. Emily is Hanna's true BFF. The only reason Hanna chose Spencer as her Maid of Honor was because she was good at stuff like this, and Emily wasn't too girly. Hanna needed someone to goggle over shoes with, and someone who knew the difference between orchid and violet. Besides, they probably won't give her the job of babysitter. They are still treating her like she will break any minute.
"At least she won't be stoned and drunk off his ass."
She laughs. "Yeah, at least."
"It should be an interesting night, to say the least."
"I'm sure it will be," Spencer comments, still trying to void the reason of calling. "Tell Noel I said hi."
"Sure will," he provides.
Silence again.
"So, there's actually a reason I called."
"And here I just thought you wanted to hear my voice," he teases.
Her laugh is faint and a tad nervous. "Not quite..." she delivers in a small voice. She takes in a breath of air. This shouldn't be so hard, but it is. And it feels wrong to do over the phone. Like, it actually wasn't just sex. "I just... I can't do this thing with us anymore," she gets out, anxiously. She feels a need to explain herself, so she goes further, "I'm just—it's distracting me from what's important, and I just—I feel like we are friends now. And it's weird having sex with friends. Like, it would be like having sex with Aria or something." It still doesn't seem right. In fact, it seems worse.
"Oh," he finally says, obviously dumbfounded. "I see."
"Yeah..." she mumbles. "I didn't know if should have done this over the phone or not," she admits. "I just didn't want to make it some big thing, you know?"
"Yeah, no, I get it."
"You do?" she sighs in relief.
"Yeah, of course."
"Okay, great," she returns.
"I'll see you...whenever then?" he responds.
"Yeah...whenever," she smacks her lips together.
For some reason she expected him to sound more upset. He sounded so okay with it. As if it meant nothing. Like, it was just whatever. But why was she expecting him to be upset? Just because she has feelings for him, doesn't mean he has feelings for her. It was just sex. Plain ol' sex.
For some reason it makes her angry. She knows it's irrational, but she just can't help it. How can he just be so laid back about it? Even if it was just sex for him, it was damn good sex. Something that is worthy of grieving over.
Maybe she rushed it. Maybe she just should have waited. At least till she was dressed and caffeinated.
Oh, well. The deed was done. It didn't matter anymore.
Today was about Hanna. Not Toby. In twelve hours she'll be drunk and unable to recall his name (hopefully.)
. . .