After staring at my laptop for approximately the tenth time I decided it was time to call my Mother. She had been trying to call me but I kept ignoring her calls. I didn't want to talk to her until I was ready just in case I ended up saying something I didn't mean in the heat of the moment.
She didn't pick up the first time and in all honesty I was hoping she wouldn't pick up the second time either because I didn't think I was ready to know the truth, but life had it's own plans.
"Hey sweetheart"
"Hey Mom"
Her eyes looked red and it seemed like she hadn't gotten enough sleep. Her hair was messily tied up and she looked kind of tired
"Did you get enough sleep?"
"How could I sleep when my baby is upset with me"
"I'm not upset" I said feeling guilty
She shook her head "That's not how you sounded the last time we talked"
"I know. I'm sorry I yelled at you... I was just..." I sighed "For luck of a better term upset but now I want to know what happened"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm not actually. I mean who wants to find out that the Father they love so much wasn't a saint but it's for the best"
"Ok" she took a deep breath and when she spoke again her voice was full of emotion "Your Father and I were very young when we had you. I was still in highschool when I got pregnant but you already knew that"
Yes I did. It was one of the reason's my Mother always kept a tight leash on me when it came to dating. She never approved of my dates and by all means put the fear of God into me just in case the thought of having sex ever crossed my mind
"So honey, I heard you're going on a date today"
"How did you know?" I asked feeling shocked
"Margaret told me honey. She overheard you and Hannah talking on the phone" She placed the bowl of pasta with some burnt tomatoes in it infront of me "So why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't think it was a big deal" I said twirling my pasta with my fork
"Ofcourse it is honey" she smiled "Do you have any plans of having sex with him"
"Mom" I squealed "This is why I didn't tell you and one of the reasons why I don't bother dating"
"I'm just looking out for you baby" she paused "So do you?"
"No Mom, it's our first date"
"Do you plan on doing it on the second?"
"No Mom" I sighed in frustration "I don't"
"Good because the last thing you need is to get pregnant amd have to drop out of school to take care of a child that neither of you are ready for"
"There's protection Mom"
"That's the exact same thing we thought honey and look what I have sixteen years later. We were lucky both our parents were willing to help us raise you... you my baby have a Mother who has no intention of raising any grandchildren just yet"
I remember that moment and many more like it was just yesterday.
"Your grand parents helped us take care of you when we went to college. Our parents wanted us married before we went to college so we got married shortly after which was a little weird because we were both very young. Boys always found it weird when they asked me out and I told them I was married" she laughed "Anyways your dad and I moved in together once we finished college, that's when you came to live with the both of us"
I vaguely remembered being happy when my grandparents told me that I was going to live with my parents since I only got to see them during holidays.
"Everything was going good for a while until I felt like I wanted to have another child. Your Father wasn't for the idea saying we had enough on our plate which didn't make sense to me since everything was going great. It wasn't until later that I found out that he" she choked "I'm sorry"
"It's ok"
She cleared her throat "I found out that he had a child with someone else. I confronted him about it and he told me that he met someone in college and she got pregnant. He told me that he loved her. I was heartbroken because I loved him and I thought that he was going to leave me for her but he never did. I had hope that since he didn't then we would be ok but then he had all these trips that didn't make sense to me. I found out that he had been going to see her and he defended himself saying that he couldn't abandon his other child so I let the issue go"
My Mothers eyes were now red with unshed tears, tears that she didn't let fall so that I wouldn't see just how much my Father had hurt her. Hell I could feel myself on the brink but I knew that if I started crying then she would so I held them back
"It wasn't until later that his behaviour around me changed. We started having arguments and one night we had a heated one and he told me that he wanted a divorce. I told him that I wanted us to go to counselling but he refused saying that it wouldn't change a thing. He told me that Charlotte... the woman you met yesterday was pregnant with their second child"
This time she failed to hold back the tears. She kept apologising for crying but I couldn't say anything for fear of crying and making everything worse. She had nothing to be sorry for, my Father on the other hand had a lot. He refused to give my Mother a child but he went ahead and made another woman pregnant... twice
"I'm sorry" she sniffed wiping her tears
"It's ok Mom"
"I got mad and the argument got worse. He told me that he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me but that he was leaving me for her" she sighed "He left the house while I remained crying on the floor. I waited for him to come back home so that we could talk but... I got a call saying that he was involved in an accident. He was on his way home from a bar but he had a little too much to drink. He died at the hospital"
We stayed silent for a while and at this point I let the tears freely fall. I felt hurt by my father's actions. Growing up I thought he was the perfect man but now I realised that he had so many flaws. My Father's life wasn't as happy as I thought it was. There was so much sadness behind those eyes. My Mother loved him but he loved someone else
"Don't cry my baby"
"How can I not Mom? I just found out that the Father wasn't happy living with us and that he loved someone else"
"He loved you sweetheart"
"Apparently not enough for him to stay. I mean he started a life with someone else mom and he was going to leave us. What did he plan to do then? Have me go over and visit during the holidays? Or better yet I would end up growing up without him while he lived happily with his new wife and kids. I guess it wouldn't have made a difference if he lived or died, the outcome would have been the same."
"Don't you dare dishonour your Father" she said angrily
"I'm not dishonouring him. I'm just saying that I would have grown up without a Father either way"
"You should be thanking your lucky stars that we're not in the same room right now or I would hit you so hard you would come back to your senses. We may have had our problems but your Father loved you and he would have done whatever it took to be a part of your life"
I sniffed and wiped the tears on my face. I knew she was right but it didn't lessen the hurt I felt. Charlotte seemed like a decent woman, I just couldn't fathom how she could do something like this. Didn't she know that he was married?
"Did Charlotte know that he was married?"
She nodded "I've never really spoke to her. She came for the funeral and she tried to talk to me but I wouldn't hear it, all I could see was the woman that came between your Father and I. After a while I came to terms with the fact that we had an unplanned pregnancy at a very young age and got married because of it, sometimes I don't blame him for falling in love with someone else. I'm not saying it was right for him to cheat but I don't blame him too much for it. I've somehow come to terms with it. You should get to know your sisters"
"You would be ok with that?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" she smiled
"I wish things had happened differently for you guys, then maybe you wouldn't have had to end up in a marriage at such a young age"
She frowned "I don't want you to ever think that he loved you any less. Every memory you made together was real and all his actions towards you were honest. He may have made mistakes, hell we both made mistakes but you were never and will never be one of them. I love you my baby"
"I love you too Mummy"
"Talk to you later?"
"Definitely"
"Yeah because Stephen will probably come up to check on me anytime now"
We both laughed "Greet him for me"
"I will" she blew me a kiss and the screen went black leaving me with my thoughts.
Everything just felt disoriented and wrong. I needed someone to talk to and since I was supposedly mad at Kevin, I didn't want to talk to him.
I decided to talk to Hannah. I wasn't sure if she was home but that was confirmed as soon as I checked her room. I decided to call her so that we could meet up somewhere and have a muffin or something.
Her phone rang a couple of times before she picked up
"Hey babe"
"Hey"
I could hear Richards muffled voice in the background. If anything he sounded like he was complaining about the interruption
"Are you busy" I asked even though it did sound like she had been before I called
"Yes" Richard yelled from the other end
"Shut it Richard" Hannah scolded him "Ignore him babe. So what's up?"
"You never bother her when she is with Kevin" Richard commented not loudly but just enough for me to hear
"Richard!" Hannah exclaimed
"What, it's true" he mumbled something before he yelled "Cock blocker"
On a normal day I would have probably returned his comment with one of my own but as today would have it I found myself not in the mood. With everything going on at the moment I did not feel like exchanging words with him
"You know what asshole, the term only applies when you actually have one and actually know how to use it"
"The fuck-"
I cut the call before he could finish his sentence. I knew he didn't mean anything by it but I would make it up to him later
The phone started to ring again but I didn't pick up, not if it would involve Richard bitching about what I said to him.
I lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. I did not feel like being in doors alone and hanging out with my friends was definitely out. After thinking about what the best way forward would be Drake popped into my mind. Before I could think anything of it I called him
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Until next time... 😚😙😘 mwaah
❤livi