Not gonna lie, I made myself cry while writing this chapter..
Kellin's POV:
Ever since the day I got here and first could buy a few things from the store in here, I've had the low quality calender hanging on the wall next to my nighstand table.
It's literally just a paper with the months on it for the year and each day I have made a big cross across the square for the day that has just passed. And today I'm making another cross that let's me know I've been here for three months by now, having exactly one year left today.
I put down the pen on my table again, laying down in my bed where Vic already is lying. I can honestly not remember the last time we actually slept in our own seperate beds at night. We literally shift between mine and Vic's.
First sleeping in mine for a few nights together and then in Vic's so that we won't have to go throw our sheets in the laundry quite as often. I'm the kind of person who will think about the environment despite being locked up in prison.
Vic wraps his arm around me, pulling me into his embrace as he spoons me from behind. I feel his breathing at the back of my neck as we both lay there, still awake but without saying a word to each other.
"Only a year left for you here princess.." he mumbles against my neck, his voice giving away the fact that he has mixed feelings about it.
"Only was an interesting word to use. It feels like it's forever," I say.
"For you, one year in here is forever. For me, not any longer. Which right now is a bad thing since it feels like I'm going to lose you soon."
Turning around in Vic's embrace I face him, looking up at him through my eyelashes. I peck his chin as that is all I can reach right now before speaking up.
"I understand what you mean, but you won't actually lose me. Yes, I will leave this place and we won't be here together and see each other every day. But you'll still have me, I promise."
I shuffle up in bed so that I can reach up to peck Vic's lips this time instead of only the chin, feeling him smile into the kiss before I pull away giggling as Vic had started to teasingly nibble on my lip, making it tickle.
"In that case, it is obviously also a positive thing that one year in here isn't that long. Since when you leave, I'll have a year and nine months left. But maybe somehow, it won't be too unbearble."
"I'll come visit you every single week.." I whisper to my boyfriend.
"You don't have to princess. You don't have to let your whole life revolve around me when you're out in the freedom. Of course I want you to visit, but don't feel pressured to be here every single visitation hour, never making any other plans for a Sunday."
"Okay.. I won't. But I will be here often. As often as I possibly can without holding myself back from living life. Although enjoying the freedom to the fulles isn't something I will do right away. I'll wait for the absolute best freedom until you're out of here too."
"Sounds like a good plan princess.." Vic's silent for a moment, looking deep in thought for a while.
"What will you do when you leave, while waiting for the day that I get to leave too?"
"Honestly, I'll just want to go back to living just like I did before. I want to live fully normal and go back to enjoying everyday life. Waking up later during the weekends, have contact with my friends that I met in college before dropping out, going to work and all those things."
I see how Vic makes a bit of a face as I say this, making me just about to question him before he beats me to talking and starts to do so before me.
"I just realized something. I've known you for over three months now, and I know that you never finished college. But what I've never heard, is what you work with. What do you do for a living Kellin Quinn Bostwick?"
"Have I actually never told you? I work as a model."
Vic's eyes widen and I see a bit of mischievousness come out as he smirks at me. "Are you serious? Did it actually take over two months before I find out that my boyfriend is a fucking model."
"I guess so.."
"That is so hot.. what kind of pictures do you do?" Vic asks, his eyes trailing over my body, once again looking mischievous.
"Well, not the kind of picutres that I'm pretty sure you're thinking about. I do always wear clothes."
"But.. a lot of clothes? Never like underwear?" Vic asks, looking all hopeful.
"Okay yes, underwear happens quite often. But it's cute photos, not any yucky ones okay?" I pout.
"Yucky.." Vic mumbles, mimicking what I said before just chuckling at me and kissing my forehead.
"Just when I thought you could not get hotter and more amazing, you tell me that you're a freaking model.." he mutters which I just giggle at before burying my face in his chest, muttering a goodnight and soon fall asleep in my boyfriend's arms.
*
Vic's POV:
My sleep this night wasn't that good, because of two major reasons. One was the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about how it is now less than a year that I'll have Kellin by my side in here. After that it will be so much more lonely to be here.
Although I try not to be bothered by that, knowing he will come and visit and since I've already made it for seven years in here, I can make it for another almost two and then getting out to see Kellin again.
But the thing that is bothering me even more, is this date. Because today does not only mark when it's under a year left for my boyfriend in prison. It also marks the eight year anniversary of when my crime was commited. Eight years ago since I lost my daughter and my Olivia.
The saying that time heals all wounds, doesn't really apply to my life what it feels like so far. And if time actually will heal all wounds, I'm gonna need a lot more time than eight years.
Every year on this day, I've been beating myself up for what happened. I've had nightmares each year, seeing Olivia's dead body in front of me. And this year wasn't any different. I've seen the image in front of me during the whole night and it has kept me up for probably an hour now, and the clock can't be more than five in the morning.
Kellin is still peacefully asleep in bed, which I'm thankful for. Having him so close to me, hugging me in his sleep is what's keeping me from going insane right now.
*
I've spent the whole day trying not to think about Olivia and Viola. Not with much success. Telling myself that they're gone and no matter how much I miss them, I can't bring them back to me. I try telling myself they're in a better place, but I know that's all just bullshit.
Despite the situation maybe not being ideal, Olivia was thrilled about us having a baby together. She looked so much forward towards raising a daughter, even if it was with her best friend and not a partner.
And since she was so happy about it, I was happy about it too. Even though the thought of raising a child scared me a hell lot more than being in an illegal gang and dealing drugs, it was something I wanted.
Knowing my daughter never even had a chance to see this world, and saying she's in a better place; I just can't bring myself to it. I know that I'd be lying to myself about it, as Viola deserved everything she never got.
And Olivia.. she made the mistake of choosing me to hook up with. Despite choosing a failure like myself, she was happy with me. We were happy together. She never deserved to lose the child she had carried for months, and she never deserved to die. Especially not because of me.
"Babe?" I jump at Kellin's voice as I hadn't noticed him coming into the room.
I hastily cover up the paper in front of me, pushing the pen to the side and accidently making it fall to the floor instead. I fold the paper in half as Kellin looks at me suspiciously. I had been alone in our room for maybe half an hour while Kellin had went to take a shower.
While being stuck with my own thoughts, and no boyfriend to distract me, the thoughts had become too much. Since I felt the need to get rid of some thoughts somehow, or at least be somewhat in control over them, I had to write some things down for myself, which Kellin just caught me doing.
"Babe, are you okay? You've been acting kind of strange today," he points out as he comes further into the room, sitting down next to me on the bed, resting his small hand on top of mine.
For a moment we just sit in silence as I say nothing while Kellin patiently waits for me to speak.
"It's this date.. Today is exactly eight years ago since I committed my crime and got locked up in here. Therefore it is also exactly eight years ago since I lost Olivia, and over eight years since I lost my daughter."
I see how Kellin's eyes fill with pain for me as I let him know this. He bites his bottom lip, not saying a word so far. Gently he takes the paper from my hand, putting it down on the floor next to us, making me glad how respectful he is of my privacy.
Kellin holds my hand tightly at first, before pulling me into a hug that gives me more warmth than I think I've felt in years. He holds me close and as soon as he does I pull him in even closer, hugging him as tight as I can without hurting my boyfriend, breathing in his scent.
I shut my eyes tight in order to stop myself from crying, not wanting to do so now. Nothing wrong with crying, I know. But as soon as I get started, I just can't bring myself to stop.
Silence and comfort is really what I need right now, and I'm lucky enough to have my boyfriend to provide me exactly those things. Not for a moment does Kellin let go of the hug or hug me less tightly.
Eventually, he let's me pull away from the hug first, though I still keep him close to me. Our eyes meet for a moment and I press my lips against Kellin's. They practically tremble against his as I'm still having a difficult time controlling the urge to cry.
Pulling away from the kiss I sit back against the wall, letting out a sigh as I pull Kellin to sit in between my legs, resting his back to my chest. He trails his finger over my arm, from time to time pulling at some hairs.
"I was writing to Olivia.." I suddenly confess.
"What?"
"When you walked in and I freaked out over hiding the paper, I was writing to Olivia, telling her things in that letter that I never had the chance to tell her when she was still alive. You can read it if you'd like."
"Are you sure?" he questions, turning his head to me.
"Yeah, you can read it. I trust you with that."
Kellin gives me a sad smile, giving me a soft kiss to the cheek before reaching for the letter, sitting down between my legs again. He carefully unfolds the paper, starting to read the letter while I reread my own words from over his shoulder.
Dear Olivia
I wish I could have told you this sooner, everything I'm about to let you know in this letter. It's something I should have said a long time ago. When you were alive, I never told you enough times how much I love you.
I'm not in love with you, and I'm sorry but I never was. But I did love you and still do. You truly were my best friend, and I was thrilled about raising Viola with you.
I'm sorry for what happened to our daughter, as I believe it hurt you even more than it hurt me. It's been eight years and there still isn't a day where I don't thinkg about you two, and how much I miss you.
She was my daughter too, but you carried her for nine months, and I don't think I ever told you how grateful I am for you carrying her. For putting yourself through that for her, for yourself, and even for me.
I still cry when I get too reminded of you, and of what happened of you. And even though you've come to me in my dreams and told me otherwise, I will always feel that it's my fault you passed away so young. I'll always take the blame for that.
So I'm sorry, that your life ended so soon, and that I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't come to that basement just thirty minutes earlier. I'm so sorry that I got you pregnant by mistake, that you had to carry our daughter only to later lose her.
I'm sorry for being behind your death, that you never got to do all the things in life that I know you wanted to. And even though I'm sure it's what you would have wanted, I am sorry for moving on.
I'm scared that I'll forget about you. That one day I won't be able to clearly see your face in front of me. That one day I'll forget the feeling of when Viola was only a minute old, and gripped onto my finger so tight that I couldn't get her to let go of it. I'm the absolute most sorry that I have to admit that I need to move on from you, if I'm ever going to stop hurting.
I will never forget you fully, as you and Viola remains some of the most important people in my life. I will never stop thinking of you. But I will pay focus to other's. I will pay focus to my boyfriend and to my family.
But I promise you, that I'll do everything I can to avoid seeing people get hurt the way you did. The way Viola did. I swear to take every chance I get after leaving this place to become a better man and do every single thing I can do on my own to make this world a little less horrible place.
I still love you, and I know you would have made an amazing mother. Promise me that you're watching over our daughter. Because wherever you two may be right now, I'm convinced you're there together.
Love, Victor, as you were always so stubborn about calling me.