"Hello, Amma. How are you and Appa?" I asked my mom.
When they called me in the early parts of Saturday, I was shocked to say the least.
After a little over three months of not speaking to them, it was strange to hear their voices again. I tried calling them several times during the three months but their numbers were always unreachable. It's sad when you feel like your own parents are avoiding you.
I thought I would've missed them but as soon as the call continued I realised why I didn't ever enjoy their calls.
"We're fine, Senthuri. How are you?"
"I'm fine," I said a little dim hoping my mother noticed the sadness in my voice. Hoping she cared enough to ask me if I was really okay.
She didn't.
Apparently she couldn't sense anything.
"Are you keeping up your grades?"
"Yes."
"Any grade below ninety percent?"
"Only English, Amma. It's 79 percent. But it's Mrs Park's fault. She hates me and always marks down my essays."
"No excuses, Senthuri. Don't blame others for what you lack. Your father wants to speak to you. Wait a moment."
"Senthuri."
"Yes, Appa," I answered knowing I was in for a lecture from my other parent.
"Next year you'll be applying to universities and you'll only be accepted if you're the best. You're not the best so you have to work harder."
"I... I know."
"The next time we call, your grades better be up to par. Look at your sister, she never had a grade below 98. Now she's one of the best advocates in Japan. And your brother would've been one of the best surgeons. You need to stop slacking and take your studies seriously."
"I know," I sighed.
"Good. I don't know when we're coming back home but we'll keep in touch."
Yeah right.
"Okay, Appa. You and Amma, take care. I love you."
"Okay. Bye."
The call ended and relief was all I felt.
Any conversation between my parents and I always ended in my feelings being hurt. Today was no exception. I've been compared to my siblings my whole life and the fact that, to my parents, I was nothing against my siblings caused a resentment in my heart for my brother and sister. I hated myself for feeling that way because I loved my brother and sister. A lot. And it's not like they told my parents to behave like that.
I sighed as I went to the kitchen. I pretended that the call didn't happen as I cooked.
I left the rice to cook when I heard the doorbell ring.
I wondered who it could be. I wasn't expecting any visitors. My parents weren't coming back yet and nobody else knew where I lived. The neighbours kept to themselves.
Maybe Amma and Appa wanted to surprise you... pfft, who am I kidding?
I walked to the front of the house and opened the door.
"Amm- Jungkook," I said in surprise.
I tried to close the door in his face but he put his foot in between, preventing me from doing so.
I took in a deep breath before bracing myself to face him. I opened the door fully.
"What do you want?" I tried to sound as rude as possible but my voice came out soft almost broken.
"You." He replied softly
I looked at him shocked before he corrected himself.
"I mean your time."
"Why?"
"To speak. To explain. To see you."
"Why would you want to explain anything to me? I mean it's not like we're friends or ever will be friends. You really shouldn't be wasting your time with someone as "ugly" and "worthless" such as myself."
Jungkook flinched at my tone and repetition of his harsh words.
"I know that I was a dick to you. Again. I just want a chance to explain, to apologise. I don't deserve to but I owe you an explanation," he said in sorrowful manner.
I couldn't believe I was feeling bad for him. He needed to leave before I melted at his feet.
"Jungkook, I don't think today is a good day."
"I understand. But before you close the door on me I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry, Sen. I regretted what I said right after I said it. I just didn't have the guts to face you, to actually apologise. We are friends... well, atleast we were until I messed things up. I'm sorry."
He turned around and walked down the porch steps.
I sighed. How long would I wait to hear him out. Maybe I was just avoiding all my problems again. Maybe I was scared of being hurt. Maybe I didn't want to know why I was so affected by the boy that was infront of my door.
I couldn't avoid him forever.
Before I even realised it, I called out his name.
"Jungkook, wait."
He turned around and looked at me confused.
"I'll give you 6 minutes to say whatever you have to. After that we'll see what happens."
Jungkook smiled at me widely and nodded his head enthusiastically before running back up the steps.
"How did you get here?" I asked.
"Tae Tae hyung dropped me off."
"Oh."
"He didn't force me to come here. He just doesn't trust my driving when I'm unhappy," Jungkook added quickly.
"Is he still here?"
"Yeah, he's parked around the corner. He didn't want you to see him and then assume things."
"Oh... you can call him here. He doesn't have to wait in his car."
"Okay."
Jungkook messaged Taehyung to come and he did come shortly after.
"There's soup in the kitchen. Help yourself. Oh and the kitchen is that way."
"Thanks," Taehyung said looking at me with a little guilt.
"Make yourself at home," I said to Taehyung before leading Jungkook towards the back of the house. I took him outside to the garden. I needed the fresh air. The cool breeze helped me relax.
We sat on the swing set and I waited for him to say what he wanted to.
"Are you going to say anything or are you going to continue hoping that we can communicate telepathically? Because you have four minutes left I wouldn't waste it if I were you."
"I know. I just... it's just that... it's difficult for me to speak about my personal life. I don't do it often, not even with Taehyung. I just don't want you to look at me differently after I tell you everything," he said with an edge of nervousness in his voice.
I felt bad for him and I wanted to give him comfort but the fact remained that he hurt me and had a lot of explaining to do. How could I comfort him when I, myself, was upset with him? The words of comfort didn't leave my mouth and remained stuck in my throat.
I, however, resorted to my mocking attitude. Hoping it would ease the tension.
"Don't worry. My opinion of you won't change. I thought you were a dick before and after this I'll still think you're a dick. Nothing will change." I managed to muster a slight smile.
Jungkook chuckled lightly. He turned a little in his swing, to face me, and I mimicked him.
"My father is not the nicest person out there and my mom... well she doesn't care much about me because she's too busy with her new husband."
I nodded gesturing him to continue.
"The family business matters a great deal to my father and because I'm the oldest he expects me to takeover it one day. I, on the other hand, don't care much about the business. I don't want to head the business. I've seen how ruthless my father can be just over a deal... just over money. I never want to become like that. I have no passion directed towards the business world and because of this I'm a disappointment to my father."
I saw the pain that coated his eyes but I still said nothing.
"He hates that I'm in Bangtan and he regards any form of art as a disgrace. He compares me to my younger brother, a lot. But I can't even blame my brother. He tries to defend me but that doesn't matter because my father only listens to himself."
He looked away before saying the next part.
"My father has serious anger issues, it was one of the reasons my mother left him. He can be perfectly sober yet still be aggressive."
I felt like I knew where this was going but I didn't interrupt him.
"The day before I said those things to you, he and I got into a fight about my future. I finally gathered up the courage to tell him that I refuse to work in the business. And that's basically how the black eye happened. Those things that I said to you about being worthless and useless, it was the same things that he said to me the night before and when you asked me about my eye I just lost it. You showed me care and I pushed you away. His words were just playing over and over in my head and it put me in a bad mood the next day. I burst on the first person that spoke to me and that just happened to be you. I wanted someone to feel as hurt as me, and as selfish as that sounds, the idea appealed to me at that moment."
He sighed.
"I don't expect you to forgive me or even be my friend again. But I hope that to an extent you can understand me, understand my position. Senthu, my whole life I've heard that I'm not good enough and yet you always look at me like I am. Whether it's as a tutor or a friend, you always have the belief that I can do well. I didn't want to disappoint you so I just pushed you away before I could. I know that was wrong now. I just want you to know that you're not any of the things that I said you were that day. You're beautiful and useful and you are my friend. I don't pity you, I pity myself for having ruined a great friendship like ours. I hope that one day you'll be my friend again."
He took in a deep breath and I found myself doing the same. I even felt tears in my eyes as he spoke but I couldn't let them fall, not yet anyways.
"I am truly sorry, for everything." Jungkook got up from the swing and looked at me one more time as if to say goodbye. He bent down and kissed my forehead before walking away.
My heart raced as his lips touched my head yet sank as he walked away.
"Jungkook, wait." He turned and looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.
"You still have a minute left."
"But I said whatever I needed to."
"I didn't," I stated.
"I gave you 6 minutes. How about you give me the same? Six for six. Do we have a deal?"
Although he still looked confused, he nodded his head and walked towards the swing again.
I waited for him to sit down before I spoke again.
"You had no right to hurt me that day."
"I know," he responded.
"Did I say anything when you gave your speech? No, right. So why don't you shut up and give a girl the chance to speak?"
He nodded his head like a child that was just scolded.
"I was really hurt that day and the days following. I was confused too. I wondered why the Jungkook that was nice and sweet suddenly became the same old bully. I blamed myself for the change. I found all the faults in myself and in those few days I really felt worthless.
I thought you hated me and you said that you pitied me which is far worse to me than hate. After that day I didn't want to speak to you again. I was scared that I'd get hurt again. I think that maybe that's why I was avoiding this talk for so long. I didn't want to give you back the position you held. I didn't want to give you any importance in my life because if you don't matter to me then what you say won't matter either."
I sighed.
"Ignoring you was wrong of me. I was just avoiding the inevitable. And I hurt the both of us, in doing so."
"You may have been wrong, Jungkook but I understand what your state of mind might've been. I really do understand. I was wrong too, you know."
"I'm sorry,"
Jungkook looked like he was about to protest at my apology and question it but I held my hand out to stop him.
" I was so caught up in my own emotions and what you said that I paid no attention to what could've caused you to say such things. I believed your words and gave up on trying to mend things. I didn't try to find out the reason behind your change in attitude. As soon as the problem between us arose, I ran. Literally and figuratively."
He raised his hand like a student in class.
"Yes?"
"You don't need to apologise. I should never have had an attitude change in the first place," he said.
"You can blame yourself and I can blame myself but I think in all honesty we're both at fault. You behaved like a turdbag and I was overly emotional. We're both bad friends, let's face it."
We both chuckled at my remark.
"Does this mean you've forgiven me?" He asked innocently.
"I forgave you a long time ago, before you even asked for forgiveness. I was mostly mad at myself for being so upset."
"Can we be friends again?" He asked in an almost pleading tone.
"Yes. But we can't just go back to how we were before the incident."
"Meaning?"
"After my accident, we went from despising eachother to spending almost all our time together. From enemies to best friends. I think that's why our friendship broke so easily. It wasn't strong enough. If we're going to try this friendship thing again, we have to do it slowly. I mean we really rushed into the friendship before without even knowing much about one another. I bet you don't even know my favourite colour."
I got my answer from his inability to answer.
"Well, you probably don't know mine either," was his retort.
"It's red. I don't know why but it is."
"How did you... how did you know?" He asked shocked.
"Eventhough you have several different colour pens, you only use red when you're writing notes."
"What if that's just my colour for math?"
"Highly unlikely since I've seen your History notes and English notes."
"I don't know whether to be impressed by your observation skills or terrified."
"Probably both."
We laughed again.
"I like hearing your laugh," he said.
"I've forgiven you already and agreed to be your friend. No need to butter me up."
"I was being serious."
"Okay. So do we have a deal on the slow friendship?"
"Yes, we do," he said putting his hand foward for me to shake which I did.
"Did you guys make up yet?" Taehyung asked with his mouth full and holding a bowl in his hands.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Thank God. I was getting sick of his mopeing ass."
************
After Taehyung finished eating they decided it was time for them to leave since they had practice in a short while.
As Jungkook was exiting, I remembered something I wanted to ask him.
"How did you find out where I lived?"
"Oh easy. We accessed your personal file at school," Jungkook stated as if it was nothing.
"How on earth is that easy?"
"Taehyung's Uncle is the principle which I'm sure you already know. We just had to pretend his favourite nephew and his best friends were visiting. Then Jimin hyung distracted the secretary with his charm while Tae and I snuck past and looked for your file."
"Isn't the secretary a guy?"
"So? Jimin's charm works on everyone."
"Even you?"
"Gross no, he's like my brother."
"Mhm," I said unconvinced.
"Whatever... I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay," I smiled.
Jungkook made his way to Taehyung's car but before he could go inside I called his name.
"Hey, Jungkook."
"Yeah?"
"You're strange. Did you know that?"
"Yeah, for a while."
He gave me his best genuine smile and I returned it. The smile told me everything would be alright and I actually believed that it would be.
____________________________________________
I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
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