Song: I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys
How is it possible that one person can single-handedly turn your world upside-down and change everything that you thought you knew about yourself?
"Earth to Zaavan, are you listening?"
I snapped out of my thoughts and reluctantly turned my head to face Vance. Damn, it's so hard to look him without getting a weird tingly feeling inside my chest. And I shouldn't be feeling this way about Vance or any other guy. But man, when he looks at him, it feels like having the wind knocked right out of me.
"Are you still thinking about yesterday? Because if there's something on your mind that-"
"Nah bro, chill. It's cool, I don't really want to talk about that right now." The rest of yesterday was kind of a blur. Vance stayed for a bit but left before my parents got back and freaked out that I had someone over while I was on my period. But it's not my fault - I never would've let Vance stay over if I knew I was just about to get it.
Vance nodded. "If anything, I'm here for you man." I didn't really want to bother Vance with this shit. Neither of us are really into deep, emotional conversations and I get that he doesn't really know what to say to me sometimes. But that's cool - I know he tries.
"Yo Vance, why are we going this way?" I normally rode to school on my bike with Katja and Dashiell, but I didn't really feel good to cycle today. Besides, Katja is probably going with Ariadne and Kennedy and Dashiell left early to go print something out from the library.
Just then, we stopped in front of a house and I groaned as I saw Ahmed and Zhang walking towards us. I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head at Vance.
"Seriously?"
"Bro, come on. Zhang really feels bad about-"
"Yo dudes, 'sup?" said Zhang followed by a "Hey guys," from Ahmed.
"Zaavan look, I know what I did was a total douche move and I'm really sorry-"
"It's fine. Just don't mention it. EVER." Okay, if I was being realistic, I would've probably held a grudge against him until the day I die, but only because it meant a lot to Vance I forgave him. Zhang went on about a new conspiracy theory he heard about but I wasn't really paying attention.
Guess what I was doing? Staring at Vance like some obsessed creep. But I couldn't help it. I hung onto every word he said because the sound of his voice was enough to make my stomach feel uneasy. But you know, maybe it was just the cramps. As much as I hate to admit it, just being with Vance made me happier than anything else in the world.
"This guy is seriously out of it today," laughed Vance as he slung an arm around my shoulders. My breath caught in my throat and I tensed up at the feeling of his body against mine.
"Uh, yeah sorry I'm just really tired," I said casually, trying to shake off the tingling feeling I felt wherever we made physical contact. The smell of AXE shampoo and Vance's cologne filled my lungs and sent my senses into overdrive. Shit, I've got to stop feeling like this.
But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't. My heart started racing faster because I actually liked it when Vance touched me. And I hated it when people touched me, but it felt different when Vance did. I liked the feeling of his body pressed against mine - it felt like nothing I've ever felt before in my life. I wanted to be even closer to him, maybe feel his soft lips on mine...
But I can't. Because this was wrong. It was so wrong on so many levels. Vance is my best friend and I couldn't risk screwing things up between us. I don't know what I'd do if he hated me. But still, I can't be feeling this way about him. We're both guys, I mean that's just gross. It's sick liking another guy like that when I myself am a guy. God, I'm seriously messed up.
"So Zaavan, what about you?" asked Zhang.
"What?" I asked, snapping back to reality.
"Any girls in your life that we should know about?" Added Ahmed with a wink.
Vance studied me, curiously. "Not really. I've never really liked a girl that much before," I said slowly.
"What? No way, not a single girl? Who was your first girlfriend?" asked Zhang.
"Why do even care, Zhang?" I snapped.
After a short silence, Ahmed spoke up. "He was asking all of us, but I guess you didn't hear. You looked like you were thinking," said Ahmed cautiously. Oh, whoops. Well, I just killed the conversation.
"Uh, so how did you guys find the math test last week," Vance said quickly, trying to change the subject while my mind once again drifted off. Who was the first girl I liked? I thought long and hard but I don't find an answer. The closest I've ever come to really liking someone was Kolton, but that didn't count. That was just friendly love. I'm pretty sure everyone likes their friends that much, right?
***
The day passed by pretty fast and before I knew it, I was already waiting by Vance's locker, ready to leave. We didn't have practice because coach Davidson thought that it'd be better to ease us back to school slowly.
"So Vance, are you free tonight? Maybe we can go out?" Asked Kennedy. If I was being completely honest, Kennedy wasn't a bad person. She's pretty assertive and kind of annoying sometimes, but she never did anything to me. I just don't like her. It doesn't seem to bother her though because I'm pretty sure she hates me too.
"Gee babe, I'm sorry but I can't tonight. I'm hanging out with Zaavan. What about tomorrow?" HA, take that Kennedy. I couldn't help but smile. Vance just rejected his girlfriend to hang out with me.
Kennedy pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Can't. I'm going to the mall with Ashlynn and the other girls from the dance team. How about..." Kennedy's voice trailed off as a girl with long black hair walked up to us.
"Hey Zaavan," she said. The girl was wearing black leggings with a long-sleeved black crop top and black combat boots. What was her name again?
"It's Lydia from Math class. You left your textbook in class so here you go."
"Ah thanks," I said, flashing her a smile. These things were crazy expensive and it'd seriously suck if I lost one.
"Anyways, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime?" she asked. Woah, that was random.
"Uhhh...I..." Thankfully, Katja jumped in.
"Wow Lydia, your eyeliner is so flawless! You've totally got to teach me how to make a perfect wing like that sometime," she said, smiling brightly.
Lydia's eyes lit up. "Of course, I'd love to!" she said smiling. Yep, everybody in the whole school knew and loved Katja. Even the all the teachers. Stupid, perfect Katja. "So Zaavan, what do you say?" I chewed nervously on a drawstring from my sweater. I've really got to stop doing that. It's pretty nasty if you think about it.
"Uh...I dunno...I'm kinda busy..." You see Lydia is known for her temper. She HATES not getting what she wants. Her eyes quickly darkened at my remark.
"Fine, whatever," she said. She turned to walk away but before she did, she took one last look at me and smirked. "Stay sexy," she said as she slapped my butt and walked away.
For a minute, I just stood there as my brain processed what just happened.
"Zaavan? Are you-" I didn't let Katja finish as I pushed past her and quickly made my way to the washroom. I hated using public washrooms because it was just too nerve-wracking. What would people think of me if they saw what I really looked like? Turning on the tap, I splashed cold water on my face and tried to calm myself down.
"Zaavan? Bro, what's wong?" Asked a worried Vance.
"Sh-she touched me. She slapped my ass and it just, it feels so weird and I just, I don't like it when people touch me," I said, my head starting to spin. "I spend so much time at the doctor's and all they do is examine me and probe me like I'm an alien or something and I just hate that. I can't even look at myself in the mirror because every time I do all I can see is everything that's wrong with me. Then people like her come along and just touch me like it's nothing? I'm sorry, this is stupid, I'm just freaking out over nothing."
"Hey, you don't need to apologize. Zaavan, there is nothing wrong with you. Having a different body doesn't make you weird, it makes you awesome because there's not many people like you-"
I snorted. "Yeah and I should be grateful because I'm "special" right?"
"Okay fine. I get it, it sucks being different, especially in highschool. Teenagers can be awful and if anyone here does find out then you're probably screwed. But you know what? There's really nothing wrong with being different. There are people out there who don't think any different of you like me, and Zhang, Ahmed, Katja, Dashiell...not everyone cares about what you look like. Honestly, it's nobody's business what you have in between your legs." Vance gently grabbed me and pulled me into a hug for a split second before he quickly jumped back.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to just touch you like that..." he started before I quickly jumped in.
"No, it's fine. You're fine I mean...I didn't really know Lydia that's why but you're cool. You can touch me, if you want. I trust you," I stuttered. Wow, now I can't even formulate proper sentences around him. Thankfully, Vance just nodded.
"Sorry about Lydia. She had no right to do that and it was insanely inappropriate. Most guys at our school like that kind of stuff so I guess she just thought that it'd turn you on." It made sense, but it still felt really uncomfortable.
"So, my place today?" Asked Vance nervously, probably unsure if I was okay. I was though, now that he was here.
"Yeah sure."
"Cool. I'm just gonna use the washroom first," he said making his way to a urinal and unzipping his pants. Crap.
"I'll be outside," I said before running out the door as if my life depended on it. Because Lydia slapping my butt should've turned me on, not the fact that Vance was unzipping his jeans. I slammed my head against the lockers outside. Vance was completely messing with my head. If I didn't get a hold of myself, my whole life will be ruined. Because let me tell you something: Zaavan Fleetwood is NOT gay.
A/N: This chapter seems really random, I guess it's kind of like a filler? The next one will be better though! :)