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violet
"i want all of you, you're dead to me but also so alive at the same time, you're so harsh but so kind and gentle. don't be so hard on yourself, it's okay to mess up."
"i love you."
"i love you."
"i love you."
"i love you."
suddenly everything started to pick up from the slow motion, i didn't even feel gus' lap underneath me afterwards, everything was just moving so quickly as my mouth became dry and my heartbeat quickened as i realised what i just said. after all this fucking time.
my hands became shaky as i began to catch my breath, i looked at gus, who was staring back at me with a hard to read expression. i just wanted to be sick.
"you- you what?" he muttered. i felt my heart hurt and i looked towards the door handle.
"i- i have to get out of here." i said, quickly opening the door ad practically falling from the car, i didn't even feel like i was in my mind right now, so many emotions were taking over.
then i began to run.
as far as i could, away from the car, away from the party, away from gus. just anywhere, anywhere away from here.
gus' distant calls drowned out behind in my heated rush as i headed further and further away, until i was in the open streets.
the intoxications clouded my mind, but i knew where i was, i could run home.
i continued to run as fast as i could pelt, sweat building up, but i didn't care , i zig zagged in and out between people as i headed for my apartment building, it can't be too far.
my chest felt like it was tightening as my heart screamed in emotional pain and sadness. i was so angry.
angry for myself for letting that out to him, that i actually loved him.
i don't even fucking know what love is. and to love him?! why would i set myself up for heartbreak like that?
but i couldn't help the lingering sadness that clouded over me as my mind raced and tears pooled in my eyes, as visions of him appeared in my mind, the softness of his touch and the radiance of his occasional smile, his beautiful voice and his glowing eyes.
and now i've pushed him away.
gus doesn't love.
the clouds in the sky grew darker, blocking out the moon, carrying with them the booming anger of the thunder, i wanted to scream.
the lightening cried in immense rage as i entered the building, quickly racing for the elevator. my fingers quivering.
as i entered my apartment i slammed the door shut and headed for my room.
how could i do this? to myself? to gus? i've pushed him away, he's officially gone, fucking gone.
i couldn't stop feeling so foolish, so stupid and so angry with myself. this was all a mess. this is not where i planned to be at all.
as the lightening lit up my room in flashes i screamed at punched at the bed, completely ignoring the constant ringing of my phone, i couldn't even look at it right now.
as the drink coursed through my veins, my screams became louder, agitated as my heart split in two, i didn't even care about the other residents.
but as my screams became louder and more angry, my body, mind and heart ached more and more.
slowly but surely, my limbs began to give in and grow tired and strained. my throat was as hoarse as sand paper and my head practically pounded.
i wobbled over to the chair by my balcony door, collapsing into it as my body winced in heated pain, now there was just nothing.
my eyes filled with tears that pricked at my nerves, they eventually slowly rolled down my cheeks as my body shook in a confused and broken state.
all that followed was the rain that quietly slid down the glass as tears streamed from my eyes, my heart shakingly beating in a slow, tired rhythm.
everything felt numb. i was so stupid. i was such an idiot.
the world seemed to move so slowly once again, all i wanted was for morning to come, and to no longer be trapped in this darkness.
i wasn't happy in my apartment. i needed somewhere open, clear and free.
standing up, knees shaking, i grab a blanket and head for the door. i leave my apartment and head to the elevator, going to the only place i needed.
after a while i was at the familiar metal stair case. slowly, i pulled myself up the stairs and to the metal door. everything hurt so much.
i pushes the door open slowly, it was a little lighter than before, i could just about see the sun peeking above the horizon, was it coming to morning already?
i couldn't even comprehend time right now, everything was just a blur. i continued to head around the roof, to the familiar place i stood with gus, i found a place to lean against and sat down, making sure the blanket was nicely wrapped around my aching frame, my eyes fixated on the city.
i had stopped crying now, my eyes ached and my cheeks felt tight and sticky from the dry tears, my head still hurt, i just sat there and tried to breathe.
my body had never been apart of such an emotional turmoil in such a long time.
"you're a fucking idiot violet." i whispered to myself, as the city began to wake up.
as the sun began to rise ever so slowly, i thought of gus. how he stood, with that stupid little smile on his face. his embrace, and how his arms felt around me. his voice, and how it sounded when he spoke my name.
i thought about him laughing and singing and walking and breathing. all these stupid small things that i loved so much.
and that's it. i really did love him. and it obviously terrified me. he doesn't seem the type to love at all.
hell, i don't even think he is that type at all.
as my daze on the city began to grow, my body grew more and more tired and i felt myself falling asleep, i was too sad to stay awake.
so stupid violet
why would you do that?
voices ran through my head as i was trapped in the void of being awake and being asleep.
except it wasnt the voices in my head.
my body was suddenly lifted and engulfed in an embrace. i was too weak to pull away, i just laid there, wallowing in my idiotic sadness.
"you're so fucking stupid, you know that?" his voice spoke quickly.
my eyes were still shut, my eyebrows furrowed close together as i steadily tilted my head up to look at the persons face.
as soon as my eyes met his, the filled up with tears again, my hand reaching for his face. is this even real?
"do you know how much you worried me back there?"
"i was looking for hours!" he added, holding my face with his free hand.
a tear rolled down my face as i continued to look at him, my lungs ached too much from the anger i expressed to even mutter a word, all that came out was sad, inaudible croaks.
he quickly pulled me closer, hugging me tightly, my face against his cheek as he rocked us back and forth, i had never felt so protected.
"i-i thought you were g-going to leave." i muttered in a rough tone.
"i'm sorry." i added.
he looked at me again with a confused expression on his face, as he continued to stroke my cheek. the gold morning sun kissing at his face so perfectly.
"you're so beautiful." i said, causing him to let out a slight giggle.
he room my hand in his and held it against his chest.
"i thought you left me." he emphasised.
i shook my head, my body still in a painful state, but he numbed that, he numbed everything bad for me.
"never. i never would."
"never do that to me again." he replied.
slowly, i nodded, thinking what a stupid dramatic bitch i am.
"just hold me, for a little while."
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an: words can't EXPRESS how SHIT this is.
honestly i'm so annoyed with this i wanted it to be so much better for you guys and it's not and i'm rlly rlly sorry. you guys deserve so much more.
anyway, please vote in order for the next chapter:) i have no idea where this book is going and it's spooking me out, do you guys even like this story anymore???????
this story seems so random and boring to me:/
pls leave feedback as it helps me so much, i decided i update for you guys as i felt like it was deserved, you have no idea how much you guys influence me.
-love you all xxxxx