-LIA-
“Absolutely, we’ll do it. Right babe?”
My eyes were fixated on the familiar pack of peppermint gum that stuck out of Jackson Harris’ pocket as I slowly snatched my mind away from childhood memories and back to focus on Jordan’s hand that rested on mine.
“What?” I blinked and sat back in my chair.
“We'll give our statements,” Jordan repeated.
“Oh, yeah,” I nodded as my eyes scanned Jack’s office.
It was just the way I'd always imagined mine would be. The room was large and smelled of books from the library that covered his left wall. Two black sitting chairs were arranged for easy reading. To the right of the room was a sturdy mahogany chest. The top of the chest held an odd assortment of a coffee maker with a mug and a bottle of sherry with shot glasses. The rest of the chest was covered with small model cars and little carved wooden houses that seemed to serve as reminders of his former life as a mechanic and carpenter.
The back wall held his diplomas that were framed and hung astutely on either side of a large portrait of himself. In front of that wall, sat a giant desk that matched the mahogany chest. Jack sat behind the desk in his office chair that accommodated his large frame.
His expression was anxious and a sharp contrast to the confident visage that stared down from the portrait above.
“Thank you, I really appreciate you both doing this,” He spoke. “It really helps the case.”
“Of course, anything for Gina.” Jordan smiled as he stroked my hand.
Jack nodded and I watched as he filled out the statement paperwork. He wrote Jordan’s name across one sheet: Jordan Nathaniel Marcel Knight and mine across the other: Natalia Charlotte Harris Knight.
“It's Andrews,” I spoke.
Jack looked up at me. I swallowed hard as his gray eyes met with mine and I remembered all the times those same eyes had brought a smile to my face and made me feel safe, just like a father's eyes should. Now, all I could feel was pain and heartache.
“My maiden name is Andrews,” I repeated. “Gina and I both changed it to Mom’s.”
“Oh, of course,” Jack’s eyes softened as he ripped the form and grabbed another.
He filled out the new paper and placed both sheets in front of Jordan and me.
I filled out my statement as best as I could for Gina’s sake before sliding it back across the table just as Jordan finished his.
“Let us know if we can do anything else,” Jordan shook his hand, but I held back.
The lump in my throat tightened as I caught a glimpse of a candy jar sitting on one of the shelves of his library. It held the same colorful lollipops that I'd looked forward to each night as a little girl. I held back my tears and moved to the elevator as quickly as I could.
I just wanted to get away and never come back.
I stepped out of the doors of the law office and was welcomed by a flash of cameras and a hoard of reporters.
“Are you Mrs. Knight?”
“Jordan! Are you getting divorced?”
“Why are you seeing an attorney?”
“Can you smile for us?”
“Can we see a kiss?”
My heart pounded in my chest. I felt claustrophobic as the crowd began to close in. The paparazzi were jostling and pushing as they moved closer to us.
“How did they find us?” I heard Jordan mumble as he placed his arm around me protectively. “Just keep moving, baby.”
One particularly aggressive photographer shoved me as he stuck his camera in my face, and flashed it, blinding me as little lights gleamed in my blurry vision.
Jordan cursed at him, “Back off!”
I held tightly to Jordan’s arm as I blindly followed him through the chaos and into his car.
“I’m sorry about that, Lia,” he sighed as he drove. “Are you hurt?”
“Not because of them,” I shook my head and rested my head on my hand as my elbow leaned on the window.
My head throbbed.
Jordan looked concerned as he reached over and placed his hand on my knee. “Because of him?”
“It just doesn't seem like he suffered. It's like I shed all of these tears and had all of this heartache and he just moved on with a perfect life and no consequences. Before now, in my head I could imagine he'd left us for another family and they turned out to be awful and he was somewhere in the world wishing he'd stayed. Now that fantasy is gone and I feel betrayed. It scares me that he could move on and just forget about me like that. I mean, it’s like, if my own father can do that, will other people get tired of me and leave? Part of me really just wants to see him suffering. Does that make me a horrible person?”
Jordan shook his head, “No, baby, that makes you human. You're not the bad guy here, he is for hurting you. Don't put that burden on yourself.”
I gave him a smile small as I rested my hand on top of his. His loving eyes seemed to promise me the world and that he'd never hurt me the way Jack had. My heart believed that, but my head kept taunting me that I was setting myself up for failure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Lia?” The sing-song voice of the medical assistant dressed in pink scrubs caught my attention.
I closed my crossword puzzle book as I stood up and looked across the room at Jordan who had stepped into the corner for a phone call.
His eyebrows were drawn together and he seemed frustrated as he whispered into his phone before his eyes locked with mine.
Since the paparazzi had spotted Jordan and I in front of Jack’s office I was worried about going to the doctor’s office together, but he insisted that he wanted to come along.
I gestured that I was heading back and he nodded.
I walked over to the medical assistant and she grinned.
“Are you all set?”
“Yes,” I couldn't help, but smile from her cheeriness. “He'll be back soon.”
“Okay, c’mon on back, I'm Samantha, by the way.”
“It's nice to meet you, Samantha,” I followed her to the back.
She took my basic measurements before leading me to a room. She grinned as she flipped through my chart.
“I'm a big New Kids on the Block fan.”
“Oh, yeah?” I bit my lip, unsure of how to respond.
“Don't worry, I'm not a psycho fan that wants to kill you for having Jordan Knight's baby and I'm bound by HIPAA to keep your secret safe. I think you make a cute couple.”
“Thanks,” I relaxed.
“Is he just the sweetest ever? Jordan, I mean.”
I smiled, “Yeah, he really is. He's so supportive and caring.”
“Aww,” Samantha cooed. “He seems that way in interviews. He's always been my favorite. Do you think he'd give me an autograph?”
“I'm sure he'd be happy too.” Jordan loved meeting Blockheads and I always appreciated his special relationship with them.
Samantha beamed as she stood up and took off my blood pressure cuff. “I'll ask him then if I get a chance.”
I nodded and smiled as she finished taking my vitals.
“Dr. Montgomery will be right in, okay?”
“Thanks, Samantha.” I sighed as I laid back on the examination table.
My eyes wandered the posters of fetal development and I found myself wondering what my baby would possibly look like. Would it be a boy or girl? Would he or she have my curly black hair or Jordan’s silky brown hair? Would the baby have Jordan's dimples or my long eye lashes? My mind began to construct an imaginary baby and I felt my stomach do flips as I hoped that he or she would have the life I'd always wanted.
Knock. Knock.
“Come in,” I glanced back over my shoulder to see Jordan come in the room.
“Hey,” he slipped his hands in his pockets as he settled into the chair by the doctor’s counter.
“Hey,” I smiled softly as I tried to read the expression on Jordan’s face. “Important call?”
“An irritating call,” he smiled as he seemed to pull his thoughts back from somewhere else and focused on me. “I heard we get to hear the heartbeat today?”
“Really?” I was surprised, it seemed too soon. Gina had given me a stack of baby books to read, but one glimpse at all of the things that could possibly go wrong had scared me away from reading the rest.
“Yeah,” Jordan nodded. “Your M.A. Sam told me.”
“Did she get an autograph?” a smile played on my lips.
“And a selfie,” he chuckled.
I smiled as I took in the sound of his laughter. “She's a big fan of yours.”
“Well,” Jordan grinned as he leaned forward off his chair and kissed the back of my hand. “I'm your biggest fan.”
I found myself blushing.
Jordan’s calloused thumb caressed the skin where he'd left a kiss and I could feel the warmth of his touch trail my arm and leave behind a path of goosebumps.
“I've never heard a baby’s heartbeat before, have you?” his voice was hardly above a whisper, as if in awe of what was about to happen.
I shook my head, “No, never.”
“My mom used to work in a hospital and sometimes she'd help out in the labor and delivery wing and she'd come home with all these incredible stories about babies and how strong they are. I think you and I combined will make for a little tough cookie with a strong heartbeat.”
I smiled as Jordan’s smile grew until his dimples appeared. The far-off gaze in his eyes seemed to suggest that he was imagining our child in the same way I'd done. He kissed my hand once more before letting go as Dr. Montgomery knocked on the door and stepped inside.
“Well hello,” she entered the room. “Isn’t this exciting, I see you brought your husband with you?”
I nodded and happily introduced Jordan before Dr. Montgomery began her routine checks and questions. She wanted to know if I was still taking my prenatal vitamins and whether the morning sickness had improved. I assured her I was taking the pills and yes, it had gotten better. However, my nerves began to wear as I anticipated hearing the heartbeat.
Finally, Dr. Montgomery pulled out the doppler. “So, let’s see if we can take a listen to this little one, shall we?”
“Absolutely,” I grinned as my excitement grew and Jordan moved from his seat to stand right next to me. Both of his hands cupped my right hand and I laced my fingers with his.
We both awaited with bated breath as Dr. Montgomery applied a cool gel to my stomach before moving around the doppler wand.
Time seemed to move in slow motion and milliseconds felt like hours, but then we heard it.
The echo of the heartbeat filled the room and I was transfixed as I gasped. Suddenly, it all felt real and my own heart fluttered with excitement as I squeezed Jordan’s hand a little tighter. I looked up to see a tear trail down his cheek as he stared at the doppler in awe.
“Wow,” he breathed and I smiled as I gently lifted my hand to brush away his happy tears. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Dr. Montgomery smiled as she looked between us.
“It’s like music,” I nodded as my left hand rested on my stomach.
“It’s the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard,” Jordan’s face revealed just how awestruck he was as his eyes glistened. He kissed my forehead gently. “Do you think we could get a recording?”
“Of course, I’ll burn it on a CD for you,” Dr. Montgomery smiled.
I felt a little disappointed as she stopped the doppler and cleaned off the gel before stepping out to make the CD, but the pure joy in Jordan’s eyes kept a smile on my face.
“I love you, sweet baby,” he whispered as he leaned down and kissed my stomach. “And I love your mommy.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the day of the surprise New Kids’ cookout.
I woke up with a smile firmly on my face as I snuggled into the covers and thought back over the night Jordan and I’d spent making love and talking about baby plans.
I’d never really known what bliss felt like until that very moment. All of my worries and concerns about Jack had faded to the back of my mind and I was solely focused on the future.
I felt happy. I felt loved. I felt perfect.
I hummed to myself as I got dressed and went downstairs to make breakfast. I mixed up a batch of waffles and bacon on the stove. I also scooped yogurt into two little bowls before chopping up strawberries and pouring two glasses of orange juice to accompany the meal. I sat everything on a breakfast tray as I hummed the tune to Baby, I Believe in You and carried them downstairs to the basement.
Jordan’s agitated voice carried up the hall.
“I told you I was married...So what if she is?...Okay, so she’s pregnant, what difference does it make?...What?...No, absolutely not!...Why not? Because we’re both happy about it....Yes, I am...No, I didn’t and I’m not going to...She’s my wife!...I trust her, okay and that’s that...I haven’t really thought about that...The guys all understand...I can’t do that...Fire me then...I told you I can’t...Because I can’t...Yeah, well screw the contract...I can’t talk about this right now, Annette...I’m being difficult?...Whatever, I have to go...I have to go, Annette.”
I bit my lip as I heard a crash followed by obscenities and I quietly carried the tray to Jordan’s game room. He sat on one of the couches and held his head in his hands. The TV screen was shattered and the house phone lay broken on the ground.
I wasn’t sure whether to stay or turn around and go back upstairs. Before I could decide Jordan had lifted his head and turned to look at me.
“W-what’s the matter?” I stuttered.
“Nothing,” Jordan walked towards me and took one of the strawberries off the tray as he put on a smile. “This looks amazing, baby, you did all this?”
I nodded as he took the tray from me. “Come on, let’s go have breakfast in bed.”
He carried the tray past me and to the stairs.
My gaze was settled on the shattered TV and Jordan’s conversation played through my head.
“Baby,” he called from upstairs and I followed after and back to our room.
Jordan happily ate breakfast as if nothing had happened, but I watched him closely.
“Annette’s your publicist?” I finally asked.
“Huh?” Jordan looked at me with a mouth full of waffle. He had a bad habit of stuffing his cheeks until he looked like a chipmunk, but I found it to be cute.
I giggled and handed him one of the orange juice glasses, “The lady you were talking to.”
“Oh, you’re still thinking about that? I told you it’s nothing.” He bit into a slice of bacon.
“It didn’t sound like nothing,” I stirred my spoon into my yogurt.
“Well it was,” He insisted as he drank down the rest of his juice.
“You’re sure about that?”
“What is this? An interrogation?” I could tell he was getting annoyed.
“You just seemed upset, that’s all,” I sighed as I tried to soften my approach. “I mean whatever she said made you break the TV.”
“I’m not screwing her, alright?” he snapped.
“I don’t think that, it’s just I overheard you talking and it sounded like it was about me—”
“Not everything is about you,” he interrupted me. “I know you’re insecure and think everybody’s going to get sick of you like your father did, but it’s nothing like that so stop digging for trouble.”
His words stung. Whether he meant it or was speaking out of anger or frustration, it didn’t really matter.
“Wow,” I quietly climbed off the bed and grabbed my purse.
An ache settled in my throat. I felt like I’d been slapped.
“Lia,” Jordan sighed.
“I didn’t tell you that for you to throw it in my face the first time we had another fight,” Hot tears rimmed my eyes and I blinked, desperately not wanting him to see me cry. “If we can't talk, then what are we even doing?”
Jordan sighed deeply as he seemed at a loss for words. I shook my head as I pulled out one of the New Kids’ Cookout T-shirts that Bethany had made from my tote bag and I threw it at him.
“Be at the park at noon, they're expecting you.” I hurried out of the room as my tears began to fall down my cheeks from a mixture of anger and hurt.
Every time I let my guard down with Jordan I always seemed to end up right back where I started with tears falling and my heart aching.