I picked up my journal for today and sat at my desk. Thoughts for today:
March 23,2018
Little Do You Know
I live my life by MUSIC to keep me floating, trying not to go back under which is the only thing i can choose.
Reputation is who I try to be, but little do they know I'm picking up myself piece by piece. Dreams are what I live by, they keep me asleep, they keep me awake, no more screams, just more dreams please.
Expectations are handed out one for you and one for me. Live by these and don't stray, they say. I say live by these and no happiness shall be received. Look in the mirror, choose your story, wether it be adventure, of mystery, or love.
Goals are who I live to be. Without them, who am I meant to be. Goals aren't goals without you.
Stay true and be you
Yet, little do they know I'm trying to drown in this ocean called life.
My lifeboat is sinking
Heavy from failure, questions questions, disappointments and arguments.
Down I go......
There is no escape
Please someone.... help me.
I went to the bathroom with my clothes and turned on the shower. As the bathroom got steamy, I went into the shower. As the hot water ran down my body it felt like finally I can breathe.
A few hours later....
"You ready to go ma'am" Skyler said outside my door.
" Of course I don't take forever to get dressed like some people"
He laughs, " Alright, if you say so".
Even his laugh gives me chills,what is wrong with me.
I opened the door, and there he was in all black. Standing there, my jaw dropped.
My Lord why has thou chosen this temptation for me.
" You look nice,"I said trying not to blush.
"So do you"
Always with the smart remarks huh.
We went outside and suddenly I heard the ticking if a clock in my head.It was loud and clear.
"Do you hear that"?
"Hear what"?
"The clock"??
"No, I think you needs to wake up, Rachel", he said laughing.
I punched him playfully, but deep down I knew this was no joke, that clock sounded real.
What is happening with me????
After we came back from ice cream we stopped to the beach 'to talk' as they say.
"Rachel, do you honestly still have feelings for me, I know this is a hard time for you and with funeral coming up your busy. I want to be here for you, I want you to let me in. I mean no harm. You can trust me"
I can trust you.. me... trust you. I trusted my father he abused me, I trusted my mother to stay forever with me, she's dead. Trust? What is trust? But do I love you, good question...
"I still have feelings for you I just don't know if its love, I need you to be with me during this funeral and time as a friend, my best friend."
Stay, stay here forever, As more than a friend as a lover.
"That's cool with me, your worth the wait. I should take you home now"
As we walked in the house, my brothers were starting the funeral arrangements. The phone began to ring, they all turned to look at me, as if I'm supposed to answer it.
"Fine"
"Hello"
" Rachel, look at the clock when it strikes three someone will die and you figure it out", said a deep voice. " I want you to know you will pay for what you've done, you don't know me but I know you oh so well. Keep watch Rachel, don't let the seconds cut to deep".
I don't understand, what in the heaven was this......
"Find your escape Rachel"!
I dropped the phone and began to cry as i fell to my knees.
My brothers and Skyler inquired about this phone call and all a while I did not speak or leave my room.
I'm being watched......