"Come in!"
My hand reaches the door and pushes it open. With his hands held together behind him, dad was standing by the opened window, eyes closed and head up.
"Lunch is ready," I said almost whispering.
He looked at me and his eyes smiled.
"Is Alexia here?" He asked walking to his office.
"Right on time"
He sat down and pulled his glasses out of its case, which means "update me".
"Well," I said "Alexia is doing great as usual. Luna is having a little trouble in her midterms but I already hired a tutor... and Lili got a new tattoo"
at that moment he laid back and shook his head yet I continued.
" Caterina got honored by her college faculty for being something environmental while Sisilia is going on a trip with some of the professors to china to dig out some bones. Celina wants to double major but her college didn't let her and I'll go with her to see why"
I walked closer to his office with my hand held together.
"and last but not least our baby Chris is in love again but this time with some nerd that I checked and turned out to be nerdier than Cate but it's OK she got perfect SAT scores and she applied for some great colleges"
"What's the tattoo say ?" He asked.
"Something in Chinese" I simply answered.
He let out a sigh and stood up. he walked to me and rested both of his hands on my shoulders.
"What would I do without you" he smiled.
"You would still be a great father" I reflected on his smile.
He looked at my eyes and his face changed all at once.
"You forgot to update me about someone," he said and I knew who he is talking about.
I knew that but I don't know what to say.
I'm not OK, I don't think I'll ever be near ok, I'm killing more people by the second and The police is on my back all the time... So which one of those I should mention?
"I'm OK"
yes, I think that's a good answer.
I knew he knew I'm lying but he decided to let it slide this time. Again.
"Let's go get lunch shell we," he said smiling taking my hand in his.
I can't let him get worried about me, it's Lili's job.
We got down and the girls were sited, the moment dad walked in behind me they all jumped at him like monkeys except Cate who rearranged her hair so it would cover half of her face, she quickly kissed his cheek and turned so he won't notice the red hand printed in her cheek.
We all took a seat and started eating, Chris set next to me and laid her head on my shoulder eating her food piece by piece with her hand.
"Chris!" Said Lex but Chris just smiled and ignored her.
"So, what's new with you girls?" He asked smiling and he looked to Lex " let's start with you babe because I'm hungry and I don't want to lose my appetite yet" and he threw a cold look towards Lili.
"Well the work is great" she talked so normal like she didn't just slap her sister a minute ago "I'm going to Paris next week and I'm going to stay there for two months"
"Two months?" Dad was surprised "isn't that too much ?"
"I know dad but I kind of has to," she said looking down to her plate.
"It's alright" he said reaching her hand and squeezing it "just keep your guards with you all the time and..."
"Keep your gun loaded and in reach" she finished for him smiling "I remember daddy don't worry"
"What about you Em?" Suddenly Cate asked from across the table "how is your job? Are you having fun killing people?" She lifts her eyebrows waiting for my answer.
I did what I always do, I ignored her and kept chewing my food as if she didn't even speak.
"I see that Lex's present didn't do the Job" said Liliane through her teeth.
"Oh my dear big sister" she said smiling "nobody's present can affect me"
when she looked around and saw that dad was weirdly looking at her, she lost it. her eyes watered and she stood up her body shaking like crazy.
"You all don't understand" she said with a chocked voice "no one told her to be anything than herself but she had to step in and ..."
Step in what? I seriously have no idea what she's talking about, I was about to ask her when she just pushed back her chair and walked away.
Dad took a breath and shook his head.
"I'll never know what's in that girl's mind" he said putting down his fork and knife.
"Don't worry dad" said Luna from the side of the table "it's just a lot is going on in her life it's stressing her out"
My dad really wanted to believe Luna's lie but it didn't get through, he wiped his hand and stood up.
"But dad you didn't even touch your food!" Said Liliane standing up as well.
"I'll eat later" he said faking a smile "but don't stand up too, keep eating I have a lot of work to be done" and he walked away.
"I'm going to kill that..." Said Lili throwing her napkin on the table and as she turned I pulled her back.
"Apparently she has a problem with me" I said sitting her down "I guess today is the day I'll find out what is it .. I'll deal with it, you just eat" and I handed her back her fork.
"But Em..." said Sicilia begging me not to go "let me" she suggested.
I looked at her and smiled "eat... We worked all morning for it"
"But.."
"EAT!!!"
they all set down, even Lex and I turned around and walked upstairs.
°°°°°°
I didn't even knock, I just opened the door.
"Don't you know knocking you freak?" She yelled at me from her bad.
Freak, I heard that word a lot but never in my house, never from a family, never from a sister I took care of since she was 9 years old.
"Are you crying?" I asked as her face was like a raccoon.
"No I'm leaking" she said sarcastically "of course I am you Dracula, I'm surprised you even know the word"
"I want you to save all the nonsense you're about to say to me because I simply won't care, just tell me what's wrong and I'll get out of your hair" I said crossing my arms.
"This ! " she said coldly "coming up to my room asking about what's wrong...your so pathetic way of trying to be like mum"
Mum?
"no one told you to be our mother! you just took her place! no one told you to feed us or to dress us or to take care of us at all! we weren't that young we had a babysitter! you just should've been who you are! our sister that's it! Just because you look a little bit like her doesn't mean you should be her because you'll never be her!"
I look a little bit like mother?
"Do you know her?" I asked "Do you know our mother? Do you remember her? Are you comparing me to the typical mothers or you're seriously comparing me to a mother you don't know or remember?"
Stop!
"Do you remember her putting you to bed? Or reading you stories? or making you breakfast? Or taking you to school? What do you know about your mother other than a picture on the wall and faded memories?"
Stop! Just shut up before it's too late!
"Do you think she would've taken care of you the way I did?"
Don't say it! Stop!
"Do you think she cared about you or ever loved you? Do you think she thought of you when she cut off her wrist?"
"Shut up you monster! Just shut up!" She screamed closing her ears.
"Monster or a cold-blooded bitch" I said kneeling close in front of her "I took a batter care of you more than she could've ever done"
I stood up and walked away. I shouldn't have done that or say that, I knew it was wrong but it just came out. she doesn't know her, she doesn't know what she did to this family, to dad and me. I'm not the only monster in this family.
°°°°°°
I still remember that night. I can still see it as if it happened last night, I still remember standing outside her bathroom peaking from behind the unlocked door. I saw her in her red sleeping gown with her thick black hair pulled up in a huge ponytail, she was sitting in the bathtub with the water running. On the side next to her, I saw the knife, her black Rose knife which was a gift from her father. I could've walked in and stopped her, I could've called dad or at least screamed, but that smile I saw on her face, that scary smile kept me frozen in my place. I knew that what I was about to see was inevitable. I turned around and walked to Chris's crib. I took her in my arms and walked out of the bedroom to Lex's room.
The moment Lex saw me with Chris she knew something had happened. I walked to her bed and rested Chris in the middle between us then I pulled out the covers and slid in. I laid my hand on the pillow and rested both Chris's and Lex's heads on it and hugged them both. I felt Lex's hand searching for mine in the darkness so I reached out and held her tightly as if me pressing on her hand will take away the fact that her mother is dying in the other room.
°°°°°°
"You'll never be her"
"You'll never be her"
I'll never be her, I don't wanna ever be her.
Usually, I never put too much thought into what Caterina says but, the thought of me ... Being like our mother... Stuck a while longer in my head.
"You look a little bit like her"
Do I look like her?
I looked at the blade in my hand and stared at my reflection. I don't know what is it but, my hand started shaking and my chest tighten. I laid back my head and tried to stop whatever that was happening to me, what the hell is wrong with me? What's happening?.
I opened my eyes to find my surroundings blurry. am I crying?
My throat suddenly went dry and it got harder to catch my breath. my hand tightened on the knife while the other around the arm of my armchair and the only thing that pulled me out of this was the sound of my knife hitting the door.
I crushed back on my chair grabbing my chest tightly, only the knock on the door got me to fix myself quickly.
"Come in" I said trying my best not to sound... Whatever the hell it just happened to me.
"Rafael.." I breathed.
I walked towards him feeling the urge to run instead of walking and the moment I reached him, I threw my arms around his neck.
I don't know how to describe Rafael to you, he is... My fresh air. He was the one I run to for help, he knows everything about me and my .... Situation.
At first, Rafael didn't know what to do but to keep me by his side and that's why he convinced my father to let me work with him. He helped me in his own way, and that was by making me busy. he wasn't good with words and that's ok for me I just needed him to explain these... Things that happen to me from time to time.
"I see you had a rough day" he said brushing his hand on my hair.
I didn't answer and just took a deep breath, taking in his metal woody smell.
"Don't tell me" he said lifting my chin " Caterina ?"
I simply nodded.
"what's up with her ?" He asked.
I pulled myself away from him and walked back to my chair not knowing where to start.
He walked back to the door and pulled out my knife.
"And it's getting serious!" He said pointing to the knife "what did she say?"
I needed a few seconds to calm myself before talking.
"She said I'm trying to replace..." I couldn't finish it and I didn't want his gray eyes on me when I'm going to talk about her so I turned the chair to face the window behind me.
"Em.."
"She hates me taking care of her or any of the girls " I said turning my chair to face him again "she said no one asked me to take care of them and I should just be who I am and that's a sister"
"And?"
" Now that I got alone, her words got stuck in my head... suddenly My throat dried, my vision went blurry and my heart started beating like .... I'm running" I said leaning on my elbows "and I started to shake like an old lady!"
"It can't be just because of that" he said sitting across from me "she must've said something else that got you .... Frustrated"
"That's not angry?" I asked frowning.
"Tell me what she truly said" he said rubbing his palm with his other hand.
"She said... I look like.." My throat dried again.
He didn't say anything for a while and just laid back on the chair.
"Do I ? " I asked with my head between my hands "do I look like her?"
"Is it that bad if you do?" He asked back.
"Yes" I said my voice coming out a little louder than I wanted it to be " I know I have her hair and I just want the similarities between us to end there"
"Well it's not" he said with a steady tone " you have her eyes, her face... You're basically her when she was your age"
He wasn't doing a good job calming me down.
"What are you saying?" I asked.
"Looking like her doesn't mean you're her" he said leaning forward " and what happened to her won't necessary will happen to you, you are different, you shouldn't be bothered by it"
"I don't even know what I'm feeling and you want me to control it?"
"Let me talk to Cate " he said "I'll put things straight"
"No" I said firmly "I already set things straight"
"What did you do?" He asked his eyes changing.
A very horrible thing.
" I just told her I don't care"
And neither her mother did.
"Emilia" he said looking down "I want to talk to you about something"
"What?"
"We can't keep doing this"
" why?"
"You need to see someone more professional, someone knows this stuff"
"But I can't trust anybody"
"You don't have to! all you have to do is be there and she'll help you"
"She?"
"You know..." he said biting his lips which means he's about to share one of his secrets
" Years ago I had problems similar to you, I knew I needed help so I searched for someone who is far and 100% trustworthy and I did find one and I promise you" he said holding my hand " she will help you"
I know he cares about me and he truly wants to help me, but I can't just let go of everything and go to therapy.
"I can't" I said pulling my hand " what about the house and work "
"The house can stand without you for a few hours and I can control the work for you "
"But dad.."
"I can handle him as well, just say yes! I really want to help you Em"
I want to be helped too.
So I agreed, and if Rafael this sure about this woman I really have to trust her or else it'll be pointless.