We humans are so tortured
By not properly guessing
What will make us happy
-Atticus
***
I sit in the clinic hallway, staring at the tiled floor.
Grandma walks out, her face blank as she slowly sits next to me.
My foot bounces on the floor, waiting impatiently for her words.
"Well?"
She jumps, startled out of her own reality as she enters mine.
"What?"
"Dad...how is he...?"
Grandma stands, looking down at me. "Soraya. I've seen a lot of challenges. But never...I never have seen such an underhanded way..."
I hold my hand out before she can say anymore.
"There are no rules in the fight. That much is clear. Only the ones people have constructed in their minds and made to believe that should be followed. I did nothing wrong."
"You really think that?"
Grandma is looking at me now with new eyes. Eyes that stare down at me in silent disbelief.
I stand, glaring down at her.
"The world is not black and white Grandma. It doesn't have to be done the way you see it. No. I did nothing wrong. So don't make me think that I'm the one at fault."
I move closer, "tell me how dad is already."
Grandma takes a wary step back, "he'll recover. He's healing already. Vincent also."
I scoff, "I don't care about Vincent."
Grandma's eyes harden, "Soraya somethings wrong with-,"
"I know that. I can smell something off about him. But it's not my fault."
I take a step back, crossing my arms to shield myself away from her blue eyes that match my own.
"I'm Alpha."
"Yes."
Grandma's tone has me looking at her, taking her in anger and mistrust.
"Are you proud?"
She sharply inhales, a defeated look entering her eyes, "not like this Soraya. It shouldn't have been like this."
She turns around, walking down the hall to reenter dad's room.
I stand there, alone, staring at the empty space.
I turn then, my steps to aggressive as I walk out of the clinic. Henry is there, waiting for me. A tan wolf sits beside him. They both are leaned against the side of the building.
"Soraya," I turn at Henry's call, but my eyes land on the tan wolf. He looks up at me in concern, those grey eyes evaluating my face as I turn away to look up at Henry.
"What?"
"There are some things we need to establish now that you are in charge of the Alba Rosa pack."
I still, "like what?"
Henry only smiles, "you need to call and let the other packs know. They have to be made aware of the change in leadership. And you have to learn the procedure of the pack."
"How do you know it?"
Henry shrugs, "I watched your dad and Lilah these past few years."
I nod, walking back to the pack house. The tan wolf brushes against my side. Only briefly do I let my hands stray down his back, before I pull away.
The next few days are chaos.
Calls from various packs, learnings of the inner functions of the pack.
It's a transition I had never considered, and one that I knew now dad had been trying to warn me of. I take it all on though, spending sleepless nights in the office that use to be his.
Calling Alpha's that now call me Alpha Soraya.
Looking at paperwork that dad use to look at.
I sigh, leaning back against the chair and looking at the chipped away image of the painted moon that had been drawn upon one of the handles to the desk drawers.
A knock sounds then.
"Come in."
Orion peeks his head around the door. I smile. Within this past week, I had seen little of him.
He slowly enters, closing the door behind him.
"Are you coming to bed?"
I shake my head, "no...I have more things to do."
He moves forward, looking down at the mass of paper work that is loaded on the desk.
"Do you need help?"
"I'm good."
He moves around the desk and chair, stopping behind me. I groan when his hands start massaging my shoulders.
"You need to rest...how is your back?"
"It's fine."
The answer comes out too quick.
Orion pokes my spine, sending a hiss of pain to escape through my teeth.
"I knew it...you were hit a lot there..."
His words trail off as he continues to softly move his thumbs in slow circles along the back of my neck.
We sit in silence until he breaks it, saying, "You're so busy. I haven't had a chance to tell you something."
"What is it Orion," I stare down at the paperwork, my mind boggled down with how tired I was.
I start at the feel of his lips tracing my ear, as he whispers, "I'm proud of how strong my mate is."
I still at his words. Slowly I turn the chair around to face him. He smiles down at me, placing both his hands on the armrests as he leans forward and kisses me.
My hands cup his face. I can't help but laugh as I twist my fingers through his beard, "you need a trim."
His smile only widens.
"You're proud?"
He gets on his knees in front of me, resting his head in my lap. I stroke the tangled curls. Slowly he turns his face, letting his chin rest in my palm as he kisses the other one.
"I'm proud."
He leans forward, his hands resting on the waistband of my pants as a wicked grin graces his face.
I shake my head, laughing, "Is this what you came in here for?"
He shrugs, an innocent look coming across him.
I register the pain in my back, wondering if it overruled the other sensation I felt. Looking down at Orion, I knew the clear answer.
Power surged into me. Dominance.
Orion's eyes slowly are growing darker and darker, and a vague thought comes into my mind of how dad could hold all this power and reign in desire at the same time. It's not something I would feel comfortable asking, but my emotions were everywhere.
I wanted everything.
I needed everything.
Having Alpha blood already made that fact known, but now with the titled added, the surge for more was clear and there.
How did you hold together such power and balance it out?
I wish someone could tell me.
Because in this moment, it wasn't the desire of fur overriding skin. Skin always won out in the end. The lust for it always would be more powerful.
My hands move towards the armrests of the chair, lifting my hips for Orion to slowly move the waistband down my legs.
"Males become drunk off of your scent," Orion whispers to me.
"And are you drunk?"
"Intoxicated."
I smile at the single word.
Orion smiles with me. I help him lower the last piece of my clothing to my ankles. He shakes his head at the sight it brings, but my only response is to wrap my legs around his neck and draw him closer.
* * *
I stare up at the desk, idly twisting a strand of Orion's hair between my fingers.
"Do you have a lot of work?"
A long sigh leaves me as I look away from the waiting stack of papers.
"Yes."
I glance at him, watching as those thoughtful grey eyes stared up at the ceiling.
He turns to me, meeting my eyes. I prop my head to stare down at him, still holding a loose strand of his hair. He glances up, smiling as he watches me play with it.
"Truth for a lie?"
I shake my head. I hated this game, but still gave in.
"You first."
He closes his eyes as I run my fingers down his chest. I feet his heart beat pick up, the slightest hitch coming into his breath from the sensation of skin running across skin.
There is a silence before he speaks.
"I didn't expect Vincent to be like that."
His words take my by surprise.
"How did you expect him to be?"
Orion opens his eyes, smiling and shaking his head, "your turn."
Frustrated, I sigh and think, letting my gaze wander with my fingers.
"I like this game."
A barked laugh leaves him.
He waits for me, letting me have my time in thinking of a truth. I know what I need to tell him.
"There's this tea... I wanted to tell you but I...I drank it after our..." I clear my throat, realizing just how jumbled my thoughts were. "It's a tea that prevents my body from having a pup whenever we mate."
Orion sits up with me.
"Do you not like the idea?"
"No...it's not that. It's hard to explain..." I try to gather my words, twisting them in my mind to determine how best to say what I needed to. It hits me then that I don't need to say anything. I could show him.
"Orion. Tell the nursey you have to go somewhere...I need to go and visit the other packs to establish my credence as Alpha, but there's something also I can show you."
He turns his head to the side, his question obvious. But I only lean forward and lightly kiss him.
"It will explain everything."
* * *
Dad does not bother to knock.
I guess it would be strange to knock on a door that has technically been years for over twenty years.
His face holds obvious surprise as he sees me sitting at the desk that is no longer his.
We stare at each other in silence. The tension slowly rises until he steps forward and stiffly sits in the seat across from me.
There is another silence before he clears his throat. "You...you're adjusting well?"
"Yes."
A stiffness enters both of us. I can tell he wants to say more. I'm waiting in anticipation for him to bring up what had happened. For him to mention how I had gained the title from him. Pried it away. But he only sits up, back straight as he stares out the window. "You already met with the pack?"
I nod, "I've gone to every member and talked to them."
"They are accepting?"
I still, trying to not let the pause become too long so that he would create his own answer in response to it. The pack was split. Some opposed the change. There were multiple reasons. I thought it came down to how I had won the title, but later as Henry and I met in the office for the first time, he had whispered that opposition was arriving in response to having a female Alpha.
The other half of the pack were accepting.
I had, in their eyes, always been a protector.
Now, I was finally entering that role with a title to go along to what they saw me as.
The transition was smoother than what anyone would have anticipated.
This whole week I had waited, tense and ready for challengers to come to the pack house.
But none came.
"Yes."
He raises his hand to run his fingers through his hair- a habit that causes him to wince as he pulls the stitches from his side. I bite the side of my cheek, holding in the question of concern I wanted to ask.
He sees it. To my surprise though, he only laughs.
"Soraya, trust me- this is nothing."
My eyes widen in surprise to his admission.
He only laughs again, "Challenges for Alpha usually end with one standing and the other dead." He does not mince his words. Instead, he delivers them cold and bluntly.
"Jay...well his Alpha challenge...."
I had never heard of Grandjay's challenge. I lean my head to the side, curious as dad confesses, "He broke his father's legs and ripped all his teeth out."
"Wha..."
Dad quickly changes the subject, away from the horrible contrasting knowledge that I suddenly knew of Grandjay.
"When I challenged Jay, I thought...it seemed very close is all I will say. So don't be concerned."
"I wasn't concerned."
He smiles and only looks out the window again.
"You're going to make many choices now Soraya."
Something about his tone catches me off guard. It takes me a second to register the change.
He wasn't talking to me like I was his daughter.
He was talking to me Alpha to former Alpha.
"The pack goes first. It always goes first. And some won't understand that."
"I understand that."
His gaze falls back to me as he evaluates, "Maybe."
My teeth clench together as he continues.
"Being Alpha is not a glorious thing. You bear the weight of everyone. You carry the pack's pain, their grief, and hardships. You feel and experience it so that they don't have to."
A heavy feeling settles inside me. Yes. Yes, but I knew that. I had realized it at the age of twelve when I first became a 'woman' in mom's words. I realized that as I was separated with a different list of expectations and held to a different level all because of the gender I had been assigned to at birth. It had hit me then, as I watched Vincent- that there were things that came first while others went second.
"Do you know what I am talking about?"
"I do."
"Does your mate?"
"Orion will understand."
"You picked a hard life Soraya. I didn't want this for you because of the hardships but...you have never listened to me." His smile twists into something dark, "I tried. I failed. And now I live with the consequences."
He stands and walks out. My hands ball into fists upon the desk as I process his words.
I knew now, that he still was acting like the Alpha.
He still was thinking that the weight of all those souls rested only on him.
And that included me.