We drove home in near silence. We'd watched the ocean for hours until the luminescence in the water eventually began to fade. At one stage we'd removed our shoes and strolled along the water's edge braving chilled toes. The glowing footsteps we'd left behind were eerie.
We were almost home when I turned to Matt as we drove. "Thank you for showing me that," I said.
"Thank you for coming with me." He smiled without looking at me as he concentrated on driving. "It's Steph we should really be thanking, she gave me the heads up."
"Maybe we should but you were the one who drove down here so I'm thanking you." I wanted to reach across and touch him in some way but I kept my hands firmly fixed in my lap.
He risked a quick glance at me and there was a laugh in his voice as he said, "So then the real hero is my Mom for agreeing to look after the boys for the night."
"She is," I agreed, "You'd better do something nice for her on Mother's Day."
"It's going to be a busy weekend with the show, Syn's kid's party, Mother's Day. I don't know how we're going to fit it all in," Matt frowned. "Lucky Michelle is having her parents, Brian's parents, my parents, Steph's parents, Brian and Steph and, of course, us at her place on Sunday afternoon."
It took me a couple of moments to connect all the dots and remember that they were all family in one way or another. That's how long it took for me to feel uncomfortable - like I'd be intruding – a moment or two.
"I can stay behind with the boys and help Michelle prepare," I offered even though the idea made me feel uncomfortable.
"No!" Matt exclaimed turning to look at me for a fraction too long before he returned his eyes to the road. "No," he continued in a calmer voice, "I'm not comfortable leaving the boys behind yet. Definitely not when I'm coming home to a party."
"Okay." I could see his point. The car returned to silence but it wasn't the comfortable, companionable silence that we'd enjoyed at other times through the evening. There was tension brewing in the darkness. Things we both wanted to say or ask but for one reason or another we were holding back. Eventually as we were pulling into the driveway I couldn't hold back any longer. Matt had just killed the engine and was opening his door when I asked, "You don't need me at the party though right? I don't have to go?"
He froze, one foot out of the car, and looked at me in confusion. "Well, it's not compulsory so no, you don't have to go, but I want you there. It's Mother's Day. A family day. My kids don't have their mom anymore but they have their grandmothers and they have their princess. I don't even know if you're Ariel or Buttercup at the moment, but you've helped them to be without their mom so they should be celebrating you as well." His sincerity made my heart break.
I flung my door open and hopped quickly out of the car. My back was to Matt as I said, "But I'm not a mum Matt." I hated the way my voice broke over the words. I hunched my shoulders and hurried toward the front door. Behind me Matt made a sound of frustration. He followed me into the house and caught at my arm when I tried to turn away into my room, instead he led me into the family room and had me on the sofa a glass of whisky in my hand before he turned infinitely kind eyes on me and asked, "How old was your baby Sunshine?"
It felt like he'd cut my chest open. I looked down at the ice cube circling my glass and forced out an answer. "My baby didn't even get an age Matt. My baby didn't even get to be registered as ever having existed. She was classified as a miscarriage. I never even got to hold her."
The look of compassion on his face burned so bright I couldn't bear to look at him. I took too large a swig of whisky and choked as the alcohol burned.
"Shit Sunshine," Matt said softly and taking the glass from my hand he placed it on the coffee table before wrapping his arms around me.
"I woke up after that car accident and my baby was gone and Tim was in a coma. Fuck," I gave a bitter little laugh, "I sound like an overly dramatic soap opera episode."
"No you don't honey, you sound like a good person who's had shit things happen." Matt smoothed a hand over my hair. "I'm sorry but I'm not going to let you be alone on Mother's Day. I don't want to. If it helps any Mel and Aaron will be there. They know everything right? That's why you were going to work on their boat?" I nodded against his chest. "Then I'm pretty sure they'd show up on the doorstep to check on you if you don't come to the party."
I sighed. He was right. They would.
Unable to resist the comfort of his embrace I wrapped my arms around his waist. He felt good. Solid. Alive.
Later when we were curled up together in my bed I whispered into the darkness, "Thank you again for tonight. For everything."
Matt's lips brushed against my ear as he murmured in response, "I'll always be here for you Sunshine. We've got to help each other." His arms tightened around me. I wanted to bottle that moment and keep it forever because soon enough Matt and I were going to have to end our strange little habit of sleeping in the same bed. One of these days he was going to find a woman that he wanted to share a bed with to do more than just sleep and I was almost certain that woman wasn't going to be me. He was out of my league. Matt was a great friend and a great guy, one of the best, but he could get a woman that was so much more compatible to him than I was. You only had to take a look at who Val had been. Stylish, funny, cool , mostly blonde and, in what was probably the biggest red flag for statuesque me, physically tiny. I was a tall, curvy, redheaded, good girl art teacher with an unhealthy interest in creating Pinterest boards of tattooed bad boys. We had personal tragedy in common but that was about it.
I may have been a good girl but I wasn't a saint and I sure as heck wasn't smart. For as long as it lasted I was going to fall asleep in Matt's arms every night, I'd face reality when eventually the night came that Matt didn't crawl into bed beside me.
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Our trip that weekend played out much like our previous trip. With a couple of key differences. This time Matt didn't even give Steph the chance to snag a seat next to me, he took it and that was that. This time I didn't watch the show and stayed in the hotel with the Stallyns. Most importantly this time when Matt forcibly picked me up out of the second bed in the Stallyns room and carried me through the interconnecting door to his bed I didn't wind up with a black eye. I did however end up with a raging case of sexual frustration.
It was as if Matt exuded M Shadows pheromones when he was on stage and they'd somehow clung to him as he'd made his way back to the hotel. I wanted to rub all over him like an overly amorous cat. I wanted to high five myself for not rolling over and having my way with him once we were snuggled up next to each other.
"No partying tonight?" I murmured as his hand snaked around my waist.
"I have minimal interest in watching Brian and Steph indulge in one to many shots before engaging in an embarrassing public make out session." His palm stroked back and forth across my ribs, perilously and tantalisingly close to my boobs. God I wished he'd touch my boobs.
"Brooks will keep them in line," my breath hitched as his finger glanced against the curve of my left boob.
"He'll be busy stopping Zacky and Johnny from killing each other. I don't know what's going on with Zacky at the moment but he's in a shit mood and Johnny can't resist needling him. I've played umpire all day and now I need sleep. We've got an early start tomorrow. Goodnight Sunshine." Matt dropped a kiss to the curve of my neck where it met my shoulder. It was impossible to supress the shudder of longing that ran through my body.
"Goodnight Matt," I said and hoped that I was the only one that could hear the longing in my voice.
When we stepped off the plane the next day Matt's car was waiting and he herded me and the Stallyns inside.
"Where are we going Daddy?" one of the boys asked when we turned into the gate of what was clearly a cemetery. My heart sank. I could guess exactly where we were and why we were there and I wished I could be anywhere else.
"Remember when I told you that Mommy wasn't going to be coming home anymore and that she was buried near daddy's friends Jimmy and King?" He glanced into the rear vision mirror to see them nod. "Well we're going to visit her and bring her some flowers." I'd noticed a bunch of flowers in the back of the car when we loaded our bags but had assumed he'd gotten someone to pick them up for him so he could give them to his mother later.
When we parked and all were out of the car, me somewhat reluctantly, he took a Stallyn's hand in each of his and began to lead them across the grass. I trailed behind carrying the flowers. When Matt and the boys drew to halt in front of a plaque in the grass I handed him the flowers before asking him the question that had been playing across my mind since he'd said the name King.
"Did you say Ryan's buried here?" I asked softly.
He looked at me for a couple of seconds before a look of sympathy crossed his face. "Yeah, he is. Just down there." He pointed a couple of rows down.
"Thanks, I'll leave you to your visit," I said and made my way down to pay my respects to my first crush, the guy who'd warned me off guys like Matt.
Eventually I found the plaque I was looking for. Neither Steph not Mel and Aaron had ever told what they'd had written for Ryan so when I read the words tears sprang into my eyes at the same time I choked out a soft laugh.
Ryan McInerney. Beloved son. Beloved Brother. Beloved Lover of Many.
The music in his heart will never fade away so always set the volume on eleven.
God, that just summed Ryan up so well. Not caring if the ground was cold I dug my hands into my jacket pockets and sank down cross legged to tell Ryan about my life.
"Hey Ryan, it's me Caitlin. Chips," I added with a begrudging smile, "So the plan for me to avoid guys like you worked out pretty well for me. Until it didn't but I'm going to guess, hope really, that you already know that. So seeing as you already know I'm an idiot I'm going to tell you what nobody else knows," I sighed and looked up at where Matt and the Stallyns were still tending to Val's grave. "I've gone and done exactly what you said I shouldn't. I've fallen for a tatted up musician. Even worse, he's my boss. Probably even worse than that, he's your friend and his best friend is your sister's boyfriend. What a monumental disaster."
I sat in silence for a while as I imagined all the ways Ryan would have possibly responded if he'd been around. I covered everything from dismayed concern to good natured laughter all the way up to threats to bash Matt's face in. None of my imaginary responses mattered though because Ryan wasn't around and I felt a tear streak down my cheek. I also faced up to the fact that my childhood crush on Ryan had felt nothing like what I now felt for Matt. I was slowly coming to the realisation that my feelings for Matt were more than a crush and that I may well have been falling genuinely in love with him. I felt like the idiot I'd just told Ryan I was. My heart was going to get smashed into a billion little pieces and there wasn't a damn thing I was going to do to stop it.
I dashed the back of my hand across my eyes, the tears were making my vision blurry. When I could focus again I saw Matt and the Stallyns making their way across the turf toward me. I scrambled to my feet. "Ready to go?" I asked when they were close enough that I didn't need to shout. Matt didn't answer but kept walking until he was right in front of me. I dropped my head to look at the ground and was thankful I'd left my hair loose as I hid behind it. I was embarrassed to be caught crying. Matt reached out and gently tilted my face up before brushing his thumbs across my tear stained cheeks.
"Don't be sad Sunshine," he said.
"Are you crying Princess Buttercup?" one of the Stallyns chimed in. It was impossible to answer him. What was I going to say – yeah I am pal but not because my friend is buried here in the cold ground, I'm crying because I'm in love with your dad – wouldn't that go down a treat?
"Hey buddy?" Matt turned to the Stallyn in question, "You know how Mommy is buried over there where we were just at and how my friend Jimmy is buried a little bit over?" Both Stallyns nodded at that. "Well Caitie and I had a friend called King and he's buried here so she's a little bit sad."
"Don't worry Buttercup," piped up a Stallyn, "Jimmy will look after King like he's looking after Mommy. So you don't need to cry, he'll be okay."
If anything made me want to bawl like a baby it was that sweet little kid trying to cheer me up. Matt swallowed hard and bent down to squeeze his son in a hug.
"Thanks pal," I forced out a smile.
"Let's go," Matt said in a rough voice as he stood and slid one of his hands into mine. We walked back to the car that way. Matt was holding my hand and he and I each held hands with a Stallyn. When things went pear shaped I wasn't going to just lose Matt I was going to lose his adorable boys as well.