I felt like I was being irrational. For all I knew, that Aspyn girl was lying.
Oh, Harry. The last time you brought me in for interrogation, we fucked over this very table. Don't try and pretend like you don't want me. I can see it in your eyes. Drop your little bitch and come back to me. I can make you feel so good again--just like I used to.
No, she wasn't lying.
But should I be crying right now? Should I be feeling as if my entire world was crumbling down, the fragments stabbing at my already battered heart?
I felt as if my footsteps echoed loudly as I walked, and everyone's eyes were attached to me as if they were magnets and I was metal. I hated the feel of so many stares, and especially when I had tears splattered across my face.
I wasn't sure where exactly I was going to go. Anywhere but here.
"Alice!" Or not.
My feet automatically sped up, but when I heard his footsteps pounding the ground behind me, I broke out into a run. I had never been known for having any type of decent speed or long legs, so I should have expected that he would catch up so easily.
His large hand wrapped around my wrist and suddenly I was being pulled back into him. I shoved his chest away from me, glaring heavily up at him. "What?" I snapped harshly, the anger in my system driving me forward.
"Where are you going?" Harry murmured, his tone soft as he reached for me again, only to have his hand slapped bitterly away.
"I-I want to go home," I mumbled back, my voice making it quite obvious that I was crying.
"Okay," Harry nodded in agreement, much to my surprise. "I'll have Zayn take you back to the house. I might be here for a few hours--"
"No," I cut him off. "I want to go back to myhouse. I never should have come back to you."
The hurt in his eyes was evident, and it made my stomach twist uncomfortably. Shit happens. Things get fucked up. But I know that Harry cares for you... Ed's voice rang in my mind, over and over again, repeating that even he, someone who wasn't quite as high up in Harry's gang, knew that Harry cared about me, and that was the first time he'd ever seen us interact with one another. I could see him and the boys leaning against the far wall, watching the exchange, and Ed was shaking his head in... disappointment?
I expected Harry to blow up, but once again he surprised me, his body taking an automatic step forward so that he could place his hands on either side of my face. My body froze. "What did I do wrong?" he asked quietly.
"You..." Harry hadn't actually done anything wrong, but I could practically feel the adrenaline running through my veins, egging me on. "Do you know how badly it hurts to watch you and your little fuck buddy have a conversation? To know that she'syour leverage?"
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Are you jealous?"
"Jealous?" I repeated angrily, my jaw dropping open as I forced his hands away from my face. "Maybe... maybe I am, but you know what I really am? I'm pissed off! The past year I haven't slept with anybody--I haven't even kissed anyone! I missed you so much that I could barely hug anyone else! I get that you're a guy and sex is practically vital to you--but I thought it was all one-night-stands! I didn't know you had some girl waiting for you to call her up just for a quick fuck whenever you wanted!"
I was fuming. I didn't think I'd ever felt so angry. Harry was staring at me as if I'd just gone insane, and I knew that everybody was taking in the exchange as well. And then something sparked in Harry's eyes, and I knew that he was mad too.
"Don't you dare try to blame this on me," he snapped, towering over me in his fury. I felt very small, but I held my ground, staring up into his dark glare. "It's not my fucking fault that you're too messed up in the head to fuck anyone."
He had done it.
He had said the words that he knew would hurt me, and there wasn't a hint of remorse to his expression. The tension in the room was almost palpable now, but my anger was deflating. I suddenly felt very empty, but I knew I had enough in me to say one last thing.
I got on my tiptoes so that I could look at Harry's face better. He was like a stone.
"I'm messed up?" I whispered quietly, yet I knew that every single person could hear in the silence of the once bustling room. "Because I wouldn't fuck anyone?"
"It's not my fault Seth messed you up," he spat again, but I felt like he was saying this to himself more than me now, as if he had to assure himself that it wasn't he who had done this to me. "You can't blame your problems on everyone else all the time, Alice! Fuck!"
"I'm not blaming anything on you!" I yelled suddenly, angry that he had even said that. Angry that he was being so cruel. Angry that he had even brought me here. It had become painfully obvious that, despite my hopes that things between us were becoming okay again--they really weren't.
"I'm done with you!" he finally snapped out. "I'm done with having to fucking worry about you all the time and I'm done with trying to pretend it's okay. Go the fuck home if you want! Get killed! Youknow that people are after you, but fuck it. Who cares? It's not like I care. I've got Aspyn anyway so why in the hell would I care about you?"
"Harry!" The indignant sound came from Louis, who was stalking forward with Zayn in tow. Niall and Liam remained behind, speaking lowly to Ed.
I felt like Harry had just slapped me across the face. The tears were already pooling in my eyes, and I felt utterly broken inside. How could he say that to me? How could he go from spending Christmas with me to telling me that he doesn't care?
"What the fuck are you--"
"I hate you." The words slipped past my lips quietly, but Zayn cut off what he was about to say, both he and Louis turning to stare at me as if I were crazy. Harry's eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?" he raised an eyebrow.
"I hate you so much," I mumbled sadly, shaking my head as I stared at the ground. The anger was still in my system, but it was simmering down. All I felt was pathetic, used, and depressed.
"Alice--"
"Just stop!" I cried out, my head whipping up to stare at him. He looked torn now. "I get it, okay? I'm messed up in the head! I'm not good enough for you! You don't care! I understand. You don't have to say anything else!"
"Alice, just fucking shut up for a minute!" Harry growled. I fell silent, shaking my head again. I couldn't look up at Harry. I was too upset. Too hurt. But his fingers lifted my chin, his gaze unwavering.
"Do you trust me?"
I frowned, utterly confused at his question. "W-what?"
"Do you trust me?" he repeated. It seemed so out-of-the-blue, but it had me thinking. Did I trust Harry? I couldn't be entirely sure. I obviously had to trust him on some level seeing as I was sleeping in his house and was under his protection, but there were several categories where I couldn't rely on Harry, purely because I didn't trust him in that sense.
"Yes and no," I voiced my internal dilemma, curious now as to what he wanted this information for, especially right now. My trust in him had nothing to do with what he had just said. It didn't matter if I could sleep next to him and feel safe--I couldn't let him in and feel the same way. But how did this apply to our situation?
"Come with me," he finally said after a long pause. He turned abruptly, moving hastily past Zayn and Louis, who seemed to catch on to whatever he was doing.
"You're fucking insane, mate!" Zayn grimly spoke as I struggled to keep up with Harry's strides. He stopped abruptly, and I nearly fell into him.
"Speak to me like that one more time, Malik, and I'll slit your throat," he said, his voice low and dangerous. My eyes were glued to his face, and I watched as his head tilted slightly to the left, Zayn mimicking him. My eyes widened as I realized that Harry was only using this threat because if he didn't, what would it say to the rest of those who acted within his gang? How would it look if he was letting Zayn off the hook for what he had said? It was clear that only those who were closest to Harry could talk to him a certain way.
Harry was back to walking, and my curiosity overrode my anger as we passed by the room we had previously been in. The office had resumed it's normal chatter, but I heard several people remark about what had just happened. I tried to ignore them.
In the corner of the room there was a simple glass door, and inside a staircase that spiraled upwards, disappearing into the ceiling. Hesitantly, I allowed my legs to move after Harry's, fear setting into my mind as our feet clanged against the metal steps.He won't hurt me.
At the top of the stairs there was a short hall, leading off into a room. Harry pushed open the door, allowing me to step in first. I could tell immediately that this was Harry's own private office.
It was a sizable, square room. The walls were a deep red trimmed in white, matching the dark desk sat across from where we stood. A large, leather chair was situated behind the work space, which was littered with several papers and a closed laptop. Two uncomfortable-looking chairs sat on the other side of the desk.
A wide window behind Harry's chair provided light into the room, and I could see the bustling city of London if I looked out.
Harry didn't offer for me to sit, instead wrapping one large hand loosely around my wrist and leading me around to his desk, where he released me as he sat down. I shifted uncomfortably on my feet, uncertain, while Harry rummaged through a drawer. He held up a manila folder, examining the title on the front for a moment, before standing, and offering for me to take the seat.
I hesitated, meeting his gaze, and he nodded. With a sigh, I sat where he was once situated, and he handed me the folder, leaning against the wall as he waited for my hands to open it.
I was reluctant. I didn't understand what Harry was showing me, but I could only guess that it wasn't the best thing in the world, considering Zayn had called him 'fucking insane' for revealing it to me.
Then I was confused.
Inside were about ten photographs, and I recognized who the person in them was immediately. Her dark red hair wasn't exactly something you saw everyday, and the clear smirk on her face in nearly every picture confirmed who it was.
Aspyn was deliberately posing, her breasts and flat stomach on full display in the various shots of her in green lingerie. Each picture was signed with her name on the side, with a 'just for you, Harry' in tow. It made my blood boil, and I was immediately flipping the manila folder shut and shoving it onto the desk, uncaring that a few random papers fluttered to the floor.
"Why would you show me that?" I whispered. I hated the way every emotion I was feeling was laced into my words: obvious pain, sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy.
"To prove to you that I do care, and that I wasn't fucking around with Aspyn because I cared for her," he explained, but I was still lost. How did these pictures prove anything?
"I don't understand."
"Aspyn was a call girl," he elaborated. "I was bored one night and I had been out drinking. There were plenty of girls that I could have taken home, and most of them were willing, but I didn't want to deal with the whole hassle of how old they were or if their parents or roommates might be home. So I arranged for a call girl, since picking up a prostitute didn't seem entirely ideal.
"Aspyn showed up, and at the end of it all, she gave me one of those pictures. Told me I could 'wank off to it' and that, each time I came back, I'd get another one." He rubbed a hand over his face as if this particular topic of discussion stressed him out, but continued nonetheless.
"I was a lonely, twenty-year-old man who had too much money and some girl giving me half-naked pictures of herself in exchange for coming back. So I did. Ten times. After that tenth one, she found me at a club and wanted to start up a sort of friends with benefits thing, since she was dropping being a call girl."
I held no expression on my face, no indication of the array of emotions flitting inside of me.
"I agreed, because it seemed like a good offer. Aspyn wasn't some bubbly girl I met at a bar that needed me to cuddle and love her. She wanted sex, and I wanted sex, and it worked... but then she started getting attached." He sighed, looking rather frustrated now as he recalled the time when this happened.
"She wanted more out of me than I was willing to give. She wanted to be with me. She told me that she wanted people to know that she was mine and I was hers, but there was one flaw with what she wanted. I was yours." He moved forward slowly before settling into one of the hard-backed chairs across from me, his elbows resting on the glistening wood of the desk.
"I could have sex with other girls, because all there was was lust, but I couldn't do anything else, because then other feelings got involved, and I was unable to provide those. They were only for you. In short, Aspyn was pissed off, and when she got pissed off, she started running her mouth. I found out that she was Sykes's daughter."
My eyes widened. That was the last thing that I had been expecting.
Harry nodded. "I was angry. Of all the girls I could have picked up, I had the one that was in relation to a psychopath. I denied her request to be together, and I tried to carry on with my life, but she wasn't giving up easily. She shot one of my men, and when I arrived on the scene, she was happy to find that I would be taking her.
"I didn't really understand it at first. I all but threw her into the interrogation room. The boys were out dealing with things, so we were alone. She got me so angry, Alice, you have no idea..." He tugged at a few of his curls before meeting my gaze. "She wasn't lying when she said that I fucked her over that table, because I did, but I was pissed off. I let out every messed up emotion I had. I wasn't even myself. I barely remember it, really, but I never slept with her again after that, and after awhile, she just sort of disappeared.
"But I swear to you that I don't care for her in the slightest," his smooth talking had vanished all of a sudden, leaving him to stumble slightly over his words as if he was afraid of getting them out in the wrong way. "When I get mad, I do stupid shit, as you know, and I'm sorry that I said that. My heart belongs to you, Alice, whether you choose to keep it or not. I might have gotten some while we were apart, but all I ever wanted was you."
I found myself reaching forward, our fingers entwining over the desk. Harry breathed out a soft sigh, his eyes gently shutting as he slowly shook his head back and forth, as if he couldn't truly grasp onto what he was saying. "It's always you. It's always been you."
I didn't know how to feel about this. Harry's honesty proved to be something of a wonder to me right now. He had willingly explained who Aspyn was, and what he had done with her. He hadn't sugarcoated it. He had been straightforward, and for some reason, I found myself admiring this.
"I don't hate you," I whispered suddenly. Harry reopened his eyes, dark green meeting light blue. "I say things when I'm mad too... things that I don't mean."
"You can hate me," he replied quietly. "I'd understand."
I sighed, shaking my head as I removed myself from the big seat. I rounded the desk, and Harry pulled back the other plastic chair for me to sit in, but I shook my head, moving instead to occupy Harry's lap. He seemed a bit surprised by this, but welcomed me nonetheless, he's arms encircling me as I stared at him.
"That's the problem, Harry," I replied. "No matter what I do, no matter how much I want to, I can't find it in me to hate you. I say I do, but even as I speak the words I know that I'm not being honest... why can't I hate you?" My question was a whisper, and I was being serious. It wasn't rhetorical. Why couldn't I bring myself to hate Harry?
He had hurt me. He had shattered my minimal amount of self-confidence, crushed it between his large hands. But he had also loved me. He had made me feel as if nothing else mattered but us two, as if we could just forget about the rest of the world and focus on each other.
He was the good and the bad, the dark and the light, the innocence and the dangerous, all mixed into one chaotic mess. He was a beautiful disaster.
"I want to hate you," I mumbled, and I saw his eyes dart to my lips, his face drawing closer. "I want to hate you so badly... but I don't think that I can. It's like you're a part of me, and I can't get you out, no matter how hard I try."
Harry's eyes looked like they were on fire, a mixture of both adoration and determination as he spoke three words that crumbled any will or want of mine to continue in my desperate conquest to get Harry out of my system.
"Then stop trying."
He pressed his lips to mine softly, the simple touch fluttering a dozen of emotions within me. I didn't want Harry to be able to reawaken such beautiful feelings. We were opposites. We were from two different worlds.
But no matter what I did, Harry was a part of me, and there was no denying it anymore.
I couldn't get him out.