The car ride was quiet, but I liked it this way.
Harry's hand held mine over the center console, his fingers warm, his touch comforting. I felt as if I were lost in some blissful, catastrophic world. While there were a million reasons that I shouldn't be happy right now, I had one that overruled everything else: Harry.
Harry was so many things--so many incrediblydifferent things.
He was darkness: a never-ending void of intense feelings and risky decisions. I knew that this was what corrupted him. It had taken over his entire being countless times. It was what had ruled his life for so long, what had pulled him into a world where life-and-death situations were nearly all that he dealt with and weapons weren't terrifying things that you kept for defense up on a high shelf, but instead vital objects to survive by.
He was gentle: something that contrasted greatly from his darker side, Harry possessed a softer angle to his multifaceted depth. It was buried deep inside of him, hidden behind the barriers that he held up to everyone except for, as he had told me recently, me. It brought out the person who was willing to hold me close while my tears wet his skin, the person who had let a whole day go by out at the mall, simply to give me a good Christmas.
He was imperfectly perfect: a flawed man who had, for some reason still unfathomable to me, allowed me to see past the walls he blockaded everyone with. He had a constant battle within him, between the light and the dark. The darkness was all that he knew, but the light was slowly filtering through the cracks in his icy foundation, shedding color on his black-and-white world where love didn't exist and men wielding guns was a normal occurrence.
Harry was the reason why I could, and would, stay happy, at least for this brief moment. I wanted it to last forever. I wanted to stay here, in this little space of time where I could live on Harry's kisses and touches as if they were air.
I watched as he stared out the windshield, his eyes alertly scanning the dark crossroads as we moved swiftly through town, dim streetlamps and the bright moon shining overhead guiding us in our path. He looked relaxed, leaned back into his seat with only one hand on the steering wheel.
I shifted my gaze to our interlocked fingers, and sighed softly at the sight of them, my skin just a few shades paler than his. I had noticed that he had lost his tan complexion in the past year, and I had put it down to both stress and the fact that I highly doubted he was one to travel during the daytime. I was sure, too, that his summer was uneventful, so why would he feel the need to get a bit of color?
But, despite this, his skin still seemed to glow. I suppose everything about Harry glowed though. His eyes, in particular, crossed my mind as I thought over this.
The familiar streets that led to Harry's house began to become apparent to my eyes, and that's when I remembered that I still was unaware of how Harry had gained such a massive place.
"Harry?" I said quietly, my voice breaking the silence.
"Yes?"
"I have a question."
"Go ahead."
I took a deep breath, opting to just dive in and ask it. I wondered immediately what kind of reaction this would provoke from him, but the words were already past my throat. "How did you get such a nice house?"
Harry stiffened visibly, his hand tightening in mine slightly. His breathing became a bit forced as he attempted to keep his calm, evidently thinking hard on how to reply to this.
"You don't have to tell me," I mumbled a bit reluctantly.
"I inherited it from my mum," he said abruptly. His tone was clipped, and I knew that he wasn't going to provide me with anymore information on the subject tonight. I nodded once in acknowledgement. When he was ready, he would tell me.
The rest of the drive was back to silence. At first, I felt a bit awkward, but when Harry gently squeezed my hand, I knew that we were okay.
I was zoning out a bit, but sat up suddenly when we had pulled up in front of the massive gates around the house. My eyes widened, my jaw falling open, as we drove inside. The entire exterior was decorated in bright lights of all different shapes and sizes. Harry pulled his Range Rover to a stop and immediately I was hurrying out of my seat, gasping at the gorgeous lawn.
Snow was still gently falling, though it wasn't as hectic as before, and had covered every visible inch of the house and it's yard, which only added to the beautiful effect that the lights possessed. Before Harry could reach me, I was walking the opposite direction, my feet carrying me through the gentle snowflakes.
My legs moved of their own accord, my arms spreading out around me as I twirled a bit across the heavily-covered grass, my face tilted up towards the night sky, eyes closed.
I wasn't watching where I was going, and suddenly I had spun right into Harry's obviously waiting arms. He pulled me close, my back pressed to his front as I stared up at the falling snow. It was a perfect scene, and I couldn't get over the sheer beauty of today.
"I feel like this shouldn't be real," I whispered as I held my hand out, watching as the cold snow flurried around us.
"Why?" Harry murmured, his chin resting gently on my shoulder.
"It's too perfect," I sighed, leaning back against him. He tightened his hold on me, and I felt his lips brush gently against the side of my neck. "I feel like if I get too lost in this moment, it's going to hurt more when it's over."
Harry sighed quietly behind me, before I felt his mouth press to the skin beneath my ear. "Get lost in it, Alice," he whispered. "Fuck everything else, and just do what you want right now. Don't worry about something messing it up. Just live in the moment, baby."
I shivered against him, not from the intense cold, but from the usage of the pet name. I silently turned in his hold and backed up, breaking free of his grip. Harry raised an eyebrow at me, curiosity etched into his expression as I paused, before grabbing his large hand in mine and tugging him along with me, right into the center of the lawn.
"What are we doing?" he asked quietly as I released our touch, only to reignite it when my hands rested gently on his neck.
"Living in the moment," I whispered back.
He smiled, the expression meeting both his eyes and his dimples as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, his head tilting down so that our faces were mere inches apart.
"You have snow in your hair," he commented lightly. "You look like an angel."
I blushed, recalling when he had called me one just earlier in the week. "I don't," I disagreed.
I gasped as my feet were suddenly thrown out from under me, my body falling backwards into Harry's waiting arms. He easily lifted me up, protectively holding me tightly to his chest, a smile on his lips. "You do," he insisted.
I shrugged, the red on my cheeks darkening, which only had Harry chuckling.
His expression turned a bit solemn then, his eyes widening. "There's more inside."
"What?"
But Harry was already moving, carrying us up the steps into the unlocked house. It was warmer inside, and I was grateful for the sudden added heat to my cold limbs. Harry set me down and I turned towards where he was looking into the living room, immediately shocked.
A bright Christmas tree stood there, it's long branches dressed in garland and lights, much like the outside of the house. My eyes refused to believe the sight in front of me.
"You can thank Niall and Louis for this later," he said from behind me. "I had them running around all day buying up all of the lights and the tree and the cookies." It was then that my eyes zeroed in on the tray of delicacies. My feet carried me to them instantly and I smiled.
"They're peanut butter," I noticed, glancing back at him as he slowly walked into the room.
"Those are your favorite aren't they?" he asked quietly. "You devoured them the other day."
I nodded in confirmation, picking one up and biting into it. It was soft and warm, the taste settling against my tongue. Just as I was about to take another piece of it into my mouth, long fingers took the cookie from me, and I turned in slight disbelief as Harry raised it to his own lips and took a sizable bite from it.
"You just took my cookie!" I complained. "And you're eating it!"
Harry was already finished with the small treat before I had finished speaking and he grinned, slowly walking towards me. "What are you going to do about it, Alice?" he raised an eyebrow. Was that a challenge?
I took it as one, my hands immediately coming up to his chest and pushing him backwards. Surprised by my sudden action, Harry lost his balance, thankfully landed on the couch. His eyes were wide as he stared at me, obviously not anticipating what I had done.
"Oh, you're going to get it now," he smirked.
I barely had time to dash away from him before he had engulfed me in his hold, only to roll us over onto the couch, his body above mine, supported by his knees on either side of my waist.
I was breathless, my eyes wide as he leaned down so that our faces were close.
His mouth was just about to press to mine when he abruptly pulled away, instead peppering kisses all over my face. I couldn't help but laugh as he did so, and he grinned as he finally pulled away and got off of me, offering a hand to help me up. I accepted it gratefully and he motioned for me to stay where I was.
I listened, watching in curiosity as he bent down to retrieve something from under the tree. He stood back up, revealing a small wrapped box in his hand accompanied by a pale pink envelope. My name was scrawled across the front in what was obviously Harry's handwriting.
My eyes widened. "You didn't have to get me anything."
"It's Christmas," he reminded me as we sat down on the couch. He passed me the gifts and I gazed down at them in awe of their mere existence.
"But I didn't get you anything," I frowned at this realization.
Harry shrugged, leaning back into the cushions. "I didn't pay a dime for either of these things, and I would have given them to you whether it was Christmas or not, so don't worry about it. You didn't even remember the holiday... just open them." He had turned suddenly solemn and I began to grow worried as I nodded, my hands gripping the letter.
"Wait," he halted me. "Open the gift first."
I agreed without question, seeing no harm in it. I easily removed the blue wrapping paper to find a low, black rectangular box. There were no markings or indications of what was inside, so carefully I took off the lid.
My eyes widened at the piece of jewelry inside. The necklace was simple: a thin, silver chain that held a paper plane on the end of it. I immediately recognized the piece, and my eyes glanced to Harry's neck where this particular necklace usually sat.
"I..."
"I want you to have it," Harry said, his long fingers reaching into the box and pulling out the beautiful chain. "It's very special to me, and so are you." My heart fluttered involuntarily at his words and I turned immediately, allowing him to bring the necklace around my neck and secure it in place. I turned back to him once he had finished, and his gaze went to the pendant now hanging near my chest instead of Harry's.
"Perfect," he smiled softly. His eyes connected with mine and I leaned forward, lips brushing against his. He kissed me back sweetly, one large hand moving to run across my neck where the only piece of jewelry I'd ever seen him where now sat. He pulled away after a moment. "There's still the card," he said.
I nodded, straightening up as I picked up the pink envelope from my lap. Harry was back to his serious state, and once again I felt nervous as I tore open the paper. A single piece of parchment fell out. It was crinkled and folded sloppily in half, several holes dotting the edges. I frowned, glancing back at Harry's blank expression once, before opening it, and this is what I read:
You. I hate you. So much.
I hate you for making me weak. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for not letting me fall asleep at night because I can't get you out of my head. I hate you for haunting my mind whenever I desperately need to focus. I hate you for leaving me that day.
But what I really hate you for, is making me fall in love with you. How could you? I'm not supposed to love people. I'm so fucked up, yet I love you. I love you so much that sometimes it gets hard to breathe when I think about it. How did you make me this way? How the fuck did you do this?
Even when I'm with other girls, you're all I think about. I don't want to. It fucking hurts. But there you are, every fucking second of every damn day. I just want you to go away. I want to drink so much that I forget about you just for one night so that it doesn't have to hurt anymore.
No. Fuck. I don't want to ever forget you. I want you all the time. I never want to forget the way you look or smell or smile. I never want to forget your beautiful laugh or the way you talk. I just want you here right now in my arms like it used to be. I want you forever, but I can't fucking have you.
Please come back. Please come back to me. I need you. I really really need you...
A date was marked at the bottom. This letter had been written seven months ago.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't what to think. I had just read something that Harry had scrawled out, and it was obviously meant for me. I could see his internal struggle written there: his fight with himself between love and hate.
"I didn't know how to cope," Harry whispered suddenly from beside me. I didn't look at him as he spoke, but I caught every word. "I didn't know how to be okay. I wanted to come to you and beg you to forgive me... I needed to get out everything inside of me. I wanted to yell at you and then hold you until I was all better... but things don't work that way, so I wrote you letters."
"Letters?" I had caught the plural.
"Letters," he confirmed. "I wrote you one hundred letters... but I burned them all. Except for this one. They were all sort of the same, but this one I couldn't just let go of."
"Why?" I whispered.
"I don't know," he admitted softly. "I--are you crying?"
I hadn't realized that tears were beginning to gently roll down my face until Harry had pointed them out. I nodded weakly, and immediately his arms were around me, pulling me back into his chest, his letter fluttering to the floor.
"Don't cry," he hushed me, his lips brushing away my tears as he gazed sadly at me. "I didn't give you that to make you feel sad... I gave it to you because it's yours. That letter was always meant for you. I needed to tell you... that I needed you... that I still need you."
Every thought in my mind flew out the door as I scrambled around on Harry's lap, my legs falling on either side of his as I pressed my lips to his. He seemed a bit surprised by my sudden movements, but easily kissed me back, his hands grabbing at my hips in an attempt to pull me closer. I pulled away after a few seconds, but my mouth continued to move against Harry's skin--across his jaw and down his neck.
"You have me," I mumbled against him. "Right now."
Harry grabbed my face gently in his large hands, pulling me away from my previous task, his eyes searching mine for something that he evidently found as he pressed our foreheads together. "Did I ruin your day with this?" he mumbled seriously.
My jaw dropped and I pulled back abruptly. "I'm glad you gave me this." I leaned down to pick up the letter, my eyes scanning over the messy words that had obviously been written by a shaky, rushed hand. "It hurts. A lot. But I needed this... because I need you too."
Harry's lips had barely pressed to mine in what would surely have been a heated kiss when the door suddenly banged open and my head snapped around. Harry was instantly standing us up, his body moving to stand in front of mine protectively, but there was no need. It was only the boys, wearing large grins.
"Merry Christmas!" they chorused.
Harry rolled his eyes before returning to his seat and pulling me down onto his lap, evidently a bit irritated by the rest of his gang's sudden arrival, but I wasn't. They all wore legitimate, happy smiles as they filed in, holding up big wrapped boxes.
"We brought gifts," Louis grinned as they all took turns setting them beneath the tree before taking a spot on the vacated couches. "Oh," he added when he noticed Harry's irate expression. A mischievous smirk lit up his features. "Did we interrupt something?"
Harry answered before I could. "Yes."
"Well then you shouldn't have been making out in the living room," Louis winked. "It's Christmastime, and Christmastime is family time, and since we're obviously family, we're going to spend it together. You have to share, Harry. You got her all day."
I was surprised by Louis' chipper attitude, but I figured that it was just the feel of the holiday season. It had never failed to brighten my mood, anyway.
Harry said nothing as Louis handed me a small square box. "This one's from me personally," he explained as I gazed down at it. I carefully slid off the top of it and my eyebrows shot up when I saw what was inside. Carefully, I lifted up the pocketknife, and quicker than a flash, Harry was snatching from it me, glaring heavily at Louis.
"Hey, they're good for self-defense!" Louis defended himself.
"She's got me for that," Harry replied briskly, his arms tightening around me as he replaced the pocketknife back into the box. He easily slid the lid back on.
"Fine," Louis rolled his eyes, and the rest of the boys chuckled at him before displaying their presents to me, which happened to be ones that I could keep.
Niall had gifted me a giant teddy bear that I had immediately dubbed 'Snuggles' to which Harry had grimaced, claiming that no one, not even a stuffed animal, wanted to be called that. Liam had bought me a rather interesting purple leather purse. While I thanked him for it, Harry blurted out that it was absolutely hideous, and Liam shrugged, claiming that 'girls liked purses and stuff'.
Zayn's gift was my favorite of all, aside from Harry's. It was a simple black-and-white beaded bracelet.
"The dark and the light," he explained quietly. "Like you two."
I glanced up at him. "Thank you," I whispered before sliding it onto my hand and holding it up for Harry to get a better view. Instead of looking, he kissed the inside of my wrist and I blushed, which only caused a chorus of laughter to come from the boys.
"Don't think we forgot about you, Harry," Louis grinned impishly.
Harry raised an eyebrow, obviously okay with being forgotten. "What did you do?"
"You ask me that as if I've just done something wrong," Louis rolled his eyes. "And we've gotten you the best gift imaginable."
"Go on," Harry said slowly, evidently curious now.
"We got you your leverage."