chapter eighteen
an: this is the most difficult chapter i've ever had to write but here we gooooo
i rolled over to opened my eyes, jumping a little when i saw shane's blue orbs staring into me. i was dreaming, i quickly realised, this wasn't garrett's room. his mouth quirked into this little side smile, and he reached his hand out to trace the pad of his finger over my bruised face.
'how do you still look so beautiful, with all these cuts over your face?' he asked softly, making me hum quietly and snuggle into his chest. he wrapped an arm round my frail body, letting my head rest against his chest. i could hear his heart beating as my ear rested against the cotton fabric of his t shirt; the thumps were regular and quick. 'how are you feeling?'
'sore.' i said quietly, my lips hurting as i pronounced words. every time i closed my eyes, flashbacks of morgan screaming as my dad held me against a wall flooded my brain. i don't even remember falling asleep today, i must've passed out from complete exhaustion.
'd'you want something to drink?' he murmured against my hair as he kissed my forehead. i agreed, asking for some water. shane stretched, cracking his knuckles before standing up out of the bed and flew to the door.
he flew to the door.
i scrunched my nose, trying not to splutter in shock. maybe my head was just hurting and i had imagined it? i blinked a few times, squeezing my eyes shut for a second before opening them again. his feet were still hovering a few inches off the ground; it looked like something from a vampire film, where the actor can move at a million miles an hour.
'ryland, why are you looking at me weirdly?' he asked, his voice out of sync with the way his mouth moved – almost like when you watch a dodgy copy of a tv show on a free movie website. his words were out of time.
i jolted up in shock, covered in sweat, greeted with a pitch black room. grabbing my phone, i checked the time; it was 1am. i'd never woken up like that from a dream before, and how the hell was shane flying? my dreams were always mirroring real life, there was never any supernatural occurrences. with a sigh, i turned my pillow over and rested my head on the cold fabric, willing myself back to sleep.
it took me around ten or fifteen minutes to fall back into slumber, and when i did i was relieved to see shane sat on his bed, checking his hair with the mirror from his bedside table. he was wearing a different outfit to earlier, but i let this slip by with the excuse that he must've changed. a black v neck was taught against his chest, sculpting his pecks and arm muscles, and his hair was messily styled into a quiff.
i tried to walk over to him but for some reason i was frozen. my limbs wouldn't move, and i tried to open my mouth to speak but i couldn't. my throat felt as though it was lodged. i watched as shane stood up, walking towards me. except, instead of asking me what was wrong, he grabbed a bottle of after shave from the dresser next to me, spritzing a little on his neck before placing it back on the table. their was a clock on next to the small bottle, which read two minutes to twelve. the window let in no light albeit the moon's, the sky cold and dark.
i heard a knock on the trap door to his bedroom, to which shane yelled 'come on up!' to, checking his hair in the mirror once more. a flash of blonde appeared and my eyes almost fell out of my head when i saw garrett climb up the ladder.
'hey gorgeous.' shane said with a smirk as the tall boy walked over to him and pressed a kiss on his lips.
garrett hummed in reply, sitting next to him on the bed and deepening their kiss. 'it's a bit late for a booty call.' he muttered and crawled onto shane's lap, making my boy groan slightly. i opened my mouth to yell at them to stop but nothing happened, no sound came out. it wasn't long before they were taking each other's clothes off, and as hard as i tried to squeeze my eyes shut or wake up it wouldn't work. it was like an out of body experience, like i was watching some kind of crazy movie that i couldn't eject from the dvd player.
and just as i thought i was going to witness the worst happen, a bang sounded in my ears and i was awake again, not only sweating this time but quivering. my skin was drenched, fingers trembling as i checked the time on my phone again. 2:24am. images of garrett and shane together flashed through my mind, which i shook away in confusion. why did i have two dreams in one night? why couldn't i move or do anything? did shane really cheat? because that didn't feel like one of my normal dreams with him; i felt out of control, vulnerable.
the only reason i could think that garrett was in the dream was that drew often questioned if we were talking about "garrett's shane" or "my shane". my eyes welled up with tears at the thought of him with someone else, even if he was just a dream, not in real life. sometimes being able to distinguish the two seemed irreconcilable. my head hurt as i rolled around in my bed, trying to ease myself back to sleep as the feeling of drowsiness succumbed my shaking body.
soon, my eyes snapped open again and i was on a motorbike. shane's bright auburn hair was messy and fluttering in the wind, free from a helmet or any kind of protection. trees and houses were a blur around me, and i had to hold back a scream when he turned a corner, the bike leaning close to the ground, tyres scraping along the pavement.
'shane, slow down, what the fuck!' i exclaimed as the bike picked up speed, weaving in and out of the driving cars around us. they beeped their horns loudly in annoyance, and if i reached out far enough i could've touched the bonnet of the tomato-red fiat500 we dodged by a few centimetres. 'pull over!' i shouted in his ear.
he turned around to face me, still breaking the speed limit as he spoke to me, narrowly dodging the cars and not even paying attention to the road. 'chill out, babe. it's all good.'
my mind was rushing at a million miles a minute, discombobulation filling my head. what on earth was happening? i was flicking from one dream to the next, all of them seeming incredibly extraordinary and unrealistic.
'i know about you and garrett.' i said, voice trembling.
shane frowned in confusion. 'who's garrett?' he asked, eyebrows knitting together. now, i like to consider myself quite good at reading people's emotions, and i knew this was pure naivety. to him, he hadn't even heard the boy's name before, nor did he react in a way that made him seem as though he had been cheating. he took a hand off the steering wheel and placed it under my chin, still not looking at the road whilst talking to me. it was impossible, somewhat crazy, that we had not crashed yet.
i said this too soon, though. the sounds of cars beeping and rubber scraping across tarmac filled my ears as we were flung off the bike with force. everything went black for a moment, almost as though i was in the stage of waking up and remaining asleep. anxiety crawled in my stomach, though; i had the power to wake up right now, but if i did, would he die?
i didn't want to take the chance, so i used all my strength to stay in the dream, remembering everything i had read on the lucid dreaming website a month ago. within seconds, the black image turned to a bloodied figure in the middle of an empty road. the car had gone, by the looks of it, and shane was laid across the white painted road lines, arm jerking at a odd direction, blood soaking his t shirt.
i yelled for help, as loudly as i could, running over to his lifeless body and picking up his head. it was floppy, falling into my lap like a dummy. 'wake up!' i screamed, shaking his lip body as blood oozed all over me. it looked as though i had dipped my hands in a pot of red paint, cherry tinting his pretty auburn locks. 'wake the fuck up, shane!' i cried, thumping my fists on his lifeless body as my salted tears merged with the blood that covered his heart. there was no thumping anymore. 'wake up!'
wake up wake up wake up wake up
'ryland, what the fuck, dude? wake up!'
my face was suddenly covered with water and my eyes flew open to andrew and garrett staring worriedly at me. morgan was crying in the corner and drew was comforting her. the ginger boy held an empty glass in his hand, trembling as he stared down at me. it was now light outside, the clock across the room reading 8am.
my whole body was drenched in sweat, you could've ringed out my t shirt, and i was crying heavily. my throat hurt, hoarse, almost like i'd actually been shouting.
'what just happened?' andrew whispered, staring down at my shaking form. 'ryland, what the fuck? has that ever happened before?'
'w-what happened?' i stuttered, sitting up so i could see morgan properly. she was wiping her tears a little, skin pale and weak.
garrett cut in. 'you were screaming so loudly, but the boys and i had gone to get mcdonald's breakfast. we left morgan here and when we came in she was crying and said you were jerking around in your bed shouting. no matter how much she shook you, you wouldn't wake up. we went upstairs and you were still doing it, ry, it was like you were having a fit or something.'
'i'm sorry.' i said weakly, blinking slowly. 'shane, he—'
'who's shane?' morgan asked confusedly, rubbing her eyes. andrew asked he same, and i looked at garrett tiredly, shaking my head.
garrett nodded. 'uhh, guys? could ryland and i have a minute alone, please?' drew obliged, already knowing about the situation with shane, but the younger two's faces contorted. 'just go.' he added softly, making them leave and shut the door behind him.
i told him everything, all three dreams, from start to finish. even though telling him about what shane had done with him in my dream hurt my heart, i knew he had to know or otherwise the whole night wouldn't make sense. his eyes were like a doe's, wide and innocent as i recounted what had happened on the motorbike.
'you need help, ryland.' he whispered, grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly.
i shook my head. 'no, no, they'll just make him go away, i don't need help.' i rambled, shaking my head and pulling away from him.
'no, listen to me. this has gone too far.' he said firmly, stopping me from getting out of bed.
tears were still streaming down my face as i strained against him. he pulled me into his lap, my frail body shaking as he held me tightly. i kicked and screamed for him to let go of me as he repeatedly told me to calm down.
'i need to know if he's alright, garrett! i need to know if he's alright, i need to know if he's alright, i need to know if he's alright—' i shouted in his face, lunging out at him and scrambling out of his grasp. almost falling over from the unsteady feeling that filled my whole body, i reached for the door but garrett caught my wrist, pulling me into him.
i began thumping my fists against his chest as he tried to calm me down, my eyes only seeing red and streaming with tears as i pushed him roughly. garrett stopped me from hurting him anymore, taking a grip of my shoulders and holding me steady, before yelling four words.
'he is not real, ryland! HE IS NOT REAL.'