Song: Better Now by Etham (No, that's not a typo. His name really is Etham lol)
Emma Claire Sommers came into the world at 7:04 in the evening, and I left it at 7:08. Then I left it again at 7:16. They had to revive me twice. My blood pressure dropped while I was under along with multiple other complications, including blood loss. The doctors and nurses had a lot of trouble stabilizing me. The first time my heart stopped, they had to wheel Kade out of the room. He was hysterical, and they needed room for more of the staff.
When I finally woke a day later, I was alone. I glanced around, noticing that the sun was just beginning to set. My hand grasped the call button, weakly, and I pressed it. Soon after, the nurse that answered my light grabbed the doctor. I was crushed to find out that Emma needed the help of a ventilator to breath since her lungs weren't fully formed. He told me that other than that, though, she was doing great for a baby her size. She was 1 lb and 9 oz. I nearly had a heart attack when he told me how small she was. Then, I saw her through the window the next morning, and the oddest sense of needing to protect her for the rest of my life and fear washed over me. That was the moment that I vowed to spend the rest of my life focusing on her, no matter what else happened to me. She would always be the one thing my world centered around.
A little over two months later, and here I am, painting my baby girl's nursery a soft pink color in my new apartment, alone. I know that I could text Lindsey or Sage to come help me, but I really feel like this is something that I want to do myself. It's something that I want to do for my daughter by myself.
Since Emma's birth, I feel like my whole world has shifted. When I gained consciousness after the c-section, I woke up in more ways that just one. Conversations with Noah, Lindsey, Sage, Kade, and just everyone seem like they were held by some other girl besides me. I worried about Kade and Noah. I worried about small, silly things. I worried about my love life and my future. After I gave birth though my whole world became about the little girl that will be leaving the hospital for the first time in just two days.
The thought of Noah still makes my heart sink though. The night I woke up, I talked to him. He was so worried. I still can't believe that I told him what I did.
*Flashback*
"Iris, I'm so happy you're awake," Noah laughs, rushing into the room. He quickly sits beside me. "Are you OK? How do you feel?"
I glance down, drowsily. "Drained. Depressed. I want to see my baby, but she's in the NICU and I'm on bed rest until I'm stable," I mumble.
His forehead creases. "Well, can I get you anything? Do I need to ask the doctor anything?"
I slowly shake my head. "No, I'm fine. Thank you, though."
There is a long pause, and then I hear Noah's voice again. It's quieter this time. "What's on your mind?"
"Emma," I reply, quickly. "Just to breath, she needs the help of a machine."
"I know," Noah sighs. "Kade told us all. She will be OK, though. It will all be OK."
"Will it?" I question, quietly. "Because nothing else has been OK in a long time, Noah, and if I lose Emma, I won't be able to take anymore."
"I-I know, Iris," Noah replies, struggling to reply. He seems to be at a loss for words.
"I can't take anymore, Noah. No more fighting. No more loss. No more crying over small things. Noah," I say, whispering his name as our eyes meet. I can tell by his expression that he knows what I am about to say. "I can't handle a relationship right now. I have a very sick baby, and all of my attention is going to need to be on her. I'm sorry."
I watch as his jaw flexes. His eyes begin to redden, but all he does is nod after a moment with a shaky sigh. "This is the last time I fight to keep you, Iris. I completely understand that you can't take anymore loss, but it goes both ways. I can't take losing you to someone else anymore either."
All I can manage is to nod. Tears threaten to escape the corners of my eyes, but I bite them back. If this really is goodbye, I don't want him to remember me crying. "I'm really sorry. Life just has a way of placing its pieces where it wants them, no matter how much the pieces want to be somewhere else."
He lets out a soft laugh, letting his eyes fall to the floor. "It does, doesn't it?" Another long pause follows, and then he speaks again. "I've always wanted to live in Cali. Maybe this is my chance to change the scene a little."
"Maybe," I reply, thoughtfully.
As I speak, Noah looks up to me. Tears stain his face, but he still smiles. "You saved me, you know? You woke me up. What I was doing before you was wrong. I was on a bad path. You saved all of us, Iris- Me, Kade, Cole, and Damian. Hell, you probably saved Sage and Easton, too. Who knows what would have happened to them if you hadn't been there the night that she came back?"
I nod, smiling sadly. "I'm happy that we all met, no matter how unconventional the circumstance."
He stands, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Sometimes you meet people in life that change you. They're not meant to be in your life forever. They're there just long enough to make you a better person, and even if the end of your road together feels like a drop off into nothingness without them, you still travel onto a better path as you part, thanks to them. Iris," Noah says, leaning down to me. I watch him with glassy eyes, feeling my heart pound. "You are that person for me, and the path ahead will be much better, thanks to you. Thank you," he says just before softly pressing his trembling lips to mine one last time.
The kiss is long, slow, and lingering. For barely a second, nearly the entire world freezes. When he pulls away, I am not ready, but I know it is time. Without another word or glance, Noah turns and quickly strides out of the room.
*Present*
I was told that Noah went home that night to pack, and the next morning, he left for California. We haven't talked since then. I feel like in the future we will see each other again- on a holiday or random visit. It will be different though, and for now, we both just need time.
Surprisingly, Kade has been very distant as well. When I visit Emma in the NICU, he leaves, waving goodbye to me, awkwardly. That's the only exchanges we ever have. No texts or calls. Nothing. We still haven't discussed visitations or living arrangements. Everyone but him has came over to visit me at my new place, and when they leave, it's lonely. It's as if the walls could fall in on me any moment from feeling so hollow. I'll just be glad when my baby is home.
I finish up the last wall and stand back, dropping the paint roller into the pan. I place my hands on my hips and glance around, smiling. "Only one more layer to go," I mumble to myself.
With a deep sigh, I make my way to the kitchen to grab a drink. Mama needs a glass of water.
The moment I sit down at the kitchen table to check my phone for a bit, the doorbell rings, and not even a second later, heavy knocking follows. Who is banging on my front door at 6 in the evening?
"Hello?" I answer swinging open the door, just before my eyes fall upon Kade.
"Hey," he says, awkwardly, smiling. He towers over me at his full height, though he has to lean and put some weight on the cane that helps steady him. He has had to use it since the removal of his leg cast. Several more physical therapy sessions, though, and he should be walking fine. "Is it OK that I dropped by? There's something really important that I need to tell you."
"Uhm," I reply, still a little stunned. What could possibly be his reason for dropping by so suddenly? "Sure, come in. I was just about to start dinner. Are you hungry?"
His shoulders relax a bit, and he nods. "Sure. Lead the way."
I guide him to the kitchen, and he sits at the table. I sit across from him, crossing my arms. "So, there was something you wanted to talk about?"
"Why are you covered in pink?" He asks amused, suddenly noticing my shirt.
I glance down. "Oh, I was painting Emma's nursery."
He frowns. "Oh, then I don't know how you're going to feel about what I'm about to say."
My eyes flicker back up to him, curiously. "What do you mean?"
Kade draws in a sharp breath and then looks to me, meeting my gaze. "As you know, Damian and Lindsey moved out together a few weeks ago. I'm all alone in a ridiculously large cabin. Emma is going to be coming home in a couple of days. Though she will be out of the hospital, she will need around the clock care. My new therapist has me on meds that are working well, but my body is still adjusting and leveling out, plus I still can't walk well. It's hard making it up the stairs to bed every night. I want to be there for our daughter, but Iris, I really can't do it alone right now. That kills me. It makes me feel like a deadbeat dad, and I don't want her to ever think of me like that."
I nod. "OK, so do you want Emma and I to come stay at the cabin until you are feeling more yourself again?"
As I say this, a small smile spreads across his face. "Nope. I sold the cabin."
"You what?" I shout, flying up from my seat.
"I sold the cabin," he replies bluntly.
"Oh, I heard you. It's just taking me a moment to process the fact that you sold your home," I exclaim. "Why in the world would you do that, Kade? Emma is coming home soon, and this apartment is only one room. I'm sleeping on the couch so that she can have a nursery. There isn't room for a baby and two adults here!"
He grins. "Five-hundred thousand."
"What?" I ask, confused.
"I sold the cabin for $500,000, Iris. That's enough to buy a three or four bedroom house, plus extra to put into a college fund for Emma."
I stop, stunned and speechless for a moment. "Oh," is all I can manage to say as I roll the new information around in my mind for a moment.
The sound of his cane clinking against the floor as he stands and walks towards me pulls me out of my trance. By the time I look up to him, he is barely a foot away from me. "Are you still mad?" He asks quietly.
I shake my head, meeting his gaze. "No, it was a good idea. We can get a four bedroom. That's enough for each of us to have a room, and there can be a guest room for my father when he comes to visit."
"That's not what I mean," he says, quickly. "Are you still mad at me for-" He trails off, slowly taking my hand into his. "I can understand if you are. I've been trying to give you space."
"Kade," I say, thinking for a moment. "You really should have kept taking your meds, but when you were off of them, I know that you weren't you. I understand that. I just hope you learned from that time in your life, especially now that we have a daughter."
He lets out a quiet, breathy laugh, squeezing my hand. "You'll never understand how much I learned from it."
I nod. "Well, good, I guess."
It's quiet for a moment. I look down to our hands intertwined as we stand in the middle of the small kitchen together. I am caught off guard when Kade's hand that should be holding his cane lifts my chin to his face gently. Our eyes meet again, and this time, my heart begins to pound, realizing what the intention of this visit is. "It has always been you and I, Angel. It's undeniable. You can fight it all that you want, but soon, our little family will be together in a new home, and I am going to make you my wife."
I begin to step back, unsure of how I feel, but with my sudden movement, Kade loses his balance, and I dart forward to steady him, placing my hands on his sides as he grabs his cane quickly. "You OK?" I ask, worriedly, looking up to him as we stand chest to chest.
"Why did you jerk away?" He asks, wrapping his free arm around my waist before I can pull away again.
I stare up to him, feeling a storm of emotion swelling in my chest. "Because I don't know how to feel about anything anymore, Kade," I whisper. "I feel broken. I feel broken and numb and empty. It's like everything finally caught up with me. I don't know how to be OK anymore. All I know how to be is strong for Emma."
"Maybe you need someone to be strong for you sometimes, Angel," Kade replies, rubbing small circles on my lower back.
I sniffle a little, glancing down. "N-No, I can do it. I'm fine."
"Why do you feel like you have to do it alone though?"
"I don't," I reply, glancing up to him through my hair. "But I don't know if I can put my faith in you anymore, Kade."
"One more chance," Kade mumbles as his eyes begin to glisten. "Just one more chance, Iris. Please. I am literally begging. I'll do anything to prove to you that I will be more careful this time. What do I need to do? Just tell me, and I'll do it. Don't make me get on my knees."
"OK," I reply, quickly as Kade's grip on me tightens. "Stop! Stop begging. Just listen." I pause for a moment, glancing up to him. "Let's start slow. Our focus needs to be on you and Emma's physical recoveries and getting you leveled out on the right meds more than anything. We can move into a place. Start fresh. Try to put the past behind us. We can look towards the future together, but we will be moving slowly, OK?"
When he hears this, a grin lights up his face. "I'll take anything as long as it means that we can try to fix things." I fight back a smile as Kade lowers his face to mine, giving me a soft, short kiss on my forehead and pulling me to him tightly. My arms automatically wrap around his neck and I lean my head against his chest, noticing that his heart is hammering against his chest. "Thank you, Angel. I love you," Kade mumbles, pressing his lips into my hair on the top of my head. "More than you could ever know."