The last week had been rough. I found it hard to do simple things like eat and get out of the bed. I even resulted to using the guest bedroom because my master bath held too many similarities to the hospital room. Some would say that it was silly because it was a bathroom, but the all white was overbearing. Zach went to back to work Wednesday. I guess the dark cloud hovering over me was too much for him. I rolled over to grab my vibrating phone from the nightstand.
I threw my phone down in frustration. Why is that I have to tell my husband I need him? Sometimes I feel like I was the only one that lost something. He has somehow managed to keep going as if everything is alright; meanwhile, I find it hard to even get out of the bed at times. I roll onto my back staring at nothing in particular. I rolled my eyes frustrated with myself and threw my covers back with a huff.
I climbed out of bed and went to the closet to find something to put on. I settled for a pair of ripped light wash jeans and a purple cropped tank. I laid them across the bed along with my undergarments and a pair of gold gladiator sandals. I wasn't going anywhere, I just wanted to feel normal for once. I stalked my way over to our master bath. I froze in the doorway.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I pushed myself into the bathroom. I turned my body away from the mirror and began to get undressed. I adjusted the knob to a comfortable temperature before getting in. The jets from the overhead spray began to relax my body. I moved my head into the water and allowed myself to be fully submerged underneath the water. Images of what could have been begun to flood my mind as I reached for my shampoo.
I started to think about the plans I made in my head and how happy Zach would be to have a mini- him. I rinsed the shampoo out and reached for the conditioner. My mind then drifted to how distant he had been this past week. We got home on Monday, and that day Tuesday, he mourned with me and loved on me, and on Wednesday I woke up to a note that he was going in for a few hours and he would be back soon. A few hours turned into a full shift.
I often wondered if he blamed me. If he was upset with me because I miscarried, that I couldn't give him the family that he wanted. I rinsed those thought away with the conditioner. As I lathered my loofah with my Dove body wash, I felt myself spending too much time in my stomach region. I was rubbing it in a circular motion, hoping for what, I don't know. I immediately stopped all movement and began to quickly wash and rinse my body.
After cleansing myself from head to toes, I stepped out of the shower and reached for my towel on a nearby rack. As I was drying myself off, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Who was this person staring back at me? I tilted my head from side to side, hoping to find some recollection of the person I was staring intently at. She looked dull and lifeless. She seemed as if her hopes and dreams were a proverbial tales of yesterday. I reached for my toothbrush and toothpaste in an effort rid the bad taste the sight of myself left in my mouth, I sighed deeply and left the bathroom.
I moisturized my skin with Bath & Body Works' A Thousand Wishes lotion and got dressed. I slowly descended the stairs and rounded the corner to the kitchen. I washed the few dishes that were in the sink, I'm assuming from Zach's breakfast, and wiped down the counters. I swept and mopped the floors. I stood in the hallway adjoining the living room to the kitchen pondering what to do next. I began to dust the living room and fluff the accent pillows on the couch. I polished the end and coffee tables and then mopped the hardwood floors as well. I looked over at alarm system at the time , 3:46. I thought on what I could do next. I decided to go to the grocery store and cook for my husband, even though he didn't deserve it.
I grabbed my purse, keys, and phone and headed towards the door. I hopped in the car and connected my phone to my wireless Powerbeats. I wasn't in the mood for loud music. As I pulled out of the driveway, my mother in law called and I answered, " Hey Mrs. Vivian."
" Girl how many times do I have to tell you, you don't have to be so formal," she said with a light chuckle.
" Well, I did stop calling you Ms. Tate, so we have progressed," I said through my own laughter.
"Yeah, yeah! It's good to hear you laughing! How are you feeling sweet girl, like really feeling?" she replied in a light tone.
" Today has been a good day, so I can't complain! One day at a time is all I can manage. I cleaned a little, and now I'm headed to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner," I replied honestly. Despite Zach's unfortunate news, I was having a great day compared to the previous days. I actually got out of bed, bathed in my own bathroom, and got dressed. The fact that I was doing anything more was an added bonus.
"You sure you need to be doing all that, you're supposed to be talking it easy Elise. Don't make me have to come over there" she fussed while I rolled my eyes.
" I'm fine. I promise. I haven't bled or had cramps in two days. I feel energized. The sooner I get back into my routine, the better. But if you just want to come keep me company, you're more than welcome," I replied while leaning back in the seat at the red light.
"I trust your judgment but don't overdo it El! I know that hard-headed son of mine went back to work even though I told his ass that job could wait. But you know Zach, you can't tell his ass shit, just like his daddy" she went off as I laughed, " Baby, I'm sorry for my language, that boy just makes my ass itch sometimes" she said as she finished huffing frustratedly.
"I understand the feeling Mrs. Vivian, he makes my ass itch too," she laughed as I made an attempt to end this call because it was only making me frustrated, " I just pulled up to Publix. I'm going to get off this phone so I can go grab what I need and leave."
" Okay baby! Oh! Before you go, are you all coming to the July 4th bbq at Zach's dad house" she asked. I looked at the phone inquisitively. Her going to Zach's dad house was going to be interesting. Last time we were there, she cursed him and his wife out for calling her pound cake dry. They were only being petty because I cooked all three cakes that were there and she just claimed one of them because she forgot to make her cheesecake. They said nothing about the other two.
"Yes mam, We'll be there, and I expect you to be on your best behavior," I slightly fussed.
"I can't make no promises, but I'll do what I can. Go ahead and do your shopping so you can get back in the house. I love you," She hung up before I could reply. I went to the grocery store quickly grabbing things that I needed to prepare for dinner. I was making spinach and chicken fettuccine alfredo with a side salad and breadsticks. I slowly felt my appetite coming back.
As soon as I had everything I needed, I checked out, loaded the bags into the car and headed home. When I neared home, I noticed Zach's car pulled into the garage. He was just getting home because the door was closing. I pressed the button on the garage remote to open my side. I drove in and parked and began to grab the bags out of the car. I felt strong arms wrap around me from behind and I nearly jumped out of my skin.
Zach kissed my jaw with a chuckle " Did I scare you baby" he said still laughing. I just nodded my head and laid back on his chest. I inhaled his scent and relaxed into him. I missed my husband. I missed this, feeling connected to him. His arms left from around me and I whined feeling his warmth disappear. He extended his arms to get the bags out of my hand. I handed them over and closed the back door of my car, while I scurried around him to open the door that led to the kitchen. He placed the bags on the counter, and I began to unpack them.
He came behind me again, wrapping his arms around me, " I missed you," he said.
"Mmhhh," I replied.
"Really El," He said as he removed the whipping cream from my hand and turned me around to face him. He looked down into my eyes, examining them to find some type of emotion. " What's up babe, you don't think I miss you?" he spoke looking sincerely hurt by the notion.
"Honestly, I don't! We weren't home for a full 48 hours before you were back out the door. Even on the weekend, you found something to do to stay out of the house. Now you're going out of town tomorrow or the day after. So no, I don't think you miss me, I actually think you are avoiding me," I said turning back around to sort through my ingredients. I turned on the sink to wash off the chicken. Zach came over and stood beside me with his back facing the sink and his face towards me.
" That's not the case at all El, I just figured you didn't want to be bothered. Anytime I was around all you did was lay on me and not say anything" he replied defensively.
" Did you forget that Doctor put me on that stupid Xanax. That shit had me stuck. I would just stare at nothing for the longest. I didn't want to take it, but YOU suggested that I do because all the crying wasn't helpful," I moved around him placing the chicken on the cutting board and patting it dry. I looked over at him. I waited until his eyes met mine before speaking, " All I wanted or needed was just for you to be there. I NEEDED to feel the warmth of your skin and listen to the sound of your heartbeat because those things calm me. I didn't need you to fix me, I just needed you," I replied dropping my head as slow tears began to slide down my face.
I wiped my eyes with forearms as I cut up the chicken breasts into tiny pieces. I looked over at Zach who actually looked stuck, frozen in time. I continued to chop up the chicken while I waited for a response from him but he said nothing, only dropped his head. I was anxious and infuriated at the same time waiting for an answer. Here your wife was telling you what she needed, but all you could do was give her silence. I inhaled and exhaled in an attempt to calm myself and to avoid saying something that I would probably regret.
Zach lifted his head, and that's when I noticed the tear stains on his face, he cleared his throat while shaking his head before he spoke," Then I'm leaving you again tomorrow for work, I can't believe this shit. I'm so sorry baby. I promise when I get back..." I dropped the knife and left the room. I didn't want to hear anything else he had to say. I didn't care about promises he would make for when he returned because I needed him now.
My head was spinning, and I felt myself getting light headed. I sat down on the edge of the bed for a minute trying to pull myself together. I heard a door slam downstairs, so I figured Zach left. I got up and drew the blackout curtains across the windows in the bedroom. I pulled my phone out my back pocket before stripping down to my undergarments. I hovered over the contact for a moment. Up until now, I had not considered reaching out to anyone. Firstly because I just didn't want to be bothered and secondly, I didn't want to put people in Zach and I's business. I pressed on the message option for the contact displayed on my screen. I knew that I could trust this one person above all. I could trust them to be there, support me, and love me, while giving me the tough love that I probably needed.
So, what are your thoughts so far?
How do you feel about Zach?
How do you feel about Elise?
I know that this book is sad so far, but I really wanted you all to feel all the emotions that they feel. Sometimes I feel like we rush past those things not realizing how much they play into what makes them who they are. Losing anyone is tragic, but losing a child that you have carried and have had the slightest chance to bond with does something to a mother.
Than you all so much for reading, please leave comments, votes and feedback. This is my first story so I'm really open to critiques and constructive criticism.
Unilti Next Time ~Kay