It'd been well over three months since Lena had called off their 'extra benefits.' She sat on her couch on a random Wednesday afternoon, thinking about her current situation. Kara hadn't been ignoring her like she feared she would, but she certainly wasn't her happy-go-lucky self anymore either... She acted more distant, reserved even, but she never ignored Lena, still made a conscious effort to communicate with her, yet... it still wasn't the same as it had been before.
It baffled Lena, to say the least, but it also killed her inside... Had she destroyed their friendship?
The thought caused her stomach to knot, and her heart to explode with pain.
Kara had been seeing someone for the past seven or so weeks; however, she vehemently insisted that it was just casual because of how new it was. She also had explained that when she told Alex what Lena had said, Alex had joyfully taken the opportunity to agree with Lena and had set her sister up on a date.
Lena had met the man, whom she now knew as DEO Special Agent Dustin Miller, at their game night last month. He was tall, very well built, and was a perfect gentleman, but seeing Kara make googly eyes at him destroyed her.
The memory of his arm wrapped around Kara's waist caused her heart to ache. The memory of him holding Kara's hand churned her stomach, and the memory of him staying at Kara's apartment after everyone else (including Lena herself) had left for the evening made her want to shoot him between the eyes.
When she realized that her jealousy was causing her to think irrationally, she stood, ready to turn herself into an alcoholic if only to avoid the thought of being forced to live a Kara-less life, when there was a knock at her door. She hoped that it might be Kara, so she instantly switched her to her decanter and rushed to the door.
When she opened it, however, it wasn't the Danvers sister that she wanted to see... instead, it was Alex.
"Alex?" She asked as panic hit her. Oh, god... Kara's hurt. "What happened? Is she okay? Did-,"
Alex rolled her eyes and covered Lena's mouth with her hand. "She's fine. Well, physically at least." Lena swallowed and blinked as Alex backed her back into her penthouse. "But I had this strange suspicion that something was wrong. She'd been acting strange, not quite like herself. She told me that she needed to get a boyfriend because you said she'd be happier once she did, so I set her up on a date like two months ago, as you're well aware of."
Lena swallowed the lump in her throat and she nodded. "Yes, I'm brutally aware of that." She murmured, her eyes averted elsewhere.
"Right, well I only did that because she'd been mopey and I figured a distraction would be nice. I had no idea what was going on, and I just wanted my baby sister to feel better. So I thought, hey... getting laid always helped me, so maybe it'll help her too."
The thought of Kara having sex with someone else made Lena want to jump off of her balcony, but she feigned nonchalance. "Right." She said.
Alex huffed and shook her head before reaching into her purse and pulling out a page of fancy notebook paper. "I was wrong though... Sex isn't what she needed. What she needed, and still seems to need, is communication with her best friend, who I can tell is madly in love with her."
Lena froze. Had everyone been able to tell but Kara? "Y-you knew?"
"Everyone knew," Alex said as she rolled her eyes. "The only person who didn't was Kara, but let's face it, she can never tell when someone is into her. She couldn't tell when Winn was, she couldn't tell win Lucy was, and she sure as hell couldn't when Livewire was. She's blind as a bat and thinks that everyone is always making heart eyes at their friends because that's what she does."
Lena nodded. "She does. She makes everyone feel like they are the center of the universe." The brunette said with a smile as her heart warmed up at the thought of Kara's eyes.
Apparently, Alex didn't share the same sentiment and made a gagging noise. "You seriously need to read this." She said as she slammed the fancy notebook paper onto the desk, that had a very familiar penmanship on it... Kara's penmanship.
"Wh-... Is this Kara's diary?" She asked incredulously; she was ultimately put off by Alex's complete betrayal of Kara's privacy.
Alex huffed. "Yes, and before you get all judge-y on me, no I don't normally do this. She usually tells me everything so when I caught her jotting away in it a few weeks ago; I decided that if her mood didn't seem to improve within a month, I'd read it because it isn't like her not to be open with me about anything and everything... Which is what I just did about an hour ago, and why I'm here now. Read it." She said as she pushed the paper towards the CEO.
Lena made a disgusted face at Alex. Of course, she'd been worried about her best friend, but she refused to disrespect Kara by reading her personal journal. "I will do no such thing!" She firmly asserted.
Alex rolled her eyes, picked up the paper, and began to read it aloud anyway.
Dear Diary,
I haven't written in you much, I never really needed to before now because I've always had Alex, but this is different. This is something I haven't been able to figure out for myself, and I can't go to Alex with this, because I'm supposed to be the one helping her through the post-Maggie crisis. So, she really doesn't need this extra burden... and I'm not in the mood to be made fun of either.
I've been sleeping with my best friend for months. Well, I was, but she called it off, and it stung... really really badly. It's almost the same type of pain as when Mon-El left, but... not the same; different, but equally if not more, painful.
I don't understand it, Diary... But when I'm with her, I can never get enough of the time we have together. It always makes me so happy, especially when we cuddle right after sex and just talk aimlessly until we fall asleep. I've never felt anything like this before.
Lena is my absolute best friend, and I love her so much! But when I compare it to the love I have for Alex, it's not the same... or with the love I have for Eliza, or Kal, or Lois... it's not a familial type of love... But I'm not in love with her, I can't be, because when I compare it to the love I have for Mon-El, it doesn't fit either... and I really loved him. I know I did because everyone around me said that what we had was true love... And well, I know that I cared for him deeply, so they must be right.
So what are they, Diary? What are these strange feelings that I have for Lena Kieran Luthor?
Is this what having a best friend feels like? Because I've never felt like this for Winn.
I never even felt this way when I was with James.
I'm so confused, but all I know is that I don't want to stop sleeping with her, and when she called it quits, it hurt like hell; which only further confuses me... We both agreed that the sex would mean nothing, that it wouldn't affect our friendship, that it wouldn't last forever; so why did it hurt so much worse, and in such a different way than when I had to send Mon-El away? Why did it piss me off so much when Lena mentioned me finding another relationship? Why did it turn my stomach inside out at the thought?
Nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I can't place these feelings I have for my own best friend, and I'm beginning to worry about my own sanity.
Maybe Lena is right, maybe this arrangement was a bad idea, and was only distracting me from finding another meaningful relationship. Perhaps I do need to find another boyfriend, and then I'll be able to come back to reality and grasp the concept of best friends again... I'll just ask Alex to set me up.
That will help... right?
Love always,
Kara Zor-El Danvers
When Alex finished reading, Lena's eyes were wide, her heart was aching, and her mind was swirling.
"K-Kara didn't write that." She demanded as she shook her head aggressively. She refused to let herself hope for something more. Because it sounded like she did have a chance to be with Kara, but Kara herself wasn't even sure of the magnitude of her own feelings towards Lena, and whenever she manages to figure them out, Lena's heart could still be destroyed... IT wasn't a guarantee, and Lena wasn't about to let herself hope.
Alex rolled her eyes. "I don't know any other adult that dots their eyes with hearts, so... yes, she did."
Lena shook her head. "It might not be love... Not romantic love, at least." She determined. "It might just be her confusing her feelings for Mon-El with me because of the sex."
Alex sighed. "Could be. But it could also be that she never really loved Mon-El, and because everyone told her that they were in love, she doesn't recognize that she's actually in love with you now."
Lena clenched her jaw, hating herself for feeling so much hope. "She can't be in love with me." She swallowed down a sob. "I'm a Luthor. I'd only destroy her."
Alex raised her eyebrow. "Do you really think that your last name would ever dissuade her from being with you?"
Lena lowered her head. "It should."
"But does it?" Alex prodded.
That last question caused Lena to sag in resignation as she shook her head. "No. It doesn't."
"Exactly. So, you need to talk to her."
Lena scoffed. "It's a bit too late for that. She's in a relationship now."
Alex didn't say anything for a moment; she just stood there with a dubious expression on her face. "You need to talk to her, and tell her that you want to be with her... It'll give her a chance to finally see that her feelings are more than she realizes they are and give her another chance to entertain them. And, if for some reason she decides that she doesn't want to be with you, then you two can figure out a way to be Best Friends without it killing you both. Oh, and no more casual sex either. You both deserve more than that."
Lena clenched her jaw. "Did you even hear what I just said? She has a boyfriend! She doesn't want to be with me... Her feelings have probably changed since she wrote that stuff down."
Alex shook her head. "She's said multiple times that they're just casual... Nothing exclusive yet. So, you wouldn't be breaking a couple up, just ending their casual dates."
Lena didn't want to even think about what else Kara might have been doing with Dustin and sighed. "I don't think I'm strong enough to handle the inevitable rejection, Alex. I've been dejected and rejected countless times by people I loved, but this is Kara... She is certain to always be the one that will hold my heart whether she wants me or not, and I don't think I'll be able to survive her telling me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. It will end me, Alex... I might just turn into my brother when it happens."
Alex put her hand on Lena's arm. "Whether she wants to be with you or not, I can't say. I can't speak for my sister, all I can do is speculate, and I'm not going to do that to you. What I do know is that she's never stopped caring about any of her friends that have been in love with her, she will always want you in her life. She's said that countless times. Kara believes in you, she cares for you, and your feelings for her will never change that. I can't promise you that this will end with you two living happily ever after, because she seems confused as hell right now, but the only person that can help clear everything up for her is you. I don't think she even thinks that you would be interested in being her girlfriend, so if she knew that, it might be just the push she needs to see that she's in love with you too."
Lena swallowed back her hope. "You think she's in love with me?"
"I didn't say that. I said she could be. As I said, I can't speak for Kara herself, all I can do is tell you what I see. If you want to know that for sure, you're going to have to talk to Kara herself and help her through this confusion. I don't think she's ever been in love before, so if she is in love with you, it would make sense that she is so confused right now. When she was with Mon-El, he made her believe that she was in love with him, and she believed him. When she was with/not with James, I think she just enjoyed having someone somewhat-understand where she was coming from as a Superhero because he was a friend of Clark's. That's all I can say, Lena. If you want to know, you have to talk to each other."
At that moment, Lena knew precisely what she had to do. She knew that this was a huge risk, that she had the ability to not only break her own soul but destroy her friendship with the only person that she'd do anything (and she meant anything) for.
But Kara was worth it. Kara was worth the heartbreak, Kara was worth the pain. Kara was worth it all... If she could take away this confusion from Kara, at the expense of her own sanity? She'd do it, and she'd do it with a smile on her face.
Notes:
I hope this explained Kara's point of view well. As always, thank you for reading, and your comments are all greatly appreciated:)
Notes:
I hope that this was enjoyable.
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