-3 Weeks Later-
"You look stunning, Alice!"
I blushed and smiled at my co-worker, Jenny, complimenting her in turn as we passed one another. She really did look flawless in her floor-length blue dress. I hadn't realized just how dressy 'dressy' meant, but apparently people went all out for these business parties.
I had opted for something halfway there. The black knee-length dress tightened only at the waist, offering some to the imagination, and showed off my legs a bit, which I wasn't very used to. My dark hair was twisted into a pretty, curly waterfall braid, and though my makeup was light, I had gotten complimented on it several times now.
I felt slightly out of my comfort zone, but I had learned in the past two months that taking a step outside of the box every now and again isn't always such a bad thing.
I located the snack table and popped a pretzel into my mouth. They had become my favorite thing to eat recently, and so the fact that they had them at the business party had brought my mood up by ten percent.
It was odd. I hated party atmospheres, yet I was actually enjoying myself. I suppose that might be because the club that had been rented out was nice and cleaned up. Everyone was being friendly, walking around and mingling in their nice clothing with glasses of champagne in their hands (which I had switched out for some apple cider), and just enjoying themselves. The music was merely background noise, something I could listen to when I wasn't chatting.
Two and a half weeks ago I had walked into my old office with a box, prepared to clean out my desk. There was no doubt in my mind that I would be fired in light of my recent absence, but I had been mistaken.
Apparently someone who had remained anonymous had called my former boss, Heidi Olsen, and informed her that one of her staff, Olivia, wasn't quite doing things she should be doing. Heidi had explained that Olivia had breached not one but several rules and had been both fired and sent to court and that I was needed 'more than ever' at the office now that were two down after Melanie left when her baby was born.
I had resigned though. I didn't think that I could bear to walk through that parking lot every morning, sit in my desk and remember everything that had happened there, and what it had led to. It had been the starting point of a plan that I was looking forward to wiping from my mind.
Heidi had done something weird then. She'd helped me get another job as a reporter at a higher up magazine, something that I hadn't ever expected from someone like her. I was nervous upon first arriving at the Glimmer Magazine Studios, but they were more welcoming than I could have thought possible.
Just two weeks later and I was attending my first business party. Everything had gone by in a blur, but it wasn't a bad blur. It was more of a bittersweet blur.
I tossed another pretzel in my mouth and straightened up, when suddenly an odd sensation swirled through me. It was a familiar one, something I had experienced countless times. The feeling that somebody was watching me.
I took a deep breath and scanned the crowd in front of me before turning on my heel and looking towards where a hall led off to the bathrooms.
For just a moment I could have sworn I saw a flash of a leather jacket and dark hair, but as soon as I blinked it was gone. I shook my head to myself. I hadn't seen anything. Slowly I turned back to the party where everyone continued to smile, chat, and compliment one another.
It was almost creepy how, even when you begin to experience something out of the norm for the setting you're in, the world goes on around you as if nothing's changed.
---
My eyes scanned the cramped bookshelf--a sign that I was in desperate need of investing in a new one--until they landed on a familiar novel that I had read countless times and still loved. I carefully pried the first Twilight book out from it's place between the classic Stuart Little and my first edition Hunger Games trilogy set and smiled at the worn cover.
I crossed the room and grabbed my tea off the coffee table before settling into the comfort of my couch and pulling a soft blanket over my lap. Quiet music tinkled in the background, just enough so that I wouldn't be completely enveloped in silence.
I took a sip from my tea and opened the book to the first chapter, prepared to begin reading, when I found myself frowning, the book falling into my lap and snapping shut.
For a few moments, I didn't understand what I was doing, until I realized with a jolt that about this time would be when my long lost best friend would be calling me from some club in a drunken haze, begging me to drive him home, or even better, let him crash at my place.
Every time, no matter how appalled by the idea I was, I agreed, and every time, he ended up becoming a hungover nuisance the following morning when I found him moaning and groaning for painkillers on my couch, but this time would be different.
I hadn't heard from Shane. He'd all but disappeared off the face of the Earth. My theory was that he'd gone back to America and given working there another go, but I couldn't be one hundred percent sure.
Wherever he had gone, I had been sure to change the locks on my door. I knew that it wasn't much, but the precaution helped me to sleep a bit easier at night knowing that no one but me had the key.
I settled back into the cushions and flipped open the book again, determined to not let the past dominate my thoughts, when three light taps at the door had me closing the novel once more. I sighed and set my things down on the coffee table before standing up.
I knew of no one that would come around at about midnight now. Only Elijah, but he would be home in a month or so, so I didn't have to worry about explaining things to him until he returned. Ignoring his calls had been easy to pass off on a busy work schedule.
Another knock at the door brought me back to the issue at hand. I crept towards the front of the house, grabbing my can of pepper spray on the way. I had stashed it near the front door for my just in case emergencies, but right now, I felt stupid holding the little can at the ready. I couldn't have grabbed a club or something too?
With slightly shaky hands I unlocked the door and pulled it open in one swift movement, my thumb prepared to shoot at the stranger when the can suddenly slipped from my hand as I saw the little chunk of my past that stood in the doorway.
"Zayn," a gasp left my lips. "What are you doing here?"
His normally tall quiff was flattened into a messier style that made him look older but definitely suited him. A small smile was on his lips. It surprised me that it met his dark eyes. "I was in the neighborhood," he answered swiftly. "Can I come in?"
"I... I'm not sure that that would be such a good idea," I admitted quietly.
I hadn't seen any of the boys, Zayn included, since I'd left Louis's house. The walk back to Bradford was almost perilous, but I'd managed to make it to the nearest bus stop and get a lift home. I hadn't heard from any of them either, so it was a major shock with Zayn showing up at my doorstep past midnight.
"Does it help that I'm not armed?" he asked, amusement alight in his eyes as he held up the bottom of his leather jacket and turned in a circle to show that he wasn't hiding any guns, knives, or pepper spray under there.
"It helps some, I guess," I sighed as I stepped aside. "Come on in."
He smiled gratefully at me as he passed. If it had been Harry at the door, I think I might have started throwing plates at him, but I knew that the other boys were completely against what had gone down a few weeks ago, and it made me feel slightly less hostile towards them.
I didn't feel the need to lock the door behind us considering I was with a highly dangerous, though apparently unarmed, gang member at the moment as I followed him back into my living room. I realized that Zayn had never been here before--none of the boys had--but he easily made himself comfortable on the armchair beside the couch. I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.
"So, what are you really doing here?" I asked as I shuffled forward to sit back down.
Zayn sighed and smiled softly. "I have two reasons. The first being that I wanted to make sure you were doing alright. I heard you got a new job. How's that going?"
"It's lovely," I smiled. "Everyone is so friendly and though it's pretty time-consuming, it's--wait, how did you know that? Why are you checking up on me?"
"Word travels fast," Zayn shrugged off the first question. "And I do care about you, Alice, no matter what you may think."
"I never doubted that," I mumbled in embarrassment. "It just surprises me that youshowed up."
Zayn smirked, understanding immediately. "He's keeping his distance. Wouldn't want you to pepper spray him." I blushed furiously when I realized that Zayn had noticed my small amount of self defense. "Lemon juice works better," he added.
"Thanks for the tip," I muttered.
"But really, how are you doing?" he pressed. I looked up at him. He seemed like he genuinely cared, though I couldn't be sure. I had learned that quite a few people I knew were brilliant actors. Who knew how well they could mask or even fake their emotions.
"Good," I said. "I'm working all the time, but that's okay because I enjoy it and I don't have anything else to do. It keeps my mind off things."
"But you're really, honestly... okay?" Zayn pressed, a frown beginning to form on his lips. "None of us knew how you would be after... after everything. You seem different now. More confident. Less anxious. Happier."
"I am happier," I smiled slightly, realizing that I was telling the truth, not just trying to comfort Zayn with my words. "I'm happier than I've been in a really long time."
I couldn't understand Zayn's expression but his face smoothed out as he nodded. "That's good. I'm glad you've found happiness."
"Me too," I replied lightly. "So what was the other reason you showed up?"
"Oh, right," Zayn nodded. He unzipped one of his jacket pockets and fumbled around in it for a moment before producing a blank CD case. A silver CD glinted inside and I noticed that someone had Sharpie'd on the letters 'AHF' on the otherwise empty front of it. He passed it to me.
"What is it?" I frowned when he didn't speak, examining the small case.
"A gift," he answered softly before abruptly standing. "I really have to go, Alice, but I hope you'll listen to that and I'll see you soon."
"Will you?" I murmured as he began to walk back the way we'd both come. He paused in his tracks and turned to look at me. "We're always around," he answered. "If you ever need us, if you're ever in trouble..."
I nodded. "Gotcha. Thank you, Zayn."
He smiled. "Of course. Take care."
He pulled the front door open, easily locking it from the inside, before shutting it. I heard him rattle the knob to ensure that it was secure, and then he was gone just as quickly as he had come.
I frowned at the CD case once more, confused by it. Zayn had mentioned listening to it. It was lucky that I had obtained a CD player a few years back, and though I'd never really used it, I was glad that I owned it now.
No longer interested in my Twilight book or tea, I ventured into my bedroom and pulled the old silver thing out from under my bed where I'd shoved it during one of my spring cleaning sessions. I hurriedly plugged it in to an outlet in the wall and sighed in relief when I realized that it was still fully functioning.
I popped open the CD case and stared down at the shiny front of it, reading and re-reading the three letters that I couldn't quite make sense of, before setting it carefully into the player and pressing play.
And this is what I heard...
Hi Alice.
I wasn't sure how to do this, how I was supposed to make everything right by you. I know that things may never be right between us, and I've come to terms with that, but that doesn't mean that I won't try to at least make this a little better.
So I guess I'm going to start with saying I'm sorry. I know that probably doesn't mean much. Words and sentences and speeches are just that until you put some meaning into them, and I don't think I've ever meant or felt the word sorry more than I do right now.
I remember awhile ago I told you that I wouldn't fuck this up. I would try my hardest to make this work, to make sure that we would be okay no matter what, but every single thing I try to love ends up getting hurt in the end. I end up losing every good thing that's ever happened to me. I lost Gemma, and now I lost you too.
I feel like I've lost a part of me, because in those few weeks I knew you, you became something more than just this girl I was supposed to help deliver. You became the girl that I wanted to hold at night when one of us couldn't sleep. You became the girl that I wanted to wake up next to with your hands on my chest and my arms around you. You became the girl that I could listen to forever and would never get bored from.
And I never faked any of that. Every kiss, every touch, every little loving thing about us was all more real than anything I've ever done in my entire life. It terrified me because nothing ever felt more right than just sitting there watching a movie with you and watching your reactions to the things on the screen and then I would brush your hair away from your face and you'd smile at me. It was the most perfect, beautiful thing in the world, that smile, and I was the reason for it, but now I'm the reason for your pain.
And I don't want you to be in pain ever. I want you to be so so happy. I want you to never have to worry about anything again, nothing except for what clothes to wear the next day or how you plan on wearing your hair. I never want you to worry about anyone hurting you ever again, because I promise that I'm not going to let that happen.
My world isn't a place for you, and it never was. I was stupid to try and bring you into it, especially when I knew I couldn't have you because of the plan. I was wrong to lead you on, to try and be something more than just that guy who'd gotten the job. But I don't regret a second of it now.
I told you that I regretted doing anything with you. The only thing I regret is accepting the job from Seth. I wish I would have known how special and amazing you were, so that I could meet you myself, but at the end of the day, we're from two different worlds, you and I.
I heard you got a new job. I'm so happy for you. The boys say that you've been smiling a lot recently, and that you seem happy. That makes me feel better than anything, knowing that no matter what, you're still able to laugh and feel good inside.
It hurts to know that I can't be the reason that your eyes light up when you're smiling, but I'd take my pain over your happiness any day. I hope that someday you'll be able to be the happiest person there ever was, and shine as bright as the beautiful star that you are.
And someday when you've found that man who will treat you with every ounce of respect and love that you deserve, and you're driving on your way to pick up your children from school after you've left work as the chief editor at some amazing magazine place, I hope you think of me, and you remember not all of the horrible bad things and the betrayal that tainted us, but the good times when I held you and called you my princess even though you didn't like it at first, or when we finally got a moment alone and you scared us with the car horn, or even when we went and visited your mother, who is lovely by the way.
I hope you look back and smile over that silly fuck up of a boy who somehow managed to fall for you, that silly girl who could never see how beautiful and perfect she was because no one ever bothered to really show her. I fell so hard for you, Alice, even though I tried so hard not to.
Because how could one not fall for someone like you? You're gorgeous and smart, and somewhere along the line you turned confident. You walked away from all of the hurt and you came back stronger, and though I love that, I think what I'm going to miss most about you are all of the little things.
The way you crinkle your nose when you laugh really hard or how when you're angry your eyebrows scrunch together and you get this pout on your lips. The way you always blushed no matter how or where I touched you, even if it was the lightest brush of a hand. The way you looked at me whenever I lost control of the darkness and got too angry, as if you weren't seeing the hard, bitter exterior, but looking at who I really was.
I think that each time you looked at me though, I softened a little bit. The dark cage that had encased my heart began to break, until finally I was able to push that darkness away from me completely. So, thank you, Alice, for saving me from this black hole I was spiraling into.
I will never, ever regret you and I think that no matter what, you will always be a part of me, because, the truth is that, I love you.
I love you more than I've ever loved anything else and I love you with every ounce of love that I have in me. You have touched something inside of me that no one could ever reach before. You have awakened a new light in me, and I can never tell you how grateful I am for you.
I am so lucky to have known you, no matter how much it might hurt knowing that I can't have you, I am so glad that I had the time with you that I did.
I know this won't change anything. I know that what I did means that this can never truly be fixed. I betrayed you. I broke your trust. I hurt you so badly, so I know that this damage is permanent, but I think you deserved to know how I feel.
So go and live your life to the fullest. Go and make friends and have good times and make good memories, and let all of these bad times slip from your mind, and if you're ever feeling sad, just remember that I love you, that someone somewhere out there loves you.
I love you. Goodbye, baby... my princess.
I couldn't move. I could barely so much as breathe as Harry's deep voice faded into a song that I had never heard before, but I was sure to listen to every single word, and somewhere through those words, I realized that it was Harry singing.
Would you dance
If I asked you to dance?
Would you run
And never look back?
Would you cry
If you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?
Would you tremble
If I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die
For the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.
I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
Would you swear
That you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you, oh, yeah.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well, I don't care...
You're here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain, oh, yeah.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.
I can be your hero.
The song, too, faded out and silence filled the room.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how I should react to this. My heart felt impossibly heavy in my chest, my mind hazy as I heard Harry's voice swirling in my head. If you're ever feeling sad, just remember that I love you, that someone somewhere out there loves you.
I couldn't be sure of anything in that moment though, nothing except for Harry's words.
Harry loved me. Harry Styles loved me.
Yet I knew that he was right, that it didn't change anything. If I had learned anything in my life through my relationships with both Seth and Harry, it was that sometimes love just wasn't enough.
There was one thing I was completely sure of now though.
This world is full of so many different types of people, but I think in the end it really settles down into two categories: the good and the bad. I could never really tell which one he belonged under, but I think that I finally understand where he fits in.
No matter what, Harry Styles is good. No matter how many wrongs he's done, I couldn't let myself believe that he's a bad person.
Harry Styles, the boy who was a monster, the boy who was a fuck up...
He was a hero. He was my hero. And I was hisprincess.
And no matter what happened, or where I went, or who I was with, I knew that that would forever be true, because just as Harry said I was a part of him, Harry Styles would always be a part of me too.