I had a tough time trying to fall asleep last night because I kept wanting to get Harry to talk to me. I wanted to know what it was, that I said, that made him go silence and not want to speak to me anymore. The night had gone off so perfectly until I the conversation about Zayn and I didn't want to have to go through this every time him or Louis came up.
Apparently, I was able to fall asleep at some point. I don't know how late it even was but Liam still hadn't returned from partying with the team. Maybe he wasn't going to come back at all because he assumed we were trying to spend alone time together. I think that was the last thing Harry wanted now.
When I woke up, I had no idea which version of Harry the morning would be gracing me with. Maybe Harry had slept away all his negative thoughts and feelings about Zayn. He had more important things to be thinking about. I was fine and he needed to believe that I was. Then there was the chance that I'd wake up to the same distant Harry that I had the pleasure of falling asleep next to.
I did open my eyes and I did find Harry's back to me, the hotel sheets and blankets resting just above his waist. I could see the outline of his spine through his shirt from his half-curled position as he slept. I remained quiet, not wanting to disturb the unsettling peace that was between us.
I turned onto my back before I looked across from my shoulder to see that Liam hadn't been there. I don't think that he even came back last night. I probably would have heard him last night since I wasn't too interested in trying to sleep. He probably just stayed in someone else's room because he didn't want to intrude on us.
This morning I also didn't care much about my breath so, I wasn't frantically looking around for something to hide it. I decided that I wasn't going to wait for Harry to wake up. Instead, I was going to get myself ready for the day by getting dressed and going down for breakfast. Then I would probably try and get set on packing my bag up some. No matter what happened with the game, we were going back home tonight either way. I needed to be prepared for something so I chose the easiest thing.
"Liam went down for breakfast if you want to join him. Then he's going for his morning workout." Harry's voice sounded, startling me some as I shifted to get out of bed and head to the bathroom.
I stopped myself from getting out of the bed completely, folding one leg to rest on the bed as my other rested against the side of the bed. I turned my body to see Harry, his back still to me. "How long have you been awake?" I asked him, glancing down at the sheets.
"I don't really know." He answered. "What about you?"
"Just a few minutes." I said, still sensing the non-physical distance between us. I really didn't like it much. I actually felt a bit annoyed about it because I just didn't understand why he was acting like this.
Harry let out a sigh before he picked his head up from his pillow and looked over his shoulder to me. His tongue traced over his lips after another sigh left his from his mouth.
I don't really know what I was waiting to hear from him. Maybe I wanted to hear him say that he was sorry for blocking me out with no warning after I told him what he wanted to know. If he didn't want to hear about Zayn then he shouldn't have asked. Harry was either unable to handle hearing it or he was just being flat out stubborn and just didn't want to. At the same time it was actually a good thing that he asked me because we couldn't avoid talking about it forever. I already tried to avoid the actual bullying before and that didn't work out. Talking about it was what got me here. I really liked it here.
"So," I started, letting my fingers glide against the soft surface of the sheets before I glanced up to Harry, not wanting to press on but I found that maybe that's just what I had to do with him to get him to deal with his life. I couldn't be afraid to avoid arguing with him and pretend that everything was just perfect between us now.
"What?" Harry asked me through my long pause. On some level he had to know what I was going to say, that I wasn't going to just go about today ignoring the slight downfall from last night. I'd love to think that last night had ended with Harry taking his jersey off of me but I couldn't use a fantasy life to escape anymore.
"I'd just like to know why you decided to just end the conversation so abruptly last night. You completely shut me out after I told about what happened at the match." I bit the inside of my cheek, trying my best not to shout my words at him. I could feel the ill feeling in my stomach that this wasn't going to be a good morning.
He swallowed back and I knew he didn't want to answer me but I think he owed me the explanation anyway. "I guess once you said Zayn was there that I started to just think back to how he's hurt you and I didn't want to talk about him anymore."
There shouldn't be any guessing. If it affected him so strongly, then he should know how he feels.
"You just didn't want to talk about him anymore?" I asked him, not fully believing him. I knew Harry probably wanted to never have to have another conversation about Zayn and Louis ever again. They weren't in the past to him, they just didn't exist anymore. "Then you could have just told me that you didn't want to and we could have talked about it after this trip." He paused, his lower lip now covered by his top row of teeth. "I should have gone with you when you went to the restroom."
I began shaking my head at him. There was nothing that he could have done and I didn't need him leaving the bench just before he played to walk me to the restroom like I was some child.
"No, there's no point in making yourself think about what could have went wrong. Nothing went wrong, Harry. This was for me to go through on my own." I scratched that back of my neck, no longer feeling comfortable sitting down so close to him on the bed.
I stood up and crossed my arms over my stomach, not really knowing what I even wanted to do with them. Then I looked down to Harry and I felt like I was suddenly towering over him. He turned so that he was now facing me, his eyes trying their best to never leave mine.
"I don't need a protector every second of my life." I told him as I realised something about us that I once thought was so great about the two of us. "I'm pretty much with you every second."
"And is there something so bad about that? We spend time together. Boyfriends do that, Niall." He said as he scratched at his cheek.
We spent a lot of time together, like he was the only person I ever wanted to share the entire world with. I could have spent more time with Liam and some of the others that I was starting to get off with. I didn't. I seemed to have chosen Harry over them because I wanted that time with him that we couldn't have around them.
"I thought this was supposed to be about Zayn? This sounds like you're making this about me and how I'm just trying to keep you safe." His voice sounding like he was accusing me of the worst.
His accusations were correct.
This wasn't just about Zayn. It was about practically everything, even the things I promised myself that I would never get annoyed with. Many of things happened to involve Harry because I was with him all the time and there were things I would brush off before just to keep the both of us happy.
Oddly enough, it had something to do with the way he cared about me. Of course, I've always wanted Harry to show some kind of interest in me and maybe that was still blinding me and I didn't even know that was what was happening.
There was something in Harry's touch and they way that he touched me that I could have just lost my ability to think properly. It was because I wanted it so bad that I accepted it. He always reassured me that when he touched me it was going to be positive, instead of all the times I've been hurt by the human touch.
"This isn't just about Zayn, you're right. Harry, you can't treat me like like I'm always going to break. I thought you knew I've been trying really hard not to be that way." I confessed to him, never having thought I'd ever tell Harry to stop caring about me too much.
Now, Harry had gotten himself up and out of bed as well. His hand running from the front of his hair to the back, grabbing it at the back of his neck. "And you should know me, Niall. That I'm not treating you like a devalued social case because I feel bad about what happened to you." His voice got louder as he spoke, his voice apparent that he hadn't had enough sleep. "I treat you the way you should be treated."
"Sometimes I can't help but to feel differently." I muttered and let out a sigh.
"Unbelievable. Fucking unbelievable." He shook his head, his eye contact falling from my own. "I told you if you ever wanted me to stop that I would. You could have told instead of letting me think that what I've been doing was actually making you feel better."
"I didn't know then."
Terrible defense on your case.
"But you suddenly know that now?"
For the record, I did enjoy when Harry's hands were gentle with me. I just didn't want his actions to be associated with the fact that those hands didn't want to be like the others every single time. i already knew that he would never hurt me in the way that Zayn and Louis had. He didn't need to keep reminding me of it.
I really wished that I had stayed on just the topic of Zayn.
"So, what do you expect me to do? Not touch my boyfriend ever again? That's not going to happen." He told me in a low voice.
"No, that's not it. I'm just trying to have a serious conversation with you about how I feel and I want you to just talk to me back. I want to know how you feel; not just some apology about me not liking something."
"How I feel." He repeated and that emotion I wanted to see from him still wasn't there. Maybe I was pushing too hard now and asking too much from him. Maybe I should apologise to him.
"Well, right now, I feel like what I've been doing is not enough for you. I feel like I've been doing everything best by you and that you felt safe with me. I feel like you've just told me that I've failed you. I've failed us."
I nodded, taking in his words and starting to feel what Harry was feeling. I knew that he didn't respond well when it came to failure but he didn't fail me and he didn't fail. I never wanted to be the one to tell him that he failed. We were allowed to have setbacks in relationships and in our own separate lives. It wasn't easy having to deal with them, especially if we never really let ourselves do that.
We try out best to avoid moments like this.
I let out a breath, thinking that I was always the one who wasn't enough for Harry.
"You are enough, Harry. You're more than enough. You were the one I always wanted." I licked at my lips.
He let out a sigh, walking around the bed and then over to me. His green eyes searching mine for some anchor of hope that all this negativity with us was going to vanish. "Then can we just get past this?"
"It's not something that we can just apologise for. We have to get things through to each other."
"Can I be the one to ask you something about Zayn?" His voice became soft again, his hand wanting to rest on my arm but he was rather hesitant about touching me now because I tainted that for him.
I nodded slowly, hoping that when I answered whatever his question was that it wouldn't set us back even further than what was already far from where we were happy.
"When Zayn talked to you was it easy for you to accept his apology?"
I had only thought about accepting it.
"He didn't care whether or not I accepted it or not and I never once told Zayn that I accepted his apology. Do you think I'm just going to do that and become friends with him? No. I'd never be friends with Zayn after what happened but I could give us both that closure and not have to be afraid anymore."
He nodded and stepped back from me. This was where I had the fear that he was gong to close himself back off from me. "Isn't that what you wanted from me at one point? That was how we really became friends, right? We couldn't move on until I told you that I was sorry and that I screwed up for never helping you. "
"Are you really going to throw that back at me?"
"I'm not throwing it back at you. I'm doing what you want me to, again. I'm just telling you how I feel. I just wanted to make you happy because happiness looks good on you, Niall."
We hadn't gone where I wanted to. I learned from this though. I learned that our reality together was not one that was working out like we thought it was.
I nodded, my entire face felt like it was heavy. I knew that at any moment, whether Harry was near me or not, that I was going to cry. I felt like I was going to be a massive hypocrite and just run away from this conversation,
"I'm going down to get some breakfast. I think we both just need to get away from each other for a little while. I'll see you when I get back?" Truthfully, I wasn't going to be able to stomach a damn thing.
________________________________
I had used the lift ride down to try and keep myself from having a massive cry. As always, I wasn't processing things well and just wanted everything to be back to how extremely amazing it was between us before this. I would have felt this way about any big fight with Harry anyone I just never wanted it to be now, which ties right back into the problems we were having.
Avoidance.
Hiding.
Self-worth.
Failure.
People had enough trouble dealing with those things on their own and when you put two people like that together, it's just a fucking mess.
We were a fucking mess.
I never wanted to be one.
"Not attached at the hip this morning. Must be trouble in paradise." I heard Blake comment as I walked over to the toaster by myself. If anything, I could probably eat a piece of toast with nothing on it.
Instead of going back to what had just occurred, I rolled my eyes. Blake didn't know anything about us but he still was free to joke about us. I wondered how he, and the rest of the team, would feel once they learned that me and Harry have been together secretly for as long as we had. I wondered if those jokes would ever stop.
We did live in a false sense of paradise.
"Morning, Niall." Josh greeted me as he reached over next to me to grab an apple.
I was a bit surprised any of them were awake already after their other victory party. Maybe they didn't too much partying at all and just spent more time together. Parties weren't all about the drinks, drugs, hookups, fights, and whatever else people got into at those things.
"Hey, Josh." I nodded as I took a piece of bread to put into the toaster.
"A group of us lads are going on a run if you care to join us." He told me as he studied that apple until he seemed satisfied with it.
"Not for me but thanks anyway." I shook my head. Running wasn't really something I enjoyed doing and I don't think I'd be able to keep up with most of them.
"Alright, then do you mind passing the invite onto Harry? I'm sure he'd come along with us since we'll be focusing on getting ready for the match." He sent me a smile and a nod before he went back over to join Blake and some of the others.
At least, I'd get to talk to Harry about something other than all the problems I've seemed to have loaded onto us. Plus, I think he'd take that run to get away from me and possibly clear his head. Yeah, I didn't want Harry to hold back and stress himself out. This type of escape was healthier to me than just swallowing them back and letting them eat away
I needed to also clear mine. It wasn't fair to Harry to make him be, as well as think, that he was the only one who needed to fix things. I had just as much responsibility in this as he did. I made it seem like I was piling it all onto him. I hoped that he wasn't in the room right now beating himself so far down that he wouldn't be able to be picked up again. I didn't know we could even affect each other that way.
I just needed to figure out what I needed to do to clear my own head. I never really had one certain thing I could always go to to get myself right again. I mean, I could picture Harry in ways that I learned he wasn't, but that wasn't a healthy way for me to deal. It also was using Harry in a way I shouldn't be.
If the pool was empty I would probably end up there. I didn't need to hear the splashes or screams of uncontrollable children. Sure, they could just be having fun but I needed quiet. I needed to just be somewhere different.
After I finished my breakfast, I had to go back upstairs to tell Harry about the boys going for a run. Before I left, not only to give me and Harry extra time, I went to see how busy the pool was. It was still the morning so I was sure that nobody was in there. There were actually quiet a few people.
I knocked on the door to our room, forgetting to ask Harry for the spare key; not that I really could. I also didn't see Liam down at breakfast so I couldn't ask him to borrow his. Harry had to be the one to let me in. If he really wanted, he could make me stay out in the hall.
But he didn't.
He wasn't the type of person, unless Zayn or Louis were outside the door.
You need to stop reminding him of shit, too.
"Hey," I greeted him, somewhat shyly.
"Hi," he responded back to me as he moved out of the way so I could walk inside. As I went by him I could feel how much strain there was between us still and neither of use had enough time in between last speaking.
"Some of the boys are going for a run after breakfast. They told me to let you know." I said as I stuffed my hands into my pockets. I looked to Harry awkwardly like I was really back to being that water boy from before.
"Thanks." Harry said as he closed the door, Then he walked back over to his gym bag and began pulling out clothes. I took that as accepting the invitation to go running.
Once Harry had piled the clothes onto the bed, he looked at me from across it and let out a sigh. As he did this morning, he walked around it and came over to me. This time he wrapped his arms around me in a hug, rocking my body back and forth in his arms as he rested his chin on my shoulder, putting his face between my neck. I felt his unsteady breath against my skin.
I let myself put my arms around him, not so he felt that I was trying to ignore him. I wanted to comfort him back. I was actually sorry for the way that I had acted and I wished I had gone about what I said differently. I meant what I said, just not the way I said them.
I didn't really know what to do with my hands once they pressed onto Harry's back. I just let them rest there. I didn't give him the comfort I was familiar with but he seemed to still be able to comfort me without having to think about it too damn much.
Back to square one for Horan.
Harry pulled away and grabbed his clothes to change into before he walked towards the door. "I'm gonna go to Josh's room." He sent me a small smile before he opened the door and left.
Give him that time.
Give him that space.
Just be fair to him.
I was supposed to wait for him and not push him. He was supposed to come to me when he knew that he couldn't do any of it by himself. I must have just grown tired of having to wait but that could come off as me not thinking he couldn't commit to doing it on his own. I think he needed a push from me. I wasn't one to ever push anyone.
This time I waited for him. I waited for him to return from his run so I could try and explain myself better instead of forcing so much on him at once; not that I could undo any of that.
I couldn't come up with the ultimate solution but I could come up with some sort of starting point. I couldn't just take in what I wanted. I had to think about Harry too.
Once I had it, all I had to do was keep waiting for Harry.
When Harry returned to the room and hour or so later, I sat up from where I was miserably laying down on the bed. His skin was slightly pink and his arms and face were washed over with some sweat. It was a look I was used to seeing and I still liked it.
He somewhat acknowledged me before he went into the bathroom. He could have changed in front of me but I didn't really care that he didn't.
He came out in the clothes he left in, his sweaty clothes still in the bathroom.
"I don't like this." I told him a moment later before I motioned in between us. "I don't like how this feels and that we seemed to pull apart."
I wondered why I still could tell him that we were allowed to feel this way regardless of enjoying it.
Harry nodded and just let me continue running my mouth, which got us here in the first place.
"It's obviously not going to be resolved and then we'll go back like those words were never said. I meant what I said, Harry, and you meant what you said." I paused, shaking my head and muttering to myself how I needed to be better at not making this sound like I was aiming at upsetting the both of us. I looked back to Harry, this time being the one to get up and go over to where he was.
"We need to understand ourselves before we can understand each other." I watched the look on Harry's face change to absolutely defeated. For all I knew he thought about all these things to make us better on his run and I've just crushed them all, crushing him as a person as well. It was then where I reached out to him, even though I was sitting and he was standing by the luggage bags.
I needed him closer to me for this.
Harry fingers shook at his sides as he repeatedly let his hands try to make fists but they weren't strong enough to stay curled up. Then he walked over to me, stopping just in front of me and offering his hands to me to help me stand up.
I took his hands, needing the support from him. I looked into his eyes, hoping that I could say the next thing right so some hope could restore into his eyes. There was still so much hope for us.
"I'm not saying I want to break up. That's not what will fix us. We have to stop secluding ourselves and hiding. It all just builds up, you know?" I paused, knowing he wasn't going to answer. He was just going to be there and listen. "We have to be have to be honest, Harry, even when we don't want to be. We shouldn't treat each other like the people we met but as the people we are now."
I waited for those eyes to light up again but they didn't. Harry's face remained as a stare, still waiting for the part where things were going to be good again.
"Last night," I began before I raised one hand to softly play with his hair. I wondered if he was going to cry and I didn't want that. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to be the cause of it.
"And all the other times, I know you were letting me know how much you appreciate me. I wasn't letting you do that just to please you and have you think that it was working on me. You helped me before we even got together. We both need to know this. I'm the way I am now because I feel like I don't need to hide myself from you anymore. I'm ready for our relationship to not be behind closed doors anymore. It scares you and it scares me, too, but neither of us are alone in this Harry. We have each other, my mum, and Liam. "
For some reason I just couldn't stop talking. I don't know why I felt the need to continue on explaining myself. Actually, I did. This is the closet I've ever felt to feeling like I could lose Harry before. I had to speak to Harry like I understood where he was coming from, something that I felt he lacked doing with me.
My hands went to Harry's cheeks, my thumbs smoothing over his skin as I held his gaze. If any tears would fall from his eyes, I'd be right there to get them before they fell too far.
"I get that you want me to be appreciated by the team but it's not quite working out how you want to and I think it's because you, we, can't express to them that we're now in a relationship, yeah? Keeping us a secret is holding us back and not just with the team."
Harry's has a lot going on in his life right now and I think if he can figure it out in pieces and not all at once, like I had tried to make him partially do this morning, that he won't be the one crumbling into a mess. I'd rather have him be able to freely explain himself instead of getting caught and then either having to explain himself or have the people he cared about turn their backs on him. Yeah, it's possible that Harry could muster the courage to come out and still have people not want to welcome him with open arms, but he had to live through that instead of just thinking it and scaring himself off.
He's always been the one to push me to do things I was never comfortable with and now I was finally returning the gesture.
I never thought the tables would turn.
Actually, I never thought any of it would turn out like this.
Harry's hands covered mine, holding my wrists a bit firmly to the point I thought he might try and remove them from his face, but then they loosened and went to my hands. He blinked a few times before his stare remained on me without a distraction. "I understand. And, being honest with you, I really wish we could have waited to have this conversation. Saw Coach down in the lobby when we came in. Match's in two hours."
The match and how Harry had always been before them never once crossed my mind this entire morning.
All I could think about was what was wrong with us.
He really didn't understand then because I was tired of waiting until he felt it was the right time.
And maybe, I really didn't understand him either.
When would the right time and our time be that for Harry?
We were unravelling.
It can't be perfect forever
Actually, we were never perfect.
I wished that I hadn't wasted so much time letting us try to make us that way.