No matter how many times it’s going to be Friday, I’m hungry
The cafeteria was packed full of people. I didn’t remember it being this full before. Either that, or I wasn’t actually paying attention. Sure, I ate lunch here every day, but I always made it late. I was usually the last out of the pool, and only got to lunch after everyone floated out…I guess. I seem to be guessing a lot of things these days. Or day – seen so this one was never ending.
I only made it into the cafeteria on time today because I was so busy trying to beat Russell in swimming that I got out of the pool and showered before she’d even finished her lap and grabbed her towel. I’d gotten out of there quickly, too, because she’d given me a hard glare in the changing room, and the last thing I wanted right now was a fight. It wasn’t worth it, anyway. What was the point? If I was dead, she would get my scholarship, and if I was just in a surreal dream instead, when I wake up, she wouldn’t remember it. I’d just save it for this evening, when I swim in front of the scout. All my energy will be channeled into that.
Swimming. There was nothing wrong with swimming. I put one arm in front of the other, I breathed in when my head turned towards the surface, I swam one way, I kept going forward, I kept living. The cafeteria, on the other hand, had lots wrong with it. There were people here I liked, people I didn’t, but there were people I didn’t even know, or hadn’t noticed before. I didn’t know the guy sitting by himself in the corner, or the girl trying to flirt with a teacher. I didn’t know half these people. Would I ever get to know them? Would I ever know their names? I breathe the same air as them – and have done for four years – so why do I not know some of their names? Why are some of the people foreign to me?
It was a shame that some people, we didn’t have a second for, and others we had a lifetime for. But there are also people who have hours of our time that don’t deserve a single second. And one of those people are Matthew, even if he is Vincent’s best friend. My time, and Vincent’s for that matter, would have been better suited with the smart guy who aced all his tests instead of Matthew. It was a shame Matthew was the way he was, I didn’t see his life taking him very far if he continued to make everything into a joke. And today’s punch line was a girl called Madeline George, who’d spilt her food on the table and nearly slipped on the liquid that had slipped to the floor. He was laughing at her.
I slammed my tray of lunch down on the table, and he stopped looking to glare at me. Vincent also looked up, sheepishly, winced and went back to eating an apple. Apparently, he hadn’t found Madeline’s accident amusing, either.
“What’s wrong, Marisol?” Matthew asked, raising his brow. “Can’t you lighten up?”
“I’d only laugh if that happened to you.”
“Shame I’m not a klutz.”
“Isn’t it?” I replied. Matthew was smirking at me, but I was no longer paying attention to him. Behind him, wearing less than I would have liked, in order to impress someone, was my sister Kendal. I hoped, if I really was dead, that she’d go to my funeral, and lay down a flower. On the way home, I imagined that she’d stop at a grocery store to pick up some milk, and bump into one of the guys here that she, too, didn’t know existed. I hoped that she’d fall in love, and have children, and she’d make my parents proud, because she’ll grow into a beautiful young woman. If I wasn’t dead, I hope that I’ll get to see that happen. I know whatever she’ll become, she’ll make me proud, because she’ll grow up, and grow out of the habit of trying to impress people that don’t deserve it.
I dropped my bag down on the table and made a beeline for my sister. She looked at me, surprised, gripping her tray tighter.
“Marisol?”
“Kendal,” I hissed.
Her brow creased, and her eyes widened. For a moment, she looked young again. She looked how I’ve always seen her, my young, beautiful sister. “What?”
“Stop it. Stop this right now. Get this out of your head. He’s not worth it, and you’re better than that. You deserve better than him. You don’t need it. You don’t need to try and impress him because you’ve got better things to worry about. You’re got lots to sort out and organize. You can’t chuck your life away, Kendal. It’s too short, honey. One day you’ll wake up and wonder where it all went – but hopefully not where it all went wrong – and you’ll think back to this part of your life.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Have you lost your mind?”
Yes, I thought. I’m dying every twenty-four hours and then I’m waking up again. It’s the same day if I want it to be. It’s a different day if I change just one thing. It doesn’t matter what I do to stop it, or what I try and do to change it, I keep dying, and reliving this one, stupid Friday. My life is in a hiatus, and I can’t do anything to stop it. I can’t try and turn it into a different day. I can’t move forward and I can’t move back. “No,” I replied. “I’m just trying to warn you—” I stopped myself. If this wasn’t the day I died – as this was the third time it’s Friday – then I couldn’t warn her. Everything about today was irrelevant. She wouldn’t learn anything. I wouldn’t be able to show everyone that this was important. This didn’t really exist. This wasn’t real life. If I couldn’t warn people and if I couldn’t help people, then what was I doing here?
“Warn me about what?”
“Life’s too short, Kendal.”
“Did you swallow too much chlorine earlier, or what?”
“I’m being serious,” I said bitterly.
“So am I,” Kendal said tartly.
Just like that I realized that our lives were in completely different places. Sure, we lived in the same house, had the same friends and family, and even had – roughly – the same IQ. But she was a figment of my imagination right now, I guess. I’d left her behind the day I died in that basement. Because I must have died. This couldn’t be a dream, not one that span on this long and always ended in my tragic demise.
A made a noise at the back of my throat and walked off back to the table. I watched as Kendal followed, bewildered and cross. It made me frustrated that I was only trying to help her, and she wasn’t accepting it. She couldn’t see. She didn’t understand. She sat down next to Matthew and smiled at him. I sighed.
Vincent leaned in close to me. His cologne wafted up my nose and nearly made me sneeze. At least all my senses were normal. At least today I didn’t smell strawberries. Although I haven’t died this time yet – I have a few hours left. It’s almost humorous to wonder how I’m going to die this time, to see what fate gives me as a new punishment. It’s just a shame I don’t know what I’m being punished for. I don’t know what mistake to learn from.
“Everything alright?”
“Everything is perfect,” I said, trying to smile. My lips wouldn’t curve up, my mouth felt dry, and I couldn’t tell him what was happening to me. If I told the table what was wrong with me, they’d think I’d gone mad. And maybe I was going mad. There were so many explanations for this, yet nothing to describe or explain what was happening to me.
“Really? What was that with your sister? It seemed a little heated.”
“Just family stuff, Vincent,” I said quickly, scanning the cafeteria again. “Nothing you should be bothered with.”
“Fine.”
“And I can’t believe it,” Matthew perked up, talking loudly. “I got detention. Doesn’t that suck. Vincent got away with it, but if Marisol hadn’t gone swimming, I would at least have had some company.”
Kendal giggled. “What did you get a detention for?”
“Skipping.” Matthew smirked.
“There’s more important things in life, Matthew, than getting detention and skipping classes. Maybe you should buckle down and try in school. Hopefully, one day, you’ll wake up and realize how ridiculous and stupid you are now. Hopefully, you don’t end up a nut job. Hopefully, you finally find something good to do, to redeem yourself for being an asshole.”
“Marisol!” Vincent said in a raised voice as Kendal kicked me under the table.
“Quit being a freak, sis,” Kendal grunted.
Matthew cocked his head and chuckled in amusement. “What’s wrong, Marisol? Is something strange happening to you?”
“What?” I asked. What could he know about what was happening to me… unless it was happening to him too? If so, why did I have to be connected to Mathew, of all people, in this whirlwind of a situation?
“Everyone thinks you’re acting weird.”
“Yeah,” my sister bucked up, backing him up. “What’s getting into you?”
“You know, Kendal, this should be happening to you.” I said. I couldn’t stop it. I was angry. This was happening to me and now everyone was turning on me. It wasn’t fair. Nothing about life was fair. “At least then you’d get a different perspective. You’d learn a thing or two that will help you make better choices in life. You’d learn to stop being so naïve and stupid.”
“There’s nothing even happening to you. The only problem you have is stress. You’re only stressed because of swimming, and winning the race for the coach and scout. You’re only stressed because you woke up this morning in a mood, as you didn’t want to party, but had to pick Vincent up. You’re only stressed because you stole money to fill up your car.”
There’s nothing even happening to you. Her words stung. They hit me like a train, and made me want to cry. They were lies, and horrid. I laughed bitterly. “You have no idea, Kendal. You really don’t.”
I looked down at my still-full plate of food, feeling sick. I wasn’t hungry anymore. I wasn’t happy anymore. I was so done with trying to live this day over, with trying to live it right.
I got up, and started for the exit. Vincent grabbed my hand, concern filling his face. “Where are you going?”
“To find Imogen,” I replied. “No one has even bothered to ask where she is. Some friends you lot are, you don’t even realize when your friends are nowhere to be seen. Isn’t it odd? You’re all too busy wrapped up in your own lives, you don’t care about other people.”
“She’s gone psycho.” Matthew muttered.
“Marisol!”
“Come on, Marisol. Imogen’s busy,” Vincent said. “Now stop it. Everyone’s looking at you.”
I scanned the cafeteria. True to his words, most of the faces I didn’t recognize, or couldn’t match with a name, along with the people I’d known for years, were all staring at me. Some were even pointing and whispering. But they didn’t understand either. They didn’t know what was happening to me. They couldn’t see.
“Like I care,” I spat, yanking myself free. If I was going to die today, then I was going to make this right. I would win this race tonight, I would catch the scout’s eye in this meet, and I would be happy. I’d like to see if I could have turned it around and accomplished something. I’d like to see if I could do something right in this hell. I sure wouldn’t give up the only thing that makes sense right now.