"What is wrong?"
William's arm wrapped around my waist securely. His lips were near my ear, kissing it every so often as we talked. I could not sleep. Not at all.
After lunch Thorian disappeared. He did not come around for dinner, nor did his father. His bruises looked so awful...it made me sick to know that Sirus put his hands on Thorian. Then again I knew the way lycans were. They handled disputes with their fists.
I wondered if I could have turned that around...the Lycan way of handling things with blood, if I stayed. If he allowed me to stay.
"Please...tell me, Esmerelda."
William was so sweet.. He was ecstatic after I introduced him as my betrothed. He was in such a good mood that he let Esa and Rowena play in his hair and attempt to steal his sword many times. It was comical and adorable.
"It is nothing," I told him as his hands went to my hair. Stroking it gently. "I just...I wonder how life would be if Sirus would have let me stay...it bothered me all of these years...but now that I am here it aggravates me. I know I cannot change the past...I just wonder."
His hand continued to run through my hair soothingly as I waited for him to speak. Was he upset with what I had to say? "I wonder what life would be like if I could give my first wife a child...her smile was infectious, our child would have a beautiful smile...but then I think if we did not part ways...I would have never met you, Esmerelda."
If Sirus did not banish me...I would have never found myself in my kingdom. I would have never been the first independent female ruler. I would have not known William and his love...
The thought of not having this man by my side petrified me. I grabbed at his hand that was stroking my hair, and grasped unto it tightly. I brought his hand up to my cheek that was now wet with my own tears... If that woman looked past I minor fault....he would still be with her. Not me.
What would have happened to me? Without William I would probably have died..or ended my life from my despair. "Esmerelda...please do not cry. Do not sob and profess me your betrothed in the same day," he said gently while pulling his hand away.
He sat up and turned me so that I could be facing him. I could see him but my tears were making him seem hazy and blurry...and I hated when I cried this much that I could not even make an image clear...
"I...I do not know what I would do without...without you," I confessed to him as my tears began to overwhelm me once more. I clutched to him desperately, soaking his night shirt with my fears and worries, and what ifs.
After my bout of tears, he held me close to his chest...and I listened to his heartbeat as he hummed gently. "Esmerelda...if I let you go...you will not start crying again, will you?" He mused.
I scoffed, straightening myself up as I wiped under my eyes. He was referring to my younger self, when I first arrived back at my kingdom. I would sob like a child until I fell asleep in his arms. If he even made the slightest of movements...I would become terrified that he might leave and go into hysterics. I suppose I came a long way..
"I am fine, William," I sighed out, a small smile on my lips. "You saved me."
His smile faltered. "I did not save you, Esmerelda. Did I make you breathe each day? Did I eat for you? Make royal decrees, laws? I did none of that. Yes I helped you realize your worth to us, but if you did not see it you would have ended yourself a long time ago. You willed yourself to get better. Me or Edwin may have been driving forces for you, but we did nothing but encourage...you did the work."
He grabbed my hands and kissed my palms. "William...you will make me become inconsolable once again," I chastised him, feeling my tears beginning to well up again. "Tell me something funny or surprising so that I might laugh and not crawl under the bed and cry once more."
I use to request him to tell me riddles or jokes when we were younger and all of them were so awful that I had no choice but to laugh! "Well my first wife has married yet another man."
As I wiped at my tears I turned towards him frowning. "You must be jesting...what is wrong with that woman?!" I wanted to hit her, repeatedly with a large wooden flank but William always advised against it. Edwin agreed with me of course.
"I do not know...apparently her second husband was also sterile," he sighed out shaking his head. "Maybe she is attracted to men who are weak."
That made no sense...being sterile was not common for men. Not at all...and the chances of her being with a man that was sterile twice. That was more than a bit of suspicion. Then it dawned on me. "William...you are not sterile!" I said while grabbing unto his shoulders and shaking him a bit.
He gave me a wary look. "Esmerelda...we have tried many times again to have children, her and I and it never worked. I have the ability to have sex but that is it...nothing ever comes of it."
Did he not understand what I was implying?! "William that woman is barren. I am sure of it...you are not sterile."
William sat...quietly, not saying a word. Just closing his eyes and breathing in and out. I watched him, realizing he was trying to reign in his anger. I wonder if his anger tactics would work on Sirus...he definitely needed something to stop his horrid anger. So did Thorian.
"If that is true then we may be able to have children," he drawled slowly as I wiggled my eyebrows. "When we are properly married of course!"
I let lose a fit of laughter. Now at my age I could care less. If I wanted William in my bed, in between my thighs I could have him. But I wanted to respect his wishes. So we would wait. "Of course William."
He yawned out, and I watched sleep beginning to settle into his bones. "Are you not tired?" He questioned.
"Now I am," I concluded after the crying session I had I was exhausted. That was one thing about crying. Peaceful sleep ensued after it.
Laying my head back down to my pillow, I scooted myself back so I could press against William. His eyes looked sleepy but another part of his anatomy was wide awake. "Are you sure you would like to wait?" I teased, pressing my bottom against him.
"And they say women cannot be sexual beings," he murmured into my hair. He sighed out loudly, "Yes we will wait. Goodnight my Queen."
I wanted to point out to him that I still am now just a princess, but that saying has been on his lips for years. I may not be a Queen in a nation's eyes, but in his eyes will always be...
******
"Rowan," I frowned.
He sat on the floor with his two youngest daughters. They were having mock tea but of course Rowena became upset at something and smashed her tea cup. I was not here to delegate an argument between a child and her father though.
I was here to find Thorian. No one had seen him all morning. I had not seen him since brunch. Breakfast this morning only consisted of William, Peter, Rowan and the children. Although Chelsea was missing we still had a good breakfast and even the girls were cooperating. Which was a surprise from the short amount of time I've been here.
"Rowan where is my son?" I questioned again as he sighed, handing his tea cup to Rowena who stuck her tongue out at Lillian.
This was comical but I needed to check on Thorian and his injuries. Rowan rose from his position and stretched a bit before making his way over to me. "He's training with Esa and Peter outside. He is not the happiest mood right now so I think it would be wise to wait till after he finishes his sparring," he warned me.
"Lead me to them." I did not care if he was sparring. Or that he was in a foul mood. Which he should not be sparring while he is in such a mood. It is anything but smart.
Rowan sighed, "Of course Esmerelda. I do not know why I thought telling you such a thing would deter you from seeing him."
I laughed softly, "You know better Rowan." He told the girls he would be back soon in which Lillian called him 'tea traitor' since he gave his cup to Rowena who seemed ecstatic at having her father's cup.
As we made our way towards my son, Rowan sighed loudly. "Those two give me a run for my sanity. I am praying to every known deity we have a son. If it is another daughter anything like them-"
"-Then you will love her just as much as you love your other three daughters," I finished his sentence as he nodded his head tiredly. "Why are you so against havjnh so many daughters?" I knew obvious reason. They were women but still Rowan did not take me as a type of man to care what his children were so it surprised me a bit.
He thought for a few seconds before answering me. "Because of me, Esmeralda. I believed I treated women well throughout my life...but I could have done a few things differently when it came to Chelsea. I do not want my daughters to have mate's like myself or Sirus. I will kill them...Esa has been lucky with Peter. That boy worships the gravel she walks on."
That is an interesting concept. He did not want girls because he feared they would be mated to awful men who acted like younger Sirus's or well himself. "Rowan you are royalty...so is Sirus. Instead of wishing for no daughters, how about you change how your men in this kingdom treat woman? I am sure you can guilty trick Sirus into agreeing. He loves his nieces too...I am sure most of the young men in this kingdom look up to you two, they will listen to whatever you have to say."
Rowan nodded his head slowly, "That is true. I mean look at Thorian. His anger is a bit...like Sirus's but he is respectful to women. He treats Margaret well and his cousins."
Thorian was a good young man..he still could use a bit of maybe myself and Edwin pouring into his life. Rowan was right though, Thorian turned out much better than I was expecting. And he and Sirus were Thorian's main male influences in life.
"See now just use whatever helped you in raising and teaching Thorian and mentor a few other young men. Believe me it will work." I had a select few young women I spoke to often in my kingdom. Attempted to mentor.
Rowan began to chuckle and I gave him a questioning look. "Esa told me you had good advice to give and she was right. Of course I do not remember, I was always giving you advice if I remember correctly."
Him giving me advice?! Ha. The lies that he tells. "You gave me vague warnings about your insane cousin," I chastised him with a smile as his smile sobered out a bit. "What is it Rowan?"
"Nothing...I just also regret how everything happened so long ago. I sided with Sirus. I thought that getting you out of this toxic place was smart, the best gift he could have given you...but I also thought that we did need an heir. I stood beside him in his choice of separating-"
"-Stop. Just stop, Rowan. Please...I love you as a brother...I cannot hear anymore," I told him as my chest tightened once again. "I do not want to remember you with hate in my heart when I leave this place. Please just stop."
He paused in our walking and his hand went to my shoulder. "I never apologized, Esmerelda. You have no obligation to accept it...but I do apologize for not holding my cousin accountable for his actions and ignoring certain things when it came to him and you."
I had tears in my eyes but I would not shed them. Not today. "Thank you, Rowan. I suppose I needed that." I would not accept his apology just because he felt bad about it. He was a good man...but I needed to feel it in my heart to forgive him first. "Now let us go and find my son."
********
Hope you guys enjoyed!!
I possibly might do an alternate ending which'll be like two or three chapters. It'll be after Esmerelda is done. It would basically revolve around if Esmerelda stayed in Lycea and was never kicked out by Sirus.