I didn't stay with Vee for much longer. I was still having a hard time wrapping my head around the thought of being in love with someone. Much less, someone I had only known for such a short amount of time. I said goodbye to her and started down the street, wrapping my sweater tightly around myself. Walking alone gave me time to think. I thought about Matty a lot. I thought about the way him smile could light up an entire room and how I couldn't help but smile too when he did. I thought about the way his hair was always perfectly messy, like he'd just woken up, but still managed to look perfect. I thought about how he cared for me unlike anyone else ever had, how he was my first kiss, the first boy that had ever liked me, and the first person I had ever caught myself falling in love with.
As I walked home, I threw up my hood and watched my shoes on the pavement. I felt so strange. I didn't know how to feel. I felt happy and scared and confused all at once. I was nervous to go back home.
I approached the tall apartment building and felt my heart rate pick up. I didn't know why I was so nervous. It was just Matty. Nothing had changed between this morning and now, so why was I so afraid?
Taking the lift up to our floor, I practically dragged my feet down the hall towards our flat. The air felt thin. I could barely breathe. Was I overreacting? Probably.
As I opened the door of our flat, I was greeted by Matty sat on the floor, surrounded by people I didn't know. They were all laughing and shouting and had the same expression of being high, but somehow different.
"Lee! You're back!" Matty said loudly, motioning for me to come over.
Cautiously, I shut the door and shuffled my way towards the group of strangers. That was strange.
"Guys, this is Lee. She's my girlfriend." He introduced me. I felt my heart skip a beat at that word. Girlfriend.
I waved shyly and smiled awkwardly.
"Lee, this is Michael, Lindsey, Alex, and Ben. They're old friends of mine."
The four greeted me politely and sluggishly, looking like they'd pass out from their highs at any moment with big, dopey smiles on their faces.
My eyes wandered to the table, where a white substance was powdered across its surface. It started to add up to me that they were not high from marijuana, but high on some other kind of drug. A glance in Matty's direction made my head spin. I had completely forgotten about Vee and I's conversation and was now worried about something much more prominent.
I avoided joining them on the floor and walked around the group, towards the bedroom.
"Lee?"
I stopped just as I was about to turn down the hall and looked into his wide, sad eyes.
"Why don't you sit down? Have a good time?"
If it weren't for the drugs, it'd be impossible to resist. But the thought of whatever was sprinkled across the coffee table made me shudder.
"I'm really tired. I'm going to bed." I said, turning away from him and walking into his bedroom.
I shut the door behind me and let myself fall onto the bed. I stared at the wall in front of me and my mind went a million miles a second. What was I supposed to do? Tell them to leave? It was Matty's house, not mine. And either way, it'd be rude. I was stuck. Stuck and scared and a little bit hurt. What was Matty doing messing around with drugs? It scared me to know that he was sat just a few feet outside of the room with complete strangers and substances I knew nothing about. That he probably knew nothing about.
I stood from the bed and striped off my clothes, throwing on one of Matty's t-shirts and crawling under the covers. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, so I laid there for what felt like hours, staring at the blank walls of the bedroom. In reality, it'd only been half an hour before the door was pushed open and Matty's stumbling figure appeared in the doorway. I pretended not to notice and continued to lay motionless on my side of the bed.
"Lee? Are you asleep?" His voice was hoarse and cracked. He didn't sound like himself.
"No." My throat was dry and all that came out was an almost silent whisper. wasn't sure if he'd heard me.
He shuffled towards the bed and sat on his side, slowly petting my hair. I shivered.
"Have they gone?" I asked quietly.
He nodded, but I couldn't see it. "Yeah."
The room went quiet and his hand laid on top of my hair, unmoving.
I struggled to find the words I was looking for. I wanted to ask about the drugs. About his friends. About everything, but none of the words would form correctly.
"Matty?"
"Hm?"
I paused, not sure what to say.
"What was that on the table?"
My heart started racing after the words left my mouth. I wasn't sure what he was going to say. I was afraid of what he might say. But I had to know.
"What? Oh, the coke?"
I sat up, crossing my legs and facing him.
"It's no big deal. It's just a little coke, it's alright."
I wasn't sure of what to say. I didn't know how to react. Cocaine? Matty was doing cocaine? I was upset. Maybe even a little angry. He was destroying himself. Completely destroying himself.
"Why?" Was all I managed to get out. I wanted to say more. I wanted to say so much more, but it all mixed together in my head and the only thing to come out was "why?".
"We were just having a little fun. Like old times. It's no big deal."
He kept saying that, 'no big deal'. But that wasn't true. It was a big deal. A really big deal.
I looked down at the sheets, wrinkled and still stained from the wine.
"You're destroying yourself, Matty." I said, not meeting his eyes.
"What?"
"You're destroying yourself." I repeated.
He struggled to form a sentence, then spoke.
"Lee, come on, it isn't a big deal. It's just a little coke, it wont hurt me. I'm fine, I promise."
I was angry. I was angry that in that moment while he was talking to me, he was high on cocaine. I was angry that he saw it as no big deal. I was angry that he was so good with words.
Pulling me towards him by my arm, he held me to he chest, half exposed with a floral button up shirt hanging fro his shoulders. I inhaled, taking in his scent, smelling like cheap cologne and cigarettes. It was intoxicating.
"I love you." He said, running his fingers through my tangled hair.
I closed my eyes, everything I had been worried about just seconds before seeming to fade away. "I love you too."
He stood from his spot on the bed and grabbed my hand, leading me to the living room. The table was still sprinkled with white dust, a thin stripe of it piled into a line. He sat down on the floor, pulling me with him, still holding my hand.
"Here." He said, swiping his index finger over it, coating his fingertip with the substance. He held it to my lips, looking into my eyes with a comforting expression.
I looked down at his finger, the white powder on it seeming not so harmless anymore. I mean, Matty was fine, wasn't he? I looked back up at him, his eyes making me at ease. I nodded and let out a small "okay", and he stuck his finger into my mouth and rubbed it against my gums, keeping eye contact with me the whole time. He took his finger out of my mouth and rested his palm against my cheek, his thumb resting on my bottom lip.
I stared into his brown irises and ran my tongue along my teeth, feeling the cocaine start to take effect. Everything felt like it was leveling out. Like everything was okay.
Matty leaned his face towards mine and kissed me, the high from the cocaine not as intoxicating as he was. His smell, his eyes, his voice, his clothes, his mouth, his kiss, absolutely everything about him made me feel so high. In that moment, nothing could touch me.
We'd spent a few minutes making out, laughing, and lying on the floor next to each other, so enveloped in one another that it seemed nothing else mattered and would ever matter. I looked over at the boy next to me, his messy head of curls and the prettiest pair of brown eyes I'd ever seen and the way his shirt draped over his shoulders and exposed his chest and tattoos and felt myself falling even more in love. I ran my fingers through his hair ruffled them up, letting it fall down to his cheek, admiring his beauty.
"I love you, Matty Healy." I said, not one ounce of me feeling any sort of regret or anxiousness. I was sure of those words. I loved him, wholeheartedly and completely. I was in love with him.
"I love you too, Hayley."
In that moment, nothing could touch me.