Ethan takes me completely by surprise when he says, "Sarah, I have something kind of important to tell you."
I look at him with wide eyes, not really knowing what to expect.
"Let's sit down," he tells me.
I join him on the couch, with apprehension clearly written across my face. "Should I be worried?"
"No," he chuckles. "I just think that it's time you know something about me. It's pretty significant. I hope you don't get mad that I kept this from you. I just wanted to wait for the right time, and I think this is it."
Fear sweeps in. What on earth is he talking about?
"Sarah," he whispers. "It's okay." He tenderly touches my face. "I know you're afraid of having to rely on someone else to take care of you. You don't want to be a burden to anyone, to me." I nod, appreciating that he is so astute and once again, feeling mystified that he can get inside my head like that. "But I promise you, angel, you won't be a burden to me."
My heart swells again when he calls me angel. But I feel like I have to tell him, "I still feel so...incomplete. So ugly. I can't imagine you or anyone else finding me attractive. I don't want you to think that I'm full of self-pity, but it's just something I'm trying to work through, you know?"
"Yeah, I know. But for what it's worth, Sarah, I don't think you're ugly. You lost your leg, big deal. What makes you beautiful is this," he says as he traces the shape of a heart over my chest and I shiver with the near-contact with my breast. "But this is also beautiful," he continues, running his hand gently over my cheek. "And this." Now he's touching my hair. He goes on, gently touching my shoulders, my arms, my hands.
His hand moves back to my face, my lips. "And these are gorgeous."
My whole body is shaking. I've never really wanted someone before, but suddenly I want Ethan in every sense of the word. I want him to kiss me again. I want him to envelope me with his strong arms. I want him to hold me so close that I can't feel any separation.
He knows. He waits just long enough to make me begin to lose my mind. Then he leans in with a fiery kiss, more urgent than the first time he kissed me, but still sweet.
He leans back a bit and says, "Now, this is what I wanted to tell you." He bends over to take off his boot and sock. I watch him as if he's slightly crazy. He carefully crosses his left leg over his right knee, the way he had when I first saw him wearing those ugly cowboy boots. I stare for a moment, trying to process what I'm looking at. Ethan is real flesh and blood until about the middle of his calf. After that, there is a liner much like the one attached to my thigh, only his is smaller, and then a flesh-colored prosthetic foot. I briefly wonder if I'm dreaming, trying to process the reality of my own missing limb but I slowly realize that what I'm seeing is very real.
I look at him with my mouth gaping in a what I'm sure is a very unattractive way. The furrow of my brows is enough to ask the question, but he doesn't answer. He gives me a few more minutes to let the information sink in. I'm really, really confused. Is this one of those bizarre dreams that will seem utterly ridiculous when I wake up?
"I had bone cancer when I was a kid," he finally tells me, breaking the silence.
"What?" I ask. "You've been keeping secrets from me." Then it dawns on me that I'd never seen him wearing shorts, even now, in the most scorching temperatures of the summer, so that's how I never noticed before.
"Would it have mattered to you?" He asks. "Does it matter now?"
I ponder for a moment. I knew I was falling in love with Ethan, but the reality of it crashes into me with a whole new realization. He knew what I was going through from the very beginning. He told me that he wanted to help me, to be there for me, but I didn't understand. I didn't realize that he could understand me, that he could say, "I know what you're going through", and it would be the absolute truth.
I stumble over my words a little as the shock gradually wears off. "You didn't...I mean, I don't know...I...I'm." He starts to laugh a little and finally I just blurt it out. "You really love me! All this time, there was this nagging fear that maybe you just felt sorry for me."
"No," he shakes his head. "I love you. I really love you, Sarah."
He leans in to give me an incredibly soft kiss. Then he continues, "I know how much it sucks to lose a part of yourself. I know what it's like to feel like a freak or that no one will ever look at you the same again. But I finally figured out how to live a normal life again. And now you're learning, too."
He kisses me hard, and I try to control myself as I'm on the brink of sobbing. I focus my energy into returning his kiss. His lips are strong and they make my knees weak. I open my mouth to receive more of him. He pulls me tight. My heart starts racing. His kisses become more urgent as he presses further into my mouth. Then he gently moves down my chin, my neck, to my collarbone. I'm sighing and kissing and crying. I can't believe I'm in love. Or that he loves me.
He regards me with tenderness and longing. "Sarah," he breathes and kisses me again, slowly lying down on the bed and taking me with him. He kisses me softly, and then so deeply, I can hardly breathe, pulling my leg over his thigh and pressing me against him. Suddenly, I'm hot and so excited that I want nothing else but him.
But we can't have sex. Not here. Not now. As much as I'd like to.
He's a Christian and I know things probably won't go further. But we've never talked about this. Things are moving faster than I ever thought possible.
Eventually, he pulls away and pants softly against my lips, confirming my suspicions, "We should stop." I nod in agreement.
"I was so afraid you wouldn't like it when you saw the real me, but you've seen the real me all along. You've understood me better than I even understood myself at times," I say, still in awe. "I love you."
The grin on his face is priceless. "I love you, Sarah. With all my heart." He kisses me again and then pulls me tight.
After more kisses, a thought occurs to me. "Why do you keep it covered up?"
He grins back at me with a slightly embarrassed look on his face. "You're not the only one who has issues with self-image, I guess."
"Really?" I can't believe that my very confident, wonderfully peaceful Ethan is worried about having people see his prosthetic leg.
He shrugs and I just hug him. "That's okay," I whisper. "It's good to know you're not perfect."
"Sarah," Ethan whispers as I sit up, shaking off my deliriously happy fog. "Stay here with me," he suggests. "We can't...I mean, we shouldn't...do anything, but I just want to hold you."
I nod in content agreement. I excuse myself to use the bathroom and put on my pajamas. When I return, Ethan pulls me into himself, closer than I've ever been held in my life. We drift off into a peaceful sleep together.
The next thing I know, Sarah is hissing into my ear, "What did you do???"
"Shut up," I murmur sleepily. "Nothing happened."
"Mmhm," she hums sarcastically.
Then I suddenly remember everything that happened the night before and bolt upright. "I have to tell you something!"I whisper loudly. I get out of bed and hold on to her as I hop into her bedroom, not bothering to put on my prosthesis.
I fall onto the trundle bed and laugh."Ethan told me something last night."
"What?!" I now have her full attention.
"He has a prosthetic leg, too."
"What?!" She practically screams.
"Shush! There's a reason I'm whispering," I scold her.
"How did you not know this before?" She asks incredulously.
"I've never seen him in a pair of shorts or anything. And he walks like normal."
"Why didn't he tell you?" She pries further.
"I'm not sure. He just said he wanted to wait for the right moment. So he told me last night, because he wanted me to know that he really could understand what I'm going through. Probably because I found it so hard to have to rely on the two of you for the whole day."
"Whoa," she says slowly. "That's kind of deep. And really cool, actually. He really does know what you're going through."
I nod emphatically. "He had cancer when he was a kid and had part of his leg amputated. He has a smaller below-the-knee prosthesis."
"I would have never guessed," she marvels.
"I guess that's kind of encouraging for me, knowing that maybe some day I can walk like normal and people will never be able to tell the difference."
Sam leans over and hugs me and then bounds out of the room. "I have to be at work in an hour!"
Ethan and I hurriedly pack our things while Sam gets ready for work. We all drink a fast cup of coffee and then we're off.
Outside Sam's apartment building, I give her a giant hug. "Thanks for everything! I had a fantastic time!"
Then Ethan hugs her and thanks her as well.
"See you soon, kiddo," I tell her, waving as she walks away. I feel a tear slipping down my face and I try to wipe it away before Ethan notices. But I'm not successful.
"Hey, come here," he says, pulling me in for a hug. "You'll see her in a month, right?"
"Yeah. I just miss her, you know?"
He kisses me on the head and then turns toward the street to hail a cab to take us to the train station. Back on the train, Ethan and I settle ourselves in for the long trip home. The train is packed for the return trip, so Ethan gets breakfast for both of us and brings it back to our seats, not wanting me to have to struggle against the crowds.
"Thank you, I'm starving," I tell him, hastily unwrapping the breakfast biscuit.
"You're welcome, angel," he tells me and leans in to kiss my forehead.
After my stomach is sufficiently full, I ask Ethan, "So, does this mean we're boyfriend and girlfriend?"
He smiles and tells me, "I guess it does. And since that's official, I think we should go on our first date." He grabs hold of my hand and squeezes gently.
"Okay. What did you have in mind?" I ask shyly.
"Well, would you like to come to Patrick's wedding with me? It's in August."
"You mean I have to wait weeks for our first date?!" I ask.
"Well, I had to wait even longer for you," he says, a teasing little smirk forming on his face.
"Touché."
"But we can have lots of unofficial dates until then. Now that I know you actually want me around."
"Oh, Ethan, I always wanted you around. I was just in denial, I think."
"But not anymore?" He asks.
"Not anymore. I love you."
He kisses me a little too deeply and I push him away, whispering, "There are a lot of people around."
"Okay," he chuckles. "Do you want to watch another movie?"
"Sure."
We snuggle under a blanket again and watch something funny.
After several stops, the crowd in our car thins out, leaving Ethan and me almost alone again.
Out of the blue, I tell him, "Show me how you do it. You live without fear, you know what you want and you go for it, and you're so positive all the time." I bite my lip as I admit, "I'm still so scared sometimes."
"It's okay to be afraid. It's normal. But I promise you, I'll never leave your side. I'm with you in this now, so let me help you, all right?"
I nod, but then I tell him, "I'm not very good at accepting help. I've always been this strong-willed, I-can-do-it-myself type of person and it's actually really hard for me to think I might have to rely on someone else for once."
"Well, that will come in time, too." He kisses me again, and this time I allow him to kiss me much more deeply than I had before.
* * * * *
Happy Triple Update! :) Hope you enjoyed it