Elise
Desmond Tutu once said, "Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." I clung to that hope over these last four weeks. I pushed aside my fears and resignations and just allowed myself to enjoy my pregnancy and my husband. The pain had been minimal but the morning, afternoon, and night sickness was driving me crazy. Zach was praying that our baby wasn't a picky eater like me. I didn't think that I was picky, I just liked what I like.
🎶"Turn the bed upside down, flip me round, gravity's left the building. I'll be on top; really I'll be on the bottom 'Cause we gon' be having sex on the ceiling"🎶
I leaned over to grab my ringing phone off of the cherry wood end table next to the recliner. A smile graced my face as my husband's handsome face popped on my screen. " Hey pooh!", I cooed.
" Hey, baby! You ready? I'm about five minutes away", he replied. I knew that meant he was 15 minutes away. He always gave me a shorter time frame so that I could rush and be ready when he arrived.
" I'm ready! I'm sitting on the couch flipping through the channels waiting on you" I expressed emphatically.
"Oh yeah? You got on shoes? Got your purse? Got your juice and snacks" he questioned.
I scoffed at his accusatory questioning, " What am I five now Mr. Tate?" I replied with much attitude.
" No, I know my wife! Now come on, I'm outside!". I hung up the phone without responding and quickly shuffled up the stairs to grab my shoes and purse. I made my way back down the stairs to stop by the pantry for my favorite Nekot peanut butter cookies and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. When I walked outside and turned to lock the door, I saw Zach's car pulling in the driveway.
" Ugh, I can't stand his ass," I mumbled. I pouted as I walked towards the car, where Zach was already standing beside the open passenger door waiting for me. I scrunched up my face looking at him, while he held a knowing smirk.
"I told you five minutes"... he winked as he spoke.
"Mhm," I responded. We rode in a comfortable silence listening to the Cadillactica album by Big K.R.I.T. Although Zach came from a bourgeois ass family, he had this hood side to him that was so mesmerizing. This man would go from talking about environmental elements of Capital improvement to rapping Tupac. Just my type of man. I leaned my head back on the headrest while Zach stroked my thighs soothingly with his thumbs.
The car finally came to a complete stop, and I heard the engine die down letting me know we had arrived at the Dr's office. Zach came around and opened the door for me. As I stood up, he leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine as his hands crept around my waist. We stayed that way for a moment before he slid his massive hands into my small ones and guided me to the front door. I signed in and went to sit in the back corner near the television with Zach.
The office space was oddly soothing with a perfect blend of earth tones displayed around the room. Smoldering burnt oranges and earthy shades of green were swirled into the rug that sat below our feet. I gazed around at all the women sitting around me, wondering if they were pregnant as well or here for the routine visit. I was pulled out of my daydream by the nurse calling my name, " Elise Riley-Tate," she called. Zach placed his hand on the small of my back and helped me up. I swatted his hand away; I could get up perfectly fine on my own.
It wasn't like I was starting to show. I was losing weight because I couldn't seem to keep my food down, however, with the weight loss you could see my belly slowly rounding. After getting my vitals checked and blood drawn, we were escorted into the room by the nurse and told Dr. Anneise would be with us soon.
I took a seat on the exam table while Zach sat across from me. He gazed up at the ceiling then back at me with his thinking face. I could always tell when his wheels were turning because his eyes would slightly squint and his eyebrows would furrow. " What's on your mind papa?, I inquired.
He sighed deeply before he spoke, " Everything and nothing at the same time. I want everything to be okay with you and the baby." I pouted a little but didn't quite know what to say because my head was in the same space. I just wanted to put on this strong front for him so he wouldn't worry.
" Me too babe, but remember, it's you and me always, for better or for worse," I replied giving him a small smile. He extended his long arms and rubbed my knee cap while smiling at my throwing his words back at him. He nodded appreciatively and said, "for better or for worse."
There was a knock on the door followed by Dr. Anneise and her nurse Ms. Katherine coming into the room. Ms. Katherine was an older black lady, with salt and pepper hair that was always pulled into a bun at the nape of her neck. She reminded you of that one lady in church that passed you a piece of peppermint or butterscotch from her purse. Her presence was soothing.
" So how has everything been? I haven't received a call from either of you, so I'm assuming all is well, Dr. Anneise spoke sitting on the rolling stool to the left of the exam table. Dr. Anneise was a forty-something-year-old black lady that was as laid back as they come. Visiting her was like going to visit one of my aunties, except she needed that copay before the visit. She has been my gynecologist since I first came to Tuscaloosa for school. She was a part of my village.
" Everything has been good for the most part, no pain or anything. The only thing that has bothered me is the all day sickness". She nodded her head in understanding.
" That's pretty standard, but I know the fibroid may have intensified that feeling. I'm going to run some additional tests on that blood sample you gave us to make sure that all of your levels are still good." I nodded my head as she continued to speak. " I want to do an ultrasound today to get a measurement of the fibroid so we can see how fast it's growing if at all. At this point, you should she be measuring at about fourteen and half weeks, so we want to make sure everything lines up".
I just nodded my head and took in the information. There was nothing to say in return; I was absorbing the information. Dr. Anneise did her regular cervix check then pulled out the fetal doppler allowing Zach and I to hear our baby's heartbeat. Before I knew it, the tears were flowing, damn these hormones. Zach quickly hopped out his seat and was at my side wiping away my tears with the pads of this thumbs placing chaste kisses on my forehead. Dr. Anneise then excused herself and told us she would meet us in her office after we got done with the ultrasound.
I looked up to my husband and saw the hope mixed with paranoia swirling around in his cognac orbs. He sat back down in the chair and leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees. I peered at him directly in his eyes trying to emanate some of the hope in me to him. He looked up at me and sighed. Just as he was about to speak the nurse came in, " Are you ready Mrs. Tate?" I nodded my head and used the single step on the table to help me get down. Zach encompassed my hand in his as we made our way down the short hallway to the ultrasound room. " Hey" the nurse spoke giddily.
I gave her a full smile as I made my way over to the exam table to have a seat. She informed us that we would try to do a standard ultrasound of my belly first and if that didn't work, we would switch to vaginal. I nodded my head in understanding as I leaned back on the table and lifted my shirt up to give her access. She squirted the cold jelly on my stomach causing me to let out a slight shrill at its coolness.
" Big baby," Zach said through chuckles. I stuck my tongue out and flipped him off while rolling my eyes. " I got you as soon as we get home," he said suggestively with a wink. I quickly turned my head and focused on the screen as a blush slowly crept upon my cheeks. The tech began to move around checking and measuring things.
"Does everything look okay," I asked.
"As I told you before Mrs. Tate, I'm not a doctor, I can't give a diagnosis," she said with a smile. I rolled my eyes and annoyance and let out a frustrated sigh. The last time she said that there was a tumor the size of a lemon sitting on my uterus, so that did nothing to quell the nervousness building in the pit of my stomach. However, looking at my little honeybun flail around shamelessly, eased some of the tension brewing in my stomach. I watched this tiny developing human rock back and forth carelessly inside of me, without one care or worry. My adoration was interrupted by the tech's voice.
"Are you interested in finding out the sex?" she asked.
"Yes." "No." Zach and I replied at the same time.
" Baby you know my mom wants to go all out and do the whole gender reveal party and all. You know she never had any girls, so she's going all out for you", Zach mentioned with a smile showing off those pearly whites that distracted me from our first meeting.
I let out a defeated sigh and turned towards the nurse, " I thought we wouldn't be able to know until our next appointment," I inquired.
"Generally that is the case, but with your fibroid pushing the baby forward, I can see clear as day. I tell you what, how about I put it in a sealed envelope and you and hubby can either decide to open it together later or give it to his mom so that she can start planning," she spoke as she continued to take pictures.
"I guess that will work," I gritted out behind a tight smile. I wasn't interested in having some elaborate gender reveal. Just tell me what I'm having so I can start shopping. The tech finally placed the ultrasound doppler back in its cradle and began to wipe off my stomach. I looked over to my husband who was sitting over there with that goofy- ass smirk on his face. I focused my attention back forward as the tech reached out her hand to help me sit up. Zach was on his feet instantly with his hand on the small of my back helping me to get up from the table.
After being seated in Dr. Anneise's office, we sat there awkwardly not knowing what to say. Zach broke the silence first, " So if it's a girl, what should we name her, I was thinking Zion or Zelise," I snapped my head towards him so fast I was sure I had whiplash. I know this delusional husband of mine did not think I was continuing him and Jhene's tradition. I tilted my head to the side and just stared at him intently.
"What you don't like it?" he asked.
"Actuallyyyy.... No. I do not. Additionally, I will not be participating in you and baby mama's traditions. I swear you got me fucked up. What the hell were you thinking? You know what, nevermind, Don't answer that. You weren't thinking, couldn't have been", I shook my head and continued to rant underneath my breath as Dr. Anneise walked in.
"I heard we got some exciting news today," she said as she sat down at her desk.
I gave her a small smile, " We did. However, the enjoyment has been delayed due to unfortunate circumstances" I replied pouting.
" Stop being so dramatic. Doc, my mom wants to host a gender reveal for us, and El is salty because she's too impatient to wait" Zach bulldozed into our conversation.
" It understandable. Being able to tag a gender and a name to your baby is an exciting part of the pregnancy. She gets to give the person she's sharing her body with a name. I get her excitement", Dr. Anneise proclaimed with a broad smile. I nodded my head as thanks for her support and looked around the room taking in my surroundings.
Her office was painted in a light coffee color with a wine colored accent wall behind her. Her desk looked to be made of mahogany, with her ergonomic chair sitting in the middle. You could tell it was a chair built for comfort and not for style. To the left of her desk sat a MacBook Pro with a wireless mouse and keyboard, towards the middle, a chestnut and gold nameplate with her name etched into it, and to the right was a picture of her and her husband and a family photo with their two sons. Her family was not only beautiful aesthetically, but their eyes held a certain humbleness to them.
Dr. Anneise cleared her throat pulling me out of my dissection of her desk. I had not even gotten to the stack of paper that sat near a printer on an adjoining table to the left of her desk near the wall, she should really sort that out. " I am concerned a little about your fibroid at this point," she hesitantly spoke. I could feel my hope drop down to my heels and ooze from toes through the peep-toe booties I wore. I looked up at her and gestured with my eyes for to continue.
" It seems that this tumor is growing at an equal or faster rate than the baby. The ultrasound pictures from below have you measuring at about 17 weeks, but from up top, you measure accurately at fourteen weeks and five days". I began to feel faint with all this newfound information. What did all of this mean for the baby... for me even. I looked over to my husband who seemed to be just as lost in his thoughts as I were. Dr. Anneise's sigh brought my attention back to her.
" So what does this all mean Avina?" I questioned calling her by her first name so that she would know that I needed her to be frank and honest not methodical and wayward. I wanted direct answers, and I needed her to give them to me.
She looked at me benevolently before she spoke. She clasped her hands together on the desk in front of her and leaned forward in her chair before speaking, " Honestly, Elise, I can't give you a definitive answer. How this plays out is totally up to your body. However, I do know that with this tumor, I will have to refer you to the high-risk clinic for the duration of your pregnancy. They will have access to more test and information than my small office does."
I looked at her wearily as the words high-risk swirled around in my brain. I felt my chest slowly cave in as pressure surrounded my eyes. I tried to blink back the tears that sat on the brink of overflow, but all that did was push them over the edge. Everything around me went mute as Dr. Anneise and Zachery continued to talk. I was trying to focus on their words, but the sound of high-risk kept whirling around in my head creating a torrential downpour from my eyelids. It was like Hurricane Doubt had taken residence in my body and was destroying every ounce of hope I had.
Dr. Anneise rising from her chair caught my attention as she slowly sauntered out of the room with her hands tucked in the pockets of her coat. Zachery wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side. He began to place small kisses in my hair murmuring the serenity prayer over me. He then leaned back and lifted my chin with the index finger and thumb of his left hand and stared deep into my eyes." Remember this El; God has the last say so. She went to go see when she could schedule the appointment with the specialist."
I nodded as my response and leaned my head back down on his chest. Although he was trying to be strong for me, the erratic beat of his heart let me know that he was feeling as much anxiety as me. He began to rub small circles on my back that only made me want to cry harder, on the contrary, his heartbeat was starting to settle so this was calming for him. I focused on his pulse, which lulled me and eased my outpouring of emotions.
We sat in a tense but comfortable silence while we waited for Dr. Anneise to return. She came in and informed us that she was able to get us an appointment at the University of Alabama in Birmingham's high-risk clinic tomorrow at three. She told us that they took their last patient at 3:30, so be sure that we were on time; otherwise we would have to wait until the week after next. We thanked her for taking care of the appointment for us and getting us seen so quickly. She gave me a robust motherly hug and Zach a side hug before we turned to make our way towards the exit.
We walked defeatedly out of the building to the car and just sat there staring out of the window for a moment. Zach turned me with this awkward serial killer-esque smile, and you could tell it was forced. " El, you can't be stressing my baby girl in there! You saw how she was in there moving and flipping over today. She was happy and you should be too".
I looked over to husband and admired the work of art before me. Even with that corny nose ring, I hated with everything in me, he was still handsome. His thick and full lips were wrapped in this massive beard he had been growing for the past two years. I tugged on the ends of it and brought his lips to mine. This kiss felt so urgent, so needed. I felt his tongue spell out the ways he loved me as he explored my cavity with precision. I had to pull back because the sensualness of it all had my nipples perked and my thighs clenching. He looked at me with a knowing smirk and the reached up to press the start button on his car.
" How do you know it's a girl?", I asked inquisitively. I wanted to know because I had my own speculations at this point.
"Daddy knows" was his only response.
" Well I think it's a boy" I quipped. " You willing to bet on your claim, Mr. Tate," I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.
He scoffed, " Who bets on the gender of their child but since I'm so sure, I'll play along. We'll both write out what the other has to do and we'll let the loser open it up when we reveal. Deal?"
"Deal" I replied.
Desmond Tutu once said, "Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." At this moment, I needed to remember that. Despite all the bullshit and darkness that surrounded us, we had to keep our heads towards the light and allow it to draw us forward. The most significant blessing in this all was having this reliable and fantastic man beside me on the journey. I recalled what my Aunt Shawnee said about living my life and letting things come as they will and I relaxed into the seat. Letting the joy that was mixed within this day wash over.