HALEY'S POV
Russell's gaze are like daggers ready to hit us, like we were caught in a cheating act. Palipat lipat ang tingin niya sa amin ni Seth pagpasok niya. And his questioning eyes rested on Seth longer. Seth stared back, as if they're in some kind of a duel. And I was caught in the middle.
" Uhm, si Seth pala classmate ko. Hinatid niya ako at nabasa kami sa ulan kanina kaya pinatuloy ko muna siya. But he's now leaving."
I avoided his gaze. Alam kong nakatingin siya sa akin ng masama. He remained passive and all I heard form him was his heavy sighs. Parang pinipigilan nito kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin. I can feel the tension is boiling. Seth must have felt it too. Na hindi ako komportable.
"Alis na ako. See you tomorrow." sabi nito.
Once again they threw glares at each other. And I almost push Seth out of the door to break the hostility.
"Sige ingat. Thank you ulit ha."
Para akong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib pag alis ni Seth. I don't want him to put in a compromising situation, in case Russell confronts us. I closed the door tight and braced myself.
"I was so worried it was raining when you left. Nagmamadali pa naman ako baka abutan kita. Then I found you here na may kasamang lalaki." he accused.
I can't blame him. If you were on his shoes, abutan mo ang asawa mo na bagong ligo at may lalaking kasama na half-naked sa loob mismo ng bahay niyo, what would you think? Parang nananadya ang pagkakataon. Hindi pa nga kami nagkakaayos, heto na naman, may isa na namang issue. I just hope he listens this time.
"Hindi ko naman kasi alam na wala na si Jess." pagsisinungaling ko. "I just saw him at the gate. Nagmagandang loob lang siya na ihatid ako kasi hirap akong makakuha ng cab."
He put his hands in his pocket. As if trying restraining them from doing something. His probing eyes searched my face. At sa tingin ko lalong nagdilim ang mukha nito. Kahit wala akong ginagawang masama, I closed my eyes in embarrassment. Pakiramdam ko, hinusgahan na niya ako nang hindi man lang ako hinayaang magpaliwanag. I bit my lip to keep me from crying.
"Kung 'di ko pa nakita si Tyler, hindi ko malalaman na kanina pa nakauwi si Jess." He ignored my explanation.
So he left the gang para lang sundan ako. Dapat ba akong matuwa? Na kahit papano concern din pala siya despite what happened yesterday?
"Hindi ko nga alam na wala siya. When I texted her, dun ko lang nalaman na nakauwi na pala siya." I had to stick to my lies.
Gigil siyang lumapit sa akin. And I flinched for fear that he was going to shake me.
"Yun naman pala eh! Ba't di mo'ko binalikan? I fI shoud have known, hindi kita hahayaang magcommute, and you knowit! Nagpahatid ka pa talaga sa tukmol na yun!"
Hindi ko alam kung kanino siya nanggigigil at nagagalit. Kung sa akin ba o kay Seth?
At ako pa ngayon ang sinisisi niya kung ba't hindi ako nagpahatid sa kanya? I offered to stay and wait for him but he refused. As if he didn't want me to stay.
" Sa tingin mo gagawin ko yun? You can't even leave them. At ayaw mo naman na antayin kita. Pakiramdam ko nga ang laki kong abala sa'yo eh. At nakaistorbo yata ako sa inyo at ang sama ng tingin sa akin nung babaeng katabi mo." I was so pisssed that I almost cursed.
"What are you implying? Ikaw pa 'tong may ganang mag isip ng ganyan, you invited a guy and I wasn't even here." sumbat nito.
The nerve of this guy! Ako pa ang pinag isipan ng masama. At wala akong karapatang pag isipan siya ng masama?
" Wala akong nakikitang masama sa ginawa ko. Nagmagandang loob lang yung tao at nabasa pa ng ulan. What do you want me to do?! I just returned the favor."
His eyes glinted suspiciously. At ngumiti ito nang nakakaloko. "And what did you do in return? Was that something you did with me when I also did a favor to you that night huh?"
Anong ibig niyang sabihin? Ang tinutukoy ba niya ay ang gabing nagkita kami sa bar? Iniisip ba niya na ginawa namin ni Seth ang ginawa namin nung gabi na yun? Just as the idea sunk into me, a slap landed on his face.
"How dare you! Is that what you think?! Hindi ako ganun klaseng babae at alam mo yan! Napakadumi ng isip mo?!Ganun ba kababa ang tingin mo saken hah?! Dahil ba sa ganung paraan mo lang ako nakuha iniisip mo na ganun din ako sa iba?!" I was fuming mad. And I guess that slap brought me justice. And tears stung my eyes.
For some reasons, fear crossed his handsome face. He raised his hands in a gesture that he wanted to hold me. But eventually dropped them to his sides.
"I should have known better. Nagsisisi ako na ikaw ang pinakasalan ko." I said in between sobs.
Then I sprinted to my room and locked the door. I buried my face in a pillow at 'dun ko ibinuhos ang sama ng loob ko. Tears pooled my eyes.
I hit him. Pero sumosobra na talaga siya. Hindi ko matanggap ang mga sinabi niya. He said those words without hesitation. It only means I don't have his trust. At ganun kababa ang tingin niya sa akin.
I should have married Ralph. Sana wala akong problema at sakit ng ulo ngayon. Kahit mahal ko siya, I won't allow him to treat me this way.
"Haley!" he shouted on persistent knocks. "Open up!"
I covered my ears with pillow. Wala akong pakialam kahit gibain pa niya ito. We're inside my unit, so walang mabubulabog na ibang tao.
And I heard loud banging sound at the door. Napailing ako. He's insane. I covered my head with another pillow and totally ignored the loud sound. Hindi ko siya pagbubuksan. We're both furious and I guess this is not the best time to talk.
Then silence came, after few minutes of banging ang knocking. I stayed there for few minutes and peeked at the door. The lounge is empty, he must have left.
Nanlumo akong napaupo sa kama. Naririnig ko pa rin ang mga masasakit na salitang binitawan ni Russell. I'm hurting because those words came from the man I love. As the good old saying goes, only those you truly love are capable of hurting you deeply. At ayaw papigil ng mga luha ko.
Oo, mahal ko si Russell. At kahit arranged lang ang marriage namin, mag aantay ako hanggang sa mahalin niya rin ako. At gagawin ko ang lahat. Kahit na masaktan pa ulit ako.
Well, in life, the painful truth is, everyone's gonna hurt. And with love, they say, you can still love even if your heart is bleeding. Even if it's shattered into pieces. All you have to is just fight for love. But fight, real hard.
But I can't seem to forget the look in his face. His face filled with pain, anger and betrayal.
He hates me. Iniisip ko pa lang ito, para akong nalulunod. Uncontrolled sobs rose from my throat, almost choked me. I can't breathe.
Then a loud ringing tone cut the drama. And I cancelled if thinking it was Russell. And it's ringing again. I checked the screen. Number lang ang nag aapear. The number is not saved in my phone, which only means I don't know the caller. Or it could be Russell calling me using a different number. The ringing continues. So I answered it.
"Hello..."
'Hello, good afternoon po ma'am! Mrs Sandoval?" boses ng isang lalaki.
I paused. Mrs. Sandoval? Crap, ako pala yun. I always forgot, Sandoval na pala ako.
"Sino 'to?"
"Si Joco po ito ma'am, sa Homeworld."
Homeworld. Ah..namili pala kami ng mga gamit nung isang araw.
"Yes." I wonder why.
"Nag request po kasi si Mr. Sandoval ng replacement nung kama na binili niyo. May defect po yung unang delivery. Kaso hindi po namin siya makontak kaya kayo ang tinawagan ko." sagot nito.
"Ganun ba? So, okay na ba? Napalitan na ba?" I frowned.
"Yes ma'am. Nagyon po ang delivery. Kaso kanina pa po kasi yung mga tao dun sa tapat ng gate nung address kaso mukhang wala daw pong tao. Actually, andun pa po sila ngayon."
I sighed. Bakit ngayon pa? Wala sa mood lumabas.
"Wala pa talagang nakatira dun. Ganito na lang, tell them to wait. I'll be there in 15minutes."
"Sige po ma'am, salamat."
"Thanks." I cut the line.
I changed clothes hastily without even washing my face. Nakakahiya naman kung kanina pa pala sila nag aantay. And they called me because Russell's phone was off? Kung tinawagan ko pala siya, madadagdagan lang pala ang inis ko sa kanya. Siya pang mag ganang magpatay ng phone.
I met them in 10 I was at the gate. Sa bahay na regalo ng parents ni Russell nung kasal namin. I made a quick apology to them and opened the gate. At pinaakyat ko sa taas angbed replacement.
"Gaano niyo katagal iaasemble yan?" tanong ko.
"Mga more or less 30 minutes po." sagot ng isang lalaki.
Matagal tagal din pala. I can't stand here and wait for them.
"Sige maiwan ko muna kayo lalabas lang ako."
Bumaba ako sa sala at pinagmasdan ko ang mga gamit na binili namin. Umupo ako sa couch. I run my hand to it's leather cover. I love its light brown color and smooth and velvety finish. I chose almost each of the stuff in this house. The dining table, incuding the silverwares and kitchewares. Ang mga electronics lang ang pinili ni Russell. It's now fully furnished. Maayos na ang lahat. We can move anytime.
I just noticed our wedding picture is proudly hang at the center. I smiled. Kumpleto na pala. Interior design na lang ang kulang, to make it look more like a real home.
Lumabas ako sa extension nito sa gilid. A medium-sized pool si situated at rear area. May billiard table at dart board sa gilid nito. This three-bedroom house is huge for a couple. Well, this may suit a family of three, or four maybe.
At nalungkot ako. Ngayon, hindi ko na maimagine na magkakapamilya kami ni Russell. Kung ngayon pa lang hindi na kami magkainitndihan sa maliit na bagay. Pa'no pa kaya pang may mga anak na kami.
" Maam okay na po. Pakisign na lang po ito" nagulat ako sa biglang pagsulpot ni kuya.
It took them less than 30 minutes to assemble the bed. O hindi ko namalayan kasi kanina pa ako nakatunganga sa kawalan.
"Sige po una na kami." paalam ng mga ito.
Hinatid ko sila gate at binalikan ko ang kama na inasemble nila. The king-sized bed finds its perfect spot in the room, by the window. And it's so inviting kaya humiga ako.
At ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng pagod. A lot things happened within 24 hours. Buminggo ako ng dalawang beses. Pag naiisip ko angmga nangyari, I find myself wiping my tears again and again.
I guess we need to talk. Mabigat pala sa dibdib kapag hindi mo nailabas ang sama ng loob mo. Especially kapag hindi ka nabigyan ng chance na ipaliwanag ang totoong nangyari.
Masakit. Sobra. Ang pagdudahan ka at pag isipan ng masama ng taong mahal mo. It only means na wala siyang pagtingin sa akin. Na wala akong halaga sa kanya kasi hindi niya iniisip ang mararamdaman ko. Na baka masaktan ako.
Halos isang buwan pa lang kaming magkasama, but I don't think I can still last for fewmore months. I was telling myself, I am not expecting him to love me overnight. Of course, for him that's not possible. But I'm willing to wait. Pero ngayon, parang hindi ko na kayang mag antay pa.
Ayoko nang mag isip. I closed my eyes hoping to drive those thoughts away. And I dozed off.
When I opened my eyes, it's pitch black. I searched for my phone in panic. Nilabas ko ito sa bulsa ko at binuksan para magkaliwanag. And I groaned when I saw the time. It's almost 11pm. Ganun ako katagal nakatulog?
I checked my phone again. I got 7 missed calls from Russell. But no text messages.
I switched on the lights and sit on the edge of the bed. Uuwi pa ba ako? Since magkagalit kami ni Russell, I can spend the night here. Masama ang loob ko sa kanya at ayoko siyang makita.
Pero pag hindi ako umuwi ngayon, lalo siyang mag iiisip ng masama. So I decided, uuwi na lang ako. Malamang wala pa siya dun. Lagi naman. And I will practice not to care from now on.
I left at around 1130pm and drove to the nearest fast food chain. And when I arrived at the unit, he wasn't there yet. Talagang pinapaninindigan niya ang pag uwi ng madaling araw.
At muntik akong mapasigaw pagpasok ko sa kwarto. Russell is sitting at the bedside, waiting for me. His eyes searched mine. But I sighed and looked away. Hinanda ko ang sarili ko just in case na singahalan niya ulit ako. And I won't allow it.
Hindi ko siya pinansin. I reached for my robe na nakasabit malapit sa kama. Napansin ko ang six beer cans sa side table.
"Saan ka galing?" Do I sense concern in his tone? I can't tell.
"Kung sasabihin ko sa'yo kung saan ako galing, paniniwalaan mo ba ako?" I said it in my most sarcastic tone.
And I marched my way to the bathroom. At parang akong nauupos na kandilang naupo sa tiles. Namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko. Naiinis ako kay Russell. Pero mas naiinis ako sa sarili ko. How I loved him despite of everything. Naiyak na'ko nang tuluyan pag naalala ko ang katangahan ko. Naawa ako sa sarili ko. Pinigilan ko ang humikbi at baka marinig niya ito.
Hinintay kong maubos ang mga luha ko bago ako naligo at lumabas ng banyo. Ayokong umiyak sa harap ni Russell. Paglabas ko ng banyo, hindi ko man lang siya tinapunan ng tingin. Pero nakaligtas sa mata ko ang beer na hawak niya. After I dried my hair, humiga na ako.
Nagulat ako at yumakap siya sa likod ko.
"Im sorry." he whispered.
His beer-scented warm breath is enough to make my heart beats fast. And when he burrowed his face in my hair, I clutched the sheets. His touch alone can take me to my fantasies. And I'm melting.
And reality when reality kicks in, tumulo na naman ang luha sa mga mata ko. Bakit napakabilis mawala ng galit ko sa kanya kahit na nasasaktan ako?
He's pulling closer, to face him. Pero nagmatigas ako. And he rolled on top of me, to get to the other side. And now we're face to face.
"Im really sorry. I didn't mean it. Lahat ng sinabi ko hindi ko sinasadya. Nabigla lang ako." he wiped my tears. "Stop crying."
"Wala kaming ginagawang masama." I said between sobs.
"I know. And I'm sorry. Nagalit lang siguro ako because I didn't like what I saw. Sa totoo lang gustong gusto ko na siyang sapakin kanina. But with you around, I can't do that. I don't want you to see me that way. Ayokong matakot ka sa akin." malumanay na sabi nito.
Ayaw niya akong matakot sa kanya? Hindi pa ba ba nakakatakot yung histura niya? Parang siyang kakain ng tao.
"Ayoko ng nagpapatuloy ka ng lalaki dito ng wala ako. Anything can happen."
"He's my classmate."
"I know. But you don't know how men think. You just have to cautious. Hindi yung kung kanino kanino ka sumasama."
Kung kani kanino sumasama
Ganun ba talaga ang tingin niya sa akin? It's because he just picked me up from a bar that night?
"Is that how you feel about me? I'm that easy like I am everybody's bitch?" napahagulgol ako.
And he started to panic. "No, of course not! Hindi ko sinasadya. I'm sorry. It's just that... I don't know how to explain it .I....I don't like it when you're with someone else. Ant ganung eksena pa yung nakita ko. So how would you expect me to react?"
"Ang sakit mong magsalita. Kailangang ipamukha mo pa talaga sa akin? Ganun ba talaga kababa ang tingin mo sa'kin?"
"No, I'm really sorry. I was just...jealous...maybe...kaya ko siguro nasabi yun." nahihiyang sabi nito.
This is something new. He admitted he's jealous.
"You don't have to. Wala kaming relasyon. Wala akong gusto sa kanya." I assured him.
"I know. Wala kang gusto sa kanya. Pero siya.... I can tell by the way he looks at you."
"He can look at me whenever he wants to. I don't care.That doesn't the fact that I'm now your wife."
"We maybe be married but I realized, that doesn't give me a guarantee that you're......mine." nakayukong sabi nito.
"What do you mean?" anong drama nito.
"This whole thing, our marriage, I know you didn't want to be in this mess. That you chose me over Ralph kasi kilala mo na'ko. And I know, there will come a time that you'll get tired of this. You'll get tired of me. Of everything And you'll realize you want you're old life back. And maybe find someone else." malungkot na sabi nito.
" Those are my lines..." napasimagot ako.
Nang aasar ba siya. Parang ganito rin yung sinabi ko sa kanya noon nung nasa Cebu kami. Nung nagdrama ako.
Tumawa siya. "Yeah, I know. I just realized, pareho tayo ng iniisip. I was just hoping that , we may feel the same way."
Wait..........syet! Anong ibig niyang sabihin?
"What do you mean?" naguluhan ako. Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko.
Huminga siya ng malalim. Parang may gusto siyang sabihin at hirap siya na bigkasin ito.
"I was hoping that we feel the same way.....that you love me.... too." tumingin siya saken.
Stop right there. Nabibingi na ba ako? Meron ba tlagang "too" sa dulo ng sinabi niya? I can ask him to say it again just to make sure I heard the word "too" clearly.
Before I can utter a single word, he scooped me in his arms, and pressed his lips to mine. I startled at first, but eventually pulled him closer, and slowly, we kissed. We're almost ouf of air when he pulled away.
"I love you..." he said softly.
Those three powerful words came out of his mouth. And it's like a sweet melody to my ears. A melody I've been dying to hear. What took him so long, when it took me only few days to realize that I love him? Akala ko magkakahiwalay na kami, and he had no idea how I miserably waited to hear those words from him.
"I love you too." I was mindless.
I can't think of anything else other than my love for him. He stared at me in disbelief. And before we realized what's just happened, we found ourselves, smiling, laughing, cuddling, kissing...the list is endless. This blissfull feeling is indescribable. And I'm so frustrated that words are not seem enought to describe how it feels to be loved, and be in love.
He kissed mo once again and wasted no time. I want to feel his body. Parang sabik na sabik kami sa isa't isa. And before I knew it, we're both naked. And it always feels like the first time. This is the real making love. Because we found love at last. We both love each other.
We were both catching our breath as he lay next to me. Ako na yata ang pinakasayang babae sa buong mundo. Russell loves me too. Naramdaman kong humigpit ang yakap niya sa beywang ko.
"You know how long I waited for this. I just thought that you..still love...him, don't you?"
Si Vince ba ang tinutukoy niya?
"No." I gave him a straight answer.
At napabangon siya. "Since when you found out that you love...I mean....that you don't love him anymore?"
I snaked my arms on his waist and smiled. " I'm not sure when exactly. Before the wedding maybe."
"That's what I thought." He's grinning.
And I wanted to ask him the same thing. But I guess, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm happy now and contented. Even if he tells me, he just realized that he loves me seconds ago, this happiness that I fell right now, it won't change anything.
Kung meron man akong gustong pag usapan, gusto kong linawin ang mga misunderstanding namin.
"Hey, may sasabihin pala ako...about the pills?"
"No, dont worry about it. I was being selfish. I wont force you into something you dont want to." his voice gentled.
"No, no it's not that. It's not what you think it is." I was frantic.
And his brow creased. "What is it then?"
"Remember when I had a check up in Cebu? It was prescribed by the doctor as some sorf of a...medication."
"Why?" he's confused.
" My periods come irregularly. So she said it will regualte my monthly cycle. Because if not, pregnancy...may not be possible."
There was a stunned silence. "But.... your cycle is now back to normal right?"
His voice is torn between disappointment and concern. And I wanted to cry.
"But it's not as simple as that. I have this kind of a disease...na baka mahirapan akong magbuntis in the future." It has to be it. A disease. Parang malala pakinggan pero hindi naman. Either which way, he's my husband and he needs to know.
"So how is it? How do you feel? May sumasakit ba sa'yo?" concern na tanong nito.
"No, it's not something physical. I may have this hormonal imbalance. That getting pregnant may be difficult." Sa tingin ko ay para akong isang sirang plaka. Paulit ulit.
"Is that it? Nothing serious?" parang natutuwang sabi nito.
"Nothing phusically serious." I assured him.
I said physically. But "nothing serious" ba yung possibleng hindi na magkaanak? How horrible is that?
"The truth is I don't care anymore. Maybe we can figure something out in the future. As long as walang masamang nangyari sayo o mangyayari sa'yo, that's my main concern."
"Pero, gustong gusto mo ng.... magkababy diba?"
He chuckled. "Of course, sino bang may ayaw? But I'm willing to wait. Ang importante gumaling ka."
"May itatanong ako."
"Hmmnn..." his eyes are now closed.
"I can see your...eagerness to have a baby. I'm just wondering, why?"
It's evident. He had me checked when we were in Cebu. And he was furious when he found out I'm into contraception.
"You really wanna know?"
I nodded.
"The thing is, having a baby, is probably my own way of keeping you to our marriage. If that happens, you'll have no choice but to stick with me."
I almost crack a laugh but he seemed serious. I don't want to ruin the mood, so I had to pocket a smile.
"Or just in case, you'll soon realize that, you don't want this marriage anymore and you want out. And if you ever thought of leaving, I'll keep our baby. Our baby will be the only reminder of we had. At hindi ko siya ibibigay sa'yo." and he pinched my nose.
" Why would I do that?" I wrinkled my nose.
He placed one finger on my lips. " Ssshhh...I'm not yet done."
I threatened to bite him. And he kissed me to keep me still.
"Naisip ko rin na...Vince will be out of the picture, there is no more chance for both of you, pag may baby na tayo..." he paused like he wanted to say more.
"One thing, para mawala na ang mga umaaligid sa'yo. Gaya nung isa ngayon." at inirapan niya ako.
" Sino naman?" Kahit alam kong si Seth ang tinutukoy niya.
" Don't play innocent. And did I tell you to shut up?" and he rolled on top me.
His heavy and I can't complain. I have to zip my mouth and enjoyed the weight of his well-endowed body.
"I want you to go to school pregant, like some students in school, with me by your side...."
Yeah. Like some students na pumapasok na buntis. At pinagtsitsismisan ng mga mga estudyante. Pero pag sa akin nangyari yun, I wonder how it feels like. The hell I care with them. Maybe I'll show off my bump, stray and walk in the campus, hand in hand with Russell. I would have been so proud.
" Did my answers satisfied your question?" he teased.
I was mindless when he slid his hands in my blouse and feel me. Hindi lang ako maka get over sa mga sinabi niya. At gusto na ito ang laman ng isip ko magdamag. And I wanna flip my very long hair back and forth.
"Wala na. It's getting late, so I think we should....sleep." I tried to push him to the side but he kept his position, astrided on top of me.
His mouth twisted in a lazy smile. "Do you think that's what I would like to do now?"
Of course not. I can tell by the way his rock-hard flesh poking between my thighs. He lifted my top and started fondling ang kissing me.
" And since we can't have baby yet..." and he pulled down my shorts and my undies.
" Let's just practice then..."
"Practice what?"
"on how to make a baby.."
{"expiration"UdT"