chapter twelve
garrett was resting his chin on the palm of his hand, lip caught between his two teeth and eyebrows furrowed as he concentrated. we were sat cross legged on the most grass, admiring the attractions around us. today we had decided to go to red hill fair; the weather was hot and kissing our skins, our brains not only fried from the sun but from the night of drinking previous. whilst drew, morgan and andrew were on the "oxygen" rollercoaster, garrett and i had decided to look after the bags so i could properly talk to him.
'we had this huge argument and i told him that i didn't even like guys, that i didn't like the way he was making me feel and how i just felt awful the whole time because i was acting like someone i wasn't around loren, my dad, my sister for god's sake.' i rambled, making him nod and bite into his corn dog, completely engaged with the story. 'and then he said "fuck anyone who has hurt you, you're precious and don't deserve that," or something and then...'
garrett was jumping around in the floor in anticipation. 'then what!' he exclaimed, grabbing onto my arm like an excited toddler.
'he may or may not of sucked me off.' i whispered, making him scream.
'you did what!' he screeched as i clamped my hand over his mouth, telling him to be quiet. he stifled his laughter, biting his lip innocently. 'what was it like? was he good?'
i smacked garrett's arm, trying to hide the small smile that was growing on my lips. before i could even answer, morgan, drew and andrew could be seen walking away from the rollercoaster, giddy and dizzy. assuring me we'd talk about it later, garrett jumped up from the grass and ran over to drew. his arms wrapped around the long haired boy's neck, and drew soon stood on his tiptoes to kiss the blonde's lips.
this is the second time i've seen them kiss, and honestly it didn't surprise me. they looked sweet together, and garrett being four inches taller than him made the whole thing even cuter. morgan and andrew soon caught up with the two, hand in hand, making me realise that i was in fact the only one here without someone.
well, loren. she's still my girlfriend, and my parents are back from paris tonight, if i even dared to tell them that i was breaking up with her, let alone that i was gay, i don't think they'd ever speak to me again. the thing is, me being with loren helps my dad a lot. both of our fathers were alliances in their industry, yet loren's dad was higher above than mine. if i dumped her, my father would surely lose his job.
anyway, why would i break up with her and make my dad redundant for a boy who doesn't even exist?
i sighed heavily, agreeing as morgan suggested we all go on the ferris wheel. it was six people per carriage, she informed me, staring up at the glass pods that would hold us. we made our way over, my sister hand in hand with andrew, garrett's arm around drew's neck as he whispered into his ear.
once we were inside the dome, i rested my forehead against the glass window and stared outside as we grew further away from the ground. they were all chatting excitedly, drew teasing garrett and making him blush pink as the other two laughed. i felt so obsessed, so infatuated, so vulnerable with shane. it was like he was some kind of virus that had entered my body, invading every limb and brain cell until he was all i could think about.
i kept slightly quiet for the rest of the day. after driving everyone home, at around 9pm, morgan and i went into our separate room, but only after she had hugged me and said how everyone loved me last night. i smiled shyly, closing my door and falling back onto my bed. i pulled my laptop from out of my bedside cabinet and opened the lid, the white apple logo shining brightly.
the pad of my index finger traced the finder, clicking on the google icon. the whole shane thing; not just last night – well, obviously that played a huge part in it – but the butterflies i would feel around him, those little heart flutters where my stomach would churn.
how to know if you like boys, i typed into the search bar, staring at the swirling loading icon. a few quizzes and pages came up, which i skipped past, finally landing on a wiki how articles. i skimmed the first few paragraphs, slowing down at the main few points. this was all bullshit anyway. if i really liked boys then i would know in my heart. i thought about how whenever shane was around, i would study every detail of his face until i knew it off by heart. i was obsessed with his figure, curvy legs and broad shoulders, and his eyes had me drawn in from day one.
i sighed, scrolling aimlessly through twitter before hearing my phone buzz. it was around midnight now, my eyes burning from the bright screen. i'd barely been on it all day unless to take photos of everyone at the fair; so when i clicked the home button, the screen lit up with multiple texts.
loren ♡: hey babe. are you okay? you've seemed so off lately and didn't even take me out for dinner this weekend. see you at school tomorrow xxx
me: i'm fine don't worry. see you tomo x
i sighed, ending the reply with a single kiss. i wonder how shane texted; my phone was always in my pocket during my dreams, but i never got it out. whenever i dreamt, it would be shane and i. never just me. my finger swiped onto the next message, revealing garrett's contact. my eyes pricked with tears because i wanted to be texting shane, and i wanted him to be with me all the time, not just in my sleep. i wanted him to come to the funfair with me, to kiss me on the beach like garrett and drew did, to hold me tight like andrew does morgan.
garrett: you alright? you seemed upset today.
me: i'm finding this really difficult.
garrett: i know. i wish there was something i could do to help. just sleep, ry, you know you'll feel better if you do. x
as i turned off my phone, i heard the faint sound of the front door opening and closing. my parents were home. how brilliant, they would be coming upstairs and want to know what i did this weekend, and here i was curled up in a ball on the verge of a mental breakdown.
leaping out of bed, i switched the light off and the room was filled with darkness. i fumbled my way back into bed, crawling under the covers and shutting my eyes shut, just as my parents yelled hello. my door clicked open but i didn't move, staying silent. they sighed, muttering how grown up i was. my dad said how proud he was of me, and i had to hold myself back from snapping bullshit at him because he wasn't. he was proud of me for all the wrong reasons – for the business alliances i've helped him make, for keeping up a respectful image.
'andrew shut up!' i heard my sister giggle, and my dad spoke up to my mother, asking what that noise was. shortly followed after, i heard andrew laughing, and i knew from the close proximity of his voice that they were not on the phone. morgan didn't even realise my parents were here. they were gonna bust her, i realised, thinking on my feet and quickly stretching.
'mom! dad! hey, how are you?' i exclaimed loudly – probably a little too loud, actually, but i needed morgan to hear – and jumped out of bed. rubbing my eyes, i pretending to be sleepy, pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth so i yawned. their faces contorted into fake smiles as i hugged them, asking loudly how their weekend was. they nodded, and i listened, bored, as they droned on about the excellent french cuisine.
it had been at least five minutes since i heard morgan and andrew talk when my parents excused themselves to her room. i nodded, lazily crawling back into bed. of course he was here; i wasn't surprised, and it made my heart happy. they were in love. young love, sure, but love itself. to be honest, i don't really like the word. it's thrown around far too much. i said it to loren all the time, and i thought i loved her. but now? i'm not so sure.
before shane, i had never had those heart flutters. those urges to tear the others clothes off and kiss every inch of them until they were purple from your lips, just looking at someone and knowing that you'd never get tired of them because their whole being was a complete masterpiece. every single minute that wasn't spent with him made my heart hurt, my brain thump, this retching feeling in my stomach crawl into my throat to form this lump that held so many tears.
of course, i wasn't in love with shane. but when i closed my eyes to sleep that night, all i could think of was his eyes.
his pretty, beautiful, stunning blue eyes.