I let Loki sleep on our conversation last night, eventually getting up and leaving him alone to think.
I had a lot to think about as well, but I came to the same conclusion over and over again. I love him.
I get out of bed on this hazy and cloudy morning and quickly change into some clothes. I walk over to Loki's room and see the door slightly open.
I knock softly, "Hey, do you want to go eat breakfast?" I ask as a way to diffuse any lingering tension or awkwardness from last night.
What I see when I walk in the room is a frantic looking Loki, in the same outfit as yesterday, pacing back and forth in his room.
I close the door behind me.
"Loki, are you alright?" I ask.
His eyes spring over to me. They look red and bloodshot from fatigue. No, he most certainly isn't okay. He's panicking.
"Tell me it isn't true." He blurts out and I'm taken aback.
"What?" I reply.
"Tell me you don't really love me, please." He begs.
I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. I look at him apologetically.
"I can't." I answer truthfully.
He visibly sinks. "I will hurt you," He says solemnly.
"I don't care." I shake my head.
"Well I do." He snaps, "I'm a monster, Cassidy. And monsters do monstrous things to people."
I walk over to him and grab his hand, "I believe in you, Loki. You are good."
He laughs sinisterly and shakes his head.
"Well I suppose it doesn't even matter, the others will never let you be with me. All that they see is all that I am. And God, I don't know how I tricked you without even trying to, but somehow you see something when you look at me that nobody else has before." Loki says.
"Maybe nobody else has ever truly seen you." I reply, he removes his hand from mine.
"We are so unalike Cassidy Martin. You shouldn't feel this way." He backs away from me, shaking his head.
"Don't tell me who I'm allowed to love, Loki." I snap back, suddenly growing annoyed at him.
"I suspect nobody could ever tell you what to do." He replies with a smile.
"You could. I'd do just about anything for you." I tell him and his eyebrows furrow.
"But I don't want that!" He shouts, and I keep quiet, "I've taken advantage of every person in my life, but I refuse to do that to you. I admired you for your independence, and your courage. Don't be blinded."
What he says just backfired, because it only makes me love him more. But I also recognize that it's not fair of me to keep berating him about this. Maybe he truly doesn't want me the way I want him. Maybe I misread things.
"If this is your way of letting me down easy, then just say it. I'll understand." I say, bracing myself for the devastating blow.
"Stop that. You know...you know I care for you. I'm not trying to pretend I don't." He says, and it's the closest thing I've gotten to an admission of his feelings, "But lets be honest Cassidy, I can't have you. This would never work."
I bite my tongue. I can't argue with him forever.
"What are you saying Loki?" I settle on this, letting him decide where we go from here.
"It feels impossible." He says.
I don't reply. You can't force someone to want to be with you.
"It is impossible." He adds.
And that's that, I guess. I feel tears stinging at the back of my eyelids, but I blink them back.
I nod, and then I turn and walk out of his room.
What good is it fighting for someone who doesn't want you to fight for them?
When I shut the door behind me, I look up and jump as I see Cap standing there with his arms crossed and an angry look on his face.
"Not now, Steve." I sigh, walking past him.
"I told you I wouldn't say anything if you ended it. But you didn't end it, and you clearly aren't listening to me." He says, and my heart sinks. I turn back to look at him.
"What did you do, Steve?" I ask. He must have told everyone about us. A punishment for me not listening when he said stop seeing Loki. Great.
"Living room. Five minutes." He says, then walks away. I run to my room and shut the door, feeling my tears about to spill over. I sink the floor and let myself cry, because hell I think I deserve it.
First the man I love tells me he doesn't want to be with me, and now I have to go face everyone else as they yell at me for seeing him even though he just broke my heart. I sit on the ground and pity myself for a few minutes, but then I realize that stalling won't make them all go away.
I guess I may as well face them all.
I walk out of my room, wipe tear stains off of my cheeks, and walk to the living room. Everyone is already arguing with one another, and shouting at Loki who sits looking as melancholy as ever on the sofa.
"Oh great, Cassidy. Go join your lover over there on the sofa." Clint snaps at me and I flinch. He's not pleased with this, clearly. I listen though, sitting beside Loki. I don't even look at him. I can't.
"Barton, if you ever call them lovers again I will hit you." Tony quips.
I look up at Steve and shake my head in disappointment and anger. Some friend he is.
"I'm doing this to protect you." He says, noticing my glare.
That's the thing about Cap. If he thinks you're good, there will be nobody kinder to you in the world than him. The second he disagrees with you, he is against you completely. He is guided only by his morals, and he always thinks he is right.
Maybe this time he was.
I sink down into my seat and let everyone yell at me about how dumb I was. A chorus of comments come my way, but I don't respond to any of them. I just let them all chip away at me until I feel absolutely broken.
"What were you thinking?"
"Loki? Really? He's a murderer. He's psychotic!"
"He took advantage of her. It's in his nature."
"Isn't he like a thousand years old?"
"Cassidy I really expected better from you."
"I don't get what good you thought could come from this."
"It's foolish."
"Give her a break. He's the problem here."
"I thought she was smarter than this."
Eventually the voices blend so much that I don't even know who's saying what. It doesn't matter. The message is received.
I do notice that Tony has remained uncharacteristically quiet. He hasn't yelled at me once.
But then someone yells out a dig that I can't ignore.
"We can't seriously consider allowing this, I mean, Loki's a monster." Someone says, and I finally look up and explode on them.
"Enough! All of you! There's nothing between Loki and I. Trust me. Do you think he would ever care about me? I'm a nobody, he's a God. There's nothing to even argue about here. You people are all kidding yourselves if you think we could ever be together. It's impossible." I shout, using Loki's own words. Maybe it was impossible. Either way, none of their complaints matter. We're over anyways.
"But I saw you two together." Cap interjects again and I roll my eyes.
"You saw a momentarily lapse in both of our judgements." I snap angrily, "It meant nothing."
Cap is about to protest again when Loki interjects, "Shes lying."
He says, and everyone remains silent. I look over at him in confusion. What is he doing? I'm trying to save him from getting yelled at anymore. I'm trying to put an end to this.
"It meant everything." He says, looking me right in the eyes.
I'm absolutely shocked, but a smile creeps onto my lips, which were already parted from how stunned I am that he said that. If this is his way of apologizing...it's working. Loki is a rollercoaster of a person, why should I expect his emotions and actions to be any different? It certainly does take me by surprise more often than not.
I don't particularly enjoy the whiplash. But if it's in my favor like his new change of heart is, I think I can live with it.
"Well I don't like the sound of that." Clint speaks up first as everyone soaks what Loki said in.
Everyone begins to yell at me again, but with Loki beside me and apparently regretting what he said before, it's easier to take.
Tony is still silent though, which scares me. His opinion is the only one that really matters to me.
Loki slowly scooches his hand over on the couch and rests it beside mine. He takes his pinky and intertwines it with my own, a small gesture to let me know he's with me. It calms me.
I notice Tony staring at our hands, though nobody else seemed to notice.
"Cassidy, are you sure about this?" He asks me, cutting through the other voices.
"No, do I have to be?" I answer him honestly.
"I'd like you to be." He replies.
I sit up straighter, fully grabbing Loki's hand in my own. I look over at him and smile, "I'm sure I want to try."
Tony sighs and leans back in his chair, holding his arms out, "Well, then who are we to stop you."
"Tony you can't seriously be okay with this." Cap snaps, shocked.
Tony turns to face Steve, "I'm okay with her being happy. And frankly it's not up to me what she does. Just that she's safe while doing it."
I look at him, and mouth a small 'thank you.' He nods.
"Oh, speaking of. Loki, if you ever hurt or betray this girl there is not a planet you could hide on or an infinity stone that could stop me from hunting you down and killing you." Tony adds, pointing directly at Loki. He then smiles to himself and says, "Ha, I've always wanted to give a speech like that."
"I'm trembling in my boots, Stark." Loki replies, also wearing a small smile.
"I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous." Steve scoffs.
I honestly don't want to listen to any more arguing about this, so I stand from the couch and leave the room.
When they think I'm out of earshot, they begin speaking again.
"Hey, Cap, listen. I don't like it either, but she's an adult. And who knows, maybe it will be good for Loki...maybe she can change him." Tony says.
My throat tightens at the thought of that responsibility.
I make it to my room, but I feel a hand grab my arm gently. I turn around to see Loki chased after me.
"I'm sorry." He says, probably referring to everything he said earlier.
"I know this is hard for you." I tell him, not exactly accepting his apology but still being sympathetic.
"Feeling the way I feel about you...it goes against everything I've ever believed." He says, and I grab his hands.
"Well then talk to me, and we can work through it together. Don't shut me out." I beg, looking him in those beautiful eyes.
"I won't, not anymore." He promises, and I smile.
"Then I don't care what anyone else has to say. I love you, Loki." I tell him, and he brings a hand up to cup my cheek, running his thumb across my lower lip.
"I'll do everything I can to be worthy of that love." He says.
He still hasn't told me he loves me back, but this is still enough to make my heart swell with adoration for him. I know this process will take time, and I'm willing to put in the effort.
"You already are." I tell him, and he smiles.
Then he leans in and kisses me, and suddenly nothing else in the world matters but this.