"Look, Is. I think we need to talk..." Alex said, looking a me with puppy eyes. His hair was falling in thick strands, indicating that he must've run his hand through it a million times while the movie had been playing. When we were younger, the hand-through-the-hair-manoeuvre was a clear indication of Alex being nervous or uncomfortable. I doubted that had changed.
I sat up straight on the sofa as I realised that this was a big deal to him. "Alright," I spoke.
"This is kinda hard for me to word, Issy, so...uh...you know...uhm.." he went silent, looking at me with desperate eyes.
"You know, for a guy living off being good with words, you really have a horrible vocabulary," I teased him.
"Shut up, wanker," he said and made a wanking gesture with his right hand, causing me to smile from ear to ear. Sometimes he still acted as he had done when he was 15.
His face soon fell back into the serious folds it had possessed before, "I just want to say that I am sorry, alright.." he said, almost in a whisper, "for everything. I know I was a prick.. I should have come back immediately. I should have visited you everytime I was in Sheffield. I should have been there when your father passed away. When you moved into your first flat. When you landed that job at NME. God, I can't believe I missed so much of your life.."
"I were a prick! A massive one! I hated you for so many years - mostly because you were right; I was jealous and petty and I just...missed you, Alex."
"Do you think maybe we can go back to the way things were before?"
"In all honesty? No. The things you said that day changed something in me. In my life, there's a before and an after.."
I could see that my words had hit him like a truck.
"Shit," he mumbled without looking at me, "I'm so sorry. I hope you know that I have no idea where those words came from. I never should have said anything. "
"I know where they came from and come to think about it, I think you needed to word them," I shrugged, "cause you just spoke the truth - but holy fuck did it hurt to hear from you.."
"No" he shook his head, "they weren't true. I was just frustrated with....everything. You were funnelling all your anger and confusion towards me."
"Can you blame me?" I asked him, "imagine your best friend treating you the same way that you treated me."
He sighed, "I honestly can't imagine anything worse.." he said. Still not looking at me.