Thinking about Marianne had brought all of the hatred I felt on the day I left.
Hatred and sadness.
The memories of the day I left started to flood my head. I could see myself running out of the house after receiving the worst phone call in my life. I could see myself crying as I shut the door behind me. I hesitated before getting in the car. I remembered looking back at the house and thinking, what was I doing? I couldn't just leave without telling Damian anything. And then I remembered thinking about my little sister, somewhere, alone, crying by herself. And I thought about the way I was living. I wasn't happy. Yes, of course I could just leave without saying anything. Damian probably won't even notice my absence until next week. I was done living like this.
I remember getting in the car, with just my purse, and driving away. I didn't look back again.
"My mother-" Damian said after a moment. He shook his head. "Please tell me she didn't-" he looked up at me. "Please tell me she didn't do those horrible things."
"I don't want you to hate her," I said to him. "I don't want you to fight with her. I just want you to understand one of the reasons I left."
He gulped. "There just has to be an explanation for the way she treated you."
He was in denial. I didn't blame him. If somebody came and told me that my mom had been a whole other person than what I thought she was, I probably wouldn't believe them either. When I left, I was full of hatred towards her. I thought I hated her at some point. She made it so hard to live in her house. Damian was never home so he didn't see what happened. I thought I also resented him for a long time. She would do everything in her power to make my life miserable. Mock me in front of her friends. Hide the car keys from me so I wouldn't use it. It was the reason I ended up getting my own car. The thing was that yes, Marianne was horrible towards me, but I understood that she was still Damian's mother. Nothing was ever going to change that. Which was why I wanted her to like me so bad. It just didn't work.
Now, I wasn't the woman full of hatred anymore. I was past that. At least, I thought I was.
So, I half-smiled, trying to lighten up the mood, show Damian that the damage was done and I had moved on. "Let me know what it is when she tells you."
Damian didn't say anything. Instead, he sat back down on the edge of the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor.
I leaned against the drawer behind me and crossed my arms on my chest as silence filled the room.
Seeing him like that made the anger inside of me diminish. I knew it wasn't fair for Damian to find out that his own mother was one of the reasons I had left without saying anything. Maybe I had subconsciously done it to hurt Marianne too. I knew how much he meant to her. He was her pride. There wasn't a single reason to explain why I left. There were many. I loved Damian, he was the love of my life, but sometimes love wasn't enough. Love was only a part of marriage. It was important, yes, but so was trust, happiness, and spending time with one another. Sometimes life got in the way of love.
I didn't know what I was thinking anymore. I was tired of arguing. Tired of thinking about the past. I hated those awful memories. It was one of the reasons I never spoke about it with anyone, including Alexa. I didn't want to remember anything.
I hated to see Damian hurt. It wasn't like himself to look so vulnerable and miserable. It was my fault he was like that. I hurt him. Now, I understood that it didn't matter that I wasn't happy. Running away wasn't the right solution. It had been selfish-the most selfish thing I had ever done in my life. I had damaged our marriage. I had hurt Damian.
How could I ever fix this? I couldn't. I knew that a million "sorry's" weren't going to undo the damage that I had caused.
"I'm sorry about Julian," I said after a long moment of silence. I stared straight ahead, at the window. "It wasn't an exclusive relationship. I-we-I didn't sleep with him," I said quietly.
Damian didn't say anything for a moment.
I knew it wasn't the time to dive into my so-called boyfriend situation but I felt the need to come clean. I didn't want Damian to think that I had been unfaithful to him. Okay. Maybe I had been unfaithful by going on dates with another man but at least I could say that I didn't sleep with anyone in the time that I was separated from him. I wanted Damian to know that.
"You know, my father warned me many times," he finally said as he looked down at the floor. "He always told me that this career came with huge sacrifice...in a way, I think he felt guilty that I had followed his footsteps..." he sniffed and I realized that he was crying. "He would be so disappointed..."
"Oh, Damian." I walked to him and put my arms around his shoulders. He buried his face in my stomach. "Your father loved you," I said softly. "And you didn't disappoint him-there's no way."
He didn't say anything. Instead, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him so that I was standing in between his thighs. I caressed the back of his head as I tried to fight back the tears.
I felt so much guilt. I wish I could go back in time and fix my mistake. I never should have left him like that. I knew that now but it was too late. The damage was done. Now I had to suffer the consequences. He was still mourning his father's death and there I went to break the image he had of his mother. God, I was horrible.
I didn't deserve Damian.
I knew it and I was pretty sure he knew it too.
After a long moment, I felt Damian press his lips against my stomach. I felt my body tense. His hands went under my blouse and I caught my breath when I felt his big hands on my bare waist. He pressed his lips against my skin, just next to my belly button. He began to fill my skin with soft kisses, making my knees feel weak.
Then he stood up and kissed me, hard, on the lips. It was so unexpected-I took a step back.
"Damian," I murmured against his lips. I pressed my hand on his chest and pushed him away gently, just enough to make him look at me. He seemed hazy, as if he were drunk. I could also see lust in his eyes.
What was he doing? We were at each other's throats not so long ago. Did he drink at the beach? No, he wouldn't have. He was a responsible doctor.
He placed his hand on my cheek. "I want you," he said as he pressed his lips against mine.
He began to kiss me quickly and fiercely. I was flattered that he still wanted me, especially after the argument we just had. He wanted me, even though I had hurt him. I really didn't deserve this man.
Damian went down to my neck and I closed my eyes, as I put my hand behind his head to press him closer to me. He pulled my blouse up and out of my head, leaving me in my bra. I reached out and took his jacket off and he reached out to loosen his tie and take off his shirt.
He continued to kiss me and I didn't realize we were moving until my back hit the wall. Damian's hand was on my lower back, teasing my skin. I loved the feeling of his skin against mine.
After a long moment, we stopped. I could feel his hot breath on my neck. We were both breathing hard, trying to catch our breath. Suddenly, he reached out and placed his palm against my cheek and pulled my head up so I would look at him.
"You are my wife," he said, his voice was possessive and sexy. "I want you to stay," He said looking straight into my eyes. "We'll work it out. Just-stay with me," He said kissing my lips. "Please."
I felt like crying but I didn't want to ruin the moment. I wanted Damian. I didn't want to worry about anything else. I just wanted us to focus on us in the room, half-naked.
"I missed you, Rebecca," Damian whispered as he kissed me. "I missed you so much." He pulled back to look at me. "Did you miss me?"
I gulped, trying to fight back the tears. "Of course I missed you."
He half smiled and he looked younger for a second. He ran his thumb across my lower lip. "Do you still love me?"
Oh God. He was making it so hard for me to not burst into tears. I didn't want to cry. I wanted him to continue what he started and make me his. I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted to feel his lips in every inch of my body. My skin was burning with desire for him. Didn't he know? Could he not feel that I was dying to be his again? Could he not see in my eyes that I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms for the rest of my life? Couldn't he tell that I realized I made the biggest mistake of my life when I walked out of his life?
I wanted to tell him this but I couldn't tell him without crying so instead, I nodded. "Yes, Damian," I whispered as I pressed my palm against his cheek. "I love you."
A tear escaped from my eye and he cleaned it with his finger as he smiled. He pulled my chin up and pressed his lips against mine. I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of his body against mine. I had forgotten how good-how right-it felt to be in his arms. I had forgotten how safe I felt. I forgot how loved he made me feel when we were together.
This was how it was always supposed to be. This was what we had lost-and now we had found it again. In that moment, nothing mattered but him and I. I didn't care about anything else. I didn't want to think about anything else. Nothing mattered. I just wanted to think about how good it felt to have his lips against mine, his skin against my skin. I wanted to dive into the way he was holding me and stay like that forever.
It was there, in our intimacy, that he whispered, "I love you too," before picking me up and taking me to the bed, to finish what he had started.