nda: hello everyone ♡ I just wanted to let you know that there's going to be some curse words in this chapter - you'll see, Thomas is feeling really down. I hope you don't mind. I personally think this chapter is kind of shorter than the others? I don't know. Lots of love
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Thomas POV
It's been a week now since I got home.
And Dylan haven't answered any of my texts nor phone calls. Last time I heard from him was when I told him I was in a cab on my way home.
And then he vanished.
And I couldn't feel worse. My anxiety is through the roof, mixed up with the depressing thoughts. I had three panic attacks already, thinking I was going to die each time, eventually falling asleep and waking up all alone, checking my phone only to see I didn't receive anything.
I just don't understand why he doesn't answer. We kissed, we shared our feelings, we even told each other I love you's. He told me he was going to miss me so much, so why the fuck is he avoiding me now?
Did he lie to me?
Just the thought of that drives me crazy. But there aren't other explanations, right? Another reason for his behavior would be that he's been kidnapped, but that's unlikely, also, I can see he connects to his social media from times to times, so that's not it.
I guess he just lied. Like he said, he just wanted to try something.
I always said that I wouldn't be mad at Dylan if he didn't want us to be more than friends. But that didn't mean he could toy with me and then throw me away like I'm worthless.
Even though I probably am.
I meant that in a way like... I would have probably told him, in the end, and whatever he would have said would have been okay for me. Want us to be friends? Okay. Want us to be more? Perfect.
Want to kiss, make me believe you love me and then ignore and break me? That's not okay.
Once again I'm hurt, once again I'm all alone but this is way worse knowing that this time it was him. And I never thought he would...
In fits of anger, I get up from my bed and grab everything I can see, throwing everything on the floor, on the walls, breaking stuff, I don't care, my pain is just too big, my anger too strong. I'm angry at Dylan. I'm angry at myself. I'm fucking angry. I'm fucking hurt. I can't take it anymore. I punch my fists into the wall, again, and again, until my hands hurt more than my heart does.
Good job, Thomas, you're bleeding. I walk into the bathroom and bandage my wounded hands before crawling under my blankets, doing all of this mechanically because my brain finally shut up -and also because I'm kind of used to.
So I just stay there, laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling while tears of exhaustion roll down my temples. Grabbing my phone, I decide to send one last text to Dylan.
To: my flower✿: Dylan, this is the last text I send you. At first, I thought something had happened to you but now I think you just don't want to hear from me anymore and want me to leave you alone. So, I'm going to. Just so you know, I'm deadly worried, but I think you just don't care. I hope you're safe anyway. Bye
Two minutes after that, I can hear my phone buzzing and my heart immediately starts beating faster in anticipation.
But it's a text from Ki Hong.
From: Ki: hey buddy, what's up? how is it going with dyl?
To: Ki: terrible
Almost immediately, Ki Hong calls me and even though I don't want to talk to anyone, I pick up (or he's going to kill me next time we see each other).
"Hey."
"Hey man, what's going on? What do you mean terrible?!"
I sigh, trying to gather all my ideas together to form actual sentences.
"Uh, we kissed. He said he loved me. It's been wonderful for two days and then I came home. Now he's ignoring me."
He gasps and I can almost see him facepalm in the phone.
"What do you mean ignoring you?"
"Doesn't answer my texts nor phone calls. I was supposed to go back to his place a few days ago but I think he doesn't want to see me anymore so..."
He sighs loudly. "Man. I'm going to kill him."
I slightly chuckle and shake my head. "You're not. And don't talk to him about this. Please."
There's a minute of silence before he continues the talking.
"What about you? How are you feeling?"
"... Terrible."
"Any panic attacks?"
I close my eyes and don't respond, pressing my two lips together.
"Thomas."
"...Three."
"...Okay Tom. I'm coming to your place tomorrow."
"You don't have to -"
"Yes, I'm coming. Don't try to talk me out of this. I'm not letting you go through this alone. You should have called me already."
A small tear leaves my eye and rolls down my nose, meeting my lips, leaving a salty taste on my tongue.
"Thank you." I whisper, because I don't want him to hear my shaky voice.
"You hang on, you hear me?"
I nod and hang up, covering my face under the blankets. Loneliness usually works pretty great on me, as an introvert, but this is different in that case where I'm constantly worried about something - about Dylan. Solitude isn't peaceful in that case, it feels overwhelming.
🌼
I can't fall asleep that night. I barely had some sleep this week anyway. Everytime I try to close my eyes, I find myself mechanically staring at the ceiling a few seconds later. Sometimes I think way too much which causes me to scream into my pillow, sometimes I just don't think at all and stare at nothing. Even forgetting to blink for minutes.
I glance at the clock to see it's only 5 am but I get up anyway. I walk into the kitchen and realize what a mess I've made those past few days, and since Ki Hong is going to be there soon, I decide to clean up a little bit. I should probably take a shower too.
But first I have to eat something - and that's when I realize my fridge is almost empty. I cleaned it up a little before... going to Dylan's and I didn't eat much these days. Shit, I've been a real mess. I don't have anything else than water to drink. No more tea nor coffee nor orange juice...
Same thing with food.
But I'm not in the mood to go to the store later.
Eventually I end up on the couch with a bowl of cereals and watch stupid stuff on TV that I don't even listen.
🌼
My door bell rings at 2pm and Ki Hong comes in before we hug shortly. He tells me he's planned on staying for a week, time for him to cheer me up.
"How are you feeling?"
"Awful. Also hungry."
"You didn't eat much did you?"
I don't know how he knows me so well since I don't share my feelings easily. But he's almost always right about me.
"Uh... I don't really have anything to eat and I didn't feel like going to the store so..."
For a minute I thought he was going to kill me, but he just nods with a sad smile on his face. His eyes widen when he sees my bruised hands, dried blood on my knuckles. He carefully takes them in his hands, looking closer.
"Shit, man. Why didn't you call me?!"
"...Couldn't. I could barely get out of my bed so..."
He sighs loudly and continues to talk. "I guess you didn't disinfect this."
I nod, because he's obviously right. "I don't have disinfectant anymore..."
He stares at me, a serious look on his face. think.
"Okay then, I'll go to the shop now. I'll bring some disinfectant and groceries. Just stay here and take a shower, okay? I'll be right back."
And then he leaves. And I'm off to the shower.
About twenty minutes later, still under the burning water I hear my door bell again. I frown because I didn't think Ki Hong would be this fast. I quickly dry myself and put my pajama pants on.
I open the door and my heart stops beating.