Dylan POV,
I don't have driver's license nor do I have someone to drive me, so I will just walk to the funeral home. Every step I make is one more step I want to take back. I know that when I reach the funeral home and the second I stand in front of his grave I will realize that it really is over. This is real life. The road there, the walk there, it just doesn't seem real. I feel like I am floating or someone is pushing me there. My heart and my lungs feel hard, stiffened. No one is coming with me or leaving with me. I want to be alone, to say goodbye all on my one, without anyone seeing my tears or showing me how much they pity me. I know that the guys and the mother will be there, but they are something else. If my mother came with me, I wouldn't think straight and will not be able to control my tears.
Emotions are not a problem. I lost them. I feel drained out and will go to this thing like that and come back home even worst because nothing right now can make me feel better. Everything is changing so fast and I, my heart, soul and mind can't stand it. This is too much damage to a person.
My heart stopped skipping a long time ago. My feet, they are not in my control. They are taking these huge steps, rushing to this place like they don't know what is waiting for them there. My hands, they are soaked with sweat and keep on playing with my pants, making my pants also soaked. My eyes half opened half closed, just trying to see if I will hit something or the other way around.
You can obviously see that I am extremely nervous and have a high level of anxiety. My knees are shaking, making that cracking noise. You know the one that wildfire makes. The weather is too bright and the sun is making sweat drops appear also on my face. Also is making me walk close to buildings, intertwining into the shadows. There is no cold breeze to cool me down and make my head not have a heat stroke. Nothing about this day is beautiful or relaxing.
I was close to the funeral home, finally getting some quiet vibes, since there isn't so much noise near it. I bought some flowers from an old lady that said I could use them if I am going to the funeral house. She was right so I bought them. They smell amazing.
I don't even know if John liked/loved flowers. We never talked about them, so I am not sure. But these are roses. Everyone loves roses. We didn't talk about those trivial questions and never spoke about the basic things, like what's my favourite type of dog, what's my favourite animal, what smoothie would I get at my favourite café... We only talked about serious, deep and goofy stuff. That brought me to not knowing what flowers he likes and walking to his funeral. Is it too late to someone run up to me and tell me that this is a joke/prank? If someone did do that, I wouldn't be mad at first. I would kiss them and thank them so much for making the truth come out and reassure me I haven't lost my mind and then be mad for a couple of days, but smiling in the corner of my room knowing it is not over. But no one was coming. Is it too late to hope?
I was the first one to arrive when it came to the boys. The mother was already there, with some guy. Seeing this different side of her, all broken, actually made me think about what my therapist told me. Should I apologize? Would John want me to apologize to his mother? She is the person who made such a great guy and if she didn't act like that John wouldn't be on that bus that day and we wouldn't meet at all. Should I thank her for giving birth to him and say sorry for yelling at her and calling her all of those names? I am aware that if I say sorry that those words won't vanish from that time and that her hate for me will probably just be a little less, but she will always know me as someone who was friends with her son, which is already a huge reminder to her soon and also be remembered as the guy who yelled at her and said all kinds of stuff to her. I guess that I should stay quiet and let the embarrassment of my past mistakes eat me up for the rest of my life. The guy approached me, scanned me and reached out his hand for a handshake. I took it and shook it firmly.
''Are you here to pay your condolence to the death of John Pool?'' I nodded.
''You are Dylan, right?'' I nodded again. ''I am Joe Erskin. Are the others on their way?''
''Yes, they will be here soon. How do you know my name and that there are others?''
''His mother talked about you guys and how much you made John happy. How much she actually owes you guys.'' I bit my lip. ''Please don't worry, we all say some things that we don't mean because we are not sure what we really want or need. She understands that and forgives you. But let the time pass Dylan, let it heal people first and then come back into their lives. You never know what is happening in their life.''
''I think I learned this lesson a long time ago and I am very aware what none awareness can do to a person, but thank you.''
''Here is my phone number, call me if you ever need someone to talk to.''
He passed me a paper with his name and number on it and went back to the mother, being left alone again.
They say the truth will set you free, but the second Joe told me about what the mother thought, the truth crashed me to the concrete and threw dirt into my face. How much more bad can I feel today. Can someone answer this instead of me finding out on my own?
Henry finally arrived and with his sister, which was a shocker to me first and then I realized that she is actually here to support Henry. We greeted each other and Henry instantly stood next to me. He's tall and heavy body was leaning against mine. His breath was hard.
'' This is really happening Dylan. We are really here.''
'' I know. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare.''
''I pinched myself too many times and nothing. This maybe is a nightmare, but not a dream.''
''So messed up.''
Craig came after a few minutes, is just a little late, but no one said anything or showed annoyance towards his tardiness.
We walked to his grave. The day is still very bright. The sun is shining like crazy. We are not in the mood sun, not in the mood. No one was talking at all to walk there and when we reached our destination. We just stared at his grave and took in every sniff or loud sigh anybody else was making. I was biting my lip so hard, trying not to cry, break down in front of his grave and even felt dizzy for a second, because I was keeping so many emotions and so much everything in me. I was also squeezing my hands; my fingers turning yellow almost white how much I was squeezing them.
I don't want this. I don't want things to be like this. To everything to end and start like this. I don't want to walk out of here and start something new or be stuck in the past. My heart is too heavy for my body. I will have to eventually walk out of here and be this person that has to smile at one point and restart its life from this mess. I can't imagine what the others thinking if they are thinking as much as I am and how devastating this is to them. Everyone is so quiet right now. Craig broke down into tears and hid his face from me. Henry dropped to the floor just a second ago and Alice had to bring him back up. The mother is crying her eyes off, mumbling every curse word in her vocabulary and Joe is holding her tightly. What an awful day.
2 years ago...
''Hello?''
''Can we meet please?'' My voice was shaking at I was about to cry again.
''What happened?! Are you okay?! Where are you now?!''
'' I am at the pool. Please just come.''
He instantly ended the call and was next to me after 20 minutes, but usually by slow-walking, it can take a person to get here more than 40 minutes. He hugged me instantly. His running breathes hitting my shoulder. He gripped me tightly because he heard my heart-stopping. I couldn't help but let out tears. He strokes my back and keeps on talking:
''I am here now, don't worry''.
He didn't even know what the problem was, but instantly fixed it. His touch is calming me totally. He backed away, but still had his hands on my shoulder, scanning my face, looking me over. I lowered my head, being too embarrassed. He is seeing this vulnerable little boy in front of him and probably doesn't even know what to do.
''What happened? Why are you in a black suit? Did someone...'' I nodded.
'' It was one of my friend's grandpas. I just came back from it and I am so confused and don't know what to do with myself. I needed to talk to someone, so that is why I called you, but now that you are here, in front of me, I don't know what to say. I lost my words just like I lost my feelings.''
''There must be one feeling that is currently present.''
''I feel empty,''
'' Why?''
''I saw so many people cry today, break down in front of everyone and no one found that surprising or tried to help them. There is no way you can help those people because the problem is unfixable.''
''But why do you feel obligated to feel like that?''
''Because, how can I smile or feel positive after such a view. My legs are still shaking, along with my hands. You weren't there Luise, you didn't see that madness.'' He took my hands and placed them on my knees, slowly making me stop shaking.
'' What I can tell you now, is something you must remember very well. Okay?'' I nodded.
''If ever a person close to you dies, do not be sad for the rest of your life and do not break down. Instead, be happy and live your life, because I am sure, I am definitely sure, that person who died, wants you to be happy and not be sad over their death. That's life and you can't change anything about it. That person would want you to do all of the things he/she couldn't and would want to see you smile every single day. I am 100% sure.''
''Thank you, Luise. You really helped me now.''
'' I know.'' I smiled at him. ''Just please know this, you are never alone. There will be always someone on this planet that will understand you. Everything that you feel, someone out there felt it or is feeling at the moment, as we speak. There is no such thing as loneliness when you are surrounded with so many people that love you and support your every move/choice. Everything will be alright Dylan; I will make sure it will.''
He hugged me again and didn't pressure me to talk. He obviously understands me and can see just by looking at me what's wrong. I was mistaken; he knows how to fix the problem without even knowing what it is.
Present time...
Where was I to tell you all of these things before you left? I remember every word you said and could've recited it to you. Everything you said that day could've helped you and saved you. But I wasn't around. I didn't understand you nor knew your pain. No one did. I don't know where to look now for advice and great quotes. I guess I have to stick to the ones you said to me and hope they will work no matter how many times I repeat them. No matter how much the task is difficult I will still try to make it small and easy.
The mother cleared her throat and started to talk. Her voice is the only sound in the whole area. Her cracking voice is stopping all of our breathing and pulse. She looked at me, then the other and then turned towards the grave. Her eyes letting out tears everywhere:
''Today we pay our respect to a person who was a good son, a good friend and in all a good person. He left us without a proper goodbye and never liked to share his pain. He... ''
From all of the despair, she couldn't continue and Joe held her. I wanted to go on my knees and apologies to her with all of my strength and heart, but I knew it wasn't the right time. I wanted all of my wrongs to be forgotten and the weight to be lifted off my chest. But, she left.
I missed my chance, again.
Silence again began and I already felt tears forming in my eyes, I knew that I wouldn't be able not to share a single tear here. Henry stepped towards and started to talk, which dismayed me at first but I knew that he is the type to fix the mood or fit it. He was really focused on what he was saying and his speech looked like it was staged, but the sentences containing such emotions feel like everything was thought on spot. He finished the speech, placed dirt on the grave and sat down at the bench.
Craig was the next one to step in front and he also talked emotionally. He is a poetic guy, so this wasn't that big of a problem for him. He also placed dirt and sat beside Henry. I was the only one left, seeing that Alice wasn't planning on talking, since she was sitting next to her brother, glance lowered.
I cleared my throat and began to talk. Not even thinking about what will come out of this sad and confused mouth. What sentences will be formed and will they be suitable or grammatically correct.
''I miss you, this is the only feeling I will let embrace me after this day. I know you are watching and that you are looking at us, hoping that we will survive through this. We will. We will help each other and not let anger and sadness eat us up. That day, that day we meet, will be carved in my heart and be remembered. It is the day; I met my best friend and met the person who made a better person of myself. You gave me a tissue, hoodie and your heart. Thank you. I knew from that day, that this friendship was something special and that it is different from anything. I will make sure, these guys next to me will live a happy life and I will be right next to them, living the same way. I miss you and love you''.
I placed the dirt right after soaking it with my salty tears and sat with my friends. The silence stinging and I just felt like I needed to talk.
''From now on we must not let life separate us. I want to stay as close to you guys as possible. You are the ones who saw me at my worst and at my best. I want us to share memories because life has now shown us that it is really short and that we should spend every second of our life being happy and being satisfied. I can't achieve that without having you guys by my side. Let's walk this road called life, together.''
They all exhaled a loud breath of relief knowing that with all of this love between us we won't let anything hurt us.
''I wouldn't even dream to lose you guys. I want us to stick together like glue and not let any stupid fight or misfortune make us stop talking to each other. John made us come together twice which I consider as faith. When faith says that these are the people I should spend the rest of my life will, I'll listen to it and never regret that decision.''
We stood up and hug each other. I stroke their backs, just like John did to me 2 years ago. I pulled Alice into the hug, whispering a little thank you because something tells me that she didn't just come here to support Henry. A little smile formed on her face, that made me a little blush, but I shock of the red feeling. We slowly went to Craig's house. It feels like a second home honestly. When we were children, I was always in his house and his yard playing all sorts of games with him. It didn't change at all. His mother, after of course hugging and kissing Craig, ran towards me with such enthusiasm and hugged me tightly. I didn't see his mother in a long while, since school and time split us up, but feeling that tight hug filled all of the days she didn't hug me. She backed away and touched my cheeks. She always calls me her other son, since Craig is the only child, but I get why the other son. I literally spent half of my childhood here. I smiled at her drained out and she smiled back. After she greeted everyone, she sat us down and we ate.
It seemed like everyone was living in their own movie. Alice was going back and forth, from reality to deep thinking. Craig would stare at Alice until the second she snaps back. Henry has his head lowered and eating without even breathing. I didn't have a big appetite, so I didn't eat that much.
We talked a little more and then we split, everyone going their own way.
I was walking slowly to my house, so slow that day turned into night. The street lights turned on and the streets started to be less crowded. Finally, the weather became colder, fitting the weird mood. My footsteps were again going by their own control, my eyes half-closed half open and my mind trialling off. I need to wake up from this. He wouldn't want to see me like this, so miserable and lost.
I started to run. My feet are rushing to absolutely nowhere. The streets were empty so running so carelessly was allowed. My head was finally clearing up and cooling down. This is what I need. This is what will save me from negative thoughts. This breeze, this movement and this freedom are just what I need. I stopped when it was time to cross the street because I had a huge flashback. Since that day I always stop like this. Not even thinking of crossing the street without looking three times than a normal person those. That day, just like every other day with him, is carved deep into my mind, like a cd, when I want to I can just playback all of my memories, so clear and real.
I finally came home after stopping my runs at three streets. My mother was sitting in the living room, waiting for me, not caring if I was going to come home really late. She jumped from the couch and hugged me strong. I smiled and placed my head on her shoulder.
''I am fine mom. I promise I am.''
''I will trust you on that, but still, worry like crazy.''
''I know. We share the same DNA.''
I went to my room and crashed on the bed instantly. The air wasn't so heavy and nothing felt uneasy. As I lay on this empty, maybe a little uncomfortable bed, all I am thinking and all I want to say out loud is:
''I need to be happy''.
I close my eyes and hope for a sign, drifting into sleep instantly.
I woke up at the pool. I wasn't sleeping on the floor, because my back didn't hurt and my head was laying on something very comfortable. I looked up and saw..... saw him. He was looking straight ahead, having the biggest smile. I didn't even think of lifting my head and just stared at him. My breath stopped and my tears were forming, but still holding back.
He looked at me, with genuinely sweet eyes. He tilted his head and removed perms from my face.
''Did you miss me that much that you are unable to speak?'' I nodded. ''Well then stop missing me and let's talk. How are the guys?''
''As what I saw they are trying their best to cope with the fact and it is going well.''
''And you?'' I sigh deeply.
''I think I am doing okay. I mean, a week ago I was such a mess, but I am slowly recovering.''
He nods and stands up.''Wait! Where are you going?! You just got here.''
''First of all, I am not going anywhere. Second I never left.'' I smile. ''I just need to visit the others in their own dreams.''
I nod, biting my lip hard. He starts to walk away. My heart starts to beat fast and out of reflex I run to him, hugging him from the back and laying my head on his back.
''I just want to ask you. Are you okay?'' I can imagine the smile that appeared on his face when I said that.
''I am. Thank you for asking.''
He turned around and hugged me back.
I woke up peacefully having 6 hours of sleep. And also woke up right on time before the sunrise. I jumped from my bed and made to the roof in the span of minutes, bringing the box with memories with me. As the sunrise came, I pulled out the pictures of the past sun rises. Little pictures are spread in my hands. But of course, I have a favourite one. It's this sunrise that happened on my birthday. How do I know that one is from that day? Behind it are that date and a quote:
''Told you I have to show you it now. Imagine if we didn't see it because you were such a sleepy head''.
I chuckle at that quote every single time. He is right and that quote can have so many meanings, but I don't want to overthink and will just think about that one day, that he carried me to the roof and showed me this beautiful sunrise.
Thank you for coming into my dreams and for making me correct even a little one of my mistakes. I will fix everything else also John. Don't worry. You will be proud of me and proud of yourself.
I went back into the house and made breakfast for my mom who was soon leaving for work. She is going there, while I am going to the therapist. I got dressed really fast, putting comfortable clothes on and went straight there, not even thinking a little.
She opened the door for me and I followed her to the office, just like I did the first time. She already placed juice on the small table next to the couch, the couch I will soon sit on. She knew that I would want something to drink. Right beside the juice, in a blue bowl, were cookies. She knows that this session will be emotional and long. I sat down on the couch, for some reason it feels softer then the first time and the light coming from the windows is.... brighter.
''By the way, you are sitting so comfortably and not staring at the floor, tells me that you found your own way without me helping you. How was it yesterday? Did something else happen?''
''A lot of things happened. But I also realized some stuff, reminded myself what the most important thing is and yes found the way, but not by myself.''