When I crept out of Jason's house late in the afternoon I had butterflies in my stomach. I can't believe I've fallen head over heels in love. But that's just how it is. He conquered my heart by storm. Never has anyone answered me so honestly. What sort of life must he have led? He must have been so desperate. How can somebody bear it for so long with no tenderness? No embracing, no goodnight kisses, no handshaking ... nothing at all! That's cruel.
He's happy that he can touch me and for my part I can't get enough of him.
Would he touch other women if he could? That thought makes me lose my head. Why do I have to finish such an incredibly beautiful day with such an idiotic thought?
No, Jason is unique, and I'm sure that he would never purposely hurt me. So I put the thought far away from me and think of Jason's hands on my body. I have to smile again.
"Nay!" A call makes me listen closely, and I turn around. On the landing in front of our house Tim is sitting. Shit! What am I supposed to say now? Do I look all crumpled? Are my lips swollen from Jason's kisses?
"Nay, how's Jason?" Tim asks and eyes me down. For a long time!
"Ah well ... I think he's a bit better!"
"Aha! I waited for you and had to apologise for you everywhere. Were you with him the whole time?"
"Ahem ... yes, I think so!"
"Well well, so you think he's doing better and you think you were with him? But you don't know for sure? Is that it?"
I sigh. "No ... that's not it ..."
"So how is it, Nay?" he interrupts me. Now he looks offended. "Did you help him to get over his FEARS OF BEING TOUCHED?" I don't know what to say and look down in embarrassment.
"Do you still want to tell me you've got no interest in that guy?" he asks bitterly. "Was he sick at all? I'll bet he wasn't. And he straight away exploited your helpfulness, when I look at you. Was it lovely, eh? Did he kiss well?"
It sounds so much like an accusation and he has no right to say such things. My head shoots up and suddenly I'm full of anger. "Tim, stop talking like that. You've got no idea what's going on!" "Oh yes I do!" he snorts. "He's the greatest actor of all time and pretends to be vulnerable, and you fall for it. Nay, he's playing with you. He's putting on an act and you ... you're so blind! I could shake you if that would help a little."
"Tim, you've got it all wrong. "Jason is honest, more honest than anyone I know ..." I begin.
"Oh man! Nay, listen to what you're saying. When he's got what he wants he'll drop you like a hot potato ... that's what boys are like!"
"Are you talking about yourself?" I ask loudly and rather angrily. "Is that what you do with girls?"
"Rubbish!"
"Is it really rubbish? How many girls have you dropped? You've got no right to talk like that. I've never seen you with one for more than a week, then it was the next one's turn. So please don't draw conclusions about Jason from yourself!"
"But I never loved the other girls. I've always been interested only in you."
"Ah, and that's makes it all better?" I ask him.
"I thought you didn't want me ... they were only a distraction," he says quietly.
"Damn it, if you'd been honest we might have become a pair, but you were not honest ..."
"And now it's too late, is it? Is that what you trying to tell me?"He leaps up and looks at me in despair. Slowly he comes closer and suddenly holds me by the shoulders. He looks as though he wants to kiss me any moment. I truly don't know what to say. It's too late! I don't love him any more.
Probably it was always just an infatuation on my part, nothing more. But how could I hurt him now? I'm not like that ...
"Nay!" a very familiar voice calls me. Mt head turns sideways and my heart almost stands still. Jason is walking from the neighbouring house. He's wearing his jogging trousers and the T-shirt he wore the first day, and he looks good enough to eat. Tim walks into my field of vision and I blush, then he turns his head to Jason. From the side I see his sudden wrath. "You've recovered very quickly, Rockefeller!"
Jason shrugs. "Maybe you're right, that Nay is a good nurse!" "Don't you dare touch her one more time," Tim threatens and I see him clenching his fists.
"I didn't know your name is carved somewhere!" Jason says dryly, and then to me: "Nay, is everything okay?" He sounds so tender. I nod, even though I'd like to shake my head, and I wish I was somewhere far away. The situation is absolutely not according to my taste. Fortunately my parents are not yet home.
"Of course everything's all right, we've just been talking!" Tim hisses.
"It didn't look like that. It sounds more like you've been arguing," Jason contradicts him.
"Nay and I have never argued, Rockefeller. I'm always there for her. And I'll be there for her when you break her heart. And I know perfectly well that's what will happen."
"Is that the start of a bet? Or simply one of your many false conclusions? I don't intend hurting Nay. In contrast to you, I know exactly what I want!"
Tim looks at him full of hatred and then he leaps forward. Jason flinches.
"You're so pitiable. I don't know what Nay sees in you. Fight like a man – where are your fists ...?" Tim yells in rage.
"I don't want to fight with you!" says Jason, but I see he's clenching his fists. Both of them stand there looking at each other, but neither takes the next step. I know Jason won't touch Tim, so I send an anxious look at Tim. Do I have to save him again right now?
"Coward!" he yells. "You miserable coward. With your masquerade you'll perhaps impress the girls, but you'll never be accepted by my friends."
"Tim, shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!" I cry out loud between them.
He turns in my direction and says in despair: "Nay ... can't you see how idiotic your fascination with this guy is? He's not even enough of a man to hit back."
"I'm not turned on by men who fight!" I say angrily. "And if you come to blows with him I'll never say another word to you. Have you understood?"
Tim looks at me offended and his fists relax. He collapses. He's standing in front of me like a bundle of misery and it almost breaks my heart to see him like that. "You really like him, eh? I'm too late!" he says quietly. I don't know what to say. I don't want to hurt him, but my silence is probably a sufficient answer to him, because he turns round and sprints home.
Tears fill my eyes. I didn't want to hurt Tim. But I've done that.
"I'm sorry I've brought sorrow to you!" says Jason quietly and unbelievably crestfallen. Once more I notice how sensitive and honest he is. "You can't do anything about it. I should have said something yesterday. It's all my fault!"
"Nay, I'd like to console you now, but we're in public view ..." That in turn reminds me of our dilemma.
"I know ..." I sob. "I'll get over it. You should go back home, we'll meet again tomorrow at school."
I turn and go upstairs without looking back. I simply must be alone now.
Next morning Tim does not come over to go to school with me. I would not have expected anything else. He's offended and for sure he won't talk with me for a while. But that should be okay, he'll get over it. I told Tanja on the phone what's happened. Well, not all of it. Only that Jason and I have come closer to each other... but only in words. She thought I'd crack the nut in time and that Tim has to get used to the fact that for the first time there is another boy in my life. And she's absolutely right. Tim will of course say Jason and I have been fooling around, and that he's only playing a game. But if Jason and I are careful, everyone will quickly believe that Tim is just jealous.
When I pick up Jason he's against dressed as in winter. Sharon is standing behind him and wishing us a great day at school. So we can't kiss without her picking up something from that.
When I drive the car out of our street I hear Jason say: "Drive over there! To the parking area." And I do it. Jason unfastens the seat belt and pulls off his gloves, and finally he starts caressing my face. "It wasn't a dream, was it?" I also unfasten myself and kiss him. "No! Not a dream!" I sigh.
A little later I call both of us back to prudence. And we buckle up again. Jason is holding my hand in his and we're driving in the direction of the school.
"I hate hiding my feelings again!" he complains.
"The day will pass quickly and this afternoon I'll come over to you," I assure him.
Jason pulls his gloves on again and nods: "I can hardly wait."
When we reach the school Tanja's waiting for me. She's grinning when Jason and I get out of the car together. "Hey, hello, Jason. Are you feeling better?"
Jason gives a shy grin. "Yes, it was probably only a twenty-four-hour virus."
"We've all suffered from that at some time!" laughs Tanja. "Are you two coming? You're quite late!"
I blush and nod. Tanja links arms with me and Jason joins in beside us.
"Kay gave Tim a lift this morning. You wouldn't believe what a bad mood he's in because he had to get up so early. Tim's mood is no better either!"
"I've got nothing against his coming with us. I have no problem with that!" I remind her with a sigh.
"I know. I just wanted to give you previous warning." She shakes her head and then says: "Kay asked me how I regard the whole business and I told him he should keep out of it because that's just what I'll do."
"And what did he say?" Jason and I ask simultaneously.
Tanja laughs. "He muttered into his non-existent beard ..." "Typical!" I hiss.
"Come on, Nay, Kay is Tim's best friend. I think it'll be hard for him to see his mate suffering," says Jason.
"Yes yes, I know," I grumble.
"I've already told you Tim will get over it at some time and you shouldn't worry about it. You two have done nothing wrong. I mean, he's carrying on as though he'd caught you making out sexually, and that's a scream, isn't it?"
I try very hard not to blush but I don't succeed. Next to me Jason gives a loud laugh and calls out: "Long live boys' fantasies!" and Tanja joins in the laughter.
"Jason, you're a lot more relaxed, that's really good for you!" says Tanja and looks at me and her lips whisper: "And he's extra sweet and sexy!"
"Thanks. It's nice to have Nay as a friend. Even if probably I now have all of the boys against me," sighs Jason.
"Hey, I'm your friend too and I'll tell you what: in a few months we'll all be somewhere else, then life will turn serious, as my father always likes saying!" Tanja shrugs.
"You know, Tim had his chance and didn't seize it. Nay has deserved to be happy and I hope you'll be able to get there ..." She looks at his gloves and then at me.
"Yes, I believe we'll get there! I say. "Right, Jason?"
"I'm working on it," he answers and looks at me with ravenous hunger.
Tanja clears her throat: "If you can convert that glance into bodily contact I really must warn Nay ..."
I blush again. My goodness, why am I so easily set on fire? But the memory of his hands on my body makes me totally tingly. I sneak a look over at him and have the feeling that he feels just the same way.
But we've got no time for that. First school and then ...
"Well well, look at it. Mr. Don't-touch-me, the greatest actor if all time!"
Tim. Damn it, why does he make it so hard for himself? Jason does not answer, just looks past Tim. "Hello, Nay!" he greets me and caresses my cheek, then he takes my hand in his. "It's much nicer to do it publicly than secretly, isn't it?"
I hear Jason breathing in. I notice he has difficulty in controlling himself, because the way Tim is carrying on is simply repugnant. Now I'm angry at Tim. Really angry!
"You know, Tim, I really thought for years that you're the number one boy in the school. Now you're showing me you're not even worthwhile saying "good morning" or "hello" to. Come on, Jason!" Abruptly I take my hand away from Tim, and his clique of boys who have accompanied him hiss loudly and whisper something that doesn't particularly interest me. I turn around and take Jason's gloved hand and walk with him away from the mob. I don't care what Tim thinks. If he can't get a grip on himself our friendship has to come to an end right here and now. A pity!