When Nay comes into the classroom I see straight off that she's been crying. I could give myself an uppercut for my nasty behaviour. I check myself from running over to her and taking her in my arms. It seems Tim has also seen that Nay has been crying. He goes to her and embraces her – because he can. Argh! But she just waves him away. He says something and then kisses her on the cheek. Nay is red and her gaze finally lands on me. I look away quickly, but know she has seen me observing her.
The lesson simply slips by me and I'm a long way off in my thoughts.
When school finishes I can say I have got nothing, nothing at all, from the lessons. I couldn't make any comment on any subject or give information on anything.
And it occurs to me that I have to go back with Nay and Tim. Rotten!
Nay is waiting at her car and saying nothing. Tim talks all the more. He's telling about some incident or other on the weekend, some pair that have separated that were together for an eternity, blah blah blah ...
"I would never have thought that of Bianca!" he bad-mouths. "Who told you that it was Bianca ... Teresa said that Josh had gone with another girl before that! Nothing to do with us ..." says Nay.
"But Josh still wants to have her, he told Kay that. I wouldn't give her another chance ..."
"Tim, you don't even know the full story. You straight away take sides. And because Josh hasn't given up on Bianca it couldn't have been so bad, could it?"
"He just loves her ..." Tim justifies himself. "You have no idea what a person can do when he's in love."
I think I hear Nay say "Oh yes, I have!" but I'm not sure.
Tim looks at her and says: "Nay, can we talk about it? I could come over to you and we could have a lovely day. Just the two of us ..."
Nay looks into the rear vision mirror and moves uneasily back and forth on her seat. Tim seems to have completely left me out of the picture, because he turns around and snorts loudly.
The same to you, I think and in thought I give him the finger.
The trip seems endless to me, especially because we're all keeping silence. When we arrive, I jump out and run to our house without saying "Goodbye". I want nothing to do with Tim. I want to talk to Nay alone. I want to apologise. I have to make it up to her or I'll go mad. I must also talk to Sharon; it can't be that she told Nay about my problems.
Sharon is on the ball and so I delay my discussion with her. She asks me question after question and wants to know everything about my first day. I lie that everyone was nice to me and eat quickly, then excuse myself because I have to do homework. In truth I haven't a clue what homework tasks I have. So I'll have to ask somebody. Instantly I think of Nay. I look across to her house. Her curtains are drawn. I'm frustrated. I walk up and down in my room in disquiet and try to get Nay out of my head. No chance!
I fetch my guitar and start writing a song.
My conduct takes me away from you.
I can't and mustn't think: you're mine.
I certainly won't do that because I care nothing for you.
Even if I know you'll think that.
So many sinful thoughts I cannot contain
When I look at you:
R:
But I can't do otherwise, that would be too much for my mind.
So I tame my desire and distance myself from my goal.
You are unreachable for me and yet the only thing I want.
I sense and feel that you accept me.
It would be easy if you understood me wholly.
I keep my distance, push you away from me.
Inside, deep inside, I belong to you only.
So many sinful thoughts I cannot contain
When I look at you:
R:
But I can't do otherwise, that would be too much for my mind.
So I tame my desire and distance myself from my goal.
You are unreachable for me and yet the only thing I want.
Just one moment I want to hold you, kiss you,
Feel you quivering under me ... just be normal ...
Inwardly I get the cramps. Again I sit down and let my thoughts have free rein. Everything is flowing out of me:
All I wanted was quiet,
But that changed the first time I saw you.
I want to feel, hold you.
Really sense your body, to be together close to you.
I'd give everything for you.
Want to feel your breath till it drives me quite crazy.
Want to believe in a future with you.
Kiss you so much till my skull buzzes with dizziness.
All I wanted was quiet
And now you've caught and deranged me.
The façade is already crumbling.
I don't know where it's all leading us to.
I'm bewildered ... I'm bewildered ... I'm bewildered ... I'm bewildered!
I write these lines in my diary and give a loud sigh. I've never written anything like this. And it occurs to me that I can never keep away from Nay because I'd be absolutely desperate if I couldn't speak to her again. The unthinkable has happened and finds me fully unexpectedly. I'm in love!
Without thinking any more about it I grab the telephone and ring Nay.
"Nasya Norton!" I hear her voice.
I wonder what I want to say and stare at the phone. My brain is completely empty.
"Hello?" I hear Nay. "Who's there? I can hear somebody breathing!"
"Ah ... it's me!" I say. Beautiful, that was so intelligent!
"Jason?" she asks.
I nod in relief that she's recognised my voice, then it occurs to me that she can neither hear nor see my nodding, and I say quickly, "Yes, it's me!"
"Do you want to remind me to leave you in peace?" she says, feeling her way.
"No ... ah ... I wanted to apologise." I sound like a complete idiot and feel like one too.
"Okay!" she say. "Go ahead!"
"Sorry?" I say in confusion.
"You said you wanted to apologise. I'm waiting ..."
Of course! How can a person be so cretinous? I clear my throat. I can do it!
"Nay, I'm sorry I unloaded my bad mood on you. I ... I'm not good at these things. I've never yet had anybody who really and seriously worried about me, except my foster parents, they're always worried ... ah ... But you? I really appreciate it, but honestly I don't know how to handle it ... ah ... your way of helping and so on ..." I babble on. "Kay told Tim my mother told you something about me, and that you come over only as a favour to her and out of pity and I couldn't bear that. I ... I was so ..."
"I don't pity you. I like you! And I care for you," she interrupts me and I hear the honesty in her voice. "And I just lied to Tim when I told him Sharon asked me to keep an eye on you ..."
"So Sharon didn't talk with you?"
"No!" she says firmly.
"Oh, then it's good I didn't speak to her about it ..."
"You wanted to interrogate her?" Nay asks and sounds frustrated.
"Yes ..."
"Jason, Sharon told me nothing, but I overheard a conversation between her and Todd, that's why I know about your fears."
"You know about the dreams ... about everything?" I asked uncertainly. I don't know what I should think about that. "Dreams?" asks Nay.
"Forget it ... we'll talk about it in a moment. There's something else ... Can I come over? Honestly, I haven't a clue what homework we have. Can you help me with that?"
She starts laughing. "Well, you're lucky I just rang Tanja, because I paid no more attention than you did. She had to give me a hand up ..."
I laugh in relief. "Okay, what say I come over and we do the homework together and then talk?"
"No problem!"
"Then I'll come now ... and Nay ..."
"Yes?"
"Open your curtain ... I find it's a pity when I can't see you," I whisper. I look over to her and then I see her. She has pulled back the curtains and is waving to me. My heart beats faster. She looks ravishing. "See you soon!" she says, and hangs up.
I grab my school bag and go downstairs. Sharon looks at me laughing.
"Well, where are you off to?" she asks with curiosity.
"I'm going over to Nay, we want to do the homework together!" I say and blush. She sees that and gives a broad grin. "I thought you were busy the whole time at it. But I understand: she's a really nice girl, isn't she?" I nod.
"Okay, off you go, Jason, it's time at last for you to have a girlfriend."
"Yes, maybe it really is time," I agree with her and go over to Nay.