That's never happened to me before. Never was anybody so unfriendly to me. What does that Jason think he's up to? I just wanted to help him. I'm so dumbfounded that I stand in the stairway of his house and am simply speechless. Then I slowly sneak down the stairs. When I have almost reached the bottom I hear a noisy discussion.
"... for everybody a new beginning!" I hear a male voice saying.
"I hope he doesn't shut himself in again. He needs friends at last!" Jason's foster mother Sharon, who had just let me in, was saying with a sigh. "He's so lonely. I can't bear to see him like that."
Even if it's wrong to eavesdrop on conversations, I can't help it. I want to know what's up, because I have the feeling they're talking about Jason.
"You know how hard it is for him to overcome his fears. They seem to eat away at him. Whatever sad things he's gone through and whatever sort of violence he's experienced, he's not yet ready to share them with somebody else. Perhaps he never will be. This time we should tell the psychologists to call it off for a while, don't you think? I don't trust their expertise. I'm still suffering from the consequences of my childhood and no psychologist in the whole world has been able to help me!"
"I know!" Sharon apologises in a subdued voice. "But all the things that happened are eleven years back. Maybe the psychologists are ..."
"I've been living for thirty years with the consequences of my childhood. You've helped me more than any psychologist!" the male voice interrupts with a sigh, and then I hear nothing else for the moment.
In confusion I ponder what I should do. What I have just heard cuts me to the quick. What sort of violence has Jason experienced? Is that why he was so abrupt with me?
"We'll get over it. Some day he'll blossom, as I did," the male voice continues. I'm ashamed to be overhearing this intimate conversation, but I can't move.
"I'm afraid he'll be condemned again because he hides himself behind his gear and doesn't let anyone approach him," says Sharon. Her voice sounds choked. Is she crying?
"You can't shelter him from superficial weirdos. Those who are worthwhile he'll convince by himself."
"But what if here too he keeps everybody at a distance? What say he's doing it again right now?"
Another pause. I've heard enough and draw attention to myself. I stomp down the remaining steps.
Sharon is walking into the corridor when I'm noisily going down the rest of the staircase. She's a pretty, reddish blonde woman, and I'd say she's not older than forty. I'm surprised she has no children of her own, because she seems to genuinely care for Jason.
"I told Jason I'll come on Monday and take him with me to school. I'll come for him punctually at 7.30!" I tell her, and I see how her worried face lights up.
I decide not to tell her he threw me out. I prefer to let her believe I was talking with him the whole time upstairs.
"That's great, Nay!" she answers, visibly relieved. "Thanks."
"Today he's probably got enough to do. So I won't annoy him any further! We'll postpone our sightseeing to another day. Okay?"
"Okay!" She answers vexed, but enthusiastic. "Can I introduce you to my husband? Todd, come here a moment!" she calls him without waiting for my answer.
A bear of a man walks into the front corridor. And I mean that literally. He's not only big, he's very hairy. He gives me a look-over from top to bottom. "G'day!" he says with a deadly serious face but a smile in his eyes. "That's what they say here, isn't it?"
"Yep!" I confirm and smile with amusement. "You're sure to get acclimatised here quickly and not change into a stranded northerner; you've already picked up the correct greeting ..."
"Good!" he says briefly and a suggestion of relief shows up on his face. I wait for him to say something else, but I wait in vain.
"Todd isn't a man of many words!" Sharon apologises quickly.
"That's okay, my father is a dyed-in-the-wool northerner and as obstinate as ten mules. But he's got a heart of gold!"
At that Sharon had to laugh. "That's good to know. The same is true of Todd."
"Well then, here's to good neighbours!" I say merrily, and go to the door. "If you need help, I've got nothing on today and tomorrow."
"That's sweet of you, Nay, but I have to tidy up things here, otherwise later I'll be able to find nothing," Sharon answers, and Todd grunts in agreement.
"Okay, I understand! Well, have fun!" Both say goodbye and I leave the house.
So Jason has experienced something that makes him keep everybody at a distance. Okay! I'm armed! He won't chase me away so quickly. I don't give up so fast.
At any rate I intend to crack this nut. I'm not happy when I see someone suffering. And Jason is definitely suffering. I remember his look when he saw me in the door. He looked curious – and surprised, and there was something else in his glance, but I'm not sure what it was. In retrospect I think the situation was simply too much for him. Yes, I definitely gave him a shock when I suddenly stood in his room and got closer and closer.
I don't know what got into me, because it totally threw him off balance. Well, then came his defence. Perhaps he was thinking of his childhood or some other bad thing. I hope I haven't reminded him of something bad, because then it'd certainly be impossible for us to become friends. And I want to be his friend.
He must have gone through something bad if he even has to go to a psychologist. And for a long time too, if I understood correctly. The thought makes me unhappy. Somehow it stresses me that he could have been hurt.
Similarly, I can't get the look of his eyes out of my head. He's got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Brown with golden flecks and a black colouring around his irises, as though somebody had drawn around them with a black felt pen to make them stand out even more. Without his wall his eyes glowed like a tiger's eyes in the sunshine. As well, there are his endlessly long eyelashes – sigh! But when the wall had built up his eyes looked more like dark, dim coal. The ring of the iris became one with the black colour of the coal and made his glance the impression of emptiness and absence. That was really remarkable!
I can't understand why I'm thinking about Jason's eyes. Normally I think only of Tim's baby-blue eyes.
But Tim needs no help. He's engaged with life quite enough. I think of Maya and give an annoyed snort. He definitely needs no help! On the other hand, Jason needs friends, his mother said so. So how would it be if I simply took him with me this evening? What's better than an evening of cinema and a harmless meal to get to know a few people from his school? But if I pop up again he's sure to throw me out. Hm. Maybe I'll wait a bit more and go over later, then I'll simply confront him with a fait accompli and he'll have no time to think up an excuse.
No sooner said than done. Early in the afternoon I stand at Jason's door and ring the bell. I do it a whole four times. My God, are they deaf? Finally Jason opens the door and looks bleary. Have I perhaps woken him up?
"You?" he asks, and it sounds at least not unfriendly. Rather surprised, but in a good sense. "Sorry, I didn't want to wake you ..."
A pause.
Complete silence!
I wait patiently and give him time to get used to the situation. I deliberately stay a few paces away from him so I won't scare him off again. Meanwhile I stare at him, just as he does at me. His dark hair is dishevelled, his cheeks reddish. He's wearing jogging pants and a white, tight T-shirt that hides nothing. He's muscular, training fit, and definitely has a flat stomach. He simply looks quite sexy. My eyes wander up to his face again and I feel my cheeks going red when our eyes meet. Caught! Damn!
"Ahem ... My parents aren't here, they're shopping," he says at last, clearly embarrassed.
"I wanted to come to you!" bubbles out of me.
I see an even more confused facial expression than before, and the tiger eyes are looking amazed. But then abruptly, as though someone has turned on a switch, the colour of his eyes changes and the coal is visible.
"So what's so important?" he asks, and sounds quite irritated.
How can he change his mood so quickly? I try not to let it be seen how much he confuses me. And I recall what I heard about him today. I have a mission.
I inhale deeply and look directly into his dismissive coal eyes. "I'm going to take you straight away to the cinema; after all it's the weekend. Then you can get to know some of your classmates!" I explain with a firm, jolly voice. With my voice too I make it clear I will not accept a "No".
On his face a roller coaster of feelings is running up and down and the colour of his eyes changes from second to second, till finally he goes back to his dull gaze. He takes a deep breath and I know exactly what's coming next.
But not with me. No!
"I'll pick you up at 5.30. We'll go and eat something first," I say quickly, then I promptly turn on my heel and hurry back to my house.
I'll get you talking, I think, and hurry up to my room. There I look over with a beating heart at Jason's house and see him walking about wrought up in his room. He looks totally confused, even panic-stricken and is tearing his hair. He looks so helpless that I immediately have a guilty conscience. But then I think of Sharon's words and I know for sure that Jason would never willingly seek contact, and sometimes a person must simply be confronted with his fears to change something. It's the best thing for him, and what can happen anyway?
When he has seen how nice they all are, then he'll be relieved that I've forced him to come along. Or will he?
Suddenly he looks through the window. Our eyes meet and suddenly I'm afraid that he's going to deliver a "No" to me. I hasten to the window and draw my curtain.
So there! Now he can shake his head. I can't see him. Nothing will stop me from picking him up later. Nothing at all! He has to learn to overcome his fears ...