Sadhana of Silence
July 24, 1989
Prasanthi Nilayam
Sai Ram All,
Now Venkamma has been extremely strict with me lately. I went back to going to her every night, but she insists I don’t say a word! I'm not allowed to say anything, except answer her questions, which she doesn’t ask often, maybe once in 2-3 days! I can't tell her even that I moved to the shed, or got your letters, or that I ate that day. The slightest comment on my part is looked upon as useless, wasted words, by her! It is extremely difficult testing, especially since I see her happily chatting with everyone else, about everything under the sun. Sigh – I suppose it is my sadhana lately. Japa is increasing, even in her presence!
I did venture to complain about the situation, but she only mumbled angrily about mine being a big Ramayana story. Then she went to her maid and was upset, saying, “What do you think of this – simply because I want her to keep quiet, she says I don’t want her here or that I'm angry! I don’t want to hear her Ramayana, I'm getting a headache (mumble, grumble, grumble).” Thus it goes on.
(Her maid got a very bad cold for a few days, then Venkamma was much nicer to me, talking and even half-way allowing me to do some of the work, but as soon as the maid could stand and walk again, Venkamma yelled at me, “Don’t sweep – let the maid do it! Don’t wash the clothes! Go, go – the rain will come and you have a long way to go to the sheds.”)
I have a very hard time believing she still likes me, through all this harsh treatment.
Swami has started to play soft, calming instrumental music during Darshan! People seem to like it; I think it’s a bit funny, like God giving a performance! One Darshan He even put on Western orchestra music!
Guru Purnima was nice – not so much rush. In the morning, the college boys played music on the verandah. Very nice but it seemed way too short. Then, a few bhajans, then all was over. Swami didn’t even give prasad.
In the evening, the Poornachandra was packed! I waited until after the rush, and then there was no place! The first time the foreigner’s section had filled up so fast!
Now I'm settled in the shed, and haven’t gone to the office since the 1st, when they gave permission up until 10 July. It looks like the shed will be open for some time to come. The owners that came to the room, will be leaving on the 25th. But I don’t think I want to risk going to the room again - that means facing the office! So I’ll wait till the shed closes, or until Sai goes to Whitefield. Either way means I have at least three days more, and at the most up until the next festival.
Love,
Divya
______________________
Testing & Training with Venkamma
August 1989
Prasanthi Nilayam
Dear All,
Thanks for the horoscope you sent of the Indian girl. Venkamma was very interested to see the fancy computer work of the horoscope and wanted you to make one for her great-granddaughter Vijay Sri (now 2 years old). If she ends up giving birth info, I’ll send it. She may not because later on, she got philosophical and told me, “Why horoscopes? What will happen, will happen in time, that’s enough.”
Venkamma seems to be a lot like Swami: tests and tests. I’ve finally learned that she doesn’t really mean it when she scolds for seemingly no reason. It’s just to test me, to see if I take everything with an equal mind! I discovered this after the last test only.
One day she tells me to come at a certain time everyday; then after a few days she yells and gives a list of excuses why I shouldn’t be coming at that time, and why do I keep coming then? Finally I announced, “OK, Sai Ram – I'm not coming any more. Whatever I do, you complain. If you want me, you can call me; if you call me, I’ll come.” She seemed angrily pleased at this, and answered, “Yes, fine, do that - good idea.”
So, for three days I didn’t go. Unfortunately, not going to her means my appetite is totally lost. So, I only had two glasses of lime-water with salt, daily! Every day her maid would see me once or twice, and announce, “Why didn’t you come? Venkamma is so, so worried. We saved food for you also!” I’d answer, “Why would Venkamma be worried if I don’t come? She told me not to, anyway.” Then, the maid would say Venkamma did not say not to come, and I should come. All this time Venkamma would stare and stare at me from afar, but if we happened to pass each other close, she’d totally ignore me.
Finally at the end of three days I was so weak and hungry, I finally went to her. She was doing flowers and didn’t even bother to look up at me! So I just folded a sari that had been laid in one corner. I waited but she didn’t start to talk to me, so I thought it was hopeless and I told her, “Vastanu.” (That’s the required ‘goodbye’ before leaving the presence of anyone, especially elders; it means, "I will come!") Elders have to answer the approval, “Go and come,” but she didn’t look up or mutter a word! I decided I wasn’t going to give up, so I kept repeating, “Vastanu, vastanu!” Finally she grunted so I took it as her blessing (!) and started to leave. When I had one foot out the door, I heard her mumbling under her breath, it seemed like a question. I could have ignored it, but I said, “Huh?” and went back. She was asking, “Did you eat?” She knew I hadn’t eaten! So I answered, “No,” and she was very distressed and repeated, “Why, why?” After that, she had me come regularly again and I began eating again.
A few days later, another test. See, one of my favorite things in life, besides Darshan, is prasad. Sometimes if I feel like having prasad, I’ll go hungry until I get a little from somewhere or the other.
So, Venkamma gives her prasad sometimes, but usually when she gives, she’s mumbling or scolding that I won't eat unless someone gives, and that’s a bad habit. Well! I eat! Even if I truly eat, if I tell her she’ll say, “Sure, sure - I don’t trust you.”
Finally, I decided I wouldn’t take even prasad, to prove to her I eat on my own. I started to refuse everything she offered. It was very hard for me!
After about three days she grew hysterical when she offered some breakfast and I refused. I tried to uphold my new resolve but her wrath was so awful that I'm again having prasad!
Since these last two incidents, she’s been extremely kind to me! She’s talking to me, asking me questions, letting me talk and answer back, a lot. She’s letting me do things for her also. I don’t think she’s ever been so kind to me!
The other day, she gave me a long, long lecture on how awful my anger was! She said anger was my only fault! (I never thought I had any; except once I heard that anger is the root of depression.) She said that compared to me, no one has any anger! She said my anger was so terrible, while she described it (which she had trouble doing, not being able to find all the adjectives!) she shuddered.
Meanwhile, ashram life has been fine. It’s OK in the shed, except Venkamma wants me to go back early a lot, saying “It may rain,” or “The lights may go off, and you have a long way to go.” Anyway, there are so many foreigners that I'm lost in the crowd, so no accommodation worries!
Foreigners! Big, big groups coming – Americans: 106; UK group: 187; Greeks: 150; and this doesn’t even included the countless smaller groups! There must be one or two thousand foreigners alone. Good thing they seem to be devotees and not just curious people. They come from centers so they have discipline. Shed is full – rooms are also full.
Swami’s been kind lately, giving nice Darshans, smiling, even looking at me and giving good rows.
Recently I had a couple of strange dreams about a “War Zone” and people being murdered. I was also on the line-up to die, but was taken off at the last minute with the message that I couldn’t be killed. As I was writing you the details of the dream in Darshan line, Swami suddenly came by and looked at me and gave ‘abhaya’ ‘Why fear’ pose! Shocking!
That day, Mataji happened to be passing Venkamma (who was walking on South Prasanthi) when Mataji saw me go towards Venkamma’s room. Mataji asked Venkamma where I was going, if it was to her room! Venkamma answered that maybe I had a book or something on her verandah, and was going to get it. Mataji didn’t answer but went on. Venkamma came scared and warned me to be careful, now they’d be watching Venkamma’s room! It was after this incident that I got scared.
One thing about Venkamma, she never praises. If I don’t do something right (like making garlands or saying something wrong), she’ll make a big thing of it, as if I’ve done some unforgivable sin. If I do it right, she’s completely silent and won't say a word! No “very good! Well done!” will come from her! Before when I was learning to do garlands, she used to complain bitterly, “You’re not making it straight, you’re putting them too close,” and even yelled at me not to do it sometimes. Now that I can manage (I think!) she keeps quiet, only examining carefully what I do with an intent gaze, but without words to me.
At the moment, all is well. I'm settled in the shed, have visa, Venkamma is being nice to me, and Sai’s been giving good numbers. I'm healthy & energetic and haven’t even gotten a cold since many, many months! Thus goes the ups & downs of life!
With Love,
Divya